I agree with you. I think I might know what it is, but it could be a few different things. That is something I will be needing to work on. At least now I can stop trying to numb it or drown it out. I'd been drunk a few times and mentioned these things to family but have never talked sober about any of it.

So much stuff to sort through. I think my moves across the country and to different jobs have been to "get away", physically and emotionally from where my discomfort is. Discomfort with people and myself, trying to reinvent myself, but the problems catch back up with me.

I've never been able to understand how so many people I've grown up with have a path that they know is "right". Or maybe are told is right. I've been chasing a dream of mine for a long time, but have seen the ugly side of that dream and feel like it may not be morally acceptable...but CHASE ON! Right? Well, that's what I've been doing.

It frightens me to go back to my home town. The years I left were difficult, lots of hard emotions. I listened to some music from those years and felt down. Lots of wonderful people I hurt, who I hope very much are happy now. Only onward, right? Not to have a pity party for myself.

Thank you for the support, and everyone up-thread too.

All the best.

I feel like I've been preaching AA meetings on all of my posts on here but..... you have said a few things that are straight out of the Big Book. I'm guessing if you've not been to any AA meetings or if so they have been few and you've probably never done a book study or worked with a sponsor. From what you've written, you exhibit pretty classic Alcoholic thinking and taking the actions of an active alcoholic. When your pain finally gets great enough please go to an AA meeting, ask for help, and listen and start working those steps you'll hear so much about.