Perfect mums - secret alcoholics
 

I didn't realise to this day how common this is and how many of us good wife's and mums hiding this terrible secret. I'm honestly shocked and couldn't sleep last night thinking about it . Is it boredom, loneliness, routine at home , or just simply addiction led us to where we are now ? I know I was mostly bored of a routine , felt lonely as hubby worked so much , stressed over kids etc , the glass of wine in my hand felt so good , I'm one of these people who love the shape of wine glasses , how it feels holding it and I was truly obsessed with my wine glasses , and the drink inside it it was divine, I used to swish it in my glass before drinking and just admiring how it looks like .What are your stories mums ?

Mines not a pretty image. Beer cans all over the place, cigarettes and ashtrays. Dirty house, half painted rooms because booze was more important. I definitely don't feel like a good mom.

I think your romanticism of your alcoholism is a dangerous path

I actually developed ocd to keep my home and myself as clean as possible because it felt I was hiding it better that way , probably to mask my guilty night drinking. I feel like my clear thinking is coming back and I try to analyse my behaviour but I still need long time to understand anything.

How long have you been sober for?

I wasn't a "bad" mom.... but I am an excellent mom when I don't drink.

I LOVE living in a sober world... there are so many positives. My kids love me when I am sober, because I have so much energy, enthusiasm, and the list goes on.

You are right soberwolf, I realise that 😔

Sorry for autocorrect I don't know how to fix it lol , this strange word comes up all the time when I type. Back to the topic , technically I'm sober for 3 days , but I count it as 2 days because I joined this forum yesterday

There was a good thread about this a while back, I am not sure if this is the article that was posted but it speaks to this.

I agree with sober wolf, I tried to be careful about speaking glowingly about the thing that had brought me to my knees. I had the image of the chic NYC chick having a glass of wine at a happening bar.

The reality was a lukewarm glass of congealed liquid on the nightstand, mascara streaks down my face and a pit in my stomach because I couldn't remember what I said the night before. Or my handyman finding 18 empty bottles hidden in the box with the pool cushions in the basement. Or searching in the attic for old maternity clothes because I was so bloated and had gained so much weight.

The sparkle now is in my clear skin and eyes. What twinkles is my daughter's laugh because I am able to really be present. And fitting into my old skinny jeans makes me feel chic. And all of this is sustainable and real. I don't miss feeling like I needed a glass in my hands, god it owned me. There isn't a cut crystal glass in the world that feels as good as being comfortable in your own skin!!

Mummy was a Secret Drinker: Why so many well educated, middle aged women drink too much

I don't feel the same way about my wine glasses and wine and all the alcohol. I'm not comfortable to say what happened that it gave me this huge wake up call , but I truly dreading another sip of alcohol and don't want to see another glass in my house . I know I'm changed person now

Perhaps you should throw or give away all those wine glasses as they seem to be a trigger. When I quit smoking I had to do that with my beloved ash trays. I had beautiful cut crystal ash trays. I don't miss them.

I did it already. There is nothing alcohol related in my house anymore. Not even smallest glass:)

I started getting drunk every day after I lost my job. I had a horrible boss and it was a lousy company... I should have been jumping for joy rather than drinking. In the end I got the best job of my life and the best boss I've ever had and I've been at this company for 5+ years now.

However, the heavy drinking started in October 2009 and didn't stop until January 2015. By the grace of God I was able to function through it all until I finally decided to quit once and for all.

Yes, it was a lot depression and boredom at first and later throw loneliness in the mix as well. Empty nest, husband who is gone almost every weekend pursuing his passion, loss of desire to pursue my own passions.

I still fight that urge to waste away an afternoon in a Scotch-induced fog.

I am a happier person now. I don't want to waste anymore time being drunk.

Yup, I had that image of the perfect mom/career woman. A single mom at that. The dirty little secret is that inside I was dying. I felt so much shame and exhaustion...and then there was my teen's growing concern and anger. The fact is, you can only keep up that facade for so long and mine was starting to crumble.
Why did I drink? Everything you mentioned. I thought of drinking as my reward after a long day.

Anyhow, I'm getting close to a month sober and I can say that this is soooo much better. I feel like a new person already. I'm really glad I made this choice for myself!

Delfin

Thank you for sharing ElleDee

Well done Delfin

Raising children is the hardest job ever, I think and none of us ever does everything right.

3 days sober is a good start.

I sincerely thought that I had to do it all alone. I had asked enough of my loved ones and it was time to stand up and parent my kids and take care of everyone else. Fine, but I forgot to take care of myself. I spent most of my children's lives high. I wanted to be the perfect parent, the perfect Mom and the perfect wife. I lost all those things. My children live with their Father and his new wife and I'm headed back to rehab for the third time.

You don't have to do this alone. Keep coming here, keep talking. Hopefully the more we talk, the easier it will be to remove the stigma.

While this is not an issue for me, I will chime in.

My youngest goes to a private school where many of the moms do not work. Said moms hang out together during the day and drink away. This is not just the occasional drink, I mean hang out at the winery on a regular basis while the kiddos are in school. Then go home and drink some more, or to the club in the evening for dinner and coctails.

For some it's not become a problem. For a few of them, you can see the alcoholism progressing. Truly, this addiction knows no boundaries, and knows no social classes.

Thank you guys. I really want to talk more about it but it is very hard at first because I never spoke or written about it ever , it's so shameful to say it out loud . Also I don't want to overload this forum with my posts lol even the first time typing my story and my thoughts felt incredibly better , like some huge weight lifted off my chest. I will try to open up more in the future and I'm really trying and learning to talk about this . Bear with me :)

Don't worry I littered the place with my little stories and still have a ton that just have not come up yet. Everyone is great about it.

Edit to add: I was amazed how supportive people were. Also amazed how often I I thought wow me to, or someone said that to a comment I made.

Fellow mother here (single mother but with a very healthy and supportive relationship with their father) I have two boys and am far from perfect but get everything done that I need to.
I wake up in the morning, make a hot breakfast, get the kids dressed, myself dressed, make up on, hair done, off to school like a good mommy, I volunteer at the school teaching English, I pick them up every day, on time, get them to karate and swim lessons, make super birthday cakes, cook a 3 course dinner (standard here in Italy), bath time, read to them every night, bedtime kisses. All the while I am a drunken mess- or was, I hope this time my sobriety lasts.
What I will tell you is this, one little story.
A few months ago I had a dinner with friends who brought their daughter. I cooked a delicious meal, set a beautiful table, we sat outside and talked and played, after dinner we played a great game of hide and seek with the kids, all the while I was getting more and more tipsy and then more and more drunk. I started to get obnoxious and annoying. My one son started getting annoyed and tired and I forced them off to bed, skipping the story and being really rude and demanding that they just sleep so I could go back out to my dinner party and sleep. I shut the bedroom door and went outside. The party ended, I cleaned up and passed out.
The next morning I woke up and noticed that the hand painted portrait of me that my 5 year old had given me for mother's day was crumbled into a ball on my bedroom floor. He may have just been mad that I made him go to bed, and I tired to convince myself of that for days. But in my heart of hearts I think he knew, even at 5 years old, that something wasn't right with mommy and he didn't like it.
To this day it is a heartbreakingly crushing memory.

Tell your own story in your own time, no push, no rush. Expect lots of support as that is what SR is here for. To support and encourage each other. Most that come here for addiction issues already have guilt and shame, no one needs any added to it.

Hugs to you!!!!!

:hug: Gjess

Keep writing. This place is a cathartic realm for so many of us.

I'm writing from the perspective as a father. I have a wonderful 8 year old boy, a supportive ex and a wonderful girlfriend. I have a high pressure but exiting job. I live in a terrific city. And yet...

One of the (many) lies we tell ourselves is that we have a drinking problem but still are wonderful parents. I think it's simply not true. Not that I'm a bad father - I'm open and giving, sensitive etc. But drinking prevents me from being the best I can be. Basketball in the park on a Saturday morning is a joke bc I'm so hungover. I fall asleep during movies. He sighs when I stop by the liquor store. There's so much I give but much more I'm denying and losing bc of the poison.

Thank you for this post. Stay strong.

I should probably add this as well . By saying perfect mums I meant more like from other people's perspective how they see us , unsuspecting people

The sham of the perfect mom eventually gives way. Forgotten bottles (even though in my case, I was pretty meticulous), once and while slip ups when that buzzed feeling that puts you in control without slurring (yes, we become professional at it) gives way to obvious drunkenness, the gradual declining to drive a kid to a place because you would rather risk looking odd to your child than drive drunk, whole programs like t-ball blown off because, again, even though you paid, you have enough sense not to drive loaded. I wonder how much further I would have gone to where I would have driven drunk. I did drive drunk alone, but I figured I only had myself to hurt. that was wrong, I know, because I could have hurt others. I never drove totally drunk or blacked out. I realize it doesn't matter. Buzzed is drunk. I got stopped at a road block once or whatever it is they check at for drunken drivers. Based on my car and my whatever, they almost immediately waved me on. Talk about profiling. they never suspected that I had alcohol in my body (trace amounts) and open bottles in the car. Instead, I looked like the nice little suburban house wife driving a mom car. Now, if I Looked different and drove a different car, I probably would have been asked to blow the breathalyzer. I feel almost guilty for passing so much.

I drank for numbness and escape. I was not bored and often got behind on tasks because once I began drinking, suddenly, I would make excuses for not doing the tasks. I never got so far behind that I was dinged at work or something. I'm sure it was just one of the many "Yets" that I hadn't reached but would have.

Hey Gjess, I think it is great that your are posting. I remember the first time I was here, it was a mixture of a sense of relief because I felt like others understood, while wrestling with the fact that I did not want to be like them.

I looked at it this way. My life was going to change either way. Alcohol abuse is progressive, so my life was as good as it was ever going to be while drinking, and would get worse. The scarier choice was a life without alcohol, jeez that was bleak and colorless, I was petrified.

Most of us fall into the trap of immediate gratification and the longer we drink the more we reinforce that pattern. "I'll just drink today, or at the birthday or wedding next week and "then" I will figure it out". Except "then" never comes and life ebbs away as we merely go through the motions, patching together enough bits of normalcy to try to maintain the status quo. It is so exhausting, so colorless, and it is lonely, I don't care how many people you are surrounded by, the drink that you carry is always the focus.

There are a lot of people who struggle privately. I have told people close to me about my journey when it felt right, it is an accomplishment. Some people have commented that they wondered why I disappeared in those last few years of drinking, I think my absence spoke just as loudly as if I had been drunkenly present. I have taken my time reengaging, but I have never laughed harder or felt more connected to people than I have since I stopped making alcohol the center of my life.

SR is an amazing place for support. We come from all walks of life all over the world, but the fact that someone is there 24/7 is so very helpful. Welcome!!!

It's funny actually my hubby don't drink at all , but I would call him enabler of my lifestyle. Of course he never knew how much I actually drank and doesn't know about many nights when I drank while he was asleep . But he never said a word when I would get wasted at the parties or even drinking on a Skype calls with my friends who live far away . Ugh I'm so glad it's over . I even went to the dreaded shop today where I used to buy my booze , I felt happy and refreshed looking cashier in the eye just like I was an ordinary person and not that drunk who made sure to get the bottle of wine before shop closed

perfect mom
 

wow! this describes me so well. I drank wine at the end of each day actually started at 3 before the kids started home from school and continued to drink while making dinner and after. I had a few episodes where I blacked out or fell asleep and my kids could not wake me. very scary I am sure. I too felt stressed and tired and bored. Funny thing is since I quit 2 months ago I have not been bored once and have actually been doing more things both around the house and just out and about. I am much happier and healthier and the biggest thing is my teenager has noticed and I feel like we r connecting better. I have known other mothers that got in so deep they went to jail and mandatory rehab so missed a big chunk of their kids lives . my advice to new moms ....yes it is stressful and at times boring but drinking only makes the situation 100 times worse. not only do u lose the time your are drunk but also the hangover period which we all know means you cant function at all. to be present is the best gift you can give your children.

Just take your time Gjess, remember its a marathon not a sprint. I'm an impulsive person by nature but I've had to learn that there's no quick fix and I concentrate on being present. Thanks for sharing. When I look at other friends posts on FB now they are so full of the glorification and adoration of wine...That was me not so long ago but finally got sense. I didn't have a huge lightbulb moment and there were plenty of rock bottoms in my 20's 30's and early 40's that should have made me wake up but at 48 its never too late. My longest sobriety period in the last 5 months were 80 days. I'm now nearly 40 so hoping to beat my best.

I've been on this path for 5 months now and the difference in how I parent in the evenings and weekends are like night and day. I can read bedtime stories without falling asleep on his bed , I remember everything I did the night before. I am more prepared for the working/school day from the night before. No more phone checks for texts and fb posts with my anxiety through the roof in the middle of the night. I love waking without hangovers. I was recently so jet lagged and it was the closest memory to hanging...I hope beyond hope that I won't ever hang again!

Mind yourself and be kind, lovely to share with all of you Mum's ( and Dad's!)
I saw a pic last night on a 12 steps fb page and it was a pic of a child sitting on the floor with their head between their hands and the script was " If your reward for being a parent is booze. You're doing it wrong."
Sometimes those hard hitting posts are exactly that.

Take care all x