I cant do this anymore
 

Hi everyone. I'm new here, and just starting the journey of recovery. It's only my first day with new booze, but I don't know if I can do it. I've tried so many tines before. Started binging from 17-20 in college, and became a true alcoholic from 20 until now, at 26. I drink 10-20 nips & drinks/beers a day. The past 6 or so months I've gained a significant amount of weight, and I don't know if it's from organ damage, lithium (I'm bipolar) or thyroid issues, or the extra alcohol calories. I don't eat much, but I eat crap food, and drink at least a quart of milk a day - a relatively new thing that's started. (Heard milk cravings are a sign of diabetes, but my urine didn't indicate a failing pancreas, and am getting a full blood test done tomorrow for thyroid and everything else.) I don't want to bore you with my story, I guess I just want to know how not to give up.

I'm currently unemployed and living at home, bipolar, in debt about $5k in CCs and $10k for my car, I have few close friends (many acquaintances because I use to be popular before I fell off grid and became a reclusive, depressed, anhedonic, alcoholic), no real hobbies although I have so many interests, no major goals (battle with different philosophies and also my mental illness), insanely intense fear of judgment and shame, and much more. I don't know where to begin. I know about the rat park experiment, where 9/10 rats ODed on coke when in solitary confinement, but none did when in rat park (oh, I also do coke at least once a month, usually once a week), but how does one find friends and stuff? Especially clean friends, as all mine do drugs and/or drink. I'm just so overwhelmed.

Tl;dr - I'm a 6+ year alcoholic (600-750ml of vodka a day) who is super overwhelmed with everything, and wants to know what y'all recommend as a first step to get the ball rolling. I'm job hunting now, but that's difficult due to the bipolar depression + ADHD, and so is maintaining full time employment. I know a full time job and my own place would help a lot, but it's so hard to attain. I just can't go on like this anymore. The suicidal ideations are getting more real, and so are the urges. I'm very optimistic underneath it all, and hopeful, but it's all wearing me down more and more everyday. Anyway, sorry for the length, and thanks all for any input.

Hi Philosopheyes :)

I think if you're having suicidal ideations, you really need to address those with a professional.

Apart from that joining here is a good start - you'll find a lot of support and good ideas here.

Speaking of good ideas I think this link is a good place to start thinking about what's next :)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

D

Hey Philo
Welcome! I know the hopelessness you're feeling. You're not alone.

When I'm deep in my addiction, and life has become completely unmanageable, I can get very overwhelmed. The only way for me to untie the knots my life is in is to take it one step, one problem, at a time. Don't look at the whole knotted mess, just one part of the knot. There is absolutely no way to start however without getting sober. So that's priority 1. All the other stuff will be there, so just focus on not drinking. AA is a great way to meet other people in your shoes. Or there's Smart Recovery. I would highly recommend some F2F support. Even if the meetings are foreign to you, or don't seem a perfect fit, just being with people like you will help a lot.

Mental illness. Got it. Alcohol makes bipolar symptoms far worse. And lithium and alcohol? Well, I think you know.

Weight gain. Its your whole lifestyle. Lithium does cause weight gain. But combine it with booze, poor diet, and no exercise? Voila.

One step at a time, one day at a time. Ask your dr about medically assisted detox to help you through. I'm glad you're getting blood work. You can do this!

Welcome to the family. :) I hope our support can help you get sober for good. :hug:

Sleep. Only think about today. Treat this as a long term illness and get rest. You need to get that stuff out if your system so you can begin to heal. Please seek help if you are feeling suicidal. Professional help. Sleep when you want, eat what you want, enjoy a soda. It WILL level out soon...promise

Jennifer

Treatment is sought by many as foundational to addressing both addictions and mental health issues. Please consider your options.

Glad you're with us, welcome.

It would keep you busy in a good way
to spend time putting together a strong sober Program.
I think Dee shared a link up above.

What has helped me to get and stay sober.
In early sobriety Christian counseling with a loving pastor.
AA meetings proxy 5 times a week.
Church and bible studies.

And then as I walked the sober road for a while I found this site.
A great place that reminds us to put our sobriety first today.

Mountainmanbob

Welcome to SR! You will find lots of support here. Dee's link about plans is a good starting place. Also, you should join the May, and soon to be June classes, you will find a support system of people who have begun their sobriety journeys at the same time as you.

I'm glad you are working with a doctor. Are you also seeing a psychiatrist to discuss your concerns about suicidal ideation a and the possible effects of your medication? If not, that would be a great starting point.

Start by focusing on today, make a plan to stay sober, do something to occupy your time: go for a walk, read a book, spend some time readin and posting on here, binge watch a favorite series on Netflix...

You can do this. Looking forward to seeing you on SR!

I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. I do a lot of the time. It fed my addiction to alcohol for too many years.
I second everyone saying to address your feelings of suicide. It is something very real and very important - I am glad you wrote that you have those feelings. That's a big step, now on to the next where you get some help with those feelings. We want you here!
On being overwhelmed and not drinking (for me): I am always worried more about anybody else and their lives and problems than me. I am stopping that every chance I get nowadays. What I try to focus on every moment I can is to take care of me. I am sleeping a lot nowadays and at times feel guilty about it, but you know what - I have killed my body with drink for so many years - it must need some sleep to mend now. Sleeping is a gift I give to myself. Also eating as well as I can and talking positive to the me in my head. I can't tell you how many times I say to myself, "It's okay, it's going to be okay". This too shall pass is also a favorite saying. I try to make sure I do the things that absolutely must be done and the other things I think I should be doing or others put on me... I do what I can with it and then try to be proud that I did the ones I had to do. I try to set up my day to win. I space tasks out, not put them all in one day. And I am in the process of creating nice stress-relieving situations or activities that I enjoy or make me feel ok. I've found some new teas that I like. Lots of people talk about finding new beverages to replace the yucky ones. I make sure that I am taking care of myself very well personal grooming wise. It's fun to pamper yourself. I buy good things to eat. I have started reading again (a life-long hobby that was ruined by drinking and not remembering or not having time due to drinking). I have discovered a bunch of new series to watch on tv that are good to look forward to --- that's a big thing is to find interesting-to-you things to look forward to instead of drinking activities.
I will stop now -- read here on SR - there are tons and tons of suggestions from sober-now people who have been where you are. I feel time spent reading posts here is really time well spent.
I wish you the best... please keep posting to let us know how things go :hug: §8

i think all of us have the capacity to get overwhelmed if we try to think of EVERYTHING we need to do, should do, shouldn't do, have done, haven't done, etc. - trying to exist while dwelling on the past and fretting over the future.

so we have to break it down into manageable bits. what is the next WISE thing to do? getting off the drink will make everything else so much easier......getting some therapeutic support to works toward optimum mental health is also a wise thing to do. perhaps TODAY is not the day or time to worry about procuring a new full time job...perhaps your full time job is taking care of YOU in mind body and spirit first?

Welcome to SR, Philosopheyes!
You've found yourself lots of great support and understanding here.

I can certainly relate. I am very much in the same place as you. I struggle with ADHD as well. I was only diagnosed at age 34 while in rehab so I had already ruined my career by then. I struggle to maintain employment and most companies won't hire me because of a DUI and a bankruptcy on my record.

Right now, our first concern should the alcoholism. my biggest obstacle to rebuilding my life had been my drinking. That's what I am focusing on for now. I've been fired from my last 3 jobs indirectly because I can't stay sober. My ADHD, depression and anxiety can't be properly treated until I get sober. I just joined AA to tackle that.

I think that should be your first step too. Tackle the drinking and go from there.

Welcome

Why don't you try attending some AA or NA meetings? Plenty of sober people you could meet there. Welcome to the forum!

Welcome to SR, Philosopheyes! I'm glad you found us here. There are lots of approaches that work, but the first step is finally understanding that you have a problem. It sounds like you have taken the crucial first step!:grouphug:

Welcome , can't add anything to what was said above , read carefully what they say , All have been beaten by alcohol and speak from experience at getting and staying sober ,keep coming here

if you are having suicidal thoughts or urges you need to seek medical help.

i have BPD, depression, anxiety, PTSD....all of these things are still with me now i'm sober, but i have a better chance of living with myself. it can and does get better. see a doctor.