My son sees an expensive out-of-pocket psychiatrist, top researcher at UCLA. I would trust him. He is really good, kind, caring - a wonderful person. I might think about visiting him.

Pouncer, this is going to sound extremely harsh but it comes from a place of caring and compassion. I find it difficult to say, but I think it will benefit you. I mean it filled with compassion and caring when I say:

You can't know if your psychiatrist hates you because you have a disorder that prevents you from judging what people think about you.

Go to a doctor. Go to your psychiatrist. Bring your husband if it makes you feel better.

I can tell you one thing: a doctor or psychiatrist who doesn't simply care about their patients is very rare. That's because they don't last long in the profession. They will get complaints and if they keep it up, they will leave the profession.

Go to your doctor. And your psychiatrist. You are not the only one who finds it scary. The key is to do it anyway, even though you're afraid.

You want a better life, don't you? Given your situation, you need to get all the professional help you need.

I'm thinking about you and hope you make the wise decision.

See, a great option! Go for it!

Hi Pouncer, long time no see

There seems to be a negative spiral of bad health leading to drinking which of course is bad for your health and probably (well possibly) means you miss taking meds so they don't work as effectively as they should so you feel worse leading to more drinking.

Rinse

Repeat

If you broke the cycle by not drinking and spent all you available free time addressing, researching, understanding your health issues and what to do to improve them it might break the merry go round

You're made of the right stuff Pouncer, i'm sure it would upset DJT if people like you got sober

The internal stuff is what drives us to drink, and it needs to be cleared up so we can stay sober. And no program is going to be easy--but they're simple, just showing up for meetings is a big part of it.

Using is easy, staying clean is difficult. I go to NA so I use their terms, but you get it. - Staying clean is also worth it.

Every day for a long time brought the same dilemma. - "Do i kill myself or go to a meeting?" I went to the meeting and didn't use.

Life happened. Just as it always had except now I didn't get loaded to ease the pain of life.... or of being myself. My marriage fell apart. My kids still didn't talk to me. My father died. Friends relapsed. The first guy i sponsored decided to use again and Overdosed and died that night. I made a couple of bad relationship choices. The only job I could get was one that paid me 1/3 of what I used to make. Often I wondered if it was all worth it. I didn't feel normal or human for a long time.

The man I asked to sponsor me told me one of the most profound truths I came across in recovery. Sometimes people in recovery lie to you without meaning to. They tell you that if you stay clean and follow the program that it will get better. My sponsor told me that he didn't know if "it" would get better, it could get worse. What he told me was that if I stayed clean and learned to apply the 12 steps of recovery that I could get better. - He didn't lie.

Life still happens and I still struggle with my emotions and with my warped perceptions of life and of myself. I still bounce off of the walls trying to find the center of the room, but the room has gotten smaller over time. I still have periods of emotional instability, but the frequency, intensity, and duration of those periods has gradually diminished. Recovery doesn't eliminate the pain of being human, it simply provides me a way to handle it.

Drugs (including alcohol) weren't my problem, they were my attempt at a solution to how I felt. Of course, my holy grail and refuge turned out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing, causing more pain and despair than I had initially sought to escape. Today with the help of a small group of individuals who love me unconditionally and who understand what it is like to be me, I have learned to not only stay clean each day, but to handle life and my emotions. Do i still feel like using sometimes? Sure. But today I can be honest about why, and about what that temporary escape would cost me. So, I tell my sponsor or another person in recovery about it, we talk, and I go to NA meetings. Is staying clean hard? Yes, But it's nowhere near as hard as it was when I started. Not even close. Statements like "this too shall pass" actually make sense to me, because I have actual experience.

So no. There will be no lollipops and unicorns - but recovery is real.

IvanMike,

Your post hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, it is hard. You are right. The wolf-in-sheep's-clothing feeling is so real to me. I can't be a better me if I tried. Being me is okay, just being me. Thank you so much for the empathy and compassion. It makes my day a little bit brighter.

No charge for empathy and compassion, I have a lot to pay forward. - I did neglect to mention that I'm pretty happy these days. When I'm off it's usually because my perspective is askew or I'm dragging my feet in some area of my life.

What is the reward of recovery? Not only are we able to look in the mirror, but the mirror smiles at us.

No, I didn't believe it either.

ok, so, you know how it feels to go for a fairly lengthy period of time sober. I guess my point is that you've done it before, so you know that it is possible to do it again.

I used to get so irritated at drunk people when I was sober. I never missed it, either. This is my attempt at a solution to a problem. Not a very good solution.

I realize we stop drinking, when we're ready and no one can make us, before we're ready......BUT, I can't help thinking your children are deserving of a sober mom. So, if you can't do it for yourself, could you consider doing it for your children?

I can do it for my kids. You are right. They deserve a sober mom. Time to get serious about it.