Considering that you didn't actually kill anyone, you obviously realize that there is something very wrong, in the moral sense, with driving drunk, especially blackout drunk. There is always the possibility of criminal and civil penalties, but also of debilitating injury to yourself, or to others.

It helps to remember that most grievously immoral acts that people engage in while drinking, are done once already under the influence, usually after the ability to discern between right and wrong has been obliterated. I say this not to discourage guilt, but rather, to redirect it.

If drinking routinely obliterates your moral conscience, so that you can no longer make sound judgements, might not drinking, in and of itself, be immoral? Might not any thoughts of drinking be, in effect, an immoral proposition, to be disregarded on that basis alone?

I'm sorry this happened, and it reminds me of the many times I've felt exactly the way you do now. The tremendous guilt, shame, and remorse takes over your mind and body and you feel like things will never feel better. They will. If you stop drinking now, take it as a final warning from the universe that you are not a person who can drink, and work on yourself and becoming a better person. I'm only sober 8 months and my life has complexity changed for the better. I got myself into a ten week out patient rehab, where I would go for 3 hours 3 nights a week from 6-9, in group therapy and one on ones. I can't tell you how much it helped me. Changed my thinking and my life. I would recommend looking into it. Good luck and feel free to pm me if you want to.

That's terrifying, LTL! Time to make a change.:grouphug:

Welcome back LtL