Higher Power Hide and Seek
 

I am still, 97 days into recovery stuck at step one. Where do I find this higher power?

1. The fellowship: It is nor really working for me. Listening to the same ostensibly funny stories of the same people sharing their experiences from their drunk days is not all that uplifting.

2. Science: As is evident from my SR name I am a great admirer of Charles Darwin and the theory of natural selection. Likewise Isaac Newton and Lawrence Krauss. But I do not think the third law of thermo-dynamics will become my higher power.

3. The Universe: This is a real possibility. There is so much of it, it keeps expanding and one day it will implode on itself and disappear. Striking thought. Yet, I am also part of this universe, I was stardust before I was born, still am and will be after my death. I can not be my own higher power. That is illogical.

4. My Ancestors: I live in Africa. Ancestors are worshipped with love and respect. I can relate to that. My late grandmother was the best person I have ever known and will ever know. Perhaps she can be my higher power.

The search continues. At least I have no desire to drink. If I remain like the proverbial lab rat rotating in step one for the rest I my life it will be fine as long as that continuum is sobriety.

I worked those steps and lost my desire and obsession to drink. Proof enough that something wants me alive (not me) and something is more powerful than I. Simple. I don't define it. Something wants me alive. Beautiful.

I would try not to over-think or over-complicate things!

Keep moving forward and keep staying stopped!

Congratulations on 97 sober days!!!

I like what you said about your grandmother.
She was and is what sounds like a lovely, kind,
caring, respectful women, lady, relative you'd
like to pattern your own life after.

I was raised and educated Catholic and
thus have Faith carried into my everyday
life. Entering recovery 26 yrs ago, I had to
listen, learn, absorb and apply all that was
and still is being taught to me thru AA and
all those who have lived a successful sober
life paving the way for me to continue to
follow.

It is thru their actions of kindness, generosity,
patience, caring, understanding, commitment,
responsibility in their own recovery life that
I have chosen to live my recovery life after.

Im in my late 50's so what I have learned
over the yrs and as a child to respect your
elders remains true all to the best of my
human sober ability. Times have changed
over the yrs and I see so many disrespect
others, elders, teachers, etc. that it saddens
me.

I try to treat others as Id want to be
treated and not too many follow that
teaching. Sooooo, if you find what you
want and like in your grandmother by
all means use it to your own advantage
to pattern the way you want to live your
own life after.

She lives within your heart and no one
can ever take that away from you. She
is that close to guiding you on your recovery
journey paving the way for you to remain
true to yourself and live with kindness
and care, respect towards yourself and
others.

She can be your HP as you grow and
strengthen your own spirituality in
recovery which will lead you to a Higher
Power of you own understanding that
also guided her thru her own life.

Your HP lives within your heart, mind
and soul everyday. :)

A higher power is like the wind. You know it is there because you can see evidence of it all around you. You can thrash around try to catch the wind, define the wind but the wind simply "IS."

The more I try to define my higher power the farther away it gets The more I see the manifestations of my higher power and just accept that it is there the more I feel it's power.

This post is a manifestation of that power. Two random people talking. I don't know if I have helped you but you have helped me

Congrats on day 97

imo, i dont think youre stuck on step1, which doesnt have anything to do with finding a higher power. that STARTS at step 2.
CAME to believe in a power greater than us could restore us to sanity.
have you read the chapter "we agnostics?"

We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. "Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?" As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built.


CAME to believe
by working tbe next 10 steps.

That universe? Have you tried stopping the sun from rising? Have you yelled at the rain and demanded it stop? What are the results from such an experiment? Of course there is a power greater than you. All it took for me was to admit I didn't have all the answers and I could not control much of anything at all in this life outside of my own behavior and thoughts, and that was enough to give me the humility to accept defeat from alcohol and my delusional thinking on many things.

Hm. Humility. There it is again.

I have a higher power who I call "not me". I was taught that all I have to do is seek a higher power and my life would change. Indeed it has.

Glad you are here.

It is clear that the 12 steps have worked for other members of Alcoholics Anonymous. Why don't you just try to work the steps and they will help you to have a complete psychic change and you will find a higher power of your own conception.

I started with similar complicated questions too, but somehow got the clue that I didn't have to figure it all out. I went on blind faith at first that "something" would help me and so I asked "it" for help although I didn't know what "it" was.

I also liked and used the wind analogy--I couldn't see "it" but saw its effects in my life.

In Step 2 it says "came to believe", and that's what happened for me. I didn't really believe right away that there was really anything there or that it could actually even help me; it was something that I came to and it happened gradually as I moved on working through the steps.

Sounds like you are talking more about fate biminiblue. That is a bit too nihilistic even for me. I have always relied on reason and would like to find reason in steps 2 and 3 too.

Hi Darwinia,

I have never looked at AA before and it s still early days for me to quit alcohol, but when I did quit drugs a few years ago, after a few months I just started feeling more connected with things around me.

Hard to explain it and as hippy as it sounds the trees and everything in nature kind of felt alive, I felt closer to people, felt things were always moving on my favour.

As I progress through quitting alcohol this time around I see the same feeling resurfacing, so I guess I'll join the crowd of the mysterious, invisible but present higher power.

If you like your science then physics is able to justify it if you push quantum entanglement to the limit, a bit geeky for this forum but maybe something to think about!

By the way very well done on 97 days, this is a number I am aiming for as it is the longest I've ever stayed sober (back when I quit drugs).

P

If you are looking for something that is logical and makes sense you are not going to find it. Just like alcoholism it doesn't make sense. Why I can't drink like other people I have no idea but that does not make it less true

Thanks PL, can't say I feel more connected. Perhaps that will still come. Social interaction is hard work. I do want to work the steps and do everything else available to ensure my best chance at long term sobriety. It is just difficult when ai find no logic in a concept.

No. Fate and control are two totally different things.

Do you not believe that there is a higher part of you that wants what is good for you? Do you not believe that all of us have choices to make and those choices influence our future and/or the way we interact with the world? Or do you believe that you can do anything at all and somehow "fix" it later? That you already see the future and can predict with 100% accuracy what is going to happen?

I am not sure I follow you biminiblue. If we all have choices, then where is the higher power. Obviously I do not predict the future, my original question has nothing to do with that, my question is to find a higher power because the steps demand that. That higher power apparently will influence my psyche, so obviously it can't be a tree or gravity. It has to be something that I believe will guide me in this quest for permanent recovery.

Just ask for it to show itself.

Higher Power does not take away free will. Higher Power is that part of all of us (we are born with it) which leads us to life, to love, to joy, to peace.

Gravity and that 300 year old tree are definitely more powerful than I am. I cannot will myself to be free of gravity any more than I can will myself to live 300 years. :dunno:

Have you thought about posting these Step related questions in the 12 Step forum? I don't go to AA, but I do have a Higher Power/God.

Seek a higher power - that is what is required. I'm not a religious person - so for a long time I made AA that higher power itself. The fellowship of the group coming together gave me strength, hence, for a long time it was my higher power. AA is a power higher than mine as a group - and yes this really did work for me. You need to reframe what is meant as higher power. If you finish the sentence - it is sought a higher power as I understand it. Now I am more of a universe person - as in the laws of physics and the universe are a far greater power than me. I say prayers, but they are ones I throw up for my husband and kids, for health, for luck, for whatever. I like to believe they are heard. I also like to believe that my past relatives are looking over me.

i was driving home from an oncoligist appt in december 2006 , where he had told me the cancer was spreading rapidly and the next step was a very serious chemo. i stopped at a gas station along the expressway to gas up. leaning against my car, i looked across the expressway where there was a huge maple tree with a perfect canopy.
of course at tbe time it was leafless. something occured to me:
i could see a LOT of the branches. i KNEW they were there. yet, come summertime, when the leaves filled the tree, i couldnt see the branches, yet i knew those branches were holding them leaves there.

Hi Darwinia,

If you're committed to the 12-step approach, there are some resources out there on this question. One that I found helpful was "A Skeptic's Guide to the 12 Steps" by Philip Z. (I have no financial interest in it, just found it helpful). Kevin Griffin also has a number of very helpful books about Buddhism and the 12 steps which are not particularly religious, but have a long discussion about how one can conceive of higher powers. "A Burning Desire - Dharma God" is one of them.

In my experience, there is a rational path through the 12 steps if one is so inclined.

It made little difference what or who my HP was when I started as it continues to evolve. Anecdotally, I will say I don't know anyone with at least a few years of sobriety whose HP is doorknob.

If you can't decide, you can borrow mine until you find one that's suitable. The God of my (mis)understanding leads me to the great reality inside each of us.

You're comments reminded me of this story;

When I was young, my Grandmother, my spiritual guide, would often tell just such a story, not only to entertain but to convey the essential truths of living. Perhaps I had asked her, as revered teachers in every religion have been asked, “What happens in the spiritual life? What are we supposed to do?”

The story of the elephant sculptor

In ancient India lived a sculptor renowned for his life-sized statues of elephants. With trunks curled high, tusks thrust forward, thick legs trampling the earth, these carved beasts seemed to trumpet to the sky. One day, a king came to see these magnificent works and to commission statuary for his palace. Struck with wonder, he asked the sculptor, “What is the secret of your artistry?”
The sculptor quietly took his measure of the monarch and replied, “Great king, when with the aid of many men I quarry a gigantic piece of granite from the banks of the river, I have it set here in my courtyard. For a long time I do nothing but observe this block of stone and study it from every angle. I focus all my concentration on this task and won’t allow anything or anybody to disturb me. At first, I see nothing but a huge and shapeless rock sitting there, meaningless, indifferent to my purposes, utterly out of place. It seems faintly resentful at having been dragged from its cool place by the rushing waters. Then, slowly, very slowly, I begin to notice something in the substance of the rock. I feel a presentiment…an outline, scarcely discernible, shows itself to me, though others, I suspect, would perceive nothing. I watch with an open eye and a joyous, eager heart. The outline grows stronger. Oh, yes, I can see it! An elephant is stirring in there!
“Only then do I start to work. For days flowing into weeks I use my chisel and mallet, always clinging to my sense of that outline, which grows ever stronger. How the big fellow strains! How he yearns to be out! How he wants to live! It seems so clear now, for I know the one thing I must do: with an utter singleness of purpose, I must chip away every last bit of stone that is not elephant. What then remains will be, must be, elephant.”


Finally, my experience is that my HP found me ultimately. :)

Thank you tursiops. Very helpful. I will certainly look at that.

Hmm, what's the irrational path?? :)

Great anecdote Fly. Perhaps I should just wait. Patience is an elusive virtue I would do well to aquire.

Agreed.....the flip side is procrastination and sloth, for me.

Best of luck to all of us on our continuing journeys ........

I remember wondering and wondering and questioning and questioning.

One day as I drove to work along a big stretch of road the sun came up. Just enough to turn what had been darkness to half light. I could suddenly see what had been there all the time. And for some reason at that moment the question occurred to me, " what makes YOU think that, out of the entire human race, for all time, that YOU will be the one to figure this conundrum out to any degree of certainty? There is stuff there that YOU CAN'T SEE!" So, my HP for the sake of AA and my step work became, at that point anyway, 'The great unknown ' (or I suppose, my final willingness to accept some degree of humility, in that, maybe I just don't know stuff, so other people might be able to help me. This might seem obvious to you mere mortals, but as a super-sonic-thinker, I'd always presumed I'd been born knowing everything. That was a massive turning point for me as I became teachable, which I don't think I had been up to that point).

One lady I know says that her HP is her conscience. That little voice inside that she'd ignored for decades. Other people have Nature or The Bigger Picture (ie the whole story, beyond ourselves and what we can't understand or know).

Why not ask some of the people in your home group what their HP is like and how they decided on one? It's a great way to get to know people better. I take it that you've had this conversation with your sponsor.

The other thing that might help would be reading and rereading Step 2 from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book.
https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&so...xneYdudOVBPLRQ

Also, there are some great threads and links on the 12-step area under step 2 which might help. Sorry if you've already been there and read those, but ut took me a little while to find those sub-groups so I never presume that others have found them... Step 2 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

There are also lots of AA speaker recordings that discuss Step 2 which could be useful to explore... AA Step 2 Speaker Tapes | RecoveryAudio.org

Wishing you all the best for your recovery and your search for your HP.

I have been reading this post. Last week at AA we had a discussion about the "higher power" vs. God thing. Yes AA is spiritual, not religious. Some people self define their higher power of "god of their understanding". Atheists are as welcome as anybody. I just want to make sure.........I do believe in God. I believe that when I pray, He listens....doesn't always act, but listens. So relative to Step 2, am I OK with my "higher power" being God?

I sure hope so.

Yes.
But lots of other people's will be different to yours. Some will be the same, and that's fine. It's all fine, except for if we thinkWE are the HP.

Early in recovery I wrestled mightily with this concept.

I felt better (if slightly bemused) when a man with over 20 years clean whom I respected immensely told me that it took him 8 years to come to a real solid understanding of his HP.

The power of my understanding is multifaceted, and a bit hard to pin down entirely. The idea that this power can restore me to sanity gives me a clue.

A part of it is the fellowship. Not everything you hear at a meeting is of recovery. (Not everyone there, clean/sober or not, is engaging in recovery either). However, when I listen, I always hear the message somewhere. I can identify with others, I am reassured that I am not the only one who thinks and feels like I do, and I am given hope that I can change via the examples of a others. - "The fellowship" certainly does not end at meeting's end. I have a small group of people whom I respect and who have my best interests at heart that I talk to.

A large part of the power of my understanding is the process of recovery itself and the 12 steps of NA/AA. Meetings aren't the process of recovery. Stories about our past aren't recovery. The steps are. A new way of life is. Not in a cult-like manner, but in a fundamental shift in how I behave and how I perceive and respond to life and to my thoughts and emotions. More than anything else, that ongoing process makes up the bulk of the power of my understanding, but the other facets aren't merely adjuncts.

I used to abhor the acronym "G.ood O.rderly D.irection, but as it turns out, it is an apt descriptor of a part of the power of my understanding. Sometimes it comes from a random person in the fellowship, sometimes from one (or more!) of that group of peers, and often from my sponsor. A good deal of time the NA literature speaks to me and I find my guidance there. - Many times "the message" is all around me and can be verbalized by someone at work or a friend outside of recovery.

I've also found that spiritual principles (or if you prefer, ethical principles) are an important part of the power of my understanding. "humbly asking" the power of my understanding to remove my shortcoming of excessive and wrathful anger often ends up with me being honest about why I am angry and what my part of it is, as well as practicing compassion, empathy, patience, tolerance, and acceptance. - Recovery isn't magical.

There is also that part of the power greater than myself that lives within me. The voice of my conscience and the mindset of the ideal self that I strive to be speak to me a lot. Listening to that voice and following that direction when I don't want to produces good results.

I have a pretty accurate litmus test for differentiating between the will of the power of my understanding and "my will". - If it is good for me in the long run (even if it doesn't feel good in the moment), and if it makes it more likely for me to be able to look in the mirror and to sleep at night, it's a good chance it's "gods will". If it will tend to make me feel bad in the long run, (but will probably feel great in the moment), if it will cause damage to me and those around me, and if it will make it harder for me to look in the mirror and to sleep at night, it's probably "self will". Running it by my sponsor and the group of people that I trust makes sure that I'm not steeped in self deception (which I excel at).

The interesting thing is my "god" tends to work much like the god of my friends in recovery. The fact that they believe that there is someone or something behind the veil directing the show, (pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!) and I don't think there is any sentient force pulling the levers makes no difference. The result in our lives is the same.

You have lots of time to figure this out for yourself. Good chance you'll refine it over time.

I really struggled with this as well. I was going to figure out the higher power and then work the steps. At around 3 months I just gave up and started working the steps with no clear definition of my higher power. That was 2 years ago and I have not had any inclination to drink whatsoever. Living like this is truly the "softer, easier way". And guess what. I still don't have a clear definition of my higher power.

Also, as far as number 1 goes, if the people at your meetings are just telling drunk stories have you considered trying some other meetings? I had to try several different ones before I found a good recovery focused one.