Starting point
 

Every couple of years I come back to this site feeling awful and defeated. In my attempts to be anonymous, I can never remember my user names, what I've said, or where to begin. Just a sad cycle of in and out. I am determined to change it, but it feels a bit harder than the last time, and the time before that, and the time before that.

Short story. I started drinking when I was 19. I grew up in a family of alcoholics, and I swore that it would never happen to me. I had plenty of opportunities to drink when I was even younger, but I resisted. I had seen the destruction, and I wanted no part of it. I still sometimes cant believe that it happened to me... someone that should have known better.

Now I'm 36. I've wasted nearly two decades of my life on alcohol. I first tried, and failed to quit drinking in 2003, and I've tried countless times over the years with very little success. Last year, I managed to make it five months without drinking. It was the only time in my adult life that I'd managed to last more that a week, and I thought I had it beat. Boy was I wrong!

You all know the story. I started back with a few beers. Then I decided that I could drink on the weekends. Within a month, I was a daily drinker again, and more recently, I'm back to drinking all day, every day.

I know from experience that it get's easier, and that I'll feel better, both physically and emotionally, but I just can not find that stopping point this time. I keep putting it off, and putting it off. I can't keep living like this!

I've tried AA and going to meetings actually made me want to drink more. Plus, I'm strongly NOT religious, and I know that isn't supposed to be a requirement, but it's uncomfortable to me.

I really have no idea what I'm going to do yet. I just needed to vent.

vent away, jchaz.

this can be done, but i can tell you right now that no matter which way you proceed, it will be uncomfortable. for a while.

thinking i could beat it was part of my repeated downfalls. what finally worked for me was an understanding that this thing had me beat, and that i needed to co-exist with my alcoholism in peace. acceptance.

glad to see you back.

There are many options to recovery and we have a good list right here. I'm sure you can find something that works for you:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Glad your posting jchaz & reaching out for support. You are not alone & will find much support & encouragement here.

Alcohol, now become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands...

Fatal progressive loss of control, whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.

ah heck what would AA know about it. I'll quit next week. All that fool God stuff just isn't for me. Tried it. Found it wanting.

Maybe you can yet get a handle on it in another way. If you can still work, what about saving up for a year, and checking out a good sanitarium rehab or two? Some, resolved, just post postings here and manage fine?

The whole AA thing about taking deep serious fundamental stock of one's life, motivations and conduct toward this planet and as it affects others is often a bit high of a bar. More for desperate last gaspers. Damn hard work too if you ask me.

ain't no imaginary silent partner creator nonsense gonna mess with my careful power and planning!

jchaz- Welcome. I save all my user names and passwords in one email account saved as a draft. I can't remember all the dang things.

Certainly don't blame you for wanting to vent. But based on your OP, you know what's in store for you if you don't quit drinking all day everyday. Wish you the best man.

Hi Jchaz

Hi Jchaz :)

posting here and reading daily or more than daily, becoming part of this community really helped me - maybe it might help you too? :)

D

I hope we can help you want to be sober more than you want to drink. :)

jchaz, the same thing happened to me. 8 months sober, started drinking again slowly and then quickly and then destructively. It was very, very hard to quit again. But now I'm about to have one year sober. The good news is that once I did get sober again, it was so, so, so much easier than the first time. Now that I really know what happens when I drink again, I've been able to move on emotionally. I don't wonder anymore if it might be possible for me to drink in a fun and healthy way again. So I don't torture myself about it. I still had to go through (and still am) all of the difficulty of learning to live sober. Self examination, giant life changes, figuring out my beliefs about myself and the world, looking for meaning, all of that stuff. But I don't feel tempted to drink.

The getting stopped is so hard though. I empathize. I went to detox and then a month of inpatient ultimately. I just couldn't do it alone again, I was completely beyond the pale. But there are a lot of people on here that have successfully quit again after relapse using a variety of support methods, so my solution's not the only one.

After that first month, I have a pretty varied recovery program that includes AA but is more connected to support here, meditation, yoga, therapy, and other recovery groups (meditation centers often host support groups, for example).

Things are going really, really well for me. If I can do it, you can too. Glad to see you back!

Hi Jchaz.
I am in the same boat, I will quit tomorrow BUT tomorrow never comes:headbange

Welcome back Jchaz!

Welcome back. Have you thought about medical detox?