Day #2
 

Nothing bad has taken place aside from the nagging voice stating " You're an alcoholic!" Its detrimental to my well being. Alcohol.
With abstinence, the voice then turns into thinking about recovery constantly and not really being able to live a life that doesn't revolve around thinking how I will abstain. This doesn't seem balanced to me? I want so much to not deal with this discomfort and the extremes that are involved with sobriety or with alcohol. Just to have an existence that does not walk on the edge. A life of balance. I know balance will not be with Alcohol and I accept this. Acceptance has not prompted change. Why can't I just walk away and think nothing more of it? Remove that painful relationship and move on. Its abusive nature is enough to make any sane person run and never look back. This lesson is hard learned if I am learning anything at all? Its questionable.

I have been sober on and off many times. The times I got sober were due to extremes. The times I ended sobriety were due to extremes. I can not blame anyone but myself and the coping skills that I have resorted too. Therapy, AA, this forum, books, journals etc. I am not sure why I choose to continually hurt myself? I always come back to the thoughts, "This is not working. You are an Alcoholic. This hurts too much!" I don't stop though. I don't fight too hard. I just keep swimming in a loop of thoughts that drag down my being. Thoughts that stop the light within from shining brightly.

I long to be one of those inspiring people that got their **** together and moved mountains with their strength and determination. I want so much more in terms of esteem and self worth. Self Care. I can pledge to stop and then there I am back in the loop of self destruction again. I can promise a lot. Somehow, someway this has got to stop. It has always needed to stop.

There is going to be so much that everyone has to say about how to get and remain sober. I will not talk with anyone in person about this. I take comfort in knowing that I am a fake name on a forum. I may start therapy soon to work out all the **** that has taken place in the last 2 years. I know I am grieving over the loss of my sister and the loss of a relationship that was beyond repair. This is not the reason that I drink. I dont have a reason other than being an alcoholic. Being an alcoholic is not even a reason to drink. I do need help with this though. I think I am at a loss. Its not beyond repair. I just need to get over this mountain.

Day #2

Great job on day 2 Mizzuno

Well first, good job on getting to day #2! I'm there as well and a lot of what you described reminded me of myself. The not wanting to talk with others regarding my alcoholism but still willing to work on recovery.

But, with that thinking I've come to believe there is a small piece of me who is in denial that I am an alcoholic. That's why I won't speak about it publicly, cause than people would know and I would be held accountable for my drinking. Same reason I wouldn't take my anti-depressant medication. Pssh, I don't need that stuff! I'm not depressed! I'm normal enough to push through this by myself.. Why should I reach out for help as I should be stronger than this, this mental disease. Would I have felt that way if I had cancer? Probably not.

So, this is just my thinking, but I wonder if you can relate to it at all. I'm seeing my therapist in an hour and I'm taking my meds. I've relinquished all control to my dr and therapist. It was hard to do but it's starting to work now.

I hope you can continue to get all the help you can for yourself as this disease sucks and it's hard to beat alone.

Take care and congratulations on day 2, I'm right there with you bud. :hug:

I do relate for the most part. I am not in denial as much as I am tired of talking with my loved ones about the thing that is hurting me so much. I have gone around and around with this stupid obsession. My loved ones have seen me go around and around. I do think that therapy is going to be helpful. I plan on asking a person I trust for the name of their counselor today. Counseling has been a crap shoot for me over the years.
This is just overwhelming honestly. The only way off the ride is to actually get off and walk away. To not listen to the voice that obsesses and to find something more productive. We can do this. I can do this. Support is essential.

I think about my sobriety every day. And I am pretty sure every day has some element of recovery as a component. I'd like to think that is keeping me sober. It that a balanced life? Probably not, but it is 1000 times more balanced than drinking.

Maybe our lot as recovering alcoholics is the curse of always having it in our thoughts to one degree or another. I accept the degree I think about it. The degree that you are thinking about it drove you to drink. Perhaps there is something out of kilter with your recovery. Maybe the issue of balance is there. And if you recovery is just about abstinence, that may be it.

Wishing you strength.

Oh can I relate to finding a good therapist! I've had some really bad ones and a few good ones. But when you get a good one it's worth the effort on your part and the sooner you find this person the better.

for right now, what's your plan to get through day 3? That's always been hard for me.

Good for you I myself am on day 5. It does get easier as every day passes . Its just the mental aspect that gets me . That little voice that tells me im fine and dont have a problem . But I know I have a problem and cant ever drink again . One drink is never enough and 100 drinks isnt enough .

Hey Mizz ,
So glad to know you are still alive and around :)

Mountains to traverse eh ? Dunno if my head is big enough to have to think about that kinda thing , i just try and get through the days .

Bestwishes, m

I think I lost track of myself and became overwhelmed and used an overwhelming situation as a reason to throw my sobriety out the window. I did not care at all at that point. I did not reach out to anyone and I did not want to think about reaching out. I don't have an excuse.
Yes, there is something faulty in the way that I think about sobriety or how I live when I am sober. The obsession to drink turns into the obsession to not drink. Given enough time, I am sure the obsession would die down.

Of course you want balance. We all aspire to that. And none of us found it on day 2. I also wanted to be one of those inspiring people that got their **** together and moved mountains with their strength and determination. In the end I realised that if I wanted what they'd got, I needed to do what they did. So I asked one of those people to be my sponsor, stopped just 'going to meetings' and committed to my program of recovery. I needed to find the willingness to do things that had, up til that time seemed unacceptable to me. Not because I believed it'd work for me necessarily all the time . Sometimes it was just to get my sponsor off my back, and to prove to her that this thing or that thing wouldn't work - but generally I found that it DID work, as long as I kept doing it. And slowly I developed confidence and faith in my program, and started wanting to do that stuff every day, because I understood the power of it to heal me.

You can do this. With Acceptance and Willingness, and staying sober one day at a time.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

why not start posting here daily again, or more than daily Mizz? :)
D

I've got nothing to lose by posting daily. The support will be helpful and necessary as I skillfully lose the old ball and chain.

I think I need a juice cleanse.😉

Hey Mizz

Have you tried any spiritual practice ? I found it to be the missing piece for me. I am an AA member, I did see a therapist (useful for early days), D&A specialists, psychiatrists, and have the support of f&f. It wasnt enough for me. Spirituality filled the gap.

Just an idea. Play around with it and see if anything works.

I pray. I work on quieting the Monkey Mind. There has been more prayers than ever since the end of last year. I don't see this as a practice in anyway and I do feel partially disconnected from what I believe in. I'm not sure that I am still enough or quiet enough to hear the answers to my prayers. I wouldn't be able to see the answers even if they were staring me in the face. I've been living in the fog. Literally and figuratively. 😉
I'm trying my hardest to snap the hell out of my self and get on with what I need to do.
Spiritual practice is under way.

Keep it up Mizzuno!

Cool. I found the meditative aspect to work best for me. Also lots of study on the subject. It enabled me to discover the answers for myself. I think.

I made it safely home to my bed. Excited for the energy in the am and lack of anxiousness. A good run is in my future. Thanks for all the support today.

Forgive my lack of contribution today to others. I will most definitely give back all that has been given.

Hi Mizz, you may find this thread of help:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tay-sober.html
All the best! :)