Defining an Alcoholic
 

Hi All,

I am over 2 months sober and really enjoying every day of it. I am married to a man who drinks every single night, and has done so for all of his adult life. I think he has a problem; he doesn't. The longest he's gone without alcohol (since I've know him) is one week, and it was a miserable week for him.

He almost never gets visibly intoxicated because his tolerance is so high. He drinks whiskey every night, oftentimes starting off with a beer or two. I then see him look at his watch, and pour a whiskey. He "times" his intake to prove that he has control. Ironically, if you have to check the timing of your intake, that already means the drink is controlling you, but he doesn't see it that way.

He has never been an angry drunk that I've seen. In fact, he's so normally quiet and introverted that alcohol makes him more talkative and prone to laughter. Everywhere I read states that alcohol abuse gradually morphs people into someone ugly, someone abusive over time...well, what if that isn't the case? Can't someone's disease progress without them turning into a belligerent? The fact that he isn't a mean drunk only punctuates for him (in his mind) that he doesn't have a problem.

I know that there are guidelines for healthy daily drinking - certain amounts that are ok, etc. I think that's all bunk. Alcohol is a drug; a toxin. No amount of a toxin is good. I see now that it's something all of us could do without and be better off for it, but alcohol is such a money maker, so heavily endorsed as something fun and acceptable, that the general population overlooks the simple fact that it is a mind-altering and potentially addictive poison, and drinking "acceptable" amounts doesn't make it less of a poison. Poison is poison.

I know I cannot change his behavior, or even necessarily define his dependency, but I just wanted to know if anyone else is in a similar situation and would you define your significant other as an alcoholic?
Bottom line: if a person drinks 7 days a week and can't (or "won't") stop, but they aren't mean, what would you define that person as?

Congrats on 2 months!

Regarding your husband, I think you answered your own question in the last paragaph. Only he can decide/define whether he's an alcoholic or not, and you cannot really "compare" his drinking to yours or anyone else's to define it.

Does it bother you that he "gets" to drink, and you can't? Just a thought.

I'd like to add:
He holds a job, has never driven while under the influence, and takes care of his responsibilities relative to his children. He also sits on the couch whenever he isn't working, either playing games on his computer or watching TV. He is very inactive. I would say the bulk of his free time is spent on the couch. I don't know if he's low energy because he is likely nursing a constant brain fog, or what. He gets in a negative mood often as well; depressed or anxious over something. He typically thinks his anxiety has to do with things around him, not within himself. When he's depressed or anxious it's because 1) his kids aren't with him that week, 2) work is stressful 3) I am being distant (?), 4) he feels "a disturbance in the force" that something bad is going to happen but he doesn't know what.

Not at all. In fact, I am so grateful to be free from the need to drink. I am not enslaved to it any longer, and it pains me to see that he is.

It's interesting to me that one of the well-documented markers of alcoholism is this eventual progression into someone mean and abusive. If that's the only marker preventing certain people from coming to terms with their alcoholism, then that's really unfortunate, IMHO.

Just because he hasn't become mean and abusive yet, doesn't mean it isn't on the horizon.

At some point I would imagine you will want to draw a line in the sand about this, but if it were me I'd give myself a year of sobriety and observation and planning before doing so. Are you able to comfortably leave (not saying you should right now, but) if he does become abusive? Why not start putting together a plan for your own security and future so that you are prepared should something happen to/with him. It really is a matter of time before either his physical or emotional health takes a nosedive.

Congratulations on your own sobriety. That's huge. :)

To me, this is the only relevant issue here.

He will stop drinking when he wants to be sober more than he wants to be drunk, and whatever spin, definition, or label you put on his drinking won't make the slightest difference.

All you can change is how you choose to view and deal with the situation. Have you considered Al-Anon?

Congrats on your 2 months!

Thank you, BiminiBlue. I wouldn't hesitate to leave if things got abusive. My prediction is that his health will fail before anything else, but I am no prophet. I like your idea of giving my own sobriety a year, and observing in the meantime. I still need to manage my own sobriety in all of this.

Thank you!

Thank you on the congrats, Andante! I go to a counselor who specializes in alcoholism, and I also attend a Women for Sobriety meeting. I have not gone to an Al-Anon meeting. That's for families of alcoholics?

You don't have to be a mean drunk to be an alcoholic. In fact, many alcoholics are very good at maintaining a pleasant demeanour and give no outward signs of intoxication. You mentioned that he suffers depression and and anxiety. When I was a daily drinker, I was miserable all the time too. Alcohol can really negatively affect one's mental health. It changes the brain.

Your husband sounds like he is in denial. Alcoholism is progressive so expect things to get worse

For the alcoholic
liquor ceased to be a luxury
and became a necessity.

Mountainman

Alcoholics can have many faces. Some get very belligerent, getting into fights, arrested numerous times, DUI's, in and out of jail/rehab, but many others like you describe can be wasted, but don't really show any "typical" signs of being so. They can also be high functioning by holding down a job, taking care of responsibilities, etc. High functioning alcoholics often times get away with things for much longer as those close to them are aware of their problem, but ignore it as it isn't directly affecting them, for now, in a negative way. Though things could turn at any moment.

Everything you describe certainly indicates that he has a problem. I don't think finding what defines an alcoholic helps or matters.

My husband and I both drank alcoholically, I quit first. He didn't admit to a problem till half a year or so later. I am so utterly grateful he decided to follow suit and join me in complete abstinence eventually. You are responsible for your sobriety first and that's the only thing you can control. I kept sharing things I learned from SR, a lot about AV, reading some similar stories. From my own experience, I knew that pushing doesn't work. Some things my husband cared about was lack of energy and not being able to stay in shape. He didn't put two and two together though, how much drinking was holding him back in that regard. Maybe you can help by finding what your husband cares about (shape, appearance, health, children?) and talk about how drinking impacts it, in severely negative way. Eventually though, it is up to him. You can only share what you know and pray that something clicks and some connection is made in his brain. In some cases in works, in some it doesn't. Best of luck and congratulations on your own freedom!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful post. Very, very good advice. He doesn't seem to care for working out, appearance, or health for that matter. I am not really sure what he enjoys, if anything. I pray for him every day. Seems a sad, lonesome existence even though he's surrounded by people who love him very much.

My question is...can it progress this slowly, as in no visible change over the course of decades?? He seems never to outwardly get worse. And he's been a drinker for life.

I know it inevitably worsens, whether it affects mood, demeanor, or health, but is it inevitable that someone gets mean? I suppose they could actually maintain a "normal" demeanor for decades, and potentially succumb to the disease before they ever get mean, right?

Well said, :c011:

Not every alcoholic gets "mean". And it can progress slowly or quickly. None of us can give you the answer you want though....which is whether he is an alcoholic or not. It doesn't matter how many times you ask the question or how you re-frame it, only he can make that determination.

You are much better off getting help for yourself not only with your own alcoholism but perhaps even something like AL-Anon. Just as it's very difficult to accept our own addiction, it's equally hard to accept that we cannot change others.

You're absolutely right. Thank you :)

Becoming "mean and abusive" is not among the diagnostic criteria for alcohol dependence or alcohol abuse. Attempts to control or cut down on (moderate) one's drinking, tolerance, withdrawal, cravings, drinking more or more often than planned, spending a lot of time preparing to drink or engaging in activities related to drinking or drinking itself, and continued drinking despite a persistent medical or psychological condition are among the DSM-V diagnostic criteria for AUD (Alcohol Use Disorder). You only need to have two of these (and other symptoms which I have not listed) to meet criteria for AUD.