Why do I do this?
 

OCD, anxiety?

Im now coming off 5 days of binging. I can't cope,go and but a four pack of cheap light beer, binge one after the other, purge and start all over.

I just can't deal. My neighbor pushed every one of my buttons. I could feel the anger building. I started panicking, binged and absolutely ripped into her, telling she's f'ing annoying, she's triggering me, and to mind her own f'ing business. Then I cried.

I'm overwhelmed. All I want to do is pay my bills and have peace. It's like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The doctors office cancelled my appointment and rescheduled for the 16 th.

Why do I get hurt so easily. I'm so scared. I'm an adult and I'm so scared. Every lousy thing anyone had ever said comes back to me. I just want peace.

I'm afraid to relax because of memories.

Is this withdrawal?

I push the good away and stuff myself with bad. I punish myself over and over.

Can you (or do you want to) seek professional help if you cannot quit on your own?

It's probably not withdrawal if you are still actively drinking Melissa, its most likely addiction itself. Withdrawals are not fun either, but they are necessary if you do want to quit. None of your other problems can be addressed until you quit either, unfortunately...so it's a necessary evil. Have you considered detox or rehab by chance?

Today is day 1.

I've been to detox and rehab. I can stop. Then things will build up. My old fears.

I've stopped for years. Now I'm scared I just enjoy being self destructive

It's almost like someone who cuts and feels better. A release.

I must like it on some sick level.

I hate myself.

Melissa, we care about you very much. Perhaps if we had the answers to your questions there's be fewer of us. A main thing seems to be getting gaught up in the anger. Then deep regret.

The way it works for me. : It's a pendulum. Swinging from one extreme to another fueled by alcohol. You need to stop pushing the pendulum. Let its swinging slow down. The best way I know for this is balanced movement and balanced meditation. Balance needs balance. While allowing yourself to feel the anger, don't get angry at the anger, walk, swim or run always trying to notice how is my breath in the area around the nose. Begin with these simple balance exercises. Slowly the habit pattern changes and you'll find you are more balanced by practicing being balanced.

I felt similar to how you describe it in my last days of drinking. I wasn't binge drinking by then but a daily drinker (didn't get drunk but needed it to be able to function I thought) and I tried to not drink for 2-3 weeks which led to drinking every other day roughly and constant withdrawal before I made a serious attempt at quitting.
I felt suicidal, angry, anxious, helpless, totally overwhelmed, everything was too much, I had no perspective and I thought I needed the alcohol to keep my bad memories (family issues, being raped and later robbed as a late teen/ young adult) locked away. I can also relate to the punishing.
The first two weeks of sobriety were like hell. I couldn't do anything. I just sat in my kitchen, tried to eat and drink lots of water and tea and kept reading and posting on here. That's pretty much all I did. I wrote lots of my thoughts down, tired to allow myself to experience my emotions, even if bad, rather than drowning them in booze.
The good thing is, if you stop drinking and punishing yourself it will get better. It's not easy, really it's hard work but so worth it. And I think you're worth it too happyface:

I pushed my ex-husband right out of my life.

Anyone that gets too close is pushed out.

I'm not happy unless I'm miserable? Omg.

Thank you both so much.

Yes, it's like if I get TOO well, I have to sabotage myself.

Ugh. I'm sick in the head and bitter.

I don't get why I get off on hurting myself.

Everyone here says they care. Why can't I believe that?

I used to blame my mother.

Now, I know it's not her fault. It's me behaving like a moron.

Kevlarsjal, am I allowed to ask how much you were drinking?

I made it to17 days. I was miserable.

Melissa - so sorry your so sad
You deserve peace and happiness
You already know what it's like to be sober - if you go through the withdrawals you will find peace
Your neighbor won't be able to push your buttons cos you won't be vulnerable
Do it for your self and make yourself proud and stop hating your self you sound lovely to me

Maybe it would be a good start to stay away from the booze, makes it much easier to learn to love and accept yourself. And to be less impulsive and cynical. That was the case for me at least.

I'm keeping your post on my screen to remind me grymt.

I just feel humiliated

It depended very much on the day, what I had to do, how my mood and stress levels were. Some days where I could handle my life a bit I drank maybe 3-4 glasses, other days 1.5-2 bottles. But the amount you drink, or what you drink, doesn't really make much of a difference once you have a problem with alcohol IMO.

It sounds to me like a self fulfilling prophecy. When you push people away it makes you miserable so you push people away.

Not trying to be funny, but like George Costanza said: if everything I think is wrong then the opposite must be right.

Maybe try changing the way you view things. It's certainly not an overnight fix but it will help. I used to get angry all the time for every reason under the sun. I figured out there was only one constant. Me. I was the problem not them. Maybe the people that anger you aren't trying to. It's just who they are, or maybe their just a*sses. Either way it's healthier to try and understand where they are coming from or just accept them for who they are.

Quitting drinking, obviously, is step 1.

Yes I know. Just trying to figure out how much suffering I'm in for.

I'm just obsessing. I always did. I had problems before I ever picked up a drink. I can't afford anymore counseling. Besides, here I don't put up the ******** facade. I've spent my whole life being able to pull off looking and acting "normal"

That's why fake it till you make it doesn't work for me.

I just want to feel better

ok, when the wildness settles down. Continue doing what works. A lot of things will keep coming up. Keep on not picking up the first drink. Very important. Keep doing what works.

For me, once I've settled down it helps to attend to some personal need like nourishment, tidying up, rest. Keep bringing your attention to the breath as you go about doing the necessary chores. Continue to change the habit pattern a little bit at a time.

Oh I get it. I did the same thing. I told my wife I was an alcoholic she didn't believe me. Seriously she didn't. I told my kids I quit drinking and they asked me why, so I'm an expert at faking it. It didn't work for me either.

I just said I'm done and didn't consider anything else. It surely sucked and 4 months in it's not perfect but I'm better now, by a mile, then before.

Yesterday I started a thread about anxiety I had for no reason. It sucked but here I am still standing, well sitting.

the way it works is perhaps explained by paraphrasing Goenka.

The heat of the fire is fueled by adding fuel.

To cool the fire stop adding fuel and throw a handful of cold water on it.

There is an eruption of steam and sound.

Throw another handful of water.

More eruptions.

In time there are no more eruptions.

The process of stilling the anger or passion is the same.

The water is the equanimous awareness. The eruptions is the past store of suppressed anger.

Keep bringing the awareness to the breath in the area of the nose. An eruption follows. Keep throwng cold water on the anger. Don't throw anger on the anger... In time the heat is gone.

Alcohol addiction often causes us to "self sabotage" or "be triggered" because intellectually we understand the binging is wrong/bad for us, so we need a reason - any reason - to pour that first drink down our throats. Ultimately despite whatever circumstance life deals, it is only us pouring or not pouring the poison in our bodies.

Very early sobriety sucks. Sleep disappeared (for me), craved sugar, raw nerves, pissed off at everyone, just miserable.

But then. Then when your mind starts to heal, and sleep returns, and odd things genuinely make you laugh during the day, and a new calm starts to pervade your spirit - you start to get a taste of the real you, and life begins to seem much more interesting.

You have to grit your teeth and have faith in the very early days and dont break the promise to YOU - today, no matter what happens, I WILL NOT drink.

A few months of discomfort and misery beat a certain destiny of heartache and pain, right? :)

You can do this! You are the only one who can do this!!!

Honestly, the drink is always "there" for me. It doesn't criticize me, abandon me, have to go to work, go on a date (like my parents always did)...

It's comfort when I don't have any other.

That's very powerful and scary. Because my mind skips right over the "getting sick" part if I'm suffering.

I'll pray, I'll try to love myself. I don't know how.

Thank you madgirl.

Hi Melissa. I just wanted to say that I have ben where you are, and its no fun. I hope you start feeling better, and can find a way to love yourself. Because that is where we need to start. I struggle with that myself. Its not an easy road, but I've heard its worth it? :)

Depression is a psychological disorder. Despair is a spiritual disorder. It was the Danish philosopher and theologian, Kierkegaard who said that depression is a general feeling, while despair “is marked by a desire to get rid of the self, an unwillingness to become who you fundamentally are.” Who, better than the alcoholic or addict, understands wanting to get rid of ourselves. That is what getting drunk and high is. If we are unwilling to be who we fundamentally are--in a clean and sober state--then we have to look at despair as being one of the causes of that failure.

I have always suffered from a low self worth stemming from childhood abuse and bullying and then a lot of failures and heartbreaks as an adult.. it is no wonder I leaned so hard on alcohol! What got me out of it, personally, was deciding to put my faith in God, and then seeking out stories of women who have had similar experiences as me, the abuse, the bullying, the deep-seated shame and self-loathing and addiction as adults, and I found out how they survived and overcame it and came to believe they were worthy. I had to SEE that I wasn't alone and that it was possible to go through all that and survive it and be happy. I'm only 6 months sober and I'm still dealing with a lot of ups and downs but I am learning how to treat myself better and live a happy life, slowly but surely. One thing I knew, was that I couldn't even begin this work if I didn't quit drinking.

Melissa, I lived a life of self-sabotage for a long time, too. I would ruin anything good that came along. What worked for me was shifting my thinking and believing that I did deserve a good life. We all do.

I think that stopping drinking will give you the basis for believing in yourself and that you can be the person you want to be.

I am many things. Things that are good for me to be and things that are not good for me to be. I can choose to identify myself with the things that are good. Sometimes that is not a lot of me but I choose to step into that space and not step out of it. As I do that the other aspects of me intrudes or I become very aware of that and I feel overwhelmed. If I continually choose to step in to and stand in the space where there is good in me, slowly that space starts to grow. I haven't lied about who I am, I've simply changed what aspects of who I am I choose to live with. The other aspects, apart from getting a bit frantic about its lot, I have to not get complacent when it seems so liberating to be freed from the negativities as they wither and pass away. There is change. Deeper negativities arise, to pass away. They are no longer suppressed and no longer need to be acted on. The inner peace grows.

It's not pretending to be something you are not, it's choosing to identify with and defend the parts of your self that are good for your recovery.

Thank you all. I feel a bit of hope

good, be happy.