Memories from an alcoholic
 

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Approaching 1 mo sober...and loving it.

I find myself in places or situations fairly often that remind me of my alcoholism. As an all day drunk, there's plenty of them.

It hasn't taken long for me to stop romanticizing alcohol. All my memories are bad. And I like to keep it that way.

So I'm posting them in effort to keep them alive. As I know one day, they'll be faded. I'll start forgetting the horrible experience and may start romanticizing again one day.

I like the idea of posting here instead of a written journal as this is more private. Kept close to my alcoholic family. Anyone else who would pick up a found journal and read would be shocked. I have nooo problem sharing my darkest moments with the ambiguity of an online avatar, plus I know there is NOTHING I can say here that will be judged!

EVERYONE is welcome to add or comment. The more the better. Your comments will help me, and others I'm sure. I've learned something during my short presence here, and that is we all have similar experiences.


With that being said....
I just drove by a parking lot where I had once stopped to prepare for going home. I hid my all day drinking and would stop to freshen breath with mouthwash, finish the drink I was working on in my car. Hide the bottle of vodka in the back of my SUV, etc.

Next to this parking lot was a bar. And I remember thinking maybe I have time for a quickie. I figured not and headed home. As I pulled out, a cop came right up behind me. I was crapping my pants. I was wondering if he saw me move my vodka bottle.

He stayed right on me for a while, then turned off.

Today, I stopped in the same lot to shift my work around and get organized for my next stop. Noticed where I was, and almost cried in relief.
No more lying. No more fear of police.

And wouldn't you know it.....
As soon as I pulled away, a cop was on me again! This time no worries. Almost hoping he'd pull me over so I could prove I was sober. Lol.

Life is great being sober.

yeah..... lots of those memories cropped up for me in recovery, too. Some were hazy, some shameful, some sad, some unbelievable... how was that even ME??

Sober life is so much better.

No more days of waking up with no recollection of the previous day ...or more.
No more hiding bottles in discreet locations so others (ans ourselves) didn't know how much we were actually drinking.

I am very thankful for this post. Thanks for sharing!

This is very helpful for me. Thank you. I am so tired of hiding.

Yeah man, drinking on the road! Can't believe I did it...but I did, and not just a few times.

Out of work, bar stop. Drink in car, drink in garage, drink at home. Just the one or two at home didn't seem too suss. Man! Thank god I'm free!

For me, the saddest memory is of waking up hating myself every day. :( So glad I don't do that anymore.

I hear that!

Ugh, waking up and knowing what happened was sometimes worse than waking up not knowing! Either way I ended up with that same feeling of dread... looking forward to never feeling that again!

I agree with site1Q - the times when you woke up and knew what had happened right off the bat were worse than anything. At least a blackout left the hope that since you started the night alone and went to places where you didn't see any acquaintances, the embarrassments happened before strangers' eyes.
On the topic of sharing. Once, when 19 or 20, I went to the watering hole we used to hang out at with a group. Bartender was a fellow sports fan, so I sat there all evening, downing shot after beer after shot. When it was time to go, the bar stool was apparently too high to successfully dismount from. Face planted from a chair in a bar full of people. Anyone else had that ... ?
Feels good to be sober.

For me it was thinking. When can I run downstairs for a quick swig of vodka to "help me though the evening" and add to my alcohol wine intake so I'd actually feel it. Needed vodka for that bump - rationalized it as well at least vodka is lower in calories. See I was being healthy.

Ha. Now that you mention it TB...
I used to mix vodka with hard Apple cider.

Normally I would have mixed it with red bull. I needed the red bull to keep going. Probably 24-32oz of red bull a day. I would mix with coke in the car (McDonald's or wherever I could get a fountain drink).

As an all day drinker, it was making me tired. Instead of stopping, I would add energy drinks. Duh!

mine is drinking almost daily at local bar, and driving home after 8 hours of drinking (almost daily). one night i couldnt make it to my car, so i fell asleep sitting at bar hunched over, arms crossed, with head on arms. on facebook next day ,bar owner took pic of me with big sign beside me reading
"OUT OF SERVICE".
funny , but sad!!!!
iam free now....

Haha Teebee! It's not that funny, more sad, but I once got a DUI and all night I had been drinking my newest invention, beer with a few shots of vodka poured into it. Why do shots on their own when you can just chug it all at once?

Good lord, what was I thinking?!

:headbange

Nice post.

I remember one time years ago, woke up with a hangover in Alberta, Canada and decided I was bored. Woke up the next morning on a street in Mexico City after a bunch of tequila shots with strangers, and with a quarter ounce of weed in my pocket, because by the time I decided I had enough I could no longer find my hotel. :rolleyes2

At least I was thoughtful enough to give my mom a call from the LAX airport during my layover, and let her know I'm heading to Mexico for a bit. That was nice of me.

Thinking back, I could have been killed so many times with the stupid s*it I pulled.

I remember walking home from a bar in the lower east side of Manhattan after I lost my wallet. It was about 5 am and I lived in Midtown, not too far but not close when blackout drunk with no money either. I must have fallen a bunch of times because I had bruises and my pants were dirty when I came to the next day. Anyone watching must have quite a show, ah nyc though where nobody does anything if they see someone in that state.

Best part was my wallet was in my cargo pant lower pocket, I was so drunk I never checked.

I think what I hated the most was not remembering anything from the night before. Waking up and wondering what happen, feeling my heart stop and think well if I don't remember anything bad that happened then I must be in the clear. Many times I run out to the garage making sure I hadn't gotten into a car accident. I was so dumb.

Oh my gosh the "is the car in the garage and did I hit anything" feeling. I hated that feeling. I would do that when I was younger but later in life I would usually hold my heavy drinking until later at night.

Then it would be the "did I put the kids to bed or fall asleep before I did" panicked feeling.

I hate alcohol .

I could come up with hundreds of stories. I prefer not to put myself into that state of self loathing. Can't change the past. Can only work on rebuilding my dignity going forward. That being said, I still get a rush of anxiety when a cop pulls up behind me. Then I have to laugh. Years of guilt of being impaired are still ingrained in my mind.

I have had that feeling: go ahead Mr officer, pull me over. I'm sober! :)

I've come to the conclusion that all my negative traits are magnified when drinking.

Its like i have the two angels on my shoulders that I saw in cartoons growing up. One of them is the source of anxiety, depression, avoidance, "I don't care" attitude, regret, poor diet, and more.

It feels like alcohol and drugs is the primary energy source for the evil angel. I guess what I'm saying is it's more than just AV. It's my EV...evil voice that has had control over me for so long.

Today, I checked my bank account and saw I was Busted. Just a few weeks ago, I would have added about 3 shots to my morning coffee so I could "handle" the news. That would have been followed by going back to bed for a while. Then I'd wake up with wicked anxiety and would need a drink to calm down. Maybe vodka and orange juice that time.

I'd finally take a shower and get ready for work. Feeling defeated, broke, with no hope. I'd hit the road with a travel mug of coffee....and vodka or rum. Drive straight to a liquor store and get a bottle for the road.

Keep in mind...I have a door to door sales job!!!
Duh! Like THAT helped my issues?

Instead...my good angel has the power to guide me. Within minutes of seeing that, I am free of worry and anxiety. I've come up with a solutions to the issue. NONE of which involves spending money on booze!!

I'm able to hit the road on time instead of sleeping more. I improve my odds of making money probably by an infinite amount since I am sharp, not dull.

I am so happy to be free.

I like the angel/devil image! I was always being "lead astray" and then my angel would have me tiring myself out like a lunatic trying to overcompensate!!!

I love this post!!!! It seems like we have come so far, finally being able to look back on our rationalizations and realizing how unbelievable irrational they were! If we were still in our dark days of drinking, we would still be doing these things....inspecting our cars, looking for bottle we're sure still had some left in them, adding booze to the most disgusting mixers imaginable just to get it in, the worry, the anxiety, the self-loathing and the fear of the unknown! It's such a relief to know those days are behind us!

Love love love this post!!!

How about this "rationalization"! I genuinely had myself believe that drinking 1000 calories of booze a day didn't matter if I went out running 4 or 5 times a week!!! Seriously deluded!!

I could add so many horror stories to this list. Today I can kiss my boyfriend because I don't smell like booze. I can hug people. I am not afraid of what bottles are going to be found or having a heart attack after realizing I put that last bottle behind the couch pillow. Hiding things became sloppy. At the end I think I just did it out of respect. Greatful to not be hiding today.

Getting mad and anxious when the liquor store didn't open right on time. I won't miss that at all!!

So happy for you Incontrol. Long may it continue

Yep, that used to **** me off too! Dont care any more

Yeah, the times when I blacked out were the worst. One time I came home from the wedding of one of my nephews and I had been drinking one wine after the other through the entire reception. I'm sure I had some in the car on the way to the wedding. Why wait? I could get a jump on the whole thing and beat everyone else to a buzz.

Drove home and continued the party at my house cause it was my upstairs neighbor's birthday. I stayed with wine, cause mixing is bad. However, so is wine if you drink enough of it. Last thing I remember, I was sitting around the fire pit and talking with the birthday boy. Most of the others had gone home cause it was pretty late. (I was sharing with him about my late husband.)

Next morning I woke up in bed. Went to get up and stand on my two feet and felt excruciating pain. I asked the girlfriend of the birthday boy what happened via text. She said they had helped me to get into the house cause I couldn't walk and laid me out on the couch. "You must have put yourself to bed." They said I couldn't walk cause I was so drunk but having a shattered toe doesn't help either. All I can figure is that I must have dropped a heavy piece of firewood on the knuckle of my left second toe.

My first broken bone and hopefully my last. The worst part of alcohol is you can never tell when the next glass will be the last straw. Rather than play with fire, better to stay away from it altogether. That's the only story I'll share right now. As someone up above said, forward is the battle cry.

For me it was the awful mean things I said to people. The next day I could never believe I had treated people that way.

I never want to be or feel like that fake self righteous a**hole again.

Thank you guys for sharing, I look forward to looking back someday soon and saying "I can't believe that was me!"