Wine drinking woman, desperate to stop
 

I have been lurking here for several years. Always wanting to join in, but afraid. I have been so impressed by the strength, compassion, wisdom and goodness I see here. I hope I can be part of this community and pull myself out of the darkness I have been in for the past 7 or 8 years.

Wine is my problem. I have tried quitting many times, sometimes making it 3 or 4 months, but always going back. I have to make a change.

I am a woman, in my 50s, a wife, a mother of older children and a wine drinker. A bottle a night lately, still functioning, hiding it for the most part from all my friends and family... functioning, but miserable and unhealthy, and hating myself. I see my life falling down around me, my health and looks declining, my interests and creativity and energy going by the wayside, all progress stalling. I get things done, but just barely. Almost everything that was beautiful and deep and real has been replaced by an endless round of thinking about wine, regretting wine, buying wine, drinking wine, hiding wine, disposing of wine, recovering from wine and repeating. Over and over. Day after day. Early morning appointments? No way. Projects languish. Piles accumulate. I used to have interests and hobbies and talents and joys. They've been replaced by drinking. On the outside, I think most people would have no idea. But I know how miserable and small my life has become. And yet I can't stop myself.

I have tried all the things I've read here. Having a plan. Distracting myself. Doing something productive. Surfing the urge. Just saying no for the day. But somehow I still come around a day or two later to thinking it's not so bad, I can have a drink. Listening to the crack of that screw top, Hearing the glug of the wine in the glass. I know it's addiction. The pleasure is only in that moment, and then nothing but misery and deprivation follows. But I repeat and repeat. The "joys" of drinking are long gone. I don't use pretty glasses. I don't drink in restaurants or on seaside terraces. I pour plastic glasses in secret in the garage or kitchen or laundry room and hide plastic tumblers behind laundry and dishes. So glamorous.

I never was a drinker before middle age .. not even in my young days in college, and never through my pregnancies and breastfeeding and days with young children. But, in my 40s, probably a little depressed and very anxious, I began to drink more and more, easily falling in with the suburban mom, book club wine-drinking thing. I never thought I was "medicating myself" but realize I probably was. It started so innocently.. joining my husband with a glass of lovely wine, discussing the vintage and variety. One bottle between us became two.

At first it was only on weekends, then Thursdays, then Sundays. Then every night. First a few glasses, then a whole bottle, and more if we had it. When I realized it was too much, I announced I was stopping. Social drinking ended. Everyone knew: Tealily only drank seltzer and "mocktails". Little did they know I would stop at the store on the way home and buy a bottle to drink in full, alone at home. Finding an excuse to run to the store, making sure I have wine. Hiding the empties. Switching stores. Cringing at the recycling truck emptying our clanging can. I never go to bars, never am drunk in public.. but every night at home when everyone is asleep, I give in. I don't even try to rationalize that "I deserve it" because I know that's stupid.. I actually "deserve" better health .. not pouring a bottle of poison through my liver .. but I do it anyway. Every morning I swear I won't, but I do it over and over and over again. I have had countless Day Ones, only to falter after Day Two.

I hope I can help someone with my story, and pray that you all can help me stop now. I want a better life, with what I have left. And I want to be better for my husband and kids. And myself. Please help me! Thank you for this community.

Welcome,

I am so glad you are here. Wine was also my downfall, but is has been almost 17 momgns since I have had a sip of alcohol, and I am able to deal with life much better. You can do this. Join the May of 2017 class, you'll be surrounded by others who have stopped drinking this month as well. Also, check out the 24 hour thread, lots of great support on there.

You've got this!

Hi there, wine was also my thing. I did the same things as you. I am only on day 2. We all know how youre feeling. Youre in really good hands here. This is a wonderful beginning, and such a wonderful place to start.

I would also suggest that you come to the chat room if youre desperate at night and trying to stay away from wine. If no one is there, wait a little while for someone to come on and also post in the forum as often as you need to. You WILL get the support you need here to break this painful, self abuse.

We all want to stay sober here, and we all know how painful this cycle us.
Its a GREAT step that you posted here today.

Stick around and keep on communicating and reading, no matter what.
Its possible to get sober. It really is <3

I'm glad you posted tealily :)

I think there's something about being an active member here - asking for help, getting help and helping others that really do, and will, make a difference.

Glad to have you join the conversations :)

D

Hi Tealily, good to meet you.

Wine was my preferred poison too. I loved it, really loved it. Couldn't imagine a world without it. Panicked if I was running out and didn't have a bottle or three hidden around the house. And at the rate I drank, I was always running out and having to replenish my secret stock. So much of your post I can relate to.... The secret night time drinking, the plastic glasses poured secretly in the garage, hiding the empties. Yep, I did all that. So that's why when I tell you it is possible to stop, I hope you believe me. I haven't drunk any alcohol for almost 7 months now and not only is it possible to live without wine, life slowly becomes rather awesome.

My advice would be to use this site a lot. As soon as you feel like pouring a glass of wine, post here instead. Break the habits you've created around wine. Join the monthly class, visualise your life without wine and stay positive. You can do this :)

Welcome!

Wine mine also! Bottle a nite,2 at weekends 👎🏻

You made first big step by posting - that takes courage and you have acknowledged problem

I'm still very early days (38) but believe me life is SO much better without it !

Keep posting - vent,cry,shout,laugh - support is here and is amazing !!

Hi TL. Welcome. Lonely existence, huh? Know it only too well. I do AA meetings- for the connection. Being a 'closet drinker' this may seem fearful to you- but you have an awareness this habit is becoming an uncontrollable addiction. I need regular face to face support- with AA. SMART is good also. Perhaps if isolating and feeling 'a bit depressed' you might consider seeing a counsellor. I lost everything because I drank more and more- behind the façade of being normal. SR is an excellent resource as well. However sharing and listening to others in person- who understand, do not judge has been a gamechanger for me. Lots believe such support groups are only for die hard gutter drinkers- god beating fanatics...NO. Some are- but no more than any other group of people. Having a sponsor - though is good, a mentor or a guide to talk to and share when feeling alone and isolated. I HAD HUNDREDS OF DAY 1'S. iT REQUIRED ME TO BREAK THE CYCLE BY TRYING SOMETHING DIFFERENT- EVEN THO I DID NOT WANT TO. iT MEANT LISTENING WHAT WORKED FOR OTHERS.
empathy AND SUPPORT TO YOU, pj . oops caps lock, do that.

PhoenixJ locked onto the same thing as I did:

Worth reading again. You've been drinking in secret and trying to recover in secret and it's not working. Stop repeating what doesn't work. Overcome that fear that's holding you back from the help you need.

Hi TL
Glad you posted here, I was the same . Lurking for a while and comparing myself to people who were "worse" than me. I was never a sloppy drunk and always functioning. But I can relate to the secret drinking and hiding the glass while my husband was around. I didn't have my first drink till I was 25 and it was only occasionally. A lot of your story rings true with me.
I hope being here helps and I wish you good luck and positive energy.
Please check back and let us know how your doing!

"I have tried all the things I've read here. Having a plan."

having a plan is great!
but useless if its not put into action.
my car needs brakes. i read up on how to do it. bought all the parts.
i dont know why my car wont stop. i read up on it and even bought the parts.

Welcome!

Your story sounds a lot like mine. The last night my husband and I drank wine together we went through 6 bottles of wine between the 2 of us. THAT was it for me!

Glad you're here!

:tyou

Welcome and I'm glad you posted.

It helped me a lot to come here and read and post every day. I always find inspiration here. I also didn't drink at all until my mid forties. Then things came together in a bad way - two teens at home, husband away a LOT, stressful job, health concerns, insomnia. Self-medicating with wine seemed like the perfect answer. :(

Do you keep alcohol in your house? My suggestion would be to get rid of it all, and don't buy anymore. I found I needed to fully accept that alcohol was not an option, ever. At that point my mind began to find new, healthy ways to cope with life.

Let me say, I started with wine then progressed to wine and vodka, not in the same drink, but vodka by myself, then wine with the wife, to keep up appearances. Though she knew something was off.

It progresses. Nip it as soon as possible.
I couldn't stand to throw anything away, though I generally couldn't keep my hands off any booze in the house, so we never had any sitting around. If you can't throw it away and it's good quality, give it away to a normal drinker.

"I see my life falling down around me, my health and looks declining, my interests and creativity and energy going by the wayside, all progress stalling. I get things done, but just barely. Almost everything that was beautiful and deep and real has been replaced by an endless round of thinking about wine, regretting wine, buying wine, drinking wine, hiding wine, disposing of wine, recovering from wine and repeating. Over and over. Day after day. Early morning appointments? No way. Projects languish. Piles accumulate. I used to have interests and hobbies and talents and joys. They've been replaced by drinking. On the outside, I think most people would have no idea. But I know how miserable and small my life has become. And yet I can't stop myself."

Welcome, tealily :grouphug:

This was me, just substitute vodka. Many of us here believed we couldn't manage getting sober, until we did.

I started like you, lurking. Not posting, just reading. But once I started to involve myself in this generous community, posting and responding, it really made a difference to me on a more personal level. I started to take on the bountiful wisdom, as it pertained to me.

I hope to see you around :grouphug: we get it.

My story is almost identical. I decided almost 4 weeks ago I had had enough. That's it. No more drinking, no booze comes into our house.

You can do it. I follow the AVRT method, in the Secular Connections area of this site. It's basically that I will not drink ever again under any circumstances. Period. It works for me as I'm a yes/no/black/white/carb/no carb person. I can't moderate in anything.

Look into it. I have had many failed attempts at a 2d or 3d day and this concept really works for me, along with finally having enough of all the mental exhaustion that goes with the disease.

Hello tealily, it's great that you posted! SR is a fantastic resource.
I can relate to so much of what you posted. Things can and do get better!
I think it might be a good idea to have a frank discussion with your husband about your concerns. I'd suggest too, joining the May class. I love my class!
I was in my 50s when I stopped. I went to an addictions agency for individual and group work. I'd start perhaps with a visit to your doctor?
Keep posting. Good wishes to you.

Welcome to the family. :) I was a wino also. I had to make a commitment to get sober, make it my first priority. I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

I hope our support can help you get sober for good. :hug:

I was a wine drinker. My last drinking episode was two bottles with the gift of a black out. I had been wanting to quit everyday. In fact, on that day I had decided I was not going to drink at all. The rest is history.

My emotional and mental space became intolerable. I knew, no matter what happened, that alcohol needed to be removed from my life in order for me to live. The nightly habit was just that, a habit. I needed to find a different way to live. It became a crisis. A big ******* crisis that I created and I could create a different outcome if I wanted too.

The one thing that was instrumental in abstaining from wine was getting honest about what I did and who I had become. You have taken that step. Good for you. This is not an easy thing to do. Forming new habits was the next challenge.

Logging on here and posting everyday became the priority.
Restructuring my time and what I did in the evening became a mission.
Dee and others speak of a plan. What am I going to do tonight that does not involve drinking wine?

Take a bath. Eat dinner. Log onto the forum. Watch netflix or read. Fall asleep. Wake up refreshed. Rinse and repeat.

I, too, could abstain for months on end and then fall back into the same horrid cycle of destruction. At the most, I have a few years of sobriety over the last decade. It is true that alcoholism progresses. The drinking became more and more and more. It's just way too much to continue on and the thought of living my life surrounded by hangovers, bottles and illness is too much to bare.

You never have to feel the way you feel now again. You can recover from this and you can be happy. Create a plan and stick with it. Post here often. Find a few close friends or family members to confide in and move forward. It gets easier as time moves along.

Here for you.

Thank you all for the welcome and support. I'm so grateful for this lifeline. I have thought I could fix this on my own for several years now .. but clearly I can't. I noticed on my introductory post that I joined here in 2015 (!), and know I was lurking before that, but have only just come out of the shadows now.

My husband is the only one I"ve confided in. He has tried to help me, but I have confessed relapses over and over, so it's a broken record. He's not pressuring me, but to avoid the shame of confessing again, I now just hide it. He still drinks, without a problem, so we have wine and beer in the house. He has offered to not have it here. Maybe I need to take him up on that. I don't usually drink his wine, but seeing him with a glass doesn't help.

Friends think I've quit for health reasons, and even praise me for how "good" I'm being and that they wish they could do the same. I feel like such a fraud. I don't even miss drinking in social situations now. I've gotten past that. I'm used to ordering water and seltzer in restaurants and don't embarrass myself in front of others anymore. Instead I drink alone at home, very late at night, buying wine almost daily with our groceries (only one bottle at a time, or I'd drink more).

I hide it in my car. I stay up till all hours. I fall into bed way after midnight, in effect pass out, and wake up about 4 hours later, miserable and ashamed of myself. I swear I won't do it again, and if there's any wine left I go downstairs and pour it down the drain.

During the day I swear I"ll stop, that this will be the newest new first day. I even note the date somewhere. But about dinnertime I start thinking of excuses for why it's ok to buy wine at the grocery store, and it starts all over again. I've educated myself that I know it's not a "reward", that I don't "deserve it" after a hard day, so I don't even try that line. It's just that I am addicted to it.

Since I drink late at night, I can't distract myself with, say.. a walk with the dog, or a trip to the gym.. because it's midnight. So all I have is will power, or lack of it.

I have gained about 25 pounds in the last few of years. I had always been slim, and now have a belly that looks like I'm 7 months pregnant. I wear baggy tunics. I have puffy eyes and dull skin. I think I've aged 10 years in 5. Everyone always thinks I'm much younger than I am, but now I feel that's changing. I'm looking my age and then some.

I feel like I"m successfully hiding it, but sometimes when my teenagers come home late and I've had a bottle of wine, I know they are not stupid. I struggle to not slur my words and appear normal, but I forget what they tell me. I"m filled with shame. I want to be a good example to them and don't want to squander the time I have left with them at home.

I started an antidepressant in the fall that did wonders for me, and the effect on my wish to drink was almost miraculous. I had no interest in it. I stopped drinking completely for over 3 months. It was as if the antidepressant took over the role of the alcohol.. it eased my anxiety, so I didn't need the wine. I felt wonderful. But then, after the initial benefit of the medication, a few months in, it seemed to be working less, and I started thinking about wine again. I'm not supposed to mix the two, so I stopped taking the antidepressant. I replaced a successful antidepressant with a depressant again.

I am sorry to have gone on so long. I feel bad about talking about myself so much. I want to get to the point of helping others, but know I need to help myself before I can. Thank you for listening.

please, tealily, talk about yourself :grouphug:

Your story is helping others, those still lurking, new posters and old posters alike, we all benefit from each others stories.

I will just speak to a couple of points, if your husband is a normal drinker and has offered to stop or, at least, not have wine in the house, take him up on it. At some point, we have to live in a world where alcohol abounds but if you can have some space in the beginning, why not take it?

Also, I am glad you are not mixing alcohol and an antidepressant. I started on an AD about a year into my sobriety. It was the right decision for me. Maybe it is time for you to revisit this with your doctor.

I am glad you are here :grouphug:

Oh Tealily , I could have written this exact same post. I see so much of me in your post. I didn't drink til after my children were born in my 30s .
They have all grown up and left home.

I'm now in my 50s and have struggled a lot like you.

I'm so, so happy that you took the plunge and decided to write.
I love your honesty and you sound like a lovely woman.

You truly deserve better for yourself and I hope you can find it with us.

There are so many wonderful people here that I truly love and are proud to call my friends.

We have a bond here like no other. We have all come together without judgement and really want to help our fellow alcoholics.

I still don't like writing that down but have to be true to myself.

Now that you have taken this step you can make yourself accountable to you .
Let us help you.

When you get sober ,you will soon regain your love of your hobbies and enjoy the things you are good at.

You deserve this. I can't tell you how much better I feel after being 2 months sober. There is nothing better in life that getting off that damn drinking treadmill.

It's no life, it's hell . I love being able to have conversations with my family again without being hungover, I love being able to be there when I'm needed instead of making a lame excuse ,which no one believes anyhow.

Most of all, I just love being ME again. I want you to be YOU again and I know you can be.

We are all in your corner lovely, please take those first steps xxx

Much love :kiss:

Exactly what I did. We laughed because I have my celexa every day for the past 4 weeks. Which is more than I took last YEAR because I didn't want to mix it with booze. And I chose booze over it. Stupid.
The recycling bottles, shame, secrets, skin, weight. It's identical.
You know and I suspect have known since before you joined in 2015 that you need to stop.

Go to sleep instead staying up all night.

Accept your husband's support. No booze in the house really helps.

Please dont worry about posting. It is important that you have people to talk with with regarding your situation. After you help yourself, you will be able to help others. You have to build the sober path right now.

Your concerns and thoughts are all too familiar. I got really tired of doing and saying the same things over and over again. I was always and forever going to quit drinking. Its funny how it doesnt really work that way when you're in the depths of an addiction.

Today can be different. Today can be the start of a new beginning. You can tackle this issue and gain back your confidence, your health and overall goodness of life. You do not have to suffer anymore.

Make a plan. A plan to abstain and all the things that you will do to guard yourself from alcohol. Work the plan.

Maybe part of the plan could be to check into the 24 hr thread?

I have tears in my eyes from everyone's kind words. I have felt so alone in this. It's such a relief to share finally. Thank you, thank you. I'm reading and re-reading all your suggestions and feel a glimmer of hope.

SR is open for business 24/7, tealily :)

You will never be alone around here :grouphug:

Hi tealily. Like others have said, your story rings familiar. Up until a year ago, I was drinking nightly for decades. Now, at 45, I've had 7 straight months alcohol free. I covered up the quantity that I was drinking from my friends and family. The past 7 months have been revealing and full of gifts. One resource that helped me think about alcohol in a different light was "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace. I highly recommend you give the book a shot and see if Annie's theories help you quit.

Thanks for posting, and I hope you keep coming back.

Hi and welcome to you, so glad to have you posting and seeking support.
Count me in the wino group. I was at a bottle a night too, then I started going for a glass here and there earlier in the day, then earlier in the day, then earlier until at the end I was drinking 3 or more bottles a day generally starting around 10 am after coming back home from the gym. I was miserable, dead inside. I am so thankful to be sober. For me, going to rehab and having a month to break the cycle and learn new strategies was crucial, I received daily psychological support in the form of group session and one on one. I don't know if you are at that stage yet, but if it is something you think might help I give it my 150% approval. It was a tough month but I legitimately liked rehab.
Something else to consider would be setting up an appointment with your doctor and asking about the various medications that can help. I always preface this by saying that there is no magic pill that takes away the fact that one is an alcoholic. However, there are medications available to help. One is antabuse, you absolutely CANNOT drink while taking this medication. It causes an extreme reaction when mixed with even a minimal amount of alcohol, even potentially resulting in something as serious as a heart attack or death. It works for people who are truly committed to sobriety but need an extra backup reason that they absolutely cannot drink. Two others are naltrexone and campral, both of these work to diminish cravings. I have taken campral and found that it drastically reduced both the frequency and intensity of cravings. I have read (through copious amounts of online research) that naltrexone works even better but it is unfortunately not prescribed for alcohol addiction where I live. That said, I would guess that it is the same with any medication that one or the other works better for certain people depending on a number of different factors. You can take antabuse in combination with either naltrexone or campral. Your doctor would be able to prescribe any of them and explain better how they work.
Lastly, if your husband has offered to help you I would encourage you to take him up on it. I too didn't want others to have to change their habits for me or feel like I was putting anyone out, but in the end I just couldn't deal. I had to make my home alcohol free. I have been able to make exceptions for a few dinners I have hosted but in truth I have cut way back on my entertaining. I feel safe and comfortable in my home knowing there is no alcohol and there are no corkscrews.

Hi Tealily, I was thinking of you today:D how are you going?

Make sure you check in every day so we can help you out. Or just to have a chat if you feel like it.

SR is so supportive, it's perfect for your needs right now.

Enjoy your life honey, you've got a lot to live for xxx :grouphug:

Thank you so much SnoozyQ for asking. I didn't drink last night. Had a horrible time getting to sleep though. I need to figure out the forums and how to join the May group. One day or a couple have never been too hard.. it's sustaining it! :tyou

Second morning in a row with no alcohol the night before. Feeling better but having trouble sleeping. Amazing how much less bloated I feel after only two nights of being good to myself. Waking up feeling relief rather than regret. Sometimes I think I'm kidding myself that I can keep it up, but it has to start sometime, and opening up and posting here has been the one difference so far. Maybe this will be it.

I've had fleeting thoughts/cravings in late afternoon, but I've jumped right on them and told myself it's a lie and only feelings, I don't have to act on them, I can let them pass, and it's worked so far. I'm steering way clear of the alcohol aisles in the store. I've told my husband, and he has not had any alcohol in my sight the last few nights. I had been buying wine and beer for him, along with groceries, which was a huge risk, I realize. I was always tempted to get a bottle for myself too. Hoping this is a new corner turned.