For a long time I thought I was being intentionally self-destructive. I knew drinking would lead to bad things, but I drank anyway. The only explanation was that I MUST BE self-destructive.

Turns out it wasn't the only explanation. Being addicted to alcohol was producing feelings, and those feelings weren't really connected to any of my thoughts. I felt like drinking because that's what being addicted did to me - it made me feel like drinking. I didn't want the trouble it was causing. I was just willing to risk the trouble to placate my maladaptive appetite for alcohol. My actions were self-destructive, but they weren't intended to do be that way.

One of the most interesting discoveries on my journey is that I can have thoughts and feelings that don't actually mean anything about my character or intentions. They just are.

Thank you for that insight.

I'm sick and beat up from binging.

I feel stupid, rejected, ashamed, guilty..


I can't focus. I just lay here.

I just keep going around the same mountain.

I'm useless.

How about taking a different path? Like rehab or detox? At some point we have to accept that doing things on our own or "our way" simply won't work. You aren't useless, but you are making things very, very difficult for yourself.

I agree with this. It sounds like inpatient rehab would be the perfect place to get things together with your alcoholism and mental health.

That's another feeling my addiction would produce. So easy to convince me to drink if I am useless. After all, why wouldn't a useless person drink? Why bother staying sober if you're useless anyways?

As it turns out, I am quite useful.
My guess is you are, too. :grouphug:

The first 48-72 hours after coming off a binge are the worst. Don't believe everything you think.

You CAN do this. :ring

I've been. It won't work. I'll actually just add one more thing to be ashamed of to my list.

Aside from it being a waste of time, I can't afford it.

If someone here thinks a salvation army type rehab would help me, I can assure you I'd just feel shittier and more pathetic.

Assuming I could even get into one in the state of Florida. Haha.

I also have my dogs. I dont need anymore emotional battering. I think I'd rather commit suicide than be put through anymore.

Don't kill yourself! :( That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And think of your dogs. They need you to care for them.

:hug:

If you do want to quit you'll have to start coming up with a list of things that will work, rather than reasons why they won't. Rehab doesn't always work the first time for everyone, just like AA or AVRT or whatever else you choose. That doesn't mean it won't work the next time.

Do you have the desire to quit? My guess is that somewhere inside you do you do, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Especially after you publicly decided to leave but still came back. What do you think you could do today to help yourself? You can't take care of your dogs when you are blackout drunk either, right?

People that keep saying rehab scare the **** out of me. Like jump back in a bottle and kill myself before I have to go through that nightmare.


It's very disempowering and causes me to feel helpless. I'm already a trauma survivor with flashbacks.

Yes Scott I obviously do.

I was hoping to find some personal insight and empowering suggestions.

Do you work for a rehab? Because it sure feels like you mind ******* me into doing something horribly against my better judgement.

I'd actually prefer sticking a loaded gun in my mouth, so please refrain from pressuring me.

I'm not giving that industry another dime.

I do not work for a rehab or any recovery related business. I actually work in the technology field and volunteer my time here on SR because I gained a lot of support here and hope that I can help return it.

No recovery method will work ( rehab included ) until you are ready to get sober. How about making a list of things you could do today to help yourself? I mean that literally...get a piece of paper and a pencil and write down a list. There is a lot of power in written words.

I already did. I'm HERE , I didn't drink, and I'm trying to take some of the advice given to stay centered.

I hear rehab and I PANIC.

you may feel stupid, rejected,ashamed,guilty
but feelings aren't always true.

ya know, one way to stop goin around the same mountain?
stop goin around it and go over it.

youre not useless, Melissa. youre sick, but there IS a solution which will require action.

why panic at something that could help?

it's just a word, and a suggestion, melissa.

you are very clear on what you won't do, what bothers you, what upsets you. but you are going to have to move to the mindset of what you ARE going to do. people have offered a LOT of suggestions. you can't just sit there and ruminate.

you've already made self-harm statements multiple times. if you are a danger to yourself, call the Crisis Line immediately. you DO need help. and this online forum is quite limited in what it can do for you.

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Like most people with anxiety disorders and PTSD, it's very important that I feel in control of my own life.

I suppose I was just looking for assurance that these feelings would pass as I guess I'm withdrawing.

Good analogy. Good advice. Time + not drinking = peace

Seeking mental health care for underlying problems can help as well. Did for me.

Yes it was and I've been trying to apply it all morning.

I'm not ruminating, I'm now I guess going through some unpleasant withdrawals.

My thinking was coming here kept my mind occupied while withdrawing.

If if it's a waste of my time and the time of others I'll find another forum.

I've reached out to my pastor and trying to breathe and stay centered.

I don't go over to someone with a broken leg and demand he start walking. As far as I know there was only one man in existence who had that power.

My wound is just as incapacitating and crippling atm

The benefit comes from keeping on bringing the awareness back to the breath in the area of the nostrils. The anger and other feelings will keep coming up. There will be numerous distractions. Times when you step off and do other things for a while. Over time the habit pattern of the mind changes and more and more the awareness is of the breath in the area of the nostrils while the eruptions continue but more in the background. You are now not the eruptions but the observer of them.