Great, been invited to a party...
 

I say great sarcastically. A friend and co-worker has invited me to his birthday celebration at a night club. Bars and liquor establishments aren't triggers for me as I drank alone. However I also have severe social anxiety and this isn't my kind of thing at all!! I have no issues going to a bar and ordering a coke, that's easy. A night club is different. Hard for me to know what to tell him. The truth is what I'm thinking. But it's awkward. He'll probably say come anyway...

I was invited to the party tonight I have coworker and I went. I literally walked in the door and she asked "Have you ever played (something) cards? It's a drinking game." My first thought was oh my god get me out of here but I think sometimes leaving makes it more awkward than just getting through it. I drank soda for 90 minutes. It also forced to meet out myself as a nondrinker and she seemed genuinely shocked. On a sidenote, at the end of the 90 minutes nobody was drunk in the slightest. How non-alcoholics spread a beer out over 90 minutes will continue to be a huge mystery to me.

It was a looooong 90 minutes but I lived. I've been sober for over two years so stuff like this isn't hard for me it's just annoying as hell. I truly believe some events are strictly for drinkers. But for my situation tonight. I was stuck and didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

Come to think of it I was actually invited to somebody's birthday tonight at a dance club where people were drinking. And I turned it down. I simply have zero interest in going to bars anymore. I find sitting at a table and talking for two hours about nothing in particular the most boring thing in the whole world.

It is a battle. I say no to most invitations. There is just not an easy way to do this.

How about telling him, you forgot it's someone's birthday and you need to go see them, or you would have loved to go? Failing that, a sudden dose of flu or if you do go, go late so that you can order a soft drink - you're 'really thirsty and will have a drink later' type thing. By 'later' they'll all be too squiffy to notice what you're drinking ;)

Just say you can't make it if you don't want to go don't over think this bud

Hi I have something similar coming up and in a quandary about it . The organiser of a restaurant do with my wife side of the family is 25 years sober and I think I will go on the strength of her presence ( if that makes sense ) .

My social anxiety would simply require me to say: I do hope you have a wonderful birthday, but I don't go to night clubs.

You see, I too, drank in private and one of my big triggers is being forced to attend a public event. I'd make it through the event, but I'd be passed out drunk within 2 hours of getting home.

Wishing a friend a public and timely Happy Birthday isn't worth risking my sobriety. Good luck with your decision.

It is a very personal thing. Initially I said no to most invitations, though I was lucky to get them. When drinking the only invitation I got was an invitation to leave. I have even been thanked for not coming.

Then I tried non alcohol events with drinking buddies - disaster, there was no vibe at all. The drinkers had trouble relaxing without booze.

Then my social circle began to change along with the key interests. I.e. booze was no longer the central reason for the event, though some people might have a drink. Now I rarely say no to an invitation, but I do look for something useful I can contribute. I follow the AA suggestion of trying to increase the pleasure of others and that seems to reflect back on how I am feeling.

I was gradually wthdrawing from life with my drinking, why should I continue to withdraw just because some of my friends drink? I don't think I should and I am glad I am able to participate in a normal social life.

Yep! That's exactly what I did as well - got through the 'event' and then made up for it when I got home.

I would pass on this one.

I forget if you've said on another thread how long you've been sober. For me, I gradually started adding one on one socializing as I had the energy. It also felt "smartest" as well as the most enjoyable. I started reaching out to friends for lunches and dinners, or afternoon coffees, around 75-90 days, after that my social life took a big uptick.

IMO, a simple no without much explanation is ok - sometimes hard to do because we feel a compulsion to "explain" - we truly don't need to do this. My first sponsor always says "no, and your feet are answer enough." Obviously, we should be polite.

I also believe that excuses are a-ok early on, especially. Another commitment, I have an early commitment (outside the office since this is a co-worker), I'd love to join another time....whatever. The most important thing is to stay sober- and I believe in not pushing ourselves to socially engage too soon. Learning to listen to our gut- and erring on the side of caution- has been my guide in 6mo.

Good luck - and remember, your friend will have others there to celebrate with, so realistically your absence (as just one single person) won't be a big deal.

If it's something that I actually WANT to go to, or it will cause problems to not attend, I usually say I'm really looking forward to it, but that it will need to be an early finish for me as I have a prior commitment which means I can't drink and I need to leave early. Mostly people aren't really that interested in the whys and wherefores. They just want lots of people there.

Go if you WANT to. Chat etc while others are sober enough to be interesting, and have a watertight escape plan.

In my 20's I liked bars and clubs because I was single and didn't want to be alone (also I had no drinking problem).
But now I can't stand them. People's loud, aggressive behavior alarms me and...well, lot's more. Also, I've worked in many, and people don't know how grotty most of them really are. I think if someone invited me I'd just say "no disrespect, but I just don't like bars or clubs anymore."

Just wanted to thank you for your post, NotLuke. Saying "I don't go to night clubs" can mean anything. It doesn't even have to imply "I don't drink." Many of us simply "outgrew" them because the general atmosphere has become tedious, predictable.... even downright annoying.

I went to a wedding yesterday, the ceremony and reception were at the same place. And it was going to be a big drunkfest. I watched the ceremony, gave the new wedded couple a hug...and left. Totally fine with it. Not sure if that helps you.

I am fortunate that I am passed the age of going out to bars/clubs, most of my drinking was at home or a family/work activity. For the first few months I avoided some of these situations. I have now found I am able to be around others who are drinking and I am able to just enjoy the conversation with friends and family. I also do not feel in the least bit guilty if I do not attend a function.

Lying isn't a good idea, and few are going to believe you have a prior engagement you completely forgot about and likely take it personal. If they do believe it, then you're just postponing the truth to another date. Most people lied enough when they were drinking, so why do it in sobriety?

I've started turning down invitations to places that the only thing to do is drink. Like small bars, night clubs. I'm ok if it's a dinner place or music venue (something ELSE to do) but it's way harder if you are essentially trapped in a box with lights and people drinking. Whatever you do make a plan!

I had no problem turning down invitations to events in which I could not drink the way I wanted to drink while I was drinking, and I didn't care much at all about how this affected the people involved. In fact, I became notorious for missing a lot of events that today I wouldn't think of missing. I essentially lowered other people's expectations about me, which was not limited to missing events that were more or less important to them. Today, and ever since I got sober, I just don't go to events that I don't want to attend, whether alcohol is being served or not. As is likely true of most people, I don't generally miss events just because they're inconvenient for me, and when I know the person/people involved.

I've been training with a group of people for more than two years, and they often get together on weekends, especially during the summer. There's a subgroup of generally younger and singler people who like to go out and drink together every now and then. A couple of them drink heavily when they go out, but I've seen no evidence that they have a problem. Fine with work and relationships, and they more than keep up with the training.

Anyway, without neon signs, fireworks, or a mic-equipped podium, I let them know early on that I'm not available for their nights of a thousand drinks, and I've missed a couple of events that did not feature drinking that I just didn't want to go to. (Many have children, and the events were tailored to their kids. In most cases, I don't like being around children for more than a short time, and I'm not the kind of person who pretends to like children so that people will like me for it.) They still invite me, but no one's aggressive about it, and no one's defriended me IRL because I've declined.

I honestly don't know when it became mandatory, some sort of unwritten obligation, to be somewhere or attend any event that we'd rather skip.

"In most cases, I don't like being around children for more than a short time, and I'm not the kind of person who pretends to like children so that people will like me for it."

AMEN TO THAT MY FRIEND! LOL!

I have realized recently also that I have no interest in attending events where the goal is to drink heavily for others.

Don't attend if you don't feel comfortable. My relapse after 17 great months was due to a change of events. Work rented a limo to go to a haunted walk through for Halloween. I was fine because the goal was the event. We had a weird three days of rain so the walk through was cancelled. I was going to back out and was told not to because they had something even better planned. I should have asked what because I would have felt comfortable telling the person planning why I needed to know but I didn't. It was driving around the limo bar hopping. That was the end of 17 months of greatness in my life. The AV won.

No one is going to walk away from your friendship for not attending an event. If they do are they really a friend?

What I now offer is to go to lunch or dinner with the person on our own to make up for missing out. Then there's never a push back on why I should attend.

I don't like nightclubs because they are loud and I don't find that I connect with people well. There was a time in my life when I liked going out dancing but I don't really like it anymore. I'm finding myself wondering though if dancing would be fun again someday.

Anyway even when I was drinking I would tell people I don't like nightclubs but I do like them, the person who invited me. Point being if someone invites me it's because they like me and think they would enjoy my company and I want to make sure they know that I'm rejecting the night club and not their company. People are understanding and if they aren't it's because they don't want my company, they just want to party and are looking for someone to reinforce the activity.

There's nothing wrong with saying "you might find this hard to believe lol but I have social anxiety and I also don't drink so nightclubs aren't really my scene. I'm really glad you invited me because I'd love to hang out sometime but believe me you don't want to see me in a nightclub!" It's true, you're not lying, and you're not rejecting them. You could, if you want, invite them to a different, less triggering (of social anxiety and of drinking) activity and see if they are down.

Best to find out now if they are looking for a collection of people to party with or real actual friends.

BBQ this afternoon. I have two cold Coke Zeros in the cooler. Im going to sit down and pretend its perfectly normal.

Drank my cokes and tried to smile at all the right jokes. Didnt feel quite right at the BBQ but feel way better now. Nice to be able to drive home safe and have a good night sleep.

Soberwoilf is right - noones owed an essay on this.
'I can't go, sorry' is enough.

I used to feel very self con scious about turning down invites or not drinking...It was a while before I learned that noones owed a long story about me and my alcoholism.

Not only that, but most peoples eyes glazed over - they're just not that interested or invested in me and struggles....

D

Thanks guys. I'm not going to go into any kind of long winded discussion. However I am thinking of telling him the truth. Just short and sweet, one sentence.

You know the stigma of alcoholism tho...once that 'A-word genie' is out of the bottle you won't get it back in Smilax.

If this guy is a co worker I'd want him to be VERY VERY trustworthy before I shared that info.

D

What sentence were you think of?

That's true. However I didn't say the A word. I said I stopped drinking and was drinking too much, didn't think a night club was a good location and also that I didn't do nightclubs anyway much. Then just proceeded to ask how he was doing. He hasn't replied yet. In truth I don't like this job anyway lol. However I'm good at it and my manager hand picked me and relies on me so I don't think I would get on trouble. I'm friends with all the people there including my manager. It's an extremely laid back work environment. Although my manager is an insane micromanager who is extremely stressful to work with. She doesn't really realise it and stems from her own anxiety, frankly it was a trigger for my drinking.

When I went out Saturday night and several people asked to buy me drinks I told them I am not drinking anymore. They asked why and I said it just doesn't fit in with my personal and professional goals and I was wasting too much time on it. They were all pretty receptive which surprised me. I think people who make that decision and have enough insight to make that type of change are brave, and if other people don't like it well F---- them. I've actually been getting mad because I've been noticing how many commercials and ads there are for alcohol. It's so annoying.

The title of this thread is ringing true in my life. More phone calls today. More invites out. More and more ways im going have to figure out what i can do and what i cant. Im going to get fat drinking all this Coke but i need to have something to drink while sitting there. I said no to a couple invites but my excuses were flimsy.