Fed up of the guilt and shame. New to the forum.
 

Good morning everyone,

So I've hit rock bottom. You know that point where you wake up for the 100th time thinking, what the hell happened last night?

I've been a fairly heavy drinker since i was at university, I am now 30. I've always known I've had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, even back then I would drink to excess and not be able to control my consumption. I drank to feel good, to loose my inhibitions, to quieten down the negative thoughts in my head. Over the last couple of years I haven't been able to just have one, it's always drink until i can't remember - I am a binge drinker.

I have put myself in so many stupid situations and feel like i am in self destruct mode. Friday night was horrific. I went out with work colleagues for leaving drinks and i got off my face on wine and shots. Absolutely no self-control was shown on my part. I was out of control, had to be restrained and started punching walls (I am a girl). In what world is this a pleasurable experience? I have to sit in work today surrounded by people who have seen me at my lowest.

I don't need it, it doesn't do anything apart from making me miserable and i am fed up of my dependence on alcohol. This is day three of my recovery. Wish me luck.

I wish you luck, and more importantly, strength, ma'am. You're making the right decision -- full steam ahead.

Welcome. It will start to get better as you start to understand your triggers and continue to care for yourself.
Be good to yourself. xx.

Good luck! And good job on 3 days :)

I know exactly how you feel. Been there, done that, way too many times.

Welcome, Halcyonflux :)

Hi and welcome to the forum. Read around as much as you can. Start putting together a solid plan for how you will stay sober.

My advice for work is to apologize.

Dont ignore it, make excuses or make promises.

Just say that you are very sorry for putting them and yourself through that and mean it. In the same way you would mean it if a friend had done this to themselves.

If you really use this as a catylyst to change, which I believe you will, it will be the best night of your life.

Its hard work. Not to stop drinking, but to stay stopped.

Read up on your options, try a few, accept that you are not perfect or your neighbour, work hard at becoming your best self.

But above all -- decide today that you will never drink again and then never quit the decision. Ever. No matter what.

You got this.

Welcome!

Your story rings familiar to me, and will to many many others here.

The good news is that you can put all the guilt and shame behind you and live a life you can smile and be proud of, a life you can actually feel Joy and Gratitude for.

I know this because Ive been where you are and I left that behind with a choice to embrace sobriety.

Thank you all for your replies, it's nice to be in the company of people who understand.

Dropsie - Thank you for your advice, it really resonates with me. I have done exactly that this morning. I have appologised for my atrocious behavour, haven't made any excuses and plan to draw a line in the sand from this moment and move forward.

I was just thinking about that night being a turning point for me, that moment when you know you can't continue along a certain path without causing a lot of harm to yourself and others.

I have an addictive personality and am in counselling, this is going to be a long process but I've finally admitted i have a problem.

Thank you for your support :)

Welcome to SR. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing. :grouphug:

Hi FreeOwl,

This is my hope, that I don't have to be ashamed of my actions anymore, that I can approach life being completely in control of myself. That maybe i can find something outside of myself and feel thankful to be alive.

I am glad to hear that you have left all the negativity behind, that is such a massive achievement.

Welcome to the family. :) Best thing I ever did for myself was getting sober for good. I hope we can help you do the same. :hug:

The good news is you never have to feel like this again. Put a plan in place for when that moment comes (and it will come, usually Friday night at 5pm) and you flirt with the idea of drinking again. I've been sober for awhile and waking up feeling great never gets old.

Just to be clear; it's not ALL behind.... sometimes, negativity rears its head. Sometimes, even my past bubbles back up for me. Sometimes, I have to re-do the work of letting go....

But now I have a way to do that. Now I can recognize when it's happening. Now I can work a step again, or bring it to my therapist, or share about it with a sponsor or a friend or my Lady.

Now - instead of it weighing me down, I know to act on it - and the action is NOT to drink or drug or try to blot it out or escape from it.

Welcome to SR, lots of good advice above, and sounds like you have already started by apologizing at work, nicely done!

I have been on and off her for a few years, and had a few stretches of sobriety, however, once I had some time under my belt I started to think "What is the harm in one glass of wine..." I made the decision to make 2016 my first of many sober years, and with the help of SR and sticking to a plan I am on day 39 today.

Would love to have you along on this journey! Spend some time reading and posting, and also check out Dee's link about having a plan, that has been crucial for me to stick with my decision.

❤️Delilah

Welcome :grouphug:

Alcohol is a depressant and makes many people miserable. Some it just takes more than others to get to that miserable state.

When I drank moderately, I was ok. But when it became every day, the first drink was ok, but the rest made me hate everything. I dont know why I didnt see it sooner!

I'm so sorry. I can relate, I've definitely had way too much in front of work colleagues and had to face the music the next day. Best thing to do is apologize briefly, say it won't ever happen again, and then quit drinking so it never happens again.

Easier said than done for sure.

Welcome to the Forum Halcyonflux!! :wave: