Feeling devastated and hopeless
 

I have been to this forum in the past and have posted myself. I was actually reading my posts from a few years back and am shocked that I've made no progress.

This past weekend everything fell apart for me. I lost the love of my life for good and put my living situation in jeopardy by having a big, loud party the following night.

I'm now sitting here on Monday trying to figure out how everything went so wrong. I don't have a time machine so I cannot change what has happened. My drinking and partying has gotten completely out of hand and has now ruined everything I care about. My anxiety is at an all time high and my heart is completely broken. I'm going to go to my first meeting tonight. I'm just so desperate and alone and in need of help.

Hi Mikah.

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad....and alone....we know that feeling and understand. Have you really ruined everything, indeed? I don't think so. There is always hope, friend. Don't give up and never give in...You are really not as alone as you feel.

Micah, these moments are hard, we've all been there. It will get better. Starting with meetings is a great first step. Keep posting on SR and stay committed.

I don't have a time machine so I cannot change what has happened.

none of us do. but we all have the gift of TODAY to start to put everything to rights. and we do that by quitting and staying quit. excellent choice to get to a meeting. and to reach out here. you CAN do this.

I just can't wrap my head around what I've done. I promised her last weekend that there would be no nonsense from me and that I've changed and I fully believed this. Then I end up drinking again on her birthday and leaving her in the middle of the night to party. It's not me. It's like someone else took control of me and becomes this monster. I hate that person. So does she. I'm convinced now she will never talk to me again and my heart is just hurting so much. I know I have to get better for myself but now I'm here I am completely alone again and I did it to myself. I just want to feel happy again.

It's awful that we have to hit bottom so hard before we wake up. We have all been there. But as others have said there is always hope but its going to take action and not words to show yourself and others that you are ready to reclaim the person you want to be. You can do this.

Thank you. I really appreciate these words of encouragement. I really need this. It feels so hopeless at the moment and I never want to be in this place again. This thing always creeps up and rears itself and gets worse at the exact time when everything seems to be better. I knocked down but this is the lowest I've ever been as a result. I know it probably doesn't even sound like a big deal but I feel like the wind has been knocked out. Like a bomb went off and no one realizes it but me. I'm not a victim, I just want my life back.

Mikah, it sounds like you're guessing she'll never talk to you again. Maybe your wrong on that. But, stopping drinking will increase your odds of her taking to you. You really need to do that to get your life in order. Maybe it works out with her, maybe it doesn't. Drinking certainly won't make it better.

Hi Milan get plan going & don't look back were here you won't be doing this alone

no more drinking it's not good for people like us :grouphug:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Hi Mikah,

Use this dark place as a motivation for dealing with this, take drinking out the equation and start loving yourself first, then you'll have enough inside you to share with her or someone else.

We're all here to help.

P

It's not looking good and I don't blame her. I built up her trust again only to throw it away a few days later. I get so mad that i have this problem. She was telling me what a great person I am except when I go out and drink. She hates that person and so do I. I just wish I could've quit before I completely ruined any trust that she had in me. I wanted so badly for her to see the real me but drinking killed this. Now that's all she'll remember me by. That makes me so sad.

I don't drink everyday but I binge/blackout get out of control and then leave a path of destruction behind where I have to pick up the pieces I broke. I just wish she wasn't part of those pieces especially as we were really reconnecting. It's like a big cruel joke. I know I have to be okay with being alone, working on myself ect. This makes sense intellectualy just not emotionally. I feel really hurt and sad and hate myself for what I've done. I appreciate the support.

Welcome back. I also wish I had a time machine. I thought I had lost my best friend, a man I have also had an on-again off-again relationship with for several years. in December of 2014, I was positive he'd never talk to me again. But he did. Because I got sober, changed my life, and kept my promises. I'm not saying that will happen with you and your girlfriend, but the best chance of making it happen is if you do what I did. Get to meetings. Make a plan. Get support wherever you can. You can do it.

I appreciate that. Yes, I want to get better and have a strong desire to change my life around. My track record doesn't really reflect that. I hope this is the time as this definitely feels like my rock bottom. I don't want to lose anymore and am hanging on by the smallest thread. It just all feels so overwhelming.

I also am paralysed by fear from what I did this weekend that I can hardly bring myself to go back to my own building after the party i had there. I feel like my whole building hates me and I'm back to square one trying to repair relations with all my neighbors. It's like the ultimate two steps forward five steps back for me. Every time. For years and years. The self loathing is consuming me.

We've all done stuff we wish we hadn't. Try to get past the self loathing, it isn't doing you or anyone else any good. It may take time to re-build those relationships but they can be rebuilt. I know it's taking me time and I know I can't rush that. But it's your actions (not drinking) which will do the building.

Hi Mikah,

Welcome back!! I also joined SR in 2012, and it took me until this year to finally get it right. I am 7.5 months sober, and I promise you it is possible, and it is worth it.

I'm glad you are going to a meeting. The link that Soberwolf posted is a great one, read through and see what will work for you. The first few days and weeks I planned out every minute of the time I would be drinking. I exercised, read, took my kids to the park, binge watched a few series on Netflix, and every time the thought of drinking popped into my head I logged on here.

You can't change what happened this weekend, but you can make different decisions moving forward. I know it is difficult the first few weeks, but I promise you it is worth it.

You can do this Mikah!!!

❤️ Delilah

I lost so much man with booze there was never gonna be a party with it again. Then, when I knew it was time to stop and couldn't I knew I was in big trouble. We must draw a line with what is lost and we must look to build a new.

I'm just having a really hard time. All aspects of my life have been affected by this thing and now love. I feel like I lost my love because of this. I don't know but this seems like most devasting consequence in hurting that which you really love. It makes no sense and now I'm just left with pure pain. I'm so tired of quitting over and over. I will now take action as there is really no other option for me. I appreciate you guys listen. It's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel today.

Having a blue Monday ? You can make it.... I feel a bit Grrr today... Don't know why...

Mikah, it seems overwhelming right now, but you can get through this. I was shocked by the person I became when I drank too, and so was my family. :( My advice to you is that you need to learn to like and love yourself. Then you will be the person you want to be. Alcoholism robs us of self-love. But, you are at a place where you make a change, right now, today, if you want to.