Scared, Unsure, or Something like that
 

It's been said to me that one cannot change addictive thinking within the confines of their own head. I figured it was my own head that got me into it, my own head should have capacity to get me out, or do whatever it wants, if I set my mind to it. But maybe not. Addiction is a powerful force. So I don't know what to think, or what to do.

Perhaps. But you've been struggling a while? Is it just a matter of not setting your mind to it? Or trying to do it alone?

Struggling a long, long while. When the fight gets too hard I give up, it's more comfortable that way. But, not really. You know?

No I can't think my way to sobriety. Tried that. I accept that I cannot drink. Work on finding my purpose beyond my addiction. I need help and a program to do that.

I think everyone can use an outside perspective :)

Have you though about what else you might do for your recovery, andisa?

D

That's what they say, one needs help. I'm really, really having a hard time asking for help. It seems available. I'm not sure if I'm too scared to move, or just unwilling. I have endless excuses, but suspect that's just because I'm unwilling, or unable, to change. Been at this for 29 years now and it's all so ingrained. Acceptance seems unreachable for the blockades in place. Even writing here seems pointless, without willingness, but not writing or doing anything just allows it to continue unabated.

This might be a good place to start :)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Try and not worry to much about 'failures' in the past or what things ,might be lurking up ahead - all you have to do right now is stay sober today...repeat tomorrow... :)

D

Hi Andisa. This is a good place to start. There is lots of help available if you seek it out. Sounds like you want help or you wouldn't have posted.

I def needed to get an outside perspective.

Mine was so flawed and obsessive for the very things that would harm me that it was like being trapped in a vortex. I lived life with fear and resentment and obsessions for things that I perceived would make me better as my puppet masters. I was a pretty miserable puppet both drunk and the then sober until I sorted out that perspective of mine.

Hello and welcome!

I could not do it alone. I needed AA, my sponsors wisdom, this site, and lots of AA meetings with others trying to do it. I failed myself. It's also less lonely, in my opinion. AA says alcohol is not the problem but our thinking is and alcoholis our solution that does not work. Bottom get lower in my case. I needed to start the steps to learn to navigate through this unpredictable, hard life without alcohol as a coping tool. It was destroying me slowly but surely.

:grouphug:

Lilly

It's not so much that we use, but why we want to use. I don't suppose I much want to look at why I want to use, I just want to use and not have to think about that. Perhaps that's the aversion to getting help. The addiction is very protective of itself. I'll see if there's any chance of progressing beyond this point. I much appreciate the response you all offered here.

Hi Andisa. That's a great insight: the addiction is indeed very protective of itself. At one time I would have ridiculed the solution I am about to propose, but....you might try praying for the willingness to seek help. It doesn't even have to be addressed to God, or anyone in particular. As Soren Kierkegaard (I think), said: "prayer does not change God, it changes the one who offers it."

The reasons for drinking are not really reasons. They are bullet-points to continue down the same path.

The only way to heal the body, mind and psyche is to stop drinking first, then sort out the rest. We all have a "the rest" - but there is no trauma or past situation that is worth committing a slow suicide by alcohol. I know I couldn't really sort out much of anything until I had been sober a couple months. It took that long for me to figure out which way was up.

I can appreciate the intent behind prayer, and the quote you provided, Zenlifter, does address it as I understand it. However, I gave up prayer a long time ago, because in doing so the only one I'm really addressing is myself (or so goes my understanding anyway.) I suppose this gets to the heart of why the NA program fails to reach me. Step 2 makes entirely no sense to me.

Biminblue, your opening line reminds me of a realization I've recently had, that hopelessness is just a convenient excuse to keep using. Or, keeping the idea of using open. I'm not actively using right now but that doesn't mean I'm not always thinking about it. As soon as I attempt to do something about that I'm even more compelled to use. So I back off. Clever technique employed by my addiction isn't it. A protective measure on its part to keep me from taking action. And if I do take action then it gets really serious.

I'm thinking that the best plan of action is to just stay away from it for awhile. Realize I don't really need it. And then take action. But, I've tried that before, and it's just sitting there waiting for me to come back.

This is a risky place I'm in right now, knowing how my thinking and actions tend to work. We've been around and around about this for decades now. Who's in control here.

Even more to the point, the hopelessness doesn't go away until you stop using. This is an important distinction.

Alcohol is causing this hopelessness. It is virtually impossible to solve anything when the brain is under the influence of a toxic poison.

The only way out of hopelessness and helplessness for me was to get away from the drug [alcohol] that was causing my brain to malfunction.

I hope you can stay away from it. Why not set a goal like a year sobriety for now? In a year you will feel so much better, I'm certain you will continue. Keep posting here and get it all out in that next year- all the misery and despair - we get it.

I'd love to watch you get well. Prayers for your healing.

I think there are two issues. The first thing I needed to do was to stop drinking. The second thing was to begin to deal with the underlying issues that caused my addiction. That was very hard. I'd been running away from problems for a long time and it was scary to face things head on. But, it was far better than continuing to drink.

I can do a day. Anything longer term than that seems impossible. I don't know how to escape, I have no resources. That's not true, I do have options. Considering...considering.

I thought I didn't have options for a long time, too. But it turned out I really did, when I wanted to find them badly enough.

Perhaps my greatest fear in doing anything about this is being found out. I've gone to great lengths to hide/ protect my obsession, and if I proceed in actually looking at why it exists I risk being able to return to the familiar ways I so rely on. We can find and do whatever we want, if we want it badly enough. I know that is true.

It probably goes without saying, but I greatly appreciate the response and thought and caring offered by those responding here. I'm really struggling to move ahead in getting past this ingrained way of thinking and it's really been rough in recent days as I actively challenge it. So, I'm grateful...

I sent this quote to somebody else just recently, and decided to repost it here, because I think it makes good sense. And you don't have to be a Buddhist to believe it, you could be an atheist/materialist as far as that goes. Insert "drug of choice" in place of alcohol :). Here it is:

Someone asked me once what “Higher Power” a Buddhist could choose to believe in if he or she became a member of a twelve-step program that required such a belief. I think that the fact that you can’t drink too much alcohol without becoming very ill — addiction being an illness, after all — is evidence enough that the Rule of the Universe is a * .benevolent Higher Power that wishes us not to become alcoholics. I would trust in the law of cause and effect as my Higher Power. -- Brad Warner