BringingBackB's sober thread.
 

Hello everyone.

I am not new to attempted sobriety. Hell, im not even new to this site either (I've been here before). This is a crucial point for me now and I feel like having my own place to journal and be honest with you on a daily basis will help me.

So this is it :dee. I'm a 23 year old and I've been drinking on and off (mostly on) since I was 16-17. It has progressively got worse and worse to the point where now, I have one drop and go on a 5 or more day binge, anything i can get my hands on (even mouthwash, ugh) getting deeper down the spiral each day until I'm too sick to even drink anymore. I was on the verge of self harm so had to get out of there to a place of safety (a relative).

So here's my story from this final attempt so far.

Day 1 - Impending doom. Spent the whole night shaking and sweating constantly. I should probably add at this point that I have chronic mental health issues, which are obviously exacerbated 10 fold after drinking.

Hauled my sorry as to the docs. She was a new doctor as I have recently moved home and was very nice. Sat there crying for most of the appointment. She sent me away with some diazepam for the withdrawal, and also changed my anti-depressant (I've been trying to get this changed for about 4 years now) and has given me some beta blockers. She also referred me to a specialist in dual diagnosis, given me some beta blockers too and signed me off work for a month at least. So realistically I have many more tools than in the past. Time to make use of them :scoregood

Day 2 - the night was bad. I was falling asleep but immediately being jolted awake by night terrors, panic attacks.

Day 3 - Today. Much better. Anxiety falling to the more normal levels I'm used to anyway. Night terrors again but much less. Signing up for SMART and hoping to do a meeting tonight if there is one. Also going to my local alcohol unit on Wednesday where I will be assigned a support worker/ specialist who can get me what I need, even get me into a rehab if required.

This has been going on for about 5 years now on an almost monthly basis, so it has to be sorted out, no matter how long I have to be off work etc (which I am really worried about). But I'm going to end up dead if this carries on.

So that's the story so far. I will be checking in daily. Thank you all for reading in advance :)

Welcome to SR BringingbackB its nice to meet you

Nice Rorschach/Walter Kovak pic btw

Welcome to SR, BringingBackB. Congrats on going to the doctor and taking some active steps to get sober. So many people here are afraid to jump that hurdle. I highly suggest joining and actively participating in the Class of July 2015 thread found on this same forum. It's a great way to learn from and help others who are also in early recovery.

Welcome to the Forum BringingBackB!! :wave:

Welcome to SR :)

D

Day 4. Slept but woke up early. Nothing compared to day 1, 2 withdrawal.

Getting closer to my 'normal'. No shakes or anything during the night but still some night sweating, lucid dreams.

I have moved back in with relatives until I get back on my feet. They are recommending 6 months. They do not drink so I feel very safe here, and considering the fact I've not gotten farther than 4 weeks in 5 years, it is probably a good idea. Mostly it has just been binge 2-3 days, recover, repeat and I just cannot live like that anymore. I was actually dreaming about moving back so I am so glad they asked. They are very supportive of me with both the alcohol and the chronic mental illness, but have never seen me this bad. One thing is for sure, I should definitely not be living on my own for the forseeable future.

Hopefully this solid time off work I have been basically forced to take off by my doctor (she made it clear it was not up for discussion!) will also help. At 23 I can always get another job, but if I keep going I won't be able to get another life, liver, which is already aching constantly (I'm getting tests on it next week). I find it very hard putting myself first as I worry about work constantly. I have already had lots of time off so I am worried what they think, but what the hell. I psychical and mentally cannot go on. I have lived miserably since I was about 18 and I want and need to get that happy, funny person I know I am back out for good.

My mental health has deteriorated significantly over the past year or so, to the point where I am terrified to use a knife chopping up veg as I am convinced I will hurt myself. I told this to my new doctor on Thursday and she suggested that my drinking is probably a form of self harm' especially the binging for days until I am an utter wreck. I had never thought about it like that, and maybe she is right. I would be interested to hear any others thoughts on this so I may start a new thread on it.

But for now the main task is just getting the remainder of the withdrawal over so we can properly focus on the other issues I have. (I had often been ignoring my previous doctor for years at a time and hoping the constant panic and depression I get - without booze too!, would go away). I have a smart meeting today at 6 so I think I'm heading in the right direction.

B

Hi BringingbackB, You're recent post (day 4), is excellent news. You sound very lucid and clearly understand what you are facing. I agree with your last sentence that you are heading in the right direction. Please take this as it is intended and not criticism, but the way you are living your life currently is no way to live a life. And you are soooo young, you have a lot of life left to live. If you can get your psychological conditions figured out through medication and possibly therapy, throw a little sobriety on top of that, and I am confident you will thoroughly enjoy living.

Great job on day 4 bud

Thanks for all the support guys :)

Day 5.

Late to check in today. We've had a power cut all day so I've not been able to access my usual support on here and smart, so I've found it quite difficult.

On top of that I had to build flat pack furniture with my family which is stressful at the best of times! Add no shower, lights etc to that and it put me in a bit of a funk!

It's come back now so here I am. Missed my SMART meeting this morning because of it (it's an online one). It really makes you realise how much we take it for granted.

But definite triggers today. The frustration of that and then my family arguing with each other about how best they should build this and that would definitely usually cause me to drink. I think I have used the time wisely though and I will be completing my SMART homework tonight whilst reading up some more about it. Not long until I can have a nice bath and chill out for the evening!

I've been thinking about my drinking/ mental health issues and and general life alot today and I have realised that for the past 5 or so years I have constantly been living on the 'red line'.

Thomas11 above - you are so spot on.

I always seem to be at the point of combustion, which is why this has to change. I seem to have been so worn out and unhappy for so long, which drinking has played a huge part in.

It's a fine line to tread for me between the different issues but let's focus on getting on the right track. It's definitely time to have some stability in my life and put my entire wellbeing first for once, however hard that may be at first.

I will do it, even with stressful days like today, I'll do it. Quite honestly, bring on this addictions professional appointment on wednesday!

I think putting your sobriety first is a fine idea, TripleB. You might be surprised at how much easier it is to work on those other problems once drinking is fully out of the picture. Congrats on day 5!

Congrats on day 5

Day 6.

Just finished up another SMART meeting. Today the focus went towards how to deal with worry / shame, definitely my biggest trigger! It was nice to speak with people who actually feel the same way i did. I so often turn the smallest worry into something so huge i make myself completely ill. Definitely something i need to work on. Overall finding them useful so far, also a great place to pass the time. Ive not come out of one yet wanting a drink in the slightest, more like optomistic and proud of myself for doing it and speaking.

Physically / mentally i am not bad today. I think the new meds are starting to aid my own personal progression. Finally had a decent sleep last night.

If i think back to how bad it was just 5 days ago, it makes me sick :( i cant believe i put my family and myself through that torture yet again, but this time was definitely the worst.

Meeting my alcohol support worker tomorrow, wish me luck. I wait in anticipation of the mental health referral my doctor also made.


Checking out for now
B

Congrats again

Congrats on 6 days BBB :)

D

Wow I relate to so much of what you say, I really understand that anxiety and overwhelming feeling. We're about the same age too and i think being in our early-mid 20s has some specific challenges too, but also sooo great if we can get into recovery now and have our whole lives to life in a better way instead of just stress--combustion--managing crisis. Not a fun cycle.


And this:

It has progressively got worse and worse to the point where now, I have one drop and go on a 5 or more day binge, anything i can get my hands

on (even mouthwash, ugh) getting deeper down the spiral each day until I'm too sick to even drink anymore.


I could have written this I am 100% the same

I'm glad you're here :)

Good job. Very, very good. Looks like you're doing all the right things. Keep it up!

Day 7. What a week!

Met my addiction support worker today. She seemed very nice. I am going to have 4 intensive 1 on 1 sessions with her to evaluate my situation /progress before we decide on any further steps. Still waiting on my referall to the mental health team (another support worker I imagine) but looking forward to getting that ball rolling too.

Feeling good. Just finished another SMART meeting. I always find them very thought provoking and so far I am taking a lot from each one. I toon huge inspiration from a woman today who was in a desperate situation in her personal life and sti ll staying sober. Amazing

I am absolutely exhausted so bed time for me.

Tomorrow I am getting my bloods taken. Fingers crossed they come back okay as I have been worried about the liver pain I was getting after my last binge.

Great going triple B! :scoregood

Wow, you are *doing* it! When I was your age, I was much too full of myself to ask for help. Seeking and finding the right kind of help is so important. Kudos to you!

xoxox

What terrific progress! I wish I had figured out I needed to quit at a young age....imagine all the suffering you and immri are avoiding down the track by getting on to the problem now. Good for you :headbang:

Great job! You are walking the walk! You have surrounded yourself with support and are doing the work. I'm very proud of you. I've always talked the talk. Or I've started treatment and pulled out. You are inspiring me! Great job!

Day 8.

Its been a difficult day today but ive made it and am now tucked up in bed safe and sober.

I am staying in a hotel tonight (family occasion). Fortunately my dad (who i am sharing with) knows about my addictive behaviours and is supporting me. Absolutely no way id be here otherwise, and to be perfectly honest id rather be at home.

I had a brief moment of feeling sorry for myself seeing others drinking, but then i remembered my big plan, and how alcohol directly contradicts everything i value and want to achieve in life. Feeling better now i am back and typing it down. So thankful this place is here for me to vent. Today has been stressful though and i have to remember that an emotion is just an emotion, nothing more. It does not control me. It is time to break that instant gratification cycle my brain has learned to accept. Each time I contradict it, it will weaken.

Peace out
B

Day 9.

Feeling good today. Ive made myself so busy I've not had time to ponder on drinking. I've walked about 9 miles today!

I have to be honest, I am anxious about the next few days on 'holiday' in Scotland with my family. Not in terms of drinking as they all know what I am trying to do and are super supportive, helps that they don't drink either, but mainly because the accommodation has no wifi and I use it an awful lot in the support network I am creating here.

I can't get out of initially going, and im sure once I'm there some time away in the mountains will clear my head, but I am feeling apprehensive at the moment. I am taking boat loads of notes / support texts etc and I will have access to wifi during periods I can seek out a cafe.

If the worst comes to the worst and I am really struggling I have the back out plan of coming home early. Either way, I sure as hell won't be drinking. I am just praying I can enjoy the opportunity to clear my head in a beautiful environment, and most importantly walk..... and walk.... and walk...

Do you guys have any thoughts?

B

I would try to dedicate your energies towards something in particular. Maybe get a fitbit and run (or walk) a certain number of steps each and every day...or learn how to tie flies (fly fishing), or any other thing that your mind can obsess over.

Timothy Keller, a theologian, says that our minds are idol factories. They are always looking for something to worship. If we identify one idol, our mind will just try to find another. The key in this case, assuming what he says is true, is to fill your alcohol-idol empty space with something healthy. Don't just remove the alcohol, apply your energies and focus elsewhere.

I hope that helps.

Congrats on day 9 tbh i think your well prepared you can tell you have thought this out

Enjoy Scotland thats where my family is from

Thanks so much for the support guys.

Ron - I think that sounds like a good idea. I would like to set myself a target of walking a certain distance each day.

Got my eye on a few mountains to walk up and give myself a sense of achievement. If the weather stays nice (fingers crossed!) Then the views will be beautiful.

Thanks guys. Bedtime for me.

B

Day 10 and good evening from a 'wee bothy' in the Scottish Highlands. Absolutely amazed I can get a tiny bit of signal here so I am over the moon :) I can chat to my SR buddies! Where I am staying has a little pond with a boat so I was bobbing about on that reading SR before, was brill.

Been a good day today. Trying to take life on life's terms and not worry unnecessarily about absolutely bloody everything under the sun. Still worried about work yes, but reminding myself that I need to put my health before anything else for the forseeable future, no matter what. I am not going back to where I was mentally and physically again, don't care how good any job is, I'd rather have my health (if it came to finding another job that is).

There is no tv here which kinda sucks, so I guess tonight's plan is to catch up on my reading and also the class of June 15 thread.

And so ends another day on the sober coaster...

B

Awesome job on double digits B the scottish highlands sound really beautiful il be going scotland myself soon

Glad you have some wifi to chat & i agree about having your health

Congrats again B

Day 11

Super tiring day today! I've walked over 10 miles today through the Highlands. I definitely needed it though. Got up a bit of a mountain so I'm proud of myself for doing that. I seem very determined about things at the moment, I decided I was going to climb a mountain and I just did it, didn't stop for nothing! Tucked up in bed now doing some journalling, recovery reading and a novel too if I get chance. Overall - feeling very positive at the moment.

Still have work at the back of my mind, probably because I have to ring occupational health tomorrow. I know I am doing well but I am also very aware of the dangers of going back to a stressful environment. It's one thing being here and having 2-3 hours a day to think/ work on myself, but I will lose that when I go back. I don't ever want to go back to withdrawal again so I'm concerned. I've never been so determined to get through anything than this. I am trying not to think about it until I see the doc on Friday as I cannot change the situation, I just have to do what is honestly and genuinely best for me and my recovery. I imagine she will want to extend my note and is wanting to check how I am doing with my new meds first, that's 5 days away but my mind just whirrs away all the bloody time!

That's me done for today, night all
B

Hi BBB, the moderate to severe withdrawal is what got my attention regarding heavy drinking. I have had a few slips here and there, but nothing even remotely close to what I went through a few years ago.