I can relate to what you're saying since I really struggled with identifying myself as an alcoholic as well at the beginning. One of the things that really helped me was acknowledging I didn't drink in a manner that was healthy and that I needed to take steps correct this.

If 'we are powerless over alcohol', then how is it 'ultimately under my control'? See, a lot of the AA messages are, to me, mixed messages. Or, wherever/whenever something doesn't 'fit' the model, they just make up a convenience exception.

I drank Sunday night and most of the day on Monday. I am back to Day 1-2 now. At least I am back, right?

This is so frustrating...

Yes, at least you're back. I am of the belief that as long as someone is sincerely trying to get better, they should be commended.

I don't feel very commendable. :(

I dumped out all the gin in the house yesterday, to remove the temptation. I of course took a huge long pull from it before I threw it out... so now I don't feel great about what I did. I feel sorta half-a$$, I guess. At least it is gone.

Now though, I am flying to San Fran for a 6 day work conference, in which I am hosting (and toasting) for clients every night. It's more than expected of me to drink at these occasions, and all I can think to do is to ONLY go to those, only have 1-2, and go home/leave as early as possible (likely to just hide/read in my hotel room).

Beer and wine has never been the problem with me though. It's liquor, and having lots of it around. That won't be an issue this weekend, thank god (my room is alcohol free- no minibar).

I wish you the best on your trip and hope it goes good for you. I also go to plenty of work gatherings where alcohol is served. I was always under the misguided assumption that I "had" to drink to fit in but that's baloney. Nobody cares except us, any excuse is just the addiction talking.

Whenever I drink, I cede my control.
That seems pretty clear to me from my experience.

Is that not the case for you, Hobbers?

D

I don't always agree with AA but from an AA perspective we are powerless over alcohol until a higher power intervenes to overcome it. We can choose to follow the steps. This allows us to become receptive to the higher power who wants good things for us but won't act against our free will.

My personal belief notwithstanding : Why are you getting drunk? You say you don't want to. If you have control over your drinking why is it you cannot stay sober?

If I drink the first drink I cannot guarantee the consequences won't be bad.

Welcome back, Hobbers. You're not a screw up, man. If I recall correctly, the last time you stopped in here you were planning to go to a bar for your fantasy football draft...was that you? If not, my apologies! Regardless, I see that now you've got bachelor parties dragging you down. Like I said last time, I've been there. And sometimes you just gotta cut that cord with the old pals and move on without them.

There are other ways to have a good time, man - they are different than you're used to, though. Change is hard and you're in the right place. Sounds like you're ready to start making some major lifestyle changes in addition to stopping drinking. Welcome back and looking forward to hearing from you as you move forward on your journey.

Hi hobbers, if I read the OP correctly there are other issues in play like anxiety and GAD? It seems to common theme here that the alcholism is in addition to other (usually mental) conditions. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. You're here, you congnisant of it, and are making efforts to change. All steps in the right direction. The upcoming 6 day conference will probably be a challenge. I'm sure some folks here on SR can offer some solid advice/suggestions. I wish you the best.