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Meraviglioso 07-28-2015 07:02 AM

Relationship issues
 
I've said it before and will say it again, I think my boyfriend is the most wonderful person I have ever known. He is smart, funny, kind, loving, he never hesitates to admit when he is wrong or apologize, he is healthy, in shape, he drinks as a typical Italian but in a healthy way, one glass of wine with lunch, one glass at dinner, he cares for me and is respectful, he is good to my children and loves them… he is amazing.
He has only one fault, ok two. His table manners are atrocious, but we've agreed to get beyond that. But more importantly he simply does not care that I am an alcoholic. This is proving to be very difficult for me. My psychologist says I am looking for a father figure, but I disagree. I just want him to be with me on this journey.
He has always said "I love you, I love you completely. I know you have a problem but I love you no matter what" I wish he would CARE more. That he would see what I am doing to myself and say "I love you and I cannot stand by and watch you hurt yourself like this" A shake me by the shoulders kind of deal. But no, he simply doesn't care. If he comes to my house and I am drunk he leaves saying "you are drunk, I don't want to be around you" but the next day he sends me messages or calls "my love, I hope you are feeling ok, I can't wait to see you"
I have tried talking to him about his but he just doesn't get it or want to hear about it.
Today I had an appointment with the doctor at the rehab center (the one he told me not to go to) after having gone yesterday for a meeting with the addiction psychologist. I went to his house for lunch and he asked me how it went. He then said "you must want a drink, do you want wine or beer?"
I almost feel as if I would be better off getting clean on my own. I love him, dearly. He is amazing. But this is a very big deal and I don't know how to handle it.
We never fight, never. He is as good as gold, I would be horrified to lose him and his support in so many other areas of my life. But his lack of support for my sobriety is crushing. I remember I got to 46 days once, I was celebrating inside and he really could have cared less. I sort of feel like I need support or I need to be alone. It is heartbreaking to think of leaving someone so amazing who treats me so well in all other areas though.

ScottFromWI 07-28-2015 07:17 AM

It's very difficult for others to understand addiction Mera. And it's really not possible for anyone else to "care" you to sobriety....you need to do that for yourself. Perhaps you need to expand your support to include some face to face local support? Being around other people in person who understand what you are going through can be key...and unfortunaely our spouses/significant others may never truly understand, even though they do care very much for us.

Soberwolf 07-28-2015 07:21 AM

^^^^^^^^^^^^

Meraviglioso 07-28-2015 07:27 AM


Originally Posted by ScottFromWI (Post 5485882)
It's very difficult for others to understand addiction Mera. And it's really not possible for anyone else to "care" you to sobriety....you need to do that for yourself. Perhaps you need to expand your support to include some face to face local support? Being around other people in person who understand what you are going through can be key...and unfortunaely our spouses/significant others may never truly understand, even though they do care very much for us.

Thank you Scott. Tonight I will go to the local AA meeting to seek support. Unfortunately where I am there is only one meeting a week, at a difficult time, but right now my children are away on holiday with their father. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up with my participation, but I will go tonight. The meetings are Tusdays at 21:30. I will try.

That said, I do wish the person closest to me could try and understand. As my psychologist said though, I have to accept he is acting as an adult. My problems are mine and mine alone.

zjw 07-28-2015 07:43 AM

love is blind.

My wife is overweight and will say i dunno how you could possibly love me when i look like this etc.. and the thing is I dont see it not like she does anyhow. Shes a lot more critical of herself then anyone else. we can be our own worst enemies. Sometimes we need to be more compassionate with ourselves. I love my wife however she is at any given time its irrelevant to me if shes fat thin ugly etc... i love her for everything that she is. her pefect imperfections and all etc..

But what gets me is this statement.


If he comes to my house and I am drunk he leaves saying "you are drunk, I don't want to be around you"
Maybe your just really unenjoyable to be around and he doesnt want to condone your behaivior or validate it by being around you when your in this condition. Maybe this is his tough love approach etc. or he's doing it for his and your own good.

Anna 07-28-2015 07:44 AM

Mera, I understand that it would be nice to have your boyfriend support your efforts. But, it's not essential. You have his unconditional love, so use that love to do this for yourself.

I found out early on that my husband had no interest in my addiction, in why it happened or how to help. He simply wanted me to get better. To him, this was all about me, my problem and I needed to fix it. Over all these years, we have very rarely talked about it. So, it's become a very personal journey for me and I'm happy about that.

Rio97 07-28-2015 07:44 AM

I think I know what you're getting at Mera. You wish he would beg you to quit, see it for the dire situation it really is. I've run into this myself and is definitely frustrating. It may be denial on their part, it may be they don't know the whole story about your drinking - how much, how it makes you feel, stupid things you do, etc.

One thing is clear, many non-alcoholics just don't understand. I've tried explaining it to them, and they just look at me with this confused look on their face and get uncomfortable. I think it's why it's important to seek out and talk to other alcoholics who do understand.

Ruby2 07-28-2015 07:54 AM

Would you feel better if your boyfriend micromanaged your efforts? That he tsked tsked you and chided you when you have been drinking?

I think he's giving you support though you cannot see it. He's setting healthy boundaries for himself. If he sees You've been drinking, he leaves but checks in with you the next day. He reassures you that he loves you. He shows caring and warmth.

Our journey is our own. He can't get you to where you want to go. He's telling you that he loves you no matter what and is seeming to give you the space to do so.

I tried managing my husband's efforts or lack thereof to get sober. It doesn't work. And I'm an alcoholic and should understand better what he's going through. Your boyfriend is seemingly a normal drinker. Most normal drinkers have no idea what it's like.

What specific things do you want him to do for you? You could ask if he is willing to do those things but don't be surprised if he doesn't. He cannot be more invested in your sobriety than you are.

I'm glad you have face to face support, even if it's once a week. If there are other women there, try to get their numbers.

Be well.

Tracy999 07-28-2015 08:05 AM

I understand what you want from him but it doesn't work that way. This IS your problem and IS your journey and he doesn't have to be a part of it. It sounds to me like he's treating you like an adult.

I highly recommend seeking out other alcoholics that understand and can support you and give you the validation you seek.

What concerned me about your post is that he offered you a drink. He will have to understand that he can't do that to you. He doesn't have to truly understand addiction or the "why" but he does have to understand he just can't do that to you.

If you were a vegetarian and he made you steak for dinner it would be beyond insensitive and rude. Offering you a drink is the same thing.

However, you have to make sure you've been clear with him on it. No alcohol, ever. Which means YOU have to be committed to it as well. You can't expect him to read your mind. I've quit on Tuesday but I'm drunk on Thursday. Flip flopping will confuse anyone AND cause them not to take you seriously.

doggonecarl 07-28-2015 08:31 AM


Originally Posted by Meraviglioso (Post 5485864)
But his lack of support for my sobriety is crushing.

You clearly have expectations of support of a certain kind from your boyfriend. What would have liked his response to have been at the 46 day mark?

And was it his lack of support that really derailed your sobriety? Or was it your resentment over unmet expectations?

He can't be a mind reader on this. You say you have communicated your desire for more support. If you have clearly defined what you mean by support, meaning, "I want you to _____________," then I really don't know what to offer, except This is who he is. Accept him as unconditionally as he's apparently accepting you.

Meraviglioso 07-28-2015 08:39 AM

Wow, thank you so much to everyone who replied. I needed to hear that. Heis amazing and I need to learn to accept the support he does give me. I will continue to seek out support from others like me.

Cauliflower 07-28-2015 08:57 AM


Originally Posted by Ruby2 (Post 5485926)
He cannot be more invested in your sobriety than you are.

I loved what Ruby said, because in reality, this is your journey
If I was in his shoes, and loved the person with all my heart and soul, it would upset me, and I would not know what to do. He may just not know what to do but love you. Is that not enough?

TroyW 07-28-2015 09:07 AM

Hey Merv,

I've somewhat been though this myself, and unfortunately for us, that's just not the way it goes down. You need to do this for yourself, and nobody else.

This reminds me of when I was living in Malta (just south of Italy). I hated Budapest, but decided to be as close as I could to my husband, so moved myself to Malta. I flew us back and forth when needed.

I remember the one time, I was hurting pretty bad, and intentionally left the apartment in a state of disarray just when he returned to Malta. Beer cans literally every where. I guess it was my way of saying, "I'm in pain, please help". Didn't work though. There were also times I was contemplating telling him to stop talking to me if I drank, etc.

For us, alcoholism is our own internal struggle that we must face ourselves. Nobody can help us, and it's up to us to buck up and face the music. There will definitely be people there to support you, but it's up to us to change ourselves.

Regardless of what you do, please take care of yourself!

Meraviglioso 07-28-2015 11:00 AM

I'm so afraid. I've been drinking. Will they take me in at AA or will I be offensive?

TroyW 07-28-2015 11:06 AM

All depends. Do you act like an idiot when you're drunk, or are you fairly cordial?

Meraviglioso 07-28-2015 11:07 AM

I'm ok, Not sober, but ok.

Meraviglioso 07-28-2015 11:08 AM

I want help though. I give up. I cannot do this alone.

Verte 07-28-2015 11:16 AM

Hi Mera,

When I decided I had to stop drinking, I did not lay any expectations at my husband's feet. Except, unavoidably, abstinence and recovery work demanded a lot from everyone in my life. It was my decision and he was along for the ride. With every new feeling, emotion, moment of clarity, I had an urge to 'do' something about it. Change something to make it feel better? What I really needed to do was hang in there and ride through the emotions.

What you are seeing and feeling today may very well be different tomorrow. When we are in a relationship, the other has to 'ride it out' and adjust along with us. Even though drinking and cessation were our choices, it has an impact on everyone around us. After 15 months without alcohol I can see clearly how this is asking a lot of another person.

We need to be gentle and patient with those who are adjusting in our lives as well as ourselves. Like others said, today you want more push but tomorrow you may want everyone to get off your back. If you accept this ebb and flow for yourself it may make the variety of emotions you feel towards your BF a bit easier to accept. Oh, the moodiness!

I promise you that I am happy that I did not act out the many impulses of early sobriety. And I am equally happy that my SO stuck all this time out with me. The ups and downs, ebbs and flows did even out, precisely because I was sober and finally able to learn something from myself.

Hang in there. Try not to be afraid of the things that are not yet here. It may feel difficult but the reward for doing so is spectacular.

:grouphug:

TroyW 07-28-2015 11:17 AM

If you act like a decent human, although maybe a bit off, I'm sure the AA group will be happy to have you. Just head over to the AA meeting, and don't worry, you'll be fine. :)

And yeah, I'm same boat as you. Can't do this alone either.

Meraviglioso 07-28-2015 11:37 AM

I'm literally on my knees. I am begging for help.

ScottFromWI 07-28-2015 11:41 AM


Originally Posted by Meraviglioso (Post 5486153)
I'm literally on my knees. I am begging for help.

Are you sober enough to get yourself to the meeting? I am sure that you could call ahead and arrange a ride if you need it too.

Tracy999 07-28-2015 12:15 PM

If you are "ok" and not disruptive go to the meeting. While you are there get a list of numbers and a temporary sponsor. Go early or stay late and find another woman you can talk to.

You don't have to do this alone.

((Hugs))

StrongEnough 07-28-2015 12:23 PM

Some people might not like this, but I need to say this. AA meetings aren't a place for somebody who's under the influence. You need a period of sobriety to become a part of the community as your true self, rather than a version of yourself that's emotionally and physically impaired with alcohol.

We're all here for you on this site no matter what you choose, but I think your AA experience will be the most helpful if you begin it with an unclouded mind.

You really matter, please stay strong.

Meraviglioso 07-28-2015 02:13 PM

I went to the meeting and am so glad I did. There were only 4 people and one had a medical emergency while there. We called the ambulance but I rubbed his back and thanked him for being there. The leader of the group was a young woman similar in age to me, though without children. The other two women were very kind, they spoke to me, invited me back and gave me packet of literature. I am happy I went.

Delfin 07-28-2015 02:26 PM

Ciao, Mera,

I am not doing AA myself, but I'm glad you went to the meeting and got some help. I hope you will continue to work towards sobriety.

Stay strong and be well.

Delfin

thomas11 07-28-2015 06:38 PM

Hi Mera, regarding your boyfriend, think it through. He sounds wonderful. Many people go through their entire lives not finding love. Also, what if he was the opposite? What if he demanded control of your entire life, from what clothes you wear to your weight to when you can leave the house? Your sobriety is your journey.
Now, regarding your most recent post, sorry to hear you are drinking. If you are on your knees begging for help, maybe get over to that AA meeting. I have never been so I don't know the rules on attending while under the influence, but you joined in 2014 so you clearly aren't brand new to this. Maybe you need to reach the point where you want to be sober MORE than you want to drink. I hear that has a pretty high success rate. I am pulling for you. Get through this day and start fresh tomorrow. Learn from this. Please.

Eddiebuckle 07-28-2015 07:23 PM

Hi Mera,

I'm glad you went to the meeting tonight. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, and so long as your state was not disruptive, it's OK.

As to your boyfriend, as others have pointed out, this is your journey not his. It is not his job to understand, because God willing he never gets to that point. No normal person could understand the desperation it takes to quit drinking. It is described in the AA big book as "that jumping off place," which is exactly what it feels like - no idea how far down you're headed or what's at the bottom, but anything is better than another day in addiction.

As your sobriety and actions to support it evolve, so will your relationship with your boyfriend. Without sobriety, odds are things will continue to head south, that's the nature of the disease.

In the early days, we need to surround ourselves with people who are at least neutral to our sobriety, or the odds of making it are pretty slim. Talk about this the next time you are at that meeting. And if you didn't get any phone numbers while you were there, I strongly urge you to do so next time. Most alcoholics in early sobriety need daily contact with others on the same journey, and I cannot imagine its any different there, its just that the meetings are less frequent. Pick up that 1,000 pound phone rather than a drink - it works.

The things my sponsor told me I needed to do to get and stay sober:
  • don't drink
  • go to meetings
  • read the literature (AA's big book, 12 & 12, other recovery books)
  • get a sponsor
  • work the steps
Your life will change, gradually at first, but in the course of months if you do these things, your life will change dramatically. That has been my experience.

All the best.

fini 07-28-2015 07:30 PM

so good to hear you went to the meeting, Mera.
of course you can go to an AA meeting when you've been drinking.
and if you werte to get really disruptive, someone would likely go outside with you and chat in private.
since it was an ok experience, i hope you'll go again.

i love what your bf is doing in taking care of himself when you're drunk, and i love just how he's doing it, matter-of-fact, no begging, no judging, no drama. and so unconditional.

yes, it's yours to take care of, the drinking, the quitting, the finding what works.

IOAA2 07-29-2015 07:07 AM


Originally Posted by StrongEnough (Post 5486209)
Some people might not like this, but I need to say this. AA meetings aren't a place for somebody who's under the influence. You need a period of sobriety to become a part of the community as your true self, rather than a version of yourself that's emotionally and physically impaired with alcohol.



Hi.

In my attending 14,000+ meetings over the years I never heard such bull crap or agree with it.

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.

AND

Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.

Perhaps some of us think about this: active alcoholics are not much welcome at bars, hospitals, Drs offices, work, home, jails and on and on.

Who welcomes them when they are not disruptive? AA


BE WELL

IOAA2 07-29-2015 07:13 AM

I suggest that you stay very close to the WOMEN at the meetings you attend. Get and USE their phone #s because it helps them sometimes more than you at times. Please don’t get the feeling “I don’t want to bother them.” They can save your soul and help escape from the misery encounter by drinking.

BE WELL


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