Giving it a real go.
 

Hi Everybody,

I've been lurking around SR for a little while, reading people's stories and thinking about my own life. I see a lot of myself in the things they've written.

I started drinking when I was 21. I didn't party before that, but found booze shortly after. My brother was in a frat, so when I went home on break from university, I would go out with him and his friends. Long story short, I did the usual "just found alcohol, binge/blackout/etc.. have a laugh about it the next day" sort of thing.

When I wasn't with him, I might have a beer or two now and then. Things began to escalate as the years went on, but nothing really serious as far as consequences were concerned. Just hangovers and regrets about things I might've said or done to make myself look like an ass.

Fast forward to the last few years (I'm 30 now) and things have taken a turn for the worse. I was in a job that I hated (but was fantastic honestly, I excelled and had respect from company owners and coworkers) in a field making my drug of choice. I was always on call and didn't have a lot of help; 24/7 on the clock, salary. Access to free/unlimited alcohol. I wanted to be somewhere else, felt isolated, and for some reason hated everyone. So I drank. Not a case or anything, but enough to get really tipsy and usually pass out. Wake up, feel like crap, can't wait to start again. Some mornings a drink or two before going in to smooth it all out.

Come to realize it now, I think I hated something about myself. In any case, something was not right.

After all the drinking and REALLY stupid things I was doing, I decided that I had to go. So, I moved away. Things were pretty good for a while, then spiked again. Problems with my "dream job", a break-up, and then living out of my car made it easy to hit the booze again.

Then I found a new place to live, work is sort of turning around-ish...and being single has let me focus on athletics again. I didn't drink for about a month, which was an accomplishment given that my work revolves around alcohol. I dropped weight, felt really good, but felt something missing.

One hangover...I hate the damn hangovers. So I drank a little bit to take the edge off...then more drinking. About a week or so of always having something in my system. Yuck.

So, here I am. I want to say that I don't have a problem, but I'm not sure. It's strange to think that I'm always thinking about what I can do instead of go to the bar or hang out at work. That I should leave right away after I'm wrapped up. That it's difficult, when there's nothing else to do and I'm alone, to not stop in at one of the bars in town and say hello to my acquaintances the bartenders. One usually leads to tipsy/very tipsy/sometimes far beyond. I can keep up appearances very well I'm told.

I'm really going to give it a go. I feel like I've lost a lot of time to alcohol and now need to dig for why I feel like I need to drink; what I'm trying to smudge over or blot out.

So, on Day #2 again. Stuffed my face with veggies and will be taking a melatonin pill/vitimin to get off to sleep. 8pm bedtime.

All the best.

Welcome Cellardweller, giving it a go here as well; you're in a good place for support / insight / info. Whether or not there is a label to your drinking habits (I struggled with that myself many times), the desire to quit is there and that's what's important. Agree how cutting it out makes one feel so much better in the long run; for me that's good enough! Hang in there! :)

:welcome

There's plenty of support available here at SoberRecovery and at an AA meeting near you!

Hi cellardweller :)

I think if you want to stop but find you can't stay stopped - and this has been going on for years - then there's a problem.

I'm glad to see you back - you'll find a lot of support here - read around and post as much as you like - in the end, I hope you'll find the right method for you to stay and stay stopped for good.

D

Welcome CellarDweller

As my drinking got worse those friendly bartenders told me I could no longer be served there. My drinking got out of control but I look back and can see that it was always out of control. I hope you take the time to think about what you want out if life. Since I have attempted sobriety I have discovered that I was not achieving my goals because I was an active alcoholic. I know that active addiction narrows my perspective to the point that I cannot truly see reality. I hope you have a great day!

It all starts with taking those first few steps, not matter how large or small they are. Good job.

Welcome back! :) I hope the support here can help you get sober for good. :)

Thanks everybody. I completely forgot that I had posted on here in 2012...It's like a time machine reading that.

Feeling pretty good today; I'm happy because I feel confident, but also a little worried (wrong word, but it plays around in my head) what this means for me and my career.

Thanks again.

Happy you came back, Cellar. :) You can do it this time - we're with you.

:You_Rock_

Hi Guys,

Day 1 again. Drinking yes, but I've been "responsible" about it. That's a funny way to describe it.

Waking up the day after I feel like I've done something wrong, even if I haven't made an a** of myself. Disappointment with myself, that sort of thing. "Can you seriously not kill a few hours doing something productive?" That's an internal conversation.

Learning the last hours before going to sleep are the hardest. Picking up a new hobby or two.

Thanks, and all the best.

Welcome back Cellar!! :)

my responsible drinking never lasted long. I always reverted to type. There's no moderate drinking for me.

Obviously drinking is bring you no joy, cellardweller - whats your recovery plan?:)

D

Hey,

Honestly, I don't have a plan. What usually works for me is completely getting off the sauce then compensating through exercise. Borderline unhealthy/obsessive amounts. I was told that was unhealthy by a friend, but in my mind thought that it was a good trade.

I'm usually fully on or fully off. More so lately. I am not ready for any meetings, for a number of reasons. However I do find it hard to explain my struggle to my parents, or relating to other people.

I'm mostly afraid of what that would mean for my job. I feel I might be able to continue in my industry, but in a different role. I actually find that my overconsumption happens during "off time", not related to work. Which brings me around to investigate personal problems/loneliness/boredom. I have to deal with those.

I'll continue the conversation on here, but will not update on my sober status. The whole not drinking/drinking cycle, when I falter, makes me feel kinda phony. All the motivation in the world, saying "I won't do that again", then doing it again. It's all silly. Also, I will adhere to forum guidelines.

All the best.

edit:

When making life decisions, my father suggests making two columns on a sheet of paper: Pro's/Con's of whatever you're looking at.

I've thought through this before and for booze, it's pretty lopsided. Laughably so. But, here I am.

If you go back to drinking is it really 'working' tho CD?

At least read the link - noone's asking for a lock in contract, lol...you might find some things that may help flip you from periods of sobriety to real change?

D

Hi again everyone.

Checking back in, things have not been so good. My roommate and I are being outed from our place (not drinking related...Landlord can make more money renting to a single tenant vs us. ~700/month more. Hooray So. Cal and "outside money") at the end of the month. Work problems that have me contemplating living out of my truck (reduced hours, not due to job performance), ex-issues, and other stuff. Not sure if I can afford to even live where I am anymore...like have to move to a new city sort of thing.

It rolls from one day into the next. I know drinking doesn't solve any of my problems. I get free booze at work, BS/banter with my coworkers, but feel like a crap person for making crude jokes, or letting them see who I am. (I have a big wall up.)

Drinking is keeping me from life. I can't be the ideal candidate for my job if I stop drinking. I feel very lonely. Thought about going to a meeting tonight. It's at 5:30.

if you havnt got a plan then I suggest getting a plan no man/woman is an island

Well, it's been since the 12th.

The 12th I had beer, mostly to get me through the hangover. Just to get me over the hump, then no more. I tried not to finish all of it. I didn't. The last one is in the garage actually.

It's been this way for the better part of 10 years. (Where I've been drinking, thinking about drinking, etc.) I'd been on three benders now in the last month or so and felt pretty terrible. Big nights lead to low mornings, lead to hair of the dog, leads to...Well, riding that wave.

I'm off it now. I don't want to drink. Life threw me a (humorous) curve ball after my last night out. Time to call it quits with how I was living. I'm working on strategies (a plan) to deal with urges to drink; I'm making drinking like I used to a non-option.

I'm still not sure how this will work with my profession. I've got a lead on a job with a growing company, where I can come in, do the work well, then check out. I can work on my life instead of being obsessed with the product. I like the process as much or more than the product itself, even if I don't care for the product too much anymore. (I drank it without respect. The thrill was gone, as they say.) I do derive satisfaction from technical expertise and execution, hitting the numbers.

A sober industry person?

So we'll see where all this goes. I've been in my line of work for 10 years, but have an interest in agriculture. Can't kill yourself on Spinach, can you? :) Speaking of, I've been eating a pound a day. Feeling good.

All the best.

Edit: Oh, while I may technically be homeless at the end of the month, (it's well accepted where I am, car camping) I have a lead on a new apartment. Things sort of seem like they are on the up-and-up. Lots of challenges still though.

Hey Cellardweller, In your first statement you said there was something you hated about yourself. Im not sure about your case but most addicts dont wake up one morning and say, I think ill be an addict for the rest of my life. There's an underlieing issue and even if you stopped using and never delt with the issue that got you using in the first place, chances are your going to continue to use. You need to figure out what the problem is and deal with it and I believe after that is when your recovery can take hold and flourish. Good Luck my friend and ill keep you in my prayers.