My Story so far...
 

My Story

I'm a 30 year old Australian guy with a 15 year history of Alcohol and Drug problems. Right now I am engaged to the love of my life and have my own place for the first time. I have a good relationship with my family finally after years of strain and hurt. Sounds ok right? But here I am drinking cheap wine alone in my garage. In the last 6 years I have been to prison twice, been in mental health facilities 4 times and attempted to take my own life. Over 10 years I have tried 12 rehabs and graduated one ( the 28 day one of course..) All because of alcohol. The times I went to prison I cannot remember the crime. I was in a blackout. I drove my car, people got hurt in fights. I wake up in police cells shaking with no idea what happened. Oh I always find out and oh the shame.. In my time I have also been a heavy pot smoker, a Benzo dependent doctor shopper and a intravenous amphetamine user. I have held down a few fantastic jobs and eaten in some of the best restaurants in Sydney, and I've also been homeless and eaten out of rubbish bins. Its sad writing this, I always blame the world and my inability to adjust to it but at the end of the day it's my problem because I cannot take a single thing that changes the way I feel without becoming hopelessly addicted to it.
Currently I have been out of prison nearly a year and things have been ok, compared to the past, yet I just can't stop drinking. It's a pattern of relapsing after a few weeks, even 3 months then everything starting again. I have just turned 30. When I drink now there doesn't seem to be the anger there was. I just become physically dependent very quickly. When I stop I shake. It's awful as many would know. The absolute horrors. There used to be the shame and utter humiliation but these days I just stay at home when I drink. And wake and shake and make the same mistake.. Drink that morning beer. Things aren't crumbling. My new fiancée is just starting to see the reality of my alcoholism. It's horrible for her to watch. I'm not a bad guy sober. Well so people say.
I honestly just wanted to share my story and say my name is Sean and I'm an Alcoholic and an addict and I need help. Thanks for reading.

Welcome Sean! This is a great place to find what you are looking for.

Hi Sean and Welcome,

I'm glad you found us. I'm sure you're not a bad guy at all. It's what alcohol does to us that causes so many problems in our lives. Have you had counselling when you were in the mental health facilities? I wonder if therapy or counselling could help you because it seems there must be underlying issues that you need to deal with.

It sounds like you would need to do a medical detox, but we're here to support you if you're ready to stop drinking.

Thanks so much for your posts. Anna, I am ready. I have had so much counselling and support but I always seem to crumble when it comes to the first drink. I will be trying. I just think some people are destined to self destruct. I'm not being negative bit this forum as well as the ppl I've heard at aa/na over the years that are in recovery have always made me jealous. I know I can do it but I don't know how. I guess Mabye I've got to detox. Thanks again for the posts guys. I'm so stoked I found this site

Good to meet you, Sean. You sound ready to do this - and we know you can.

I drank 30 yrs. I couldn't imagine my life without it - yet I couldn't explain why I thought I needed it. It almost destroyed me before I let go of it. Being here, trading ideas with people who really understood, made all the difference. Keep talking to us - you can get free and have a great life.

Welcome Sean.

I will be 30 next month and have 33 days sober. My life is similar to yours with jail, blacking out all due to alcohol. I will be the first to admit that it get's better once you start getting sober but you have to really want it and do it for yourself. We are still young and have alot ahead of us. Why not start now and not pick up that first drink.

Hi Sean, glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your story, know you are not alone in this.

Welcome. We are here to help.

Let's take it one day at a time for now.... what will you do TODAY to support your sobriety?

Hi Sean. Welcome.

Hello Sean, and welcome. Here you will find lots of support and encouragement, even on your hardest days. We all have one common goal, to improve our lives by leaving alone the thing that has worked at destroying our lives. You are more than deserving of a better life, alcohol free. Thanks for sharing your story, we are here for you.

Thanks for the posts. It's always good knowing others are with you. Can I ask Ghostface or others, what are the thoughts/events that motivated you to not drink, even know you could if you wanted.
Thanks

Welcome Sean!

Here's some of the things that motivate us:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4971272

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5609160

Some things I've done is try thinking of activities that I can do that do not involve drinking, for instance, a good 20 to 30 minute walk can kill of a craving and buy you some time. There's also the HALT method, I'll look for the link but I'm sure someone will post it for you immediately. The third would be to tell yourself everyday, although it sounds corny, that you love yourself and you are going to take good care of yourself. If you're like me, you've probably never felt that you loved yourself or showed that you care about yourself. Try that, it has worked for me. Also remember that although there's lots of good advice on here, you may still need to change a few things to make it work for you personally, as each of us are different and have had things that work for us that may not have worked for another. Biggest thing, don't beat yourself up and don't give up even if you make a mistake! That's what trying again is for. :)

Welcome to forum
Great title for the post btw, especially the "so far" because it touches on the idea that we can decide to be consciously in control of what comes next, how to engineer the rest, our ability to use Now and every day going forward , to go forward :) We get that what we've done in the past doesn't work to build a happier healthier way to be so going backward certainly won't help , although at times it feels like we just can't quite get to the point to make going forward 'work'.
But all that comes from the addiction trying to hold on and stay around , you Do Not have to let It. You can decide to leave it behind for good.
Learning about RR and AVRT when I found SR really resonated and helped me to decide to leave it all behind. There are some great threads about those ideas in the Secular Connections forum here on SR, I recommend checking them out.
Log in often ,ask, post read wish you well and hope to,see you around
You can make the parts after 'so far' awesome , you really can, rootin for ya

Sean- a few of the things that stop me from drinking even though I can is my family. The last drink night I was pretty wasted and said some horrible, cruel, and painful things to my husband because he called me out on my drinking. I was also very short tempered with my son. The next morning I woke up and realized that my family might be better off without me around if I was going to treat them with verbal abuse. That stopped me.
I've also realized that I was waking up with a hangover 4+ times a week and my ability to think and perform at work were taking a beating because it's tough to think strategically when your brain is fried from the binge the night before.
I've only been sober 24 days, but there is such a sense of freedom! I don't have to worry about hiding my bottles of wine. Sneaking to the store to make sure I have enough before I started for the day. I don't have to worry about making an ass of myself in front of people. I'm looking forward to going to dinner and parties and not looking like a drunk fool, so the people who "know I had a problem and never said anything" will see a whole different side of me! It should be interesting.

Just a few. ...

Jail
Financial ruin
Loss of jobs
Dui
Don't get to see my kids

One of those should have been enough to quit, but I waited till the very bottom to get "motivation". I suggest everyone gets off the elevator many floors before mine. But we all are unique in our paths, and in the end, the reason isn't as important as it seems. Can't change the past, just make today the best we can.

Thanks so much for the posts and links guys, it really means a lot to me and I've found it very helpful just to connect. In retrospect it was a silly question. Not being able to see your children really puts things in perspective compared to not being able to stop shaking.. I've taken a beating from this, I really have but I don't want this to continue. It's like watching a movie of yourself. I'm screaming at the main character to pull up and make the right decision for once. It's just so damn hard when the horrors the next day are a reality. So what I'm going to do is STOP. I know how hard it's going to be but I've done it so many times before, but I think for me the one step I need to take is LISTENING to what ppl say to me. I need to stop my own way because it never works. Ever. I'm ready to wake up tomorrow shaking and feeling the "oh gods" and just ride it until the weekends past. On Monday I will be 4 days if I follow this plan. I can sit in bed shaking and feeling horrendous, what I can't do is go back to prison or lose my family

Nice to meet you Sean

Hi Sean nice to meet you! 😊

Welcome aboard Sean :)

D