The destroyer of relationships
 

Yep. That's me....

Hello SR, I must say iam not doing too well with sobriety, (as ushall) I am drinking abit less though. I to get something off my chest.

Yesterday I most likely destroyed my 3rd serious relationship with a woman in 5 years due to my blackout drunk behaviour.

And I have this pattern, that when I was with each woman, and we'd argue, id go in a tirade of swearing. It ranges from name calling to just one word "I f...ing hate you"...this phrase has been said in all my serious relationships whilst blind drunk, and only for something so small from their their behaviour that sets me off (Ushally jealousy is involved)

Obviously in the morning, I am shocked I could of said that as iam a naturaly nice guy. ...abit bitter in life, But generally polite.

Iam 25 she is 20, and the selfish ******* in me Ofcrourse didn't tell her that I have an alcohol problem (although, she hid from Me that she smokes)

So, yes. Today ive realised I am a mentally abusive drunk towards my girlfriend's when they deliberately play on my jealousy weakness (yes it's a fact young woman know how to deliberately instill a jealous reaction when they want too)


God help me if it becomes physical, because judging by my anger in life, and recent thought patterns and analysis of my psychology - it can develop to physical abuse :(

Dam, I sure have some mental health and anger issues. And I've always suspected I was not like other people.

Sorry if it sounds like a harsh post, I don't condone relationship abuse. Iam just discovering more problems and surprises in my personality:(

Dam, I sure have some mental health and anger issues.

sure.

now, what are you going to do about the alcohol issue? other than wait to see if it becomes physical?

analysis of your psychology might all be very interesting, but sounds like the best place to spend your energy would be to get and stay sober.

got some plans about that?

Hmm god knows how many times I've been here complaining over And over about my booze problem. I really am trying, but just not hard enough.

Such a horrible time to deal with this, 25 - young energetic life. Alcoholic everywhere, the thought of not touching a drop again realistically seems impossible, just too many triggers in my life.

Dam MH issues get bottled up in my sober days, and explode either through drunk tears, or drunk swearing rage.

Remember that Simpson episode when homer climbs the mountain and nearly gets to the top? Then finds he still has more mountain? - same feeling

Well, seems your old coping tool isn't helping you cope very well.

Your jealousy is your issue, not her fault. Just like your anger and alcoholism.

Get yourself straightened out before you take another hostage. Next time you could end up in jail.

I hope you can find some help.

hi mad

i too am an extreme example of self will run riot

just like my drinking was out of control, my thinking about myself was out of control

for me getting sober thru aa and then using the tools of being of service to others has been a big help

:tyou

Well I agree it's my issue, but disagree with you blue on one thing. When she physically throws herself on another man, then checks my reaction,..that is my fault HOW?? ...that's just not cricket.

Sure, I could remain calm if sober(I've done before, because it's a test) because she is still young, last i checked older women don't do this playground behaviour. but i couldn't control when very intoxicated.

But yes . These are MY issues, I Agree

I would suggest that you walk away and never see her again.

That's what I would do.

She doesn't sound like someone I'd be in a "relationship" with in the first place. If you had walked away it would have been over. You don't have to buy into her game.

We're at the walking away stage, blue. Hence my extremely angry approach last night, I said some verrrry nasty things, that I do regret. And it makes her the victim now. She is a nice girl most times, pure angel when you first meet her. But turns out She smokes, she lies , and she does these games. All red flags for me.

Hypocrit , I know. Iam no picnic either.

Like others have said here, I'd let that relationship go. It doesn't sound healthy for either of you.

With regards to your anger, bad **** happens when I drink too. But I've stopped and now things are completely different. Give it time and you'll find out who you really are, sober and you can treat the anger issues too. The thing is, alcohol is going to make everything worse, as you know.

I recommend making a plan. For me, I go to AA. If you've never been before, I'd give it a go and see how you get on. There are loads of alternatives to AA so stick with it!

I agree, that along with stopping drinking, you need to work on the underlying issues that brought you to this place. And, for me, that was the hard part. You will begin to see yourself and your life with more clarity and change will come. I hope you intend to stop drinking.

Madruski, if I could tell you some of the things I said to my husband while in a blackout, even when he was fighting cancer. It embarrasses me to even think about it because I am NOT that person. Put it this way, I understand.

I came to the conclusion that the anger comes from a fight within. I think we wrestle with the fact of letting go of alcohol which in turn, creates the anger that comes out when we're drinking. I almost think it's our ploy to remove all those who are important in our lives because if we successfully do that then we can get on with our drinking and don't have to worry about it anymore.

I know you're afraid of letting go of drinking but you can do this. In fact, what you'll find out once you get past the initial phase of quitting is that alcohol is lying to you. Life is really so much better without it. The problem is that you have to get there in order to experience it.

You CAN do this!

Its hard to determine mental illness from just plain alcoholism when in the throes of addiction. Get sober, give it at least 90 days, then have a mental health assessment.

I know I have to work on me before I can get into any kind of relationship. And that takes as long as it takes. I never want to hurt others but when I'm drunk, I do. Period. I love that phrase 'don't take another hostage' because that's what I do. It isn't fair. And I have to own MY behavior. Its not my job to point out other people's failings. And I have the option to walk away from any person that doesn't treat me with decency. I allow people to treat me the way they do.

I'm an alcoholic, pure and simple. If I'm drinking, no other analysis matters. I have to stop drinking first. Period.

What is that saying? "Hurt people hurt people."

If it were me I would focus on sobriety. There is no healing in the bottle.

I have only read the OP so forgive me if it has already been discussed, I would say first things first, and that is addressing the alcohol problem. Obviously it has a significant negative impact on your personality. Then, if the situation requires more attention (anger management, jealousy issues) then I would address those one at a time. Eliminating alcohol sometimes "cures" many other things that ail us.

Absolutely agree with others here. I did and said all sorts of stuff that was COMPLETELY out of character for me when drinking, and I was depressed and anxious to the point of being suicidal. Once I addressed the drinking head-on, most of that stuff just quit. The bad behavior certainly did, and the depression and anxiety is almost gone, also. With a head clear of alcohol, you'll be able to work on any other issues that remain. You really won't know what those issues are until you are sober.

And realistically, it is NOT impossible to live a life without another drop of alcohol. Lots of us here are doing it, and life is so much better in so many ways. Will it be easy? Probably not, if you surround yourself with people who still drink, and don't find new friends and activities. But it CAN be done. Might take a wholesale change of who you hang out with.

I think you know what you need to do without me or anyone else telling you.

If you are worried that you have ended 3 serious relationships because of your desire to drink and get drunk, I would think that isnt really working out.

I would always ask myself, and worry, if I were an alcoholic. Turns out I am an alcoholic. Doesnt matter to what degree, alcohol was causing a problem in my life. So I cut it out.

Gotta say I feel better, and with my generation bar hopping and drinking at any get together it was tough. But then it wasnt tough anymore if that makes sense.

You've crossed a lot of lines Madruski, and they aren't just "offensive" anymore - quite literally they are illegal and immoral. Not to say that others here haven't done the same thing, but at the end of the day you have abused another human being exclusively because you choose to continue drinking alcohol. Do you fully realize the gravity of that? When you pick up a drink you accept any actions that you may take, even if you don't remember doing it or if you don't "mean" to do it. Sit back and think about that for a minute....is that first drink really worth that much to you? Because all of this is about you and your choice to keep drinking....not about others and how they make you feel. You need to make the decision to stop and find a way to do it.

Madruski, there is always more mountain:)

good thing, too, that there is. anything else would be dead.

okay, so let me see if I hear what you're saying: being 25is a horrid age to get sober....somehow, I conclude, you assume it would be easier at 39 or54 or 72 or26 ?

and the presence of triggers not only determines whether you drink or not, but there is also such a thing as a certain acceptable number of triggers, and then there is " too many"?

and because you bottle up feelings and issues when sober, there is not only an explanation but basically a need to gt drunk, so that this stuff can come out and you don't need to carry it inside by yourself, yes?

this all may sound sarcastic, but it's not...just pointing out the flawed thinking there in the way you're trying to convince yourself it is too hard.

and you already know, as you say, that you could try harder. what would that look like, Madruski giving it all he/she's got?

SR , thanks for the the advice and the guidelines.

Day two is nearly over.

I can relate to your post that I also said and did offensive things when drinking. If I had been sober, I would have been able to cope with these triggers in a more diplomatic way, but all of that went out the window when drinking. Even if she does pull your strings, the judge won't care when you react and do something illegal. The choice you face to me is simple but only because I am sober and can clearly see the sober solution. But you are early in your recovery and facing a daunting illness that offers so many temporary attractions, which is making the choice difficult for you. You seem like the perfect fit for an AA meeting and working the 12 steps. I believe you need this type of immersion in sober experience to get over the hump you currently face. Good luck!

Hi everyone. iam in need of some advice on further revalations to this, hope you can help.

We spoke very well and very productivly yesterday. I told her everything about my alcohol problem. But turns out she told her parents and friends everything, and I haven't even met her dad yet. We were meant to go to a big family gathering on DEC 1st.

Although we were both very wrong that night, its my drunk verbaly abusive actions that overshadowed everything she did. Obviously she told her parents, and now its me who is the complete *******, and she believes she is skweaky clean. I believe thats not fair.

Sure its easy to say "move on, end this relationship" but the problem is that we have tickets and visas booked for a monthly holiday in Australia.

So we both have an investment in this relationship.

Personally, I don't even want to meet her family anymore, the damage is done there. Too get out of it will be very difficult. But I will have to to show iam not a coward.

So your advice , please. How to deal with her family now.

On a positive note , I haven't been drinking since that night.

If you do have any investment in this relationship, you will most likely have to become involved with her family. From my understanding, if you have made your amends to your girlfriend for your part, then you have cleaned your side of the street and owe her family nothing. Go and meet her family, stay sober and be yourself. You made a mistake like every other fallible human being. My only concern is that the trip to Australia may be a huge trigger to drink for you. But that is your choice. If you think you can do it sober, then go and have fun. If not, you are likely to continue to say and do destructive things. Good luck!

Y'know sometimes I can't dress it up...

There are a million red flags here man. This relationship is dysfunctional to the point of getting violent.

You, alcohol, and this girl are a toxic mess.

Get out, and get out now - for your sake and hers..

Take sometime out to work solely on yourself and your recovery.

D

Dee, I sense your frustration.

And you know, name one perfect relationship without red flags?

We're all human at the end of the day. This "next" attitude that we all have in our time is the reason for the crumbling attitude we have towards family and marriage.

Iam from an Eastern European background and the tradition is to not give up even If you see a "red flag" it's against our family values. A Relationship, even if not marriege is a serious and respect has to be shown to each sides of family.

Besides, the ball is in her court considering
My red flags far outweigh hers.

I spent a lot of time with myself after I got sober.

I needed to do that because 30 years of addiction left me a deeply flawed and messed up human being, with some really weird ideas on male/female relationships, and a string of really dysfunctional messed up and crazy partnerships in my wake.

I had to rebuild and repair a lot before I offered myself to anyone else because I really would have been inflicting myself on any potential partner.

so...I waited...and when I felt ready, and felt I'd matured enough, I started having real, meaningful, and healthy relationships with women.

No red flags to be seen. That, to me is, the sign of a healthy relationship.

I really don't think this is about cultures at all - this is all about alcoholism, bad behaviour and some really bad choices.

Whats worse is it looks to me like you're using your culture now to prop up your bad choices in what is a really quite damaged and possibly quite dangerous relationship? :dunno:

how did you get out of the other relationships?
D

What Dee said is so true. Ignore the red flags at your own peril. I am now two and a half years into a relationship (living together) that is going nowhere and can't get out of it without trauma to all, including her son who's a great kid.. all because when newly sober (6 months) I chose to ignore a boatload of red flags and jump into it, instead of working on myself.

Madruski,
yes, a lot of people get seriously hurt or killed because someone else didn't "give up", and "family values" can be a cover for abusive relationships in more ways than one.
it is sick.

when you find yourself focusing on whose court the ball is in, as if this were a fighting match, a competition, and focusing on a future trip instead of addressing the drinking and accompanying violence and all-round dysfunctions here, it speaks not to care and concern but to a mess of keeping score and controlling.

congratulations on being sober three days...keep going. it's the only direction that has a chance of a genuine improvement.

She is a 20 year old girl? Let her go man. Sorry so be blunt, but sounds like she needs to mature and you need to get sober before embarking on a real relationship.

Alcohol destroys relationships. It destroys marriages. Once a woman or man loses respect for you, you are toast. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

You cannot hope to build a marriage with anyone while drinking the way you describe.