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Relapsing into all my old habits-

Old 06-19-2015, 12:20 PM
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Relapsing into all my old habits-

Hi gang,

It's me- Hobbers! I am happy/sad/glad/grateful/frustrated to be back here, so VERY glad to see you all are 1. here, and 2. (hopefully) here FOR me. I need all the prayers I can get.

So, I have been doing a 'eh' but declining job at controlling my drinking for the past ~6 months. As I like to tell myself (over and over)- "I have good weeks, and bad days, usually." I seem to have no problem having a glass of wine, or a beer or two, but... every now and then, I just say 'F it today', and go buy a bottle of something, and then tell myself "well, I'll only have half of it today...", and then I wake up, and the whole thing is gone the next morning. And I feel like crap.


Anyway, that's carried on for a while now (several months), but this past week or two has been much worse. I went to a 4-day bachelor party (with 26 HARD drinking guys, including me, and unlimited booze), which I 'oh so wisely' preceded the day before by drinking a damn bottle of rum, and now- I feel I am right back/nearly back to where I was when I started this whole journey/process in the first place a couple of years ago. Sneaking drinks, hiding, lying, refilling bottles partly with water so no one knows how much I drank... you all- I know- know the drills.

So, I am struggling again. I want to be better, but I struggle with exactly what better is. I have to tell you, MOST of the past 6 months, I have been truly enjoying having 1 or 2 drinks, and done- like a 'normie'. I honestly can't say I want to give THAT up. It's just those bad days, which seem to be becoming more frequent now, that terrify me.

AND my anxiety/GAD is getting worse (though it was getting worse when I was totally sober too) and that just compounds the issue. I drink to calm myself down about a non-drinking GAD episode, and then, I am freaking out later/the next day about the drinking. Rinse-repeat.

Anyway, I am whining now, and I will stop. My plan, if one can call it that, is to not drink today. We'll see how that goes, and see what tomorrow brings. What I really need is support, prayers, love, and some advice.

And I really want to tell you all that I am THANKFUL that you are all still here (and doing soooo much better than me- congrats!).
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Old 06-19-2015, 12:33 PM
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I always found that if I drank something I'd end up sooner or later trying to drink everything.
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Old 06-19-2015, 12:53 PM
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Welcome back Hobbers!!
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Old 06-19-2015, 12:55 PM
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Try listening to some good Recovery Speaker messages.

Maybe start by doing a Web Search for 'Joe & Charlie' and 'Melbourne Steps Weekend - Recordings'.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous, and FREE
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Old 06-19-2015, 01:00 PM
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Welcome back, Hobbers!

You can do this.
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Old 06-19-2015, 01:08 PM
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Thanks, Anna. SO glad that you (and everyone else) are still here and awesome, and supportive- for a screw-up like me.

I know I have a drinking problem- Obviously. I just don't know how to deal with it. When I stayed sober for months at a time, I got no joy- but then, on these days/week now that I wake up after a night like last night, or so many others, I feel worse. I just can't seem to be/stay happy. Getting drunk clearly isn't the answer though. Very clearly.

(hugs) given, and readily accepted...
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Old 06-19-2015, 01:22 PM
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What was your 'program' while you were sober?

You don't have to answer but was there / is there a problem other than drink? For example, depression?

It's a bit presumptuous of me but I find that often people with drink problems are self medicating and going to the doctor can help.
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Old 06-19-2015, 01:23 PM
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Welcome back......I needed medication to make the progress I have made.....also I'm trying to get sober again.....so I don't have much on you. With the medication......I'm not depressed but I do still have anxiety......I'm a type A personality so I doubt that's ever completely going away. Your in the right place to get sober.
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Old 06-19-2015, 01:35 PM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

So good to see you bud
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Old 06-19-2015, 01:45 PM
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Welcome back! I came back a little over a month ago after a long hiatus. I too enjoyed a glass of wine at night, unfortunately, I always ended up drinking more than that.
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Old 06-19-2015, 02:55 PM
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Yes- been seeing a doctor and a therapist for some time now. Major anxiety/GAD. Possibly depression, since the two kinda often go hand in hand. My dr. thinks I was, indeed, subconsciously self-medicating that.

I am supposed to see an actually Psychiatrist to re-evaluate my meds in a month or so. Long wait until then. I'm already on plenty, but maybe the balance/scripts are totally incorrect? Who knows.

I'm hanging in there- One day, right?
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Old 06-19-2015, 03:05 PM
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GAD is very tough. You have my sympathy. Much of what you say is caused by these problems. I think that they will get better over time and with treatment. I can confidently say drink would make it worse.
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Old 06-19-2015, 03:07 PM
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Welcome back Hobbers!
Sending prayers and hugs your way.
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Old 06-19-2015, 03:13 PM
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Well I am no doctor and medical advice are not allowed on here, but I will say this Alcohol is a depressant so you can figure out the results if you already battle depression.


As for drinking one or two occasionally. No you can't. If you could you wouldn't do binges in between. That is not normal drinking beahavior. The key here is a mental inventory and a change in thinking. You have want to not drink more than you want to drink. I know this may sound harsh and when I point this out to some they get very angry with me. The fact is that it worked for me and I think it might for you too. Work on the mental aspect of this. Start to list all the positives and negatives with drinking. After you do this inventory you have to ask yourself what you rather want to do. Continue drinking or stop. Once I did this it clicked. I tried countless of times over 30 plus years to moderate, to quit altogether etc. It never worked until I took a mental inventory and made a choice that I don't want to drink anymore. If you go around and really want to drink it won't work. Please don't take this as criticism, but an honest opinion from me. I really wish you the best and hope you can find inner peace with not drinking anymore. Good luck.
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Old 06-19-2015, 04:55 PM
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I replied to you in the monthly thread Hobbers but I'll repeat myself briefly here
I have to tell you, MOST of the past 6 months, I have been truly enjoying having 1 or 2 drinks, and done- like a 'normie'. I honestly can't say I want to give THAT up.
that is the classic addiction bait and switch - give you just enough 'good times' to make you think that maybe you can make that ^ a lasting status quo.

the bottom line is tho I failed to control my drinking many more times than I managed to (just) rein it in.

my default position was always benders at days at a time and no amount of 'good' nights, or good luck, changed that...

D
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Old 06-19-2015, 05:08 PM
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I could moderate in certain situations as well but usually when alone I would just go nuts and drink as much as I could. I hated feeling sick and full of anxiety.

I had to make a choice and remove alcohol from my life completely, it really is better for health and mind.
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Old 06-19-2015, 07:08 PM
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Welcome back, Hobbers. I'm so glad you made it - not everyone does you know. Take this chance - it's a true gift.
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Old 06-20-2015, 09:25 AM
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Part of me knows (believes?) you are all correct. Part of me- the part I am sure you all are going to go 'yeah- your AV, dude' but I'm not so sure- still doesn't want to say 'I'm an alcoholic'. I have an alcohol illness. Alcoholism is a disease, and diseases can't be cured. I can't be that pessimistic, lol.

Anyway, I didn't drink yesterday, and my goal is to not drink today. Call it the most minor of victories, I guess.
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Old 06-20-2015, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Hobbers View Post
Part of me knows (believes?) you are all correct. Part of me- the part I am sure you all are going to go 'yeah- your AV, dude' but I'm not so sure- still doesn't want to say 'I'm an alcoholic'. I have an alcohol illness. Alcoholism is a disease, and diseases can't be cured. I can't be that pessimistic, lol.
Life began getting better for me when I owned up to the fact that I was an alcoholic and that alcohol had to be off the table for me. Forever.

I'm still amazed by how much better everything is now that I'm sober and living in the solution.

HeartsAfire made a good point. It took guts to come back here -- good on ya! You can do this, Hobbers. Make the right choice and you'll never regret it.
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Old 06-20-2015, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Hobbers View Post
Part of me knows (believes?) you are all correct. Part of me- the part I am sure you all are going to go 'yeah- your AV, dude' but I'm not so sure- still doesn't want to say 'I'm an alcoholic'. I have an alcohol illness. Alcoholism is a disease, and diseases can't be cured. I can't be that pessimistic, lol.

Anyway, I didn't drink yesterday, and my goal is to not drink today. Call it the most minor of victories, I guess.
What ever you do is ultimately in your control, I just remember thinking exactly the same thing as your saying here. It's hard to wrap your ego around the fact your an addict, I didn't want to accept it for so long.

Now that I do and am sober life is so much better, I thought I would miss alcohol but it really is nothing more then a distraction and a poison.
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