I'm so lost, guys.
 

Another failed attempt at getting sober. Relapsed a few days ago and have been drunk all weekend. Sunday night has rolled around and I am shaking, heart racing, crying and have a fever. I HAVE to work tomorrow. Worse than that, I can't even see the doctor to get benzos for the comedown because I have a drug test tomorrow for a promotion. I am so lost, you guys. My life is falling apart. I don't even know what to do anymore and I feel like such a baby for posting on here every couple weeks even though I NEVER actually get my act together. I just keep doing the same ******* ******** every couple of weeks. I don't see a way out of this cycle and I am starting to get so scared. I can't afford rehab and if I go away for longer than a few days, I will surely lose my job. I drank away half of my rent money this weekend and broke my guitar and computer while I was blackout drunk for reasons unknown to me. So... I can't even pawn the only valuable stuff I had to keep a roof over my head because my genius ass decided to throw a hissy fit. I also said some horrible stuff to my room mate and didn't remember it. I missed a history test deadline because I didn't even know what day it was yesterday. I feel so hopeless. I know the emotional neediness I have right now is my dopamine having been destroyed by booze, so I apologize, but I appreciate everyone on this forum. I really need you all right now because I think most of my friends are seriously fed up with my nonsense. I don't even blame them. Good lord. But... typing this made me feel better, but I need a real solution to this. Otherwise, I am seriously going to lose everything I love and maybe even my life. If I came this far in 10 years of drinking, I can't imagine how screwed up I'll be in another 10. Thanks in advance, friends. It really means a lot to me that y'all care. Here we go again, for the LAST time. Fingers crossed.
:You_Rock_

welcome rupert

check out saturday nite live - the main fellowship in the valley

meetings everyday noon/ 6pm/ 8pm/ midnight more on weekends

lotsa young people, old timers and everyone else


https://aasanjose.org/locations/satu...ive?d=1&v=list

:tyou

Rupert,
I think you need to see your doctor first of all. At some point I realized that loosing my job, family, friends and eventually my life was inevitable if I didn't quit drinking. I had to do what ever was necessary to give it up. You need to get a plan and stick to it. You can do this my friend. Don't ever give up. I have a long way to go myself but I'm here for you.

My advice is, don't touch a drop, don't get high, and post here pretty much all the time no matter what you're feeling.

Honestly you're going to have to take your chances with your job, tests, whatever. Put getting truly sober first. Keep drinking and you'll never have nada. It obviously isn't fun anymore.

Please don't take this the wrong way Rupert. I was with you right up till the last sentence in your post when it became apparent that your plan to quit drinking is simply to quit drinking. Given the sort of drinking you describe your going to need a better plan than that.

I hear you about feeling lost. I think that a good plan would be to find yourself at an AA meeting. Here's a link. Alcoholics Anonymous : A.A. Near You

I suggest you make the call. Now

Hi Rupert,

I can understand your fear and anxiety, as I have also experienced the panic of "What have I done"? Try to take it one step at a time....start to prepare for work tomorrow....drink lot's of water, eat a good meal, and rest. You can move forward with other steps tomorrow....email your professor, make amends with roommate ect...once you get a few days under your belt of drying out....you can make your sobriety plan.

My point is....try not to look at the whole mountain...one step at a time.

Love and forgive yourself, and start to move forward.

Thank you, everyone. It really does mean a lot. I do need a real plan. I'll try AA again. I think the biggest obstacle is distancing myself from my drinking friends until I have a real grasp on sobriety. Unfortunately, that's all of my friends though.

Many of us (perhaps most) have been caught in the vicious circle you're in. Heck, I relapsed just last week and am only just starting back into my fifth day. You can make this your last day one. That's my objective. No more day ones. Read and post here as often as possible. It really does help, my friend.

Is there another program besides AA though? I like the concept but for some reason it just never clicks with me. Thanks!

You can make new friends. And some of your friends will get it. But don't worry about that now. For now, the only thing to do is put that plan into action. Commit to it.

Yes, there are other programs. Some people here will no doubt tell you about them.

I personally don't think it's the program itself that matters. It's the commitment.

Sometimes you just have to throw out whatever you have left and hunker down Rupert.

If you feel unwell, even if it's at work tomorrow see a Dr.

I think you need a better plan than the one you've been rolling on.

If you want to get your act together, work for it, especially a few days from now when you feel ok again and you think you maybe overreacted.

Think about more support - and more changes to your life - changes that better reflect your desire to get sober and stay that way.

Things may be bad - but they're not irreversible. The sooner you act the sooner you never have to feel this way again :)

If you're not sold on AA Google other meeting based approaches like SMART Recovery or LifeRing?

D

Glad you're here :)
Hang in there. :grouphug:

Here's a thought:
Start now with a basic plan. It doesn't need to be that complicated.

It's not a "try" plan though.

It's, instead of drinking, I will go to AA.
Instead of drinking, I will call AA friend/sponsor.
....... post on SR
....... go for a walk
....... journal
....... read the Big Book
....... read recovery literature
...... etc

The first thing we have to get is the point of not drinking. Period.
We have to stop, then we have to figure out how to stay stopped. There are many different ways to that, and you can tailor your plan to fit you.

In case you haven't already been hit with this link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Read around the forums. There is AVRT, Lifering, Smart, all kinds of things.
Put as much as you can in your sobriety toolbox. add and subtract as you see fit to your own needs. :)

Hi Rupert! Yes, please find outside help asap. I lost almost everything besides my life and a *occasional* brief talk or visit with 1 of my 3 children, if I go up to where he works, my other 2 children nothing.

So, if you CAN find help now, please do. I tried to find help oringally before I lost anything as well. Also I hear it works the best if you are doing it for you, but it sounds like you are trying to do it for you, so that's wonderful!, So I am, even from the beginning.

To answer your question, yes, there is one that I know of, it's called Celebrate Recovery. It's also a step recovery Fellowship, but just to let you know, yes, it is Christian based.

Good luck and hang in there.

Hi Rupert;
I in no way can give advise for YOU. All I can say is what works for me.
Journaling os vitally important.
You will have a written record of where you are coming from and how far you have come.
I wish only the best for you.
You are never alone in this fight.

LifeRing meetings in San Jose/San Francisco:

http://liferingsf.org/wp-content/upl...20Schedule.pdf

Good luck!

Hi Rupert and welcome :)

These parts of your post jumped out at me and I can relate so much. For me posting on SR daily, all day sometimes is a critical part in me getting and staying sober. Posting when I have cravings, problems, fears, anything was instrumental in me getting sober. Never be afraid to post. It's not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength that you're reaching out for help. We've all been where you are and understand, probably better than people in your 'real' life. There will always be someone around to talk you out of drinking if you post when you're thinking of it. As you say, posting makes you feel better :)

I know I've made a complete fool of myself at work over the years. I'm not saying go to rehab - I and many others never do and get sober. But if losing your job is the only thing stopping you ask yourself - what are the chances of me losing my job if I keep drinking ? Going to work drunk, hungover, reduced performance etc and it only gets worse as we get older. You seem quite young, I know when I was in my 20s drinking seemed a bit of a laugh, we all did it ( ok I seemed to drink more than anyone else and never knew when to stop but everyone else was the same weren't they?)

When I got into my 30s and everyone else was settling down, getting promoted, reducing drinking and growing up the wheels were really starting to come off my life because of my drinking and I could never get any further forward in my career.

This isn't down to luck or keeping fingers crossed.A plan, support etc are crucial. Maybe look at the October class on here for extra support and keep posting.

Good on you for having the strength to reach out for help.:You_Rock_

Sounds like you've got a pretty full plate! "Work hard, play hard" is sort of a potent recipe for burn out. One thing to consider, if your drinking has worn out your friends they might be surprisingly supportive of your recovery. You just might find out who your real friends are.

Don't feel ashamed. Keep us posted on your progress. You aren't alone. In fact, I just blew 5days of sobriety with back to back nights of getting blackout drunk. I'm kind of amazed I didn't wake up to a pile of broken guitars myself!

Good luck!

Hello Rupert,
You done the right thing posting here.
Lots of support on this site, this site helped me stay sober 3 1/2 months. And i think the next time will be the one. We all get knocked down sometimes, sometimes we get up and sometimes we move forward on all 4's. Dont give UP ! Helping others helps too. See ya soon.

Rupert, I feel for you! That's no way to live...

Since you asked about alternatives to AA I'm just going to add that I use SMART Recovery and it's been wonderful for me. I just looked and you're lucky enough to live in a large enough metropolitan area for you to have a variety of meetings to choose from. Look it up and give it a try! The people are very welcoming!

Good luck and I know about that "needy" feeling. It really sucks. It will get better once you are off of the booze a bit. I'm on Day 5 after a relapse and am just beginning to shake it off. Take care, Rupert!

Glad your with us brother