I just want to be well
 

I can't get better, just getting worse and the alcohol doesn't even work anymore..
Really down :hide:e070:

I'm so sorry as I know how bad you feel right now. If alcohol is "no longer working", it's most definitely time now, if it wasn't earlier. Only sobriety works. Lots of resources; this board, AA, rehab, etc. Find them and use them, please. You WILL feel much better with some sobriety.

Sorry to hear that Kaily. It's very likely that the alcohol itself is actually the reason you are getting worse. And also almost a certainty that the only way you will get better is if you stop drinking. Do you think you can accept that and make the decision to quit? I don't think there's another option to be honest.

What ever happened to the Detox you were supposed to be entering? This is most likely a life or death decision you are going to have to make at some point. You don't get unlimited chances.

Sorry to hear that Kaily. What have you tried so far?

I quit sometime mid month last month, and I already feel better. I was in a place where even one beer just made me tired, so I stopped.

I don't really have family apart from my Mom, so I'm doing it for myself and for her. Maybe someday I'll have a family of my own. At 39, I act 23yo, and lost a lot of years (decades?) to drinking.

Hello Kaily,

Reading through your threads since 2015 breaks my heart. Can you take some concrete action today to stop drinking ? Detox, rehab, something like that ? You need to do whatever it takes to get sober. We are all rooting for you.

Kaily
Ask yourself....do I want to live? There are opportunities out there just waiting for you and you can make a difference.

"and the alcohol doesn't even work anymore.."

That's a good thing.

The illusion of benefit is gone, the truth of destruction is revealed.

Prayers

I'm sorry you're still struggling Kaily.

D

Not sure if this will help, but I was in a similar place as you not to long ago (3 months). I, too, got to a place where drinking no longer provided me with any benefits. It used to make me feel good and I enjoyed it very much, but slowly but surely it became less and less fun. It got to the point where it was not only not fun but miserable. It started causing problems for me mentally and physically which I ignored for a long while. It got to the point where I said enough is enough. I'm finally starting to feel good about myself for the first time in a long time.

If I can do it I know you can.

You absolutely can get better, Kaily, but you need to put the drink down. It's a leap of faith, and you may be depressed and anxious for a bit until your head clears, but it's nothing compared to what I remember maintenance drinking all day felt like. It's been a while, so I don't remember exactly.

You must give your body and brain the chance to heal by abstaining, and that will require some discomfort. You must choose short term discomfort in exchange for long term relief from the bondage of perpetual withdrawal cycles. It's just how it goes.

You've probably stopped and started enough times by now over the years to know what lies ahead in the short term. What you may not remember much anymore is what comes after that is over, but you need to trust that it will be better than what will come if you keep drinking.

Don't just wait for a miracle detox from the NHS which may never come. If it comes, all the better, but don't count on it. They've been promising for a rather long time now, judging from what you've written.

I kept drinking and kept getting worse.

I didn't have the option of detox or inpatient.

Until I made the firm and final decision I was done or dead,
I just kept digging myself a deeper hole and more illness, stress, and destruction.

This sounds like where you are or where you'll be shortly.

You can stop, but you haven't really made up your mind to do it at all cost yet,
no holds barred.

It seems impossible to do when you are there, but like Algorithm says, you have
to make that leap of faith there is something better than drinking yourself to death.

When you do, you will find your way out.
I really wish that for you Kailey.

Hi Kaily,

I have also followed your threads, and know you are waiting on detox. It seems to be taking a while to get in. Have you followed up with them? I know it seems impossible right now, but you need to find something to help you stop drinking.

Is AA a possibility? Is there another rehab/inpatient option you can look into?

You already know withdrawals can be dangerous, maybe go to the ER for the initial and let them know you have tried tapering and it isn't working. Let them know how serious it is.

Thanks everyone.
I will try and answer some of the questions...
I do attend a alcohol misuse center with a view to getting help, I do everything they ask of me to prove I am a good candidate for funding. I also see a counsellor and attend a Smart meeting.

In the UK you can't just go to A&E to get help, trust me I have tried.

I did attend AA in 2015 but I was not comfortable, that said I am not comfortable drinking all day so I intend on giving it another go starting this weekend.

Everytime I feel a little bit positive I seem to get knocked back for example a couple of days ago I was due to see my counsellor and had also arranged to go to an AA meeting afterwards-first time in a long time.
So before all this I walked my dogs and right at the end of the walk one of them had an accident, I had to rush him to the emergency vet for stitches, poor thing, so I was unable to keep my plans so once he was safely home again I just wallowed in self pity for both of us and hit the vodka feeling it was totally justified.

I think that the very best time to quit alcohol is when it stops working...

Why pay all the costs (& we all know the many costs) when we get nothing at all in return?

It's like paying out every dime in your bank account for a broken car that cannot be fixed. Um. That's disappointing!!

Welcome! You just found a great community that knows exactly what you are talking about!!

Ps. One of the benefits of sobriety is that you are a way better dog mom!

My pup was attacked by another dog in the park last summer, & I was so grateful that I was sober & could drive him to the emergency vet!

One of the great gifts of sobriety is that I know I'm ready to deal with anything.

I do not always feel completely comfortable at AA meetings. I learned that there are some that are more right for me than others. In the beginning, I went to meetings here (in a new city for me) with the intention of finding the right ones for me, rather than the intention of liking every one. That made the process more interesting for me & took a lot of the pressure off.

I think for alcoholics finding excuses to drink comes easy. The excuses are everywhere. I had to except that there was never a reason to drink. At times I felt like I was fighting them back every minute of every day. But it gets easier.

Hi Kaily there are several Christian Detox centres dotted around England.I live in the U.K also.A person needing a referal does not have to be a practicing Christian etc.But referal is usualy through a United reformed or other free church,plus Baptist movement.From referal to a placement is very swift.'Betell'Christian Detox might be worth researching?

Thank you. I have never heard of this before. I will definitely look into it.

I do know that 'Betell'are not NHS funded,so refered folk are not waiting for funding etc.I may have spelt 'Betell'incorrectly.Take care and hope this is for you.

Kaily, back again. 'I just?'. I just want to be 30 years younger and rich. I just wish my life was easier. Well my life is not. It takes a lot of work. That journey is one we do not need to do alone. Post, go to meetings, seek professional support. Prayers to you, PJ.

Hi again Kaily.'Betel'Christain detox.One letter L.

Thanks again for the information.
Unfortunately it won't work for me as they want people to go and live with them for a year to 18 months and become part of an extended family. Nice idea but not when you already have a home, pets and part time work.

Well look after yourself Kaily.Prayers.

kaily, just what ARE you WILLING to do? you shoot down just about every suggestion and idea, you claim that you don't get the help you need - altho you have a counselor and are attending meetings.

at some point YOU are going to have to QUIT DRINKING. there's no two ways around it. and until you become willing to DO that, on a daily basis, you will continue to find more excuses to drink yourself to death.

there is no magic cure. we aren't keeping it a secret. you make the decision to NOT drink NO MATTER WHAT and then you do that every minute of every day. PERIOD.

Extremely unfair!

I don't think anyone e means to be unfair. It's great to have outside help and support and most of us do need it. But only we can stop drinking, decide not to pick up that first drink, make a plan, take it a day at a time, an hour or even minute by minute. At the end of the day no one is going to magically stop us drinking. As peopld say it.s that simple.its not easy but it is simple.

Everyone needs a plan and decide not to pick up have you had a drink today? Can you make today your day 1?

Funny how just one post can upset me so much. I do try and try, I can't just join a religious cult. I live alone how can I just leave everything for 18 months?

Not everyone can give up even though they want to.
Really upset.

Gosh no of course you can't go and join a cult. Most people couldn't or wouldn't want to anyway :) there are many other ways and support though. please don't be upset. No one is trying or wanting to upset you

We've all been where you are. I know for me I had to want to stop more than I wanted to keep drinking and just had to focus on what worked for me.