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17 mos. & 12 days - we're so proud of you, Sam! :) |
19 months 9 days sober. Picked up my 18 month coin last month. Sobriety for me is a better more steady existence than the alternative. My desire to consume alcohol is virtually silent as I move to a more profound recovery. What I am confronting now is depression. In the past it was easy to subdue the retched thoughts of regret and inferiority. No one in my life has asked if I’m okay so I don’t believe anyone knows what I’m thinking. My wife is pretty much just happy she doesn’t have to deal with a drunk anymore. So whatever else she may or may not see is minor in comparison. I will continue my work at resolving the emotional issues underlining my decades of alcohol abuse. It is not easy. I’m not the emotional type which may in itself be a safely mechanism. My prayers are with those who are seeking to become sober and to live an alcohol free life. I will remain sober today. Sam |
Excellent on that 19 months. Have you thought about talking with your doctor about the depression? Maybe a pastor, or a counselor or a little Cognitive Therapy? I know I don't ask for help very often, but sometimes I do need it and I'd say if you are having depressed thoughts frequently, it may be time. I mean, we all have some regrets but if it becomes the main landscape of the mind that is no way to live. You deserve better :) |
Originally Posted by Samsheppard64
(Post 6584645)
Why am I continuing to drink alcohol knowing full well want the end result will be? Sam than ever in time!), and your alcoholic neural pathways are screaming “get on my road! This is easy breezy over here!” (so you keep listening to that terrorist and grab a drink), and you have zero, zip, nada sober neural pathways screaming to you “get on my road! Life easier, cheaper, safer, and REAL over here!” (Good news! These will LITERALLY grow each day you don’t drink. Even neater, the harder battles you successfully face, the more and stronger they’ll grow!).Again, these are facts. You need to consider “not drinking” as what you medically MUST do to fix your brain. It’s broken, it needs to be fixed. Period. You can’t safely use and live with a broken brain. your brain is broken. You can’t understand what I wrote in the way a non addicted person can. For now, just TRUST us. Stop drinking no matter what you want, bc “you” are not wanting anything right now, your addiction is. Give it 30 days. You’ll see clearer then. Then go for 100. At that point, your brain will be working better (although many more months are needed for continued improvement). But, you’ll be wiser after each day you make it. You can do this! You REALLY can. |
Originally Posted by Sohard
(Post 7306509)
Sam, you asked “why?”. Because you are addicted. “Addiction” isn’t just a word, it’s a medical condition. That’s like asking why can’t a paralyzed person walk or a blind person not see. Well, because they are paralyzed or blind. For you, your brain is broken right now. You don’t have the grey matter necessary to make good decisions, you destroyed it all drinking (good news! It’ll grow back better than ever in time!), and your alcoholic neural pathways are screaming “get on my road! This is easy breezy over here!” (so you keep listening to that terrorist and grab a drink), and you have zero, zip, nada sober neural pathways screaming to you “get on my road! Life easier, cheaper, safer, and REAL over here!” (Good news! These will LITERALLY grow each day you don’t drink. Even neater, the harder battles you successfully face, the more and stronger they’ll grow!).Again, these are facts, the same as a paralyzed person can’t walk or blind person can’t see. your brain is broken. You can’t understand what I wrote in the way a non addicted person can. For now, just TRUST us. Stop drinking no matter what you want, bc “you” are not wanting anything right now, your addiction is. Give it 30 days. You’ll see clearer then. Then go for 100. At that point, your brain will be working better (although many more months are needed for continued improvement). But, you’ll be wiser after each day you make it. You can do this! You REALLY can. |
Originally Posted by biminiblue
(Post 7306511)
Sohard, his update is that he's 19 months sober! |
Originally Posted by Samsheppard64
(Post 7306501)
19 months 9 days sober. Picked up my 18 month coin last month. Sobriety for me is a better more steady existence than the alternative. My desire to consume alcohol is virtually silent as I move to a more profound recovery. What I am confronting now is depression. In the past it was easy to subdue the retched thoughts of regret and inferiority. No one in my life has asked if I’m okay so I don’t believe anyone knows what I’m thinking. My wife is pretty much just happy she doesn’t have to deal with a drunk anymore. So whatever else she may or may not see is minor in comparison. I will continue my work at resolving the emotional issues underlining my decades of alcohol abuse. It is not easy. I’m not the emotional type which may in itself be a safely mechanism. My prayers are with those who are seeking to become sober and to live an alcohol free life. I will remain sober today. Sam CONGRATULATIONS! You should be SO proud of yourself. |
SR is part of my recovery plan and it is helping. Typing what I'm thinking then reading responses illuminates the paths. Not sure I want to add anything to the soup at this point but, when I get to 24 months I'll re-evaluate. If I cannot shake the depression I'll seek out professional help. Thanks again all.. Sam |
congrats on 19 months - good to hear from you Sam. D |
Looking at 21 months in a couple of days. New Years eve to be exact. No worries, wife and me don't have plans outside of staying home. Its 50/50 if we stay up and watch the ball at time square drop. Recently I've been reflecting on my past and what or who I was when I was intoxicated. It is uncomfortable to think about. It is very difficult for me to understand why I would do things intoxicated that I'd never even think of while sober. This mainly revolves around me throwing hard earned money away buying rounds of drinks for complete strangers. I've wasted years pursuing my phantom. The perfect night of drinking where everyone loves me and I'm the toast of the evening. Wow how pathetic is that? Sober Sam cares absolutely nothing for such adulation. My Mr, Hide is the complete opposite. May you that are needing to stay sober find it as I find it. The only way to truly live. I will remain sober today. Sam |
Congratulations! 21 months is simply awesome. |
Congratulations on 21 months Sam! |
Thanks for the update - well done Sam. D |
Hi my name is Sam and I am an Alcoholic. 22 Months sober. The journey for me started in August of 2017. My first post on SR was a plea for help. At the time it was 10 years from my last DWI. My second in last 20 years. This is not relevant of the actual number of times I was intoxicated behind the wheel. After DWI #2 in 2006 I swore (took a personal oath) that I would never drink and drive again. That faded with the odd trip to the package store for beer on the weekends while mowing or doing other odds and ends. This slowly graduated to having a drink at the office which was only a few blocks from home. I rationalized driving home from the office by saying to myself “I could drive that in my sleep”. My failure was not recognizing that I had an addiction problem. Over the years the drinking at home on the weekends and late afternoons at the office escalated to full blown binge drinking. I found or made excuses to the wife why I had to work until early morning hours when I would finally come stumbling home. The wife had long moved into the spare room saying she could not stand my snoring; so sneaking into bed was not an issue. My wife confronted me on many occasions but we always seemed to patch things up. At this time it was drunkenness without the overarching complications of being ensnared by legal consequences. March 31 2018. My only job after work was to pick up a box of crackers for the church potluck on Easter. This was on a Friday and I was in real form drinking a very expensive whisky feeling all the sensations an alcoholic can feel. No doubt I was big and prideful and without question intoxicated. I left the office heading home; after all I can drive from the office to home in my sleep. When I pulled into our driveway I suddenly remembered I forgot to stop at the store and pick up a box of crackers. Well this didn’t sit well and I knew if I went inside without the crackers and smelling of whisky. My wife would be very upset and with good reason I would have to endure a dressing down. So I pulled back out of the driveway. Two blocks from my house I rear-ended a car. A title-wave of all that has just occurred rushed over me. My mind and body jerked in an uncontrolled spasm of flight and I jumped out of my vertical and began to walk away. The accident was minor and thankfully there were no injuries. All the same there I was intoxicated and walking away from an accident shortly to be pursued by the police. The police caught up to me as I was trying to make it back home to tell the wife that I had just ruined our lives. I never made it and was taken into custody without incident. “”to be continued”” |
Wow Samsheppard. That is an amazing story. I'm so glad you came through that. |
"continuing" Arrested, finger printed, blood withdrawn because I refused to take a breath test and placed in a holding area. It was all very real and it was not going to get better. My world became very small and my every move scrutinized. It took the prosecutor six months to finally charge me with felony DWI. I was looking at seven years in prison and the loss of my professional licenses. This in my mind was equivalent to a death sentence. In the prime of my life retooling and changing careers would be virtually impossible. It would be divorce, bankruptcy and homelessness. Under advisement of my newly hired attorney I attended AA and enrolled in a 26 week out-patient substance abuse program. Both programs were beneficial as I was at a point that the information penetrated the thick layer of prideful arrogance that permeated the majority of my adult life, humbling. The chronology of my abuse of alcohol and other substances made it clear to me. The event that occurred was not a freak accident but a certainty of eventuality. "to be continued" |
Congrats on 22 months Sam. D |
What are you doing for your sobriety besides not drinking? |
"continuing" My court case was not typical and the State’s witness failed to show during preliminary hearings and it was summarily dismissed. It was 17 months from the date of the accident and from date of my last drink of alcohol. My wife and I were relieved and happily thinking we were going to be able to put this all behind us. I accepted my alcoholism and continued to attend AA doing step work and also listening to speakers on YouTube while working in the office on the weekends. Two months later we receive a letter from the prosecutor, he refiled the case and I was once again being charged with Felony DWI. "to be continued" |
Originally Posted by Samsheppard64
(Post 7372535)
"continuing" My court case was not typical and the State’s witness failed to show during preliminary hearings and it was summarily dismissed. It was 17 months from the date of the accident and from date of my last drink of alcohol. My wife and I were relieved and happily thinking we were going to be able to put this all behind us. I accepted my alcoholism and continued to attend AA doing step work and also listening to speakers on YouTube while working in the office on the weekends. Two months later we receive a letter from the prosecutor, he refiled the case and I was once again being charged with Felony DWI. "to be continued" |
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