Big Thanks and my Story
 

This is probably tl;dr but I want to lay it out there for myself at the very least.

I love internet forums. I use them for all my hobbies and enjoy the comaraderie with groups who share a passion for a common interest. Real people (even if anonymous) sharing real life is probably one of the more special uses of the internet. I've lurked around here off and on for several years but finally joined. My day of action has come. I've known this day is coming for years but never knew when. My recent blood work during a routing physical was the final straw. And here I am.

I've been a partier of sorts all my life. Always worked hard and got ahead in life with my career but recreational partying was always there. Never thought much of it until the last 8-10 years or so. I was always healthy, active, and ready to go so the risk/reward in my mind didn't cause me to "re-think" my life. Partying was fun and so was everything else. I had a balance...lol...but I could drink 15+ beers without a second thought given the chance.

Like most on here, it progresses and never regresses. I'm 46 now and have been married for 14 years with 4 great kids. My wife is very similar to me. Perfect enablers. Go out on weekends and have a good time whenever possible. Work hard and take care of business during the week. Over the last 14 years the progression to daily drinking...and then daily heavy drinking became painfully obvious.

Binging was gone back in 2005 but now daily was here to stay. I always drink about the same amount. 6 beers and half a fifth of bourbon a day most of the time. Sometimes more but never less. Never drank before 6-7pm unless out somewhere social. Always went to work...and always went to bed with a good buzz. My wife likes liquor so she would drink 3-3.5 liters a week consistently. About the same amount every day. We are both very functional but definitely consuming way too much. And dependent on alcohol for certain. It's kind of amazing how a high tolerance can balance heavy drinking with remaining functional. I know the next step in the progression is much darker but I'm kinda surprised I've been able to keep my life mostly together in all aspects except for my declining health.

Wife and I tested ourselves multiple times the last 3-4 years. We could never quit for more than a month (me usually a week). I tried moderation every time. lol. Moderation. There is no joy in moderation for me. Zero. I need that same fix every time or the wheels come off in my mind.

My first health warning shot came in 2012. I have 3 bad lumbar discs that can cause quite annoying pain. I was prescribed ultram (tramadol) because I specifically asked for something "non habit forming and non narcotic). Worked great. And I got hooked. I was so pissed. My 2012 physical showed elevated enzymes along with hypertension and high cholesterol. Doc wanted an ultra sound but after further questions about alcohol use (which I underestimated of course) and long term use of ultram the doc chalked it up to the obvious. Told me choose one or the other but not both.

I chose alcohol and gave up the pills. I had terrible withdrawls for a month. I was so pissed. Doc denied over and over and said it couldn't be withdrawal. BS. Goolge it. It's a big problem and good riddance.

Anyways, got over the ultram cold turkey (never touched pills again) but continue to drink my norm. Next physical in 2013 showed fine enzymes (yay! I could keep drinking!) but also low platelets (102k) and slightly high MCV. Doc didn't see much wrong there so didn't address it. I knew exactly what the problem was. I drink too much and I'm slowly eroding my health to the point of physical damage and chemical changes. But they weren't too bad so I rationalized that I had more time to keep drinking. Sick thoughts from a father of 4.

My blood pressure has gone from high normal in 2009 to hypertension now (always 160/100 for the last year). I went in for my physical last week to address this. I knew I needed to get that down or die young. Got blood work done and bp med prescription. I was unusually nervous about my blood work. And it came back not terrible but definitely not good....the final straw....

ALT 78 - AST 47 - MCV 33.5 - Vitamin D 28.5 (insufficient but not terrible) - low platelets again - 242 high cholesterol. Thankfully all my other liver and kidney tests are fine but I've done some damage for sure. Ultrasound within 2 weeks for possible fatty liver (I'd be shocked if I don't have it). Hopefully nothing worse. When I read the report I knew it could only get worse and never better as long as I kept drinking. My mind was made up. I'm not going out like that and I'm praying I haven't gone too far already. Between the cholesterol, hypertension, and heavy drinking there are a number of things to be concerned over. And deep down I know they are all connected to my drinking. Classic symptoms for a heavy drinker starting to do real damage to the body. I haven't been particularly kind to my body since I started smoking @ 15 (quit that years ago or that would have been another early death sentence).

I quit drinking suddenly and unplanned and even have beer in my beer fridge (that I'm afraid to open). I'm on day 4. No more booze and beer. Long talk with my wife. She's very supportive and knows how uneasy I am about the blood work. She quit too (she's better at it than me for sure. I always enabled moderation back to excessive. Never her) We're in deep talks about how to move forward with an alcohol free life.

Withdrawals haven't been that bad but it certainly hasn't been fun. Mild headache, some anxiety but mangeable, broken sleep with weird dreams, and some fog in the head. My job is complicated so I'm forcing my way through each day and looking forward to a sober holiday weekend to try and relax a little and hang out at the pool with my kids. Just pass time without having to be "smart". haha


Anyways, way too long of a post. Hopefully someone somewhere lurking can relate and consider making the same choice. In 3 months I'm going back for blood work. If I stay true to my personal promise I'll actually be excited for that test in some ways. I'm honestly not as worried about staying sober for 3 months as I am for the rest of my life. I have plenty of time to think about it and learn to be happy 24/7 without destroying my body.

Hey! Welcome. I love forums too, and I hope you are able to gather enough courage, strength and knowledge to make this a permanent change in your life.

I hope your numbers continue to improve and that your liver does what livers do and miraculously heals.

Good luck!

A suggestion: dump the beer in the fridge. You can do this.

Welcome to SR, MisterChill! Your story was definitely not too long and I did indeed read it.

You're in the right place. There is amazing wisdom and support to be found on these forums. Hope you jump in with both feet and post away and also hope you'll join us on the Class of May 2015 thread. It's a good way to get to know folks here who are in the same early stages of sobriety.

You've made the wise and seemingly necessary decision to stop drinking. Glad your wife is on board with sobriety too. Look forward to getting to know you better!

Thanks for the warm welcome, folks.

I'm going to give the beer to my neighbor. I have an easy "out" for disclosing my choice to not drink. I'm on blood pressure medicine. Nobody will bat an eye because nobody really knows my real habits except my family and friends.

I have no problems telling friends and family why I decided to quit. Neighbors are different. lol.

And yes, my wife joining me with sobriety is imperative. She's been wanting to do the same but we've never both been committed together. It's always been one appeasing the other and not the hard and fast line. We've planned on moving to a lakefront house in 10 years for a long time. No chance at that happening if chronic disease strikes first. I'm fairly certain I was on the under 10 year path to big problems. I have bigger goals in life to let dying young or spending my final good years fighting a disease that I inflicted upon myself.

Health is precious. Without it we have nothing.

Try not to future-trip too much on your current health - our bodies are amazingly good at healing from years of alcohol poisoning. I know it's easy to beat yourself up since you don't have all the information yet, but that's a good thing. Being scared is one way to sober up :)

Many people have a thread like this one and continue to add to it regularly. If you're a forum guy, you may have seen a few around. It's always cool to see the progression people make from drinker to sober.

Good for you to go to the doctor! I am terrified of a physical. I know my BP is bad now and I am only 36 years old. 3 yrs ago, before heavily drinking I was borderline low.

Welcome to awesomeness!!

Sounds like you were right behind me. The next step was all day drinking! Hiding, lying, misery, broken relationships, bad health, and on and on.

You're absolutely making the right choice and you couldn't have joined a better group of super cool people!

Looking forward to watching you claim your life back.



Attachment 27045

Welcome to the family and congrats on deciding to get sober for good. :) You won't regret it. :)

Julesonya, it is scary as heck going to the doctor for a physical when you know you are a substance abuser. I even hid smoking from my docs years ago. Having to face lifestyle related health problems comes with a pile of guilt on top of typical fear. I avoided doctors until 2006 when I needed to get a life policy. Got off the grid blood tests done back then and only found high cholesterol and slightly high blood pressure only. Fixed that and got my physical for my policy. Passed with flying colors and went right back to daily bad habits. The cycle is awful and time passes all too fast. For me, there is no way I can justify the last 10 years as being worth it. I have plenty of history before that as well of making poor lifestyle choices but my ability to stay successful in life was a perfect rationalization to continue the wrong health path.


Uncontrolled HBP impairs the kidney's ability to control blood pressure. And damaged kidneys cause blood pressure to get worse. It's a spiral. I'm already down that path a little ways and have to take medicine probably for the rest of my life unless I get lucky with lifestyle changes.

However, I never had low blood pressure. Even when I was young I was always high normal. I'm predisposed for the condition and made bad lifestyle choices to finish the job.

MC
Welcome to the posting side. Great intro post. We seem very similarly situated and aged. The abuse is definitely progressive something I tried to ignore for as long as I could and then almost all of a sudden you can't.
Great decision to end the abuse and no reason to not embrace your resolve. If three month stretches seem doable, which they absolutely are, just string a crap ton of them together with no breaks in between :), the alternative is only a return to the progression. Wish you well and hope to see you around

Welcome to the Forum MisterChill!! :wave:

Last night was a good one. My twin daughters are graduating high school and they had an awards ceremony last night. Usually when I come home from evening events I need to knock down 2 beers back to back and pop another one to "catch up for lost evening time". Got home last night around 9 with moderate cravings and some light anxiety. Mental battle....

Pounded 2 ice cold selzters back to back and took 2 valarian capsules. Cut the cravings in half and then got into a good tv show. Drank some herbal tea around 11pm and went up to bed to read. Fell asleep by midnight and slept for 9 straight hours. No sweats. No wakeups. No weird dreams. Woke up feeling more alert without coffee than I have in years. Many years.

Took my blood pressure. 121/79. Lowest in my adult life. I'm on meds now but it isn't just the meds. I'm certain. Things are moving in the right direction.

I've notified my close circle of friends (not all heavy drinkers but when we get together we definitely drink) and told them I'm off the sauce for a minimum of 3 months so don't even try me. After 3 months I'll simply tell them I enjoy life more without drinking and my health is more important than my habits. They know I'm worried about my BP so nothing but support. I'll gladly volunteer for the DD position at any future get together. I can do this.

I'm a little late but welcome MrChill :)

D

I was very happy that after a few months my BP (that I didn't even know was impacted by drinking) is normal, liver enzymes are normal and health is coming back.
People don't really seem to care about my drinking. Which is odd and nice at the same time.

I'm sure your daughters were happy you were sober tonight

Welcome to SR, MisterChill!

Welcome MC. Stay strong and keep moving forward with your plan.

After 10 years of daily drinking I was put on BP meds; 164/112 average. Diagnosed with fatty liver and high cholesterol.

Fast forward another 10 years of even heavier drinking and I was just killing myself. Finally found SR and the will to quit.

Now I'm off all bp meds, blood work came in great; no more fatty liver, enzymes normal, cholesterol normal, etc... Our bodies are resilient as long as we break the cycle.

Keep up the good work!

Ccam, those are some VERY encouraging words. I really hope #1, I remain sober and #2, that my body gets back on track. I'm less than thrilled about the possibility of taking bp meds for the rest of my life. I'm sure statins are also on the radar for my cholesterol. Those are hard on your liver even if you don't drink. I'm too young for a lifetime of those.

The more I think about the last 30 years the more I realize that I was never even close to living healthy. I smoked a pack a day for 20 years but knocked that off a while ago. I grew out of the drug years fairly quickly (thank goodness). Haven't really used any drugs since the mid 90's. But simply replaced it with drinking. Can't change the past but I'm feeling some heavy guilt at times. Normal though. Drinking is my last demon to overcome. And I'm going to do it one way or another come hell or high water.

The more I stay sober, the less the past weighs on me MrC.
Today is the only day I can do anything about - y'know? :)

D

Especially glad to see this part, because of the posts I have read where one person is trying to live a sober life despite the complication/burden/lack of cooperation from a drinking spouse or partner.

No doubt Solarion. I could do it without her but when one is in and one is out it changes the dynamics of day to day life with you partner. I'm thankful she has tried to quit and done better than me in the past.

Smoking was a beast for both of us as well. I stuck to my guns when I drew the line in the sand. It was really really hard though. Something I definitely don't want to go through again. Ever.

Couple notes to self:

- 6-8PM is going to be rough for a while. Watch the clock and make plans to deal every day

- don't get lulled into safety as time goes by. Just like quitting smoking, just one = many

- stay away from "big events for a while". Backyard bbq and yard games with the big circle of friends is off limits for a least a couple months.

- if you go to a "big event" down the line and enjoy it sober, don't let it lull you into thinking anything about quitting drinking for life is easy. The slope is slippery with zero room for error. Individual challenges must be met with the same level of fight each and every time.

I don't know if you've stumbled on HALT around here.

It is the acronym for Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. If you start to get a strong craving, check in with yourself and if any of the above are in play - do something about them. The hunger one was big for me - any little snack will help. It's often a blood sugar thing. In early days, I had chocolate available at all times. Some people swear by ice cream, but I can't stop once I start on ice cream.

The lonely thing doesn't get to me, but the other three do. Some recovery circles think that isolation is a bad thing, but I'm pretty happy alone. I don't tend to go down the dark path to depression. I am mindful to eat regularly and sleep enough - and when I get angry I can come here or use many other coping tools to get through the moment. Emotions come up in a pretty intense way in early sobriety. I was used to stuffing them back down with a drink and had to learn new ways of sitting with my anger until it passed.

We quit the stuff, then find we still have stuff that weren't part of the original stuff. What do we do with this.....stuff. Stuff it? Most of us will--only to go back to the same-ole-stuff. Methinks we should take a good look at this....Stuff. Just a friendly warning---Quitting the booze does NOT "quit" all - that - stuff. Best wishes on being, staying and working for - sober. No stuff to be had and that is a good thing cuz I be so tired of BS stuff.

Just got back from my blood work follow up with my Doc. Not as bad as I had feared but plenty of things to consider. I've been in a good mood last couple of days so I'll start with the good:

- Today is Day 10 for me. Couldn't be happier about that

- My kidneys are performing perfectly so no diabetes fear

- I've lost 7 pounds since my physical (I've been eating well and exercising. Beer and bourbon were the primary reason for my extra pounds and it's starkly obvious now)

- My body has responded well to my blood pressure medicine and my doc is very pleased that I can get by with a mild dose...at least for now anyways

- I confessed my drinking problem and told the whole truth as to how much I was drinking every day (Doctor was a little surprised that drinking the equivalent of 12+ drinks/day for many years didn't manifest itself sooner from a clinical standpoint or with much worse #'s with the blood work). I owe it to my wife's healthy cooking and remaining active. But that can only go so far. There is no avoiding where I was heading with the path I was on. Delayed but can never be denied is how I look at it.

Now the bad stuff:

- My LDL cholesterol is well above the treatable threshold for my age (46). I'm at risk for early coronary heart disease in my 50's. She explained that the reason men have statistically shorter lives than women is because of the 50-60 decade. A portion of men have the predisposition of dropping dead from a heart attack during this decade. The only way to better the odds is to have a healthy lifestyle and NOT have cholesterol like me. Yikes. However, with my liver enzymes where they are, treatment isn't even an option. Statins are hard on the liver and you have to test completely normal to start. ACK!

-My platelet count is low because either genetics (doubtful) or alcohol is affecting my bone marrow's ability to produce a healthy amount of platelets (likely). Basically it's all fun and games until they get dangerously low and I get into an accident. Eeek!

-Because of my enzyme levels an ultrasound is 100% necessary (i kinda already knew this). When my doctor realized I have been drinking for so many years, the fact that my enzymes were fine in 2013 and notsofine in 2015 means that it's either lifestyle catching up to me or something else. Fatty liver is the #1 suspect but other things mentioned make me get an uneasy feeling. Gotta wait till the results come back before getting freaked out and ruining my low blood pressure. lol

The doctor made it clear that the #1 goal right now is to make sure I enter my 50's in top form. She's very happy I quit drinking and said at a bare minimum until the end of August when I get retested. I'm going to go much longer than that. I'm committed.

Quick update

Today is day 16 and I'm into a groove. Sleep comes easy and getting a good night's rest is a daily activity now.

Blood pressure is hanging right where it needs to. Even after coffee. I can physically feel the difference behind my eyes and I'm getting almost no headaches (not sure if this was blood pressure related or drinking related or both but frequent headaches have completely vanished).

The grip of wanting a drink is slowly letting go in the evenings. I had some moments this past weekend where I could classify the cravings as strong but overall it gets just a little smoother every day.

Seltzers are a fantastic evening replacement for my cold beer habit. I'm well hydrated to say the least.

I'm taking a pile of vitamins and supplements to help knock down cholesterol and keep the systems well tuned and I've managed to stay true to working out every other day and getting light cardio on the off days. That actually gives me a buzz so I enjoy it quite a bit.

Liver ultrasound is tomorrow AM. I'm not even nervous. It is what it is. If they find something I'll deal with it. I'm not as anxious as I was a week or 2 ago. I've been taking valarian capsules and 5HTP supplements. They seem to be helping with mood and anxiety. Folks experiencing mood swings and anxiety should talk to their doctors about these supplements. My doctor said they are a good idea and a much better alternative than prescriptions if they work. However, if you are on anti-depressants then 5HTP is off limits. I'm not so I'm good.

Ultrasound results are in. Gall bladder/kidneys and what they could see of my pancreas looks perfect. Liver slightly inflamed and diagnosed with fatty liver (as expected and relieved it's not worse).

Doc said absolutely no drinking / exercise / milk thistle / vitamin E / diet plan. I've already been doing these things for the last few weeks so I'll just stick to it. The only unnerving part of the conversation was that if my cholesterol doesn't come down and my enzymes are still elevated at the end of August I may have to get a biopsy. Ultrasounds can only tell so much and scarring / fibrosis can't be accurately evaluated using this method. Thankfully the inflammation is very mild so chances are low that it's anything more than a heavy drinker's fatty liver.

This entire experience has been a major wake-up call. I needed it. My passive second guessing and questioning my drinking was never going to lead me down the road of sobriety. Realizing I was in the early stages of organ damage is pretty unnerving. I'm committed to getting my health where it needs to be and stay there. I've already had multiple lifetimes of what would be considered safe alcohol consumption run through my system. Going back to where I was would be a terrible odds bet with something you can't even put a price on.

Keep moving forward Mr C :)

D

Thank you for sharing MasterC, I needed the health reminder tonight! I'm on day 10 (double digits, yay!) but my AV was trying to give me some sneaky thoughts tonight.

L4L, I never cared about my health until I hit my mid 40's. I've always been a good eater so that part has been ok but I've also always been a partier since a teenager. The short story is now that I'm moving towards my upper 40's, the end game is starting to become really important. I've worked hard my whole life and worked doubly hard raising 4 kids. The ultimate kick in the you know what would be to ruin my end game of a slower and more relaxing life that I've earned. Throwing that in the garbage can because of something I chose to do and continue doing far beyond what I should have is something I really can't live with. There are people of all ages on this forum. Hopefully those younger than me can understand that it doesn't end well without change. And those the same age and older can relate to the importance of not going too far and taking something away that you work for and look forward too basically your entire life.

Retirement with avoidable chronic illness or early death before retirement even happens is just not acceptable. Certainly not from self inflicted damage anyways.