New Life
 

I've posted on this forum before, Hi again.

I feel alone with my problems, I hope it's OK to post here about my problems. Not looking for help or support exactly, just want to start moving forward.

Ive got 3 days of a postgraduate degree to go, every step has been difficult. I did this degree to help myself to escape from my parent and help and support myself. I am tired and so relieved my degree is so close to finished.

I have Major Depression, was hospitalised for it in past. I live with a parent who at different times has been diagnosed with C-PTSD, Bipolar 2, and BPD. I drink to cope with my parent, who I find to be constantly confusing.

If I could get through one week without drinking, starting tomorrow, that would be great! I am really stressed out at the moment which makes me afraid I'll drink, but alcohol has just become a real problem for me. I don't enjoy it anymore, and I think it's started to give me nightmares.

Thanks

Something strange and unsettling that's happening to me a lot lately is that people keep telling me how well I look. I have been carded at the bottle shop a couple of times. Im 33 years old and getting constant compliments on how healthy and youthful I look. "Fresh faced". "Woah, I thought you were about 22 like me." I am feeling very unhealthy, alcoholic. Also a great deal of varied events have happened in my life and I no longer feel young. These compliments, I know they are well intended, but I don't understand them, I shouldn't be looking well or young. So I actually find them devalidating.

Can I say, I have a problem with secrets. My mother is a survivor of childhood attacks and is very resentful of the idea of any kind of secret, because her perpetrator made her keep the attacks secret. Sometimes I try to keep a very closely guarded secret and share it with no one. I sometimes think that if I kept a secret properly, I could keep myself safe. My secrets are really silly and childish, threadbare secrets. But I can't keep anything of consequence to myself, (like a peaceful space for example) so I keep these silly secrets.

I have been really afraid that if I keep drinking at this rate I'll lose myself permanently.

As from a person who holds prob many things from ur past is. Ur only 3 days from PHD which if was my own i would be proud and think u can do this.

ur own post makes me myself think forward and u can also.

keep going xx

Gosh, this reminds me of a film I watched as part of my town's film festival.

The film was about a former prize fighter and his new protege. At one point the fighter said to his protege, "We're only as sick as the secrets we keep."

I watched the film very early in my recovery journey. I didn't understand the importance of the statement. I didn't even think I kept secrets!

That you understand your secret-keeping and why you do it is very positive.

What would happen if you told somebody your secret? Could there be a release from it's bondage?

Hi SF, congratulations on nearly finishing your post grad degree. That take a lot of determination when you're also battling mental illness.

Why not concentrate on improving your mental health and living situation now? Try to get a regular income and move somewhere less stressful. You've done so well up until now, and you can apply that to the rest of your life.

AA provides a great support network for people in recovery. Does your college have some groups you could go to?

I found relaxation exercises like deep breathing helped me deal with stress and get rid of cravings. Others have found exercise good. Whatever way you go, remember that drinking will make your situation worse.

I'm glad you found us secretface this is a safe welcome and anonymous space.

I can imagine it's very difficult to look after a parent, look after yourself and submit a PhD - but you're not alone now :)

Read around, post as much as you like - maybe check out the October support thread - its for everyone quitting this month - all you have to do to join is post :)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-11.html

D

We're glad to have you with us, secretface. I think it'll be comforting to talk things over here.

Congratulations on finishing your degree. It's something to be so proud of.

Thank you so much for the friendly and welcoming replies!!!! Thanks for encouraging me to write here.

:thanks

:You_Rock_

You all have awesome forum member names.

I'm just in the final days of a Master's degree. My teacher has encouraged me to go on to a PhD, but it's not for me. I'm proud of what I've achieved, but PhD is for someone who wants to be a university teacher or a researcher. I just want a job that I can tolerate to support myself while I do what I really love on my time off, which is reading and writing and drawing for fun.

To anyone who wants to get degrees I would say that you can definitely do it. What it takes more than anything is having a focus on COMPLETING tasks on time no matter how imperfectly, and more than anything on PERSISTENCE. People you love will shock you by saying you can't do it, but don't listen to them. If something goes wrong just pick yourself up and keep on going, never give up. It's taken me 10 years from when I first started my undergraduate degree to finishing this one, but I've finally done it.

Usually my secrets are the only thing keeping me going. I don't think they hurt me. It's like if you kept a secret plushy toy animal in the back of your wardrobe and you took it out sometimes and told happy stories to yourself about it. That's what my secrets are like. My secrets help me keep from merging with my mother, who has no boundaries. But I have to keep them closely, because my mother is very good at ferreting out secrets, because she is afraid of boundaries.

I am definitely working right now on improving my lot. I'm doing some temporary work right now but in the new year I'm going to be looking for an entry level job in my field. I've been at home to this point partly because I have been sick myself, then because I was taking care of my mother (she is actually doing much better than ever...) and now because I am wanting to save up for an apartment. I will be saving for the most smallest and most affordable apartment on the market, everything in one room type apartment. This is a really important goal for me, because in my life, there has been little security. I want to make a secure and stable life for myself, and to know that I'll always be able to take care of myself and keep myself safe.

I'm really interested in exercise as a part of recovery. The university has set up a free gym membership for me which I've been using, but not in the past couple of weeks as I've been negotiating over assignments and deadlines. But I think I'll try and get to the gym this evening. Breathing exercises sound really interesting too.

I'm not sure that AA and group therapy is the right thing for me. I'm a very quiet person and I get really stressed out in groups of people. I think that if I didn't succeed in making things better for myself after this point, I would go to AA or a support group. But I'd like to avoid it.

:grouphug:

Welcome back and congrats on your Masters. :) I hope our support can help you get sober for good. :)

Hi and Welcome secret face.

Lots of folks here got phd's in alcoholism and drug addiction. Its taken some of us 20+ years to finish it.

Waiting for you on the october thread :)

Isn't one's mind most precious? Without clarity, isn't one lost?

Yes, breathing, exercise, and groups help.

But only a CLEAR MIND can realize: I've an addictive personality . . . I'LL ENJOY LIFE SOBER.

We weren't made to endure DEVASTATING FALSE EUPHORIA!

Congratulations and best wishes!

Vman I agree there's no education that compares to the school of experience.

I agree completely Sober'sBest the mind is precious.

Thank you least I want to be sober too.

I had a really calm day today working on my project. I had a whole lot of bits and pieces in different places, like results and tables and literature review, but now I've put them all into my final report form. It was really fun to do that because it made me see the end of my semester coming together before my eyes.

I didn't go to the gym tonight but I have stayed calm and not been drinking. I think I agree a lot with what others wrote on here, that alcohol makes things worse. It makes situations and problems seem more out of control, more unbearable, more intense than they really are.

I'm nervous tonight because tomorrow I have to work with someone who bullied me in the past. It's kind of unfortunate that this situation came to be, it's due to a series of events. I will be working with this person a lot. But it's really only for a couple of months. I want to use this as a way to show myself that I don't have to drink just because it's stressful to work with someone that I don't get along with very well.

So what u studying if its not too personal ?

Thanks for asking Vman

Basically what I'm studying is library services. But it's not just about how people use information when they're in libraries, it's about understanding how people are using information in everything they do, whether they are driving a car or making coffee. We do things like building websites, making digital libraries, designing databases, and other ways of organising information. But there are all sorts of things you can do with it, not just working in a library.

I want to work in a museum with interesting objects, and describing them properly so that people can find them in future. I like looking at weird objects, old photographs and letters, etc. that are important to history.

I've worked a lot in in customer service but I don't like being around people. I am a "people person", I'm just not very social. So I want to do something that helps people, but that I don't have to work directly with them.

I grew up around relatives with the disorders you mention and I learnt there was a big difference between secrets and privacy. I found the boundaries of the people with those disorders got them confused. Just a tip from me to make sure you consider the differences. You are entitled to privacy and don't have to share everything. Well done on your studying. Hugs to you

Private vs. Secret -- what is the difference? | Jung At Heart

Here is a good article to review between the difference in the instance you want to explore further.

Thank Belier. I think you're right and that what I'm thinking of is only privacy but I'm treating it as secret out of desperation.

"We keep something secret because we believe the cost of telling is so high that it's virtually not a choice at all."

Usually, when I'm around other people, their moods and thoughts seep into me a little. With my mother it's much more difficult. She is ranting, raging, tearful meltdowns...

I sometimes have thought of getting tattoos to remind me who I am. Sometimes when I'm with my mother I think of tattoos I've imagined on my body and it helps me remember that I'm a separate person who doesn't need to get caught up in my mother's personality.

When I'm alone it's easy to separate others from myself. Which is why I want to live alone and not with others.

I don't trust other people to be different from my mother.

I stayed in bed and read tonight. Most of the time it was OK. Sometimes I craved alcohol and imagined opportunities to drink.

I realised that I've come to treat cups of alcohol the way I treat cups of tea or coffee. It's wrong that I've treated alcohol like tea or coffee.

I'm a "drunk", a "wino", a "lush". That saddens me that I've done that to my brain. You always think that things that happen to others can't happen to you.

I actually like the idea of a Tattoo and did something very similar as a reminder to myself to observe not absorb. You sound switched on and I think getting some healthy distance and starting your own life will do wonders. I moved to another country and life has been great now not being absorbed by others. I also found once I truly understood the disorders of these people by lots of research I was able to put in really good boundaries and now feel free and stopped needing to self medicate also with drinking. Good luck to you I have a feeling you are going to do great.