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Hi Enfin I totally understand where you are at. Ever since I stopped drinking I have developed STONG feelings for a close family friend. I am in an unsatisfying marriage so THAT does not help. I have good / bad days and weeks concerning him. I find it easier if I consider him to be my new Drug. Avoiding him (to the best of my ability) is the key to avoiding feelings these emotions. The analogy is spot on the more I think about it. I have tried moderating the amount of time I spend with him.... I have banned myself from texting / ringing him .... Made sure I am not alone with him. I need to be mindful of my interactions with him. (contact with him is pretty much unavoidable due to family interaction). I find myself resenting the good times with him as they leave me wanting more. Our kids LOVE spending time together so it is EASY for me to justify spending time with him and we have fun. When it suits HIM we do great activities. Leaving me wanting more and my OBSESSIVE emotions going nuts. So my new strategy is I deserve more then "the crumbs" being offered to me in my relationships with him and my hubby.... but I need to look after me first. Stay sober and be mindful of my thoughts.. Just wanted you to l know you are not alone. |
I do think it's possible and even probable for an alcoholic or a person in general to be addicted to things that aren't substances. For instance, my mother doesn't drink at all because her dad was an alcoholic and she hates alcohol. But to me she seems addicted to drama, emotions/affection, hurting people like she's been hurt, and then being a victim and blaming everyone else for her being miserable and for hurting people, etc. My dad is an alcoholic and in some ways my mom's behavior and treatment of other people (including him) are just as bad if not worse than his is. Sometimes I wonder which one is enabling which one (but I guess they both enable each other). Anyway, in my own life I do feel like I am addicted to things or maybe it is just that I (and maybe all people to some extent?) feel empty inside sometimes or don't want to feel bad feelings etc. and so I turn to escape mechanisms. I am pregnant and not drinking right now. But I'm here because I do still wish I could drink and I feel like I'm a bit too obsessed with it in my mind. Because I have struggled on and off with drinking for a long time and I worry that after I'm no longer pregnant if I will go back to an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and not be a good mom. Because I have regrets about drinking in the past. And because even if I don't drink or use other substances (which I have used in the past but IMO not in an addictive way like I've used alcohol in the past, and not anytime in the remotely recent past or anything I obsess about or wish I could use), I still find ways of escaping and trying not to deal with pain or emotions. I think I used to purposefully try to feel emotions even if it was pain or drama etc. (much like my mom). But it was all kind of "fake" and invented emotions, probably so that I wouldn't have to deal with the real pain and emotions that were lurking underneath. Does that make sense? I would purposefully bring unnecessary drama to my life so that I wouldn't have to deal with the really hard stuff. But within the past 5 years some strange things have happened. I suffered a personal tragedy like none I had ever known and it really opened me up to having to deal with very real and raw pain that I couldn't just stuff away. And in the process I looked at my issues with my parents and had to deal with those feelings as well... mostly because they were so self-absorbed and awful to me during the time that I needed them most that I was forced to confront my anger and sadness at them for always being that way throughout my life, except that I had always thought it was somehow my fault, and now that I saw that they were just like that and it had nothing to do with me, I had to realize it was them, and in a way that was harder than thinking it was my fault. And the other thing that was strange is even though I was suffering through grief and mourning (and still am and probably always will be), otherwise my life has felt quite stable and happy and I just didn't have a need for unnecessary drama or pain when I was suffering enough of the necessary type already. So in many ways I feel that my issues with being addicted to up and down emotions, unnecessary emotional pain and drama, attracting the wrong kind of people into my life and keeping them there too long, etc. are pretty much over now but now I find myself "addicted" to reality TV, to food (I've probably always been addicted to food and/or had too much of an emotional connection or reaction to food), to mindlessly surfing the Internet, to just being lazy I guess. It's like a new way to stuff my feelings about real issues and not live my life to the fullest. Or else it's like life might feel kind of boring now and I have to replace one addiction with another or something, I don't know. So anyway I'm sorry I rambled so much and I don't know if I am helping or have much to contribute. But I could relate to what you were asking and I think the answer to your question is a definite yes. Good luck. |
Even if your husband won't consider counselling, would you - for you - enfin? D |
Originally Posted by Dee74
(Post 5757393)
Even if your husband won't consider counselling, would you - for you - enfin? D |
Originally Posted by LSC1
(Post 5757288)
Hi Enfin I totally understand where you are at. Ever since I stopped drinking I have developed STONG feelings for a close family friend. I am in an unsatisfying marriage so THAT does not help. I have good / bad days and weeks concerning him. I find it easier if I consider him to be my new Drug. Avoiding him (to the best of my ability) is the key to avoiding feelings these emotions. The analogy is spot on the more I think about it. I have tried moderating the amount of time I spend with him.... I have banned myself from texting / ringing him .... Made sure I am not alone with him. I need to be mindful of my interactions with him. (contact with him is pretty much unavoidable due to family interaction). I find myself resenting the good times with him as they leave me wanting more. Our kids LOVE spending time together so it is EASY for me to justify spending time with him and we have fun. When it suits HIM we do great activities. Leaving me wanting more and my OBSESSIVE emotions going nuts. So my new strategy is I deserve more then "the crumbs" being offered to me in my relationships with him and my hubby.... but I need to look after me first. Stay sober and be mindful of my thoughts.. Just wanted you to l know you are not alone. |
Originally Posted by yellowbrickroad
(Post 5757346)
I do think it's possible and even probable for an alcoholic or a person in general to be addicted to things that aren't substances. For instance, my mother doesn't drink at all because her dad was an alcoholic and she hates alcohol. But to me she seems addicted to drama, emotions/affection, hurting people like she's been hurt, and then being a victim and blaming everyone else for her being miserable and for hurting people, etc. My dad is an alcoholic and in some ways my mom's behavior and treatment of other people (including him) are just as bad if not worse than his is. Sometimes I wonder which one is enabling which one (but I guess they both enable each other). Anyway, in my own life I do feel like I am addicted to things or maybe it is just that I (and maybe all people to some extent?) feel empty inside sometimes or don't want to feel bad feelings etc. and so I turn to escape mechanisms. I am pregnant and not drinking right now. But I'm here because I do still wish I could drink and I feel like I'm a bit too obsessed with it in my mind. Because I have struggled on and off with drinking for a long time and I worry that after I'm no longer pregnant if I will go back to an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and not be a good mom. Because I have regrets about drinking in the past. And because even if I don't drink or use other substances (which I have used in the past but IMO not in an addictive way like I've used alcohol in the past, and not anytime in the remotely recent past or anything I obsess about or wish I could use), I still find ways of escaping and trying not to deal with pain or emotions. I think I used to purposefully try to feel emotions even if it was pain or drama etc. (much like my mom). But it was all kind of "fake" and invented emotions, probably so that I wouldn't have to deal with the real pain and emotions that were lurking underneath. Does that make sense? I would purposefully bring unnecessary drama to my life so that I wouldn't have to deal with the really hard stuff. But within the past 5 years some strange things have happened. I suffered a personal tragedy like none I had ever known and it really opened me up to having to deal with very real and raw pain that I couldn't just stuff away. And in the process I looked at my issues with my parents and had to deal with those feelings as well... mostly because they were so self-absorbed and awful to me during the time that I needed them most that I was forced to confront my anger and sadness at them for always being that way throughout my life, except that I had always thought it was somehow my fault, and now that I saw that they were just like that and it had nothing to do with me, I had to realize it was them, and in a way that was harder than thinking it was my fault. And the other thing that was strange is even though I was suffering through grief and mourning (and still am and probably always will be), otherwise my life has felt quite stable and happy and I just didn't have a need for unnecessary drama or pain when I was suffering enough of the necessary type already. So in many ways I feel that my issues with being addicted to up and down emotions, unnecessary emotional pain and drama, attracting the wrong kind of people into my life and keeping them there too long, etc. are pretty much over now but now I find myself "addicted" to reality TV, to food (I've probably always been addicted to food and/or had too much of an emotional connection or reaction to food), to mindlessly surfing the Internet, to just being lazy I guess. It's like a new way to stuff my feelings about real issues and not live my life to the fullest. Or else it's like life might feel kind of boring now and I have to replace one addiction with another or something, I don't know. So anyway I'm sorry I rambled so much and I don't know if I am helping or have much to contribute. But I could relate to what you were asking and I think the answer to your question is a definite yes. Good luck. Thanks so much for contributing, it has helped me a lot to read. . ... take care x |
Originally Posted by enfinthechange
(Post 5758894)
Hey, glad to see u getting sober for the new life... it will be worth it! Sounds like u have a lot of stuff to work through, this place is an excellent resource, it helps so.much to know u are not alone and others get your perspective.... just look at how people have helped me here. Thanks so much for contributing, it has helped me a lot to read. . ... take care x |
You can do this Enfin!! :) |
Of course! Gambling. |
:) |
As many others have stated you are not alone. I think it's safe to say we here at SR have addictive personalities. Whenever I do something it's all or nothing. When I was drinking, my whole life revolved around drinking. When I stopped, I was on the internet all day, everyday (I don't know why, I can't stand computers). I use smokeless tobacco. That has since increased 10 fold. A new hobby, I went overboard as usual. Relationships are different. Since quitting drinking, I have became detached quite a bit as I just feel better alone than socializing. I'm sure this is a phase as I like to be socialable. I didn't offer much for advice, but wanted to share that you are not alone. I know exactly what your going through. It will be nice to get to the place where we are not replacing one item (insert anything here) with another (alcohol / drugs). |
Originally Posted by Charlie117926
(Post 5771638)
As many others have stated you are not alone. I think it's safe to say we here at SR have addictive personalities. Whenever I do something it's all or nothing. When I was drinking, my whole life revolved around drinking. When I stopped, I was on the internet all day, everyday (I don't know why, I can't stand computers). I use smokeless tobacco. That has since increased 10 fold. A new hobby, I went overboard as usual. Relationships are different. Since quitting drinking, I have became detached quite a bit as I just feel better alone than socializing. I'm sure this is a phase as I like to be socialable. I didn't offer much for advice, but wanted to share that you are not alone. I know exactly what your going through. It will be nice to get to the place where we are not replacing one item (insert anything here) with another (alcohol / drugs). |
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