Hope you are doing well tonight, and feeling a little uplifted with the support in this thread. If not, I hope End Game's post at least made you chuckle, it made me.

I'm sorry guys.
 

I'm sorry I didn't mean to worry anyone. Nor was I trying to stir up any drama. I just posted this when feeling particularly low. To be honest I had forgotten I had posted this and just checked back in today.

I am physically ok. Or as ok as I have been.

I just got done talking to an intake councilor at the local government run addiction clinic here. And I'm just about to start my first drop in group meeting. The daily groups that they run here follow the SMART recovery model.

Can't say I'm going to stop. At most I realise that I desperately need to.But I'm not at the point where I actually want to which sounds so stupid to say lol. Or that I'll even attend more meetings. But I suppose at least I'm here.

I talked to the councilor about quitting and if detox would be necessary. She gave me the number of the detox centre here to call. I really don't want to admit that that would be necessary. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I managed to taper myself off some months ago. But back then I wasn't mixing the alcohol with sleeping pills. Honestly the thought of needing detox scares the hell out of me. And I immediately withdraw into denial.

Glad you checked in.
But the thought of trying to detox alone should scare you, too. It can be really dangerous. Maybe after a meeting or two you'll begin to believe you really can get and stay sober - going through detox might not be pleasant, but safer to do medically supervised, right? And while you're there you ought to be able to get additional support and information on resources for getting a good recovery plan put together. I hope you give the meetings a fair try. Could save your life.

It doesn't sound stupid to say, it sounds exactly like addiction. And most of us have been there. It is a good think that you are here, but it's going to take more than that.

Regarding the detox, please don't base your decision to go CT on past detoxes. Subsequent ones can be worse and symptoms you have never had before can pop up out of nowhere. And they can be quite severe. I quit on my own several times and the last time I tried I ended up being taken to the ER by a co-worker. I thought i was fine until I collapsed right in the middle of a meeting and had to be carried out with heart palpitations and a dangerously high BP/Heart rate. Fortunately I hadn't actually had a heart attack but i was close. Strokes, seizures and DT's are also rare but possible.

I think a part of you wants to stop or you wouldn' be here Smilax.

Feed the good wolf :)

D

Smilax - It's a relief to hear from you. I hope you'll keep posting - we all understand, and want to help.

You know how dangerous this is. :(

Yeah... Logically. I mean I'm a smart guy. It's potentially deadly. But... Somehow it doesn't register on some F'ing level.

It seems that being smart is only making it easier to self destruct. :(

I'm glad you checked in, Smilax.

I hope with the combination of meetings, your counselor and SR, you can form a plan for detoxing under medical supervision.

We're here to lend support.

Take good care.

So glad you checked back in Sim. Just to reiterate the health advice, maybe look into what liver disease looks like, it's a nasty horrible way to go. I sobered up quickly after watching it happen to my friend, sleeping pills after lots of drinking took her liver then her life.

I'm a smart guy too, Smilax, and I know that very little I say is going to deter you from self destructing, but still, I will try. There is no future in addiction -- none. You may as well voluntarily move to an active civil war zone, where life is often cheap, because there is no future, and where people often live just for today, knowing that tomorrow, they may die.

I could tell you "my story" to try and scare you sober, but I know that won't work, so I'll just say that since there is no future in addiction, it is simply wrong to wade any deeper into that swamp. You know this, of course, but think also of your family. I doubt that they brought you into this world in order for you to waste your potential, and your life.

Don't wait for a miracle, but simply be the miracle that you have always been.

Stand up, and walk away from the swamp.

Smilax,

This is my first post here. I have read many of your posts and i'm sorry to see you struggling.

You mentioned in one of your posts that you question being at SR at all, while still drinking, while still struggling with it.

This may be irrelevant, I don't know, but the reason I am reading your posts is because your situation reminds me so much of someone I know who is struggling too. Your posts give me insight in to at least some of the things he is probably struggling with too.

I've spent many hours at SR trying to gain insight and educate myself. I appreciate your honesty in sharing, I think that's so important, like others have said I hope, for you, that you keep posting.