I wonder if it would be more productive for you personally to focus more on defining what YOUR response to your husband's drinking is all about and what it means for YOUR choices.

I sense in your comments that there is an underlying desire for him to also embrace sobriety - or at least to recognize the potential negative impact of his relationship with alcohol to both himself and your relationship.

I sense that you're searching for feedback to validate that perspective.... but here's the thing; you don't need to validate a thing like that.

I wonder if it might not be a more valuable and beneficial path for you to consider;

What is the role of your partner in your sobriety?

What sort of partnership do you seek - as a sober person?

What is the importance of sobriety in your significant other?

How does your partner's current use of alcohol influence your own sobriety?

Are there things about his use of alcohol that are clearly outside the boundaries of what is healthy for your sobriety and / or the boundaries you're willing to accept as part of a relationship?


Getting very clear on these sort of things for yourself, should empower you to have a very clear and honest conversation with your partner - one that is based not on needing to validate or convince him, but simply to communicate your truth.

"I think you're an alcoholic" and getting someone to agree to that statement

is quite a different thing altogether from

"I have chosen sobriety, and what that means for me is that I cannot be in a partnership with someone whose use of alcohol threatens my sobriety or the boundaries of what I expect in a relationship".

All you've said is so very true. I don't know that his drinking impacts my sobriety; in fact, if anything, it makes me grateful that I've been able to get sober and stay there (so far). I know I can't judge him or his drinking, nor do I wish to; how could I? I am an alcoholic as well. Only difference is I am not drinking.

I just feel that his depression, anxiety, and projection (i.e., "there is a disturbance in the force" here at home really might mean that he's feeling unsubstantiated anxiety about me or the household when it's really brought on by his drinking) are all things that would likely remedy themselves if he would simply consider sobriety. Until then, to him, it's everyone else causing him to feel down and anxious.

I also worry about his health. He's so sedentary, has high blood pressure, doesn't sleep well...I am concerned that he's ruining his health. Maybe I shouldn't worry, since he doesn't seem to worry - but I love him. Of course I want him healthy!

I guess what you're saying is that the bottom line is I have to either accept him as he is today or decide I don't accept it. I do accept it, but it breaks my heart for him.

I also know how good sobriety feels, and I wish for him that he could feel that feeling.

This is exactly where I live. I have been sober for a few days short of 1 and 1/2 yrs. It isn't always easy but when I can find my acceptance, it is liveable.

My AH isn't an angry, abusive drunk. He just sits quietly, drinking and playing video games. Just quietly being chipped away by alcohol.

I wish you all the best :grouphug:

There ya go!!!

SO JUST TELL HIM THAT.

His life is his... his choices are his.... if you love and accept him regardless - then that's fantastic. But if you're worried for him, you want better for him, you see a world where things could be better for him because you live in that world and have found it to be better - then just share that.

You don't need to define him or validate your definition. Tell him what you just told me. :)

He may change. He may not. But you share your truth and you let him choose his path.

I've been told on many occasions to keep my side of the street clean!

He'll quit if he wants to quit.. My wife didn't quit drinking when I did, now I have an ex wife and I'm still sober!

You can't control another person's drinking, no matter what you say or do. As so many here have said, only he can decide if he's an alcoholic. I think Free Owl has some good advice about focusing on you and not him. Al-Anon is a good suggestion. It may help you stay focused on yourself - and in the long run, through what you'll learn in that program, the changes you make in how you react to his drinking may bring about a natural change in him. But it has to be his decision, not yours.

No, Esperons, you don't have to be mean and abusive to be "alcoholic". Many function well, but our liver's don't necessarily follow the same route.

Agree with DSM criteria, but agree more so, that you can really only take care of yourself, and your own hard won sobriety. Congratulations.

He sounds like a solid guy who likes his whiskey. My only concern for him would be his health, But to each his own. If he doesn't bother or endanger anyone then I say drink up...