Living life in limbo, perpetuated by alcohol abuse
 

Hello again,

I'm hoping this is the last Day 2 I have. Everything has been getting too much for me. It seems like I've lived with denial about my alcholism and the bad effect it's having on my life. I'm a serial binge drinker. But with starting a new relationship in the last few months it's really highlighted how bad my relationship with alcohol is. My OH doesn't know how bad I am, I keep it secret from him as there's no way he'd stay with me if he knew. But I'm really hating the deception and how much it's breaking down my self respect.

I used to think I drank because I was lonely. But now I don't have that excuse and have to face up to the fact I was drinking cos I'm an addict. I'm so scared of the future right now, I'm feeling terribly anxious since my last binge, which was with work people and I'm dreading seeing everyone tomorrow.

I just want to be the girl in control again. I feel like the wheels are falling off and everything is going to come crashing down if I don't stop. But I don't know how to go about recovery in a way that succeeds. Any tips would be good. Thanks.

Welcome back boombox :)

I really recommend making a recovery plan - there's some great info here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

with a good plan and some commitment you really can be that girl again :)

D

Thanks Dee, just reading you saying I can be that girl again made me well up!

Welcome back! :) I hope the support here can help you get sober for good. :hug:

You can be that girl again. You're here and as long as you're willing to do what it takes, you will get there.

I was also a secretive drinker and the deception just destroyed my soul. It was awful. That's the thing with addiction, it takes everything that is good.

Try to come up with a plan for stopping drinking and recovering.

Welcome!

The secrets have honestly exhausted me and I know you can have a different, more fulfilling life for sure. I'm newly sober after slipping and although AA isn't for everyone, I'm really immersing myself in it and I must say, I feel very different about my sobriety now, in a good way.

Waking up in the morning and not feeling gross, knowing what happened the night before and not taking the rubbish out every morning in order to conceal the bottles, is really liberating. Secrets are tiring and it doesn't have to be like that anymore :-)

Definitely sounds like you have a sobriety seed that's growing in you. You can do it.

Boombox, addiction to chemical substances is extremely powerful. It becomes something kin to breathing and eating, a biological drive. Yes you can become that girl again, everyone here is rootin for ya. :egypt:
http://i244.photobucket.com/albums/g...e/image7-1.jpg

My drinking while I was in a relationship only threw in sharper relief the dark and harsh reality around how alone I truly was and triggered intense and chronic periods of loneliness that further provoked acting out on my part. I don't know of any condition worse than that of near constant deception, dread and despair brought upon by my own drinking, so much so that death seemed an attractive option.

Relationships were one of the best places for me to hide my considerable fears as well as my drinking and what my drinking did to me. I see this a lot in early sobriety as well, when dealing with another person and the challenges involved in managing a relationship overshadow our making the necessary changes to achieve sobriety.

I trained my partners to "look the other way," leveraging their feelings for me in order to keep things moving, rather than facing my own desperate reality. These women knew, on some level, exactly what was going on, but their feelings for me persuaded them to hope for the best, rather than attempt to intervene in an activity -- a way of life, really -- that was so important to me. Mission accomplished. I broke their trust and trampled their good will until they could no longer play their assigned roles, finally engaging/detaching from me in the worst possible way...violent rage, the better part of which eventually emerged as pity. I became that guy.

I was warned several times and from several different people that "everything is going to come crashing down if I don't stop." I dismissed those prophecies as the work of people who knew nothing about me; I found comfort in my delusion that I was able to continue on without the intrusion of the worst of all possible consequences. I was wrong.

The solution, for me, was to get as much help and support as I could bear, even while I had no intention of getting sober. I was broke, virtually homeless, unemployable and had nothing else to do. Participating in daily treatment of one kind or another enabled me to live in a safe place, eat three times a day, and have enough money to get through each day. That's it.

I wouldn't recommend anything less than that for anyone else.

Thank you so much for your kind words of support, they are really overwhelming. I have had a look at the recovery plans and jotted down some ideas of my own. I'm normally ok for the first few weeks and the the amnesia of all the anxiety and hurt I cause myself because of the self-deception hits and I think I can have just one, it won't hurt. That one is never one and soon enough I'm back to binging on my own.

What a terrible world we alcoholics live in! I can't take it any more but I'm scared that once the newness of sobriety has worn off there'll be a void that I can't fill. Does anyone else get that? If so how did you ensure you kept on the right track? Thanks once again.

Welcome back Boombox!! :)