Hamartia, you are taking the first step by recognizing the problem and all the input here is so beneficial. This isn't my first try at quitting and being married to alcoholic makes it harder but here I am at Day 5 sober and determined.

Perhaps try a different AA meeting with a different group of people? Medically assisted detox was advised for me because of the amount I consumed and there are several doctors and outpatient options at least where I live. It made the first 3 days bearable.
You can do this if you really want to!

I got sober at 50 and will soon have four years of sobriety

you can do this!

Good morning Hamartia. I looked up the Maya Angelou poem. Very nice. I used Charles Bukowski's Roll the Dice for daily motivation. I've probably read it 5,000 times.

http://www.agonia.net/index.php/poet.../Roll_the_Dice

I tried and tried multiple times to stop drinking, and failed. It wasn't until I actually WANTED to be sober, more than I wanted to be drunk, that things clicked into place and I stopped. There was no way for me to NOT do something that I thought I enjoyed and be happy. I tried for over a decade to NOT drink and that just didn't work for me. Then, when I finally realized that I was slowly killing myself, and making myself feel like total crap in the process, that's when I finally got a few sober days under my belt and realized that life is a billion times better, and I FEEL a billion times better, if I am sober. Once I realized that I actually WANTED to BE SOBER, and not just NOT DRUNK, then that's when the magic happened. I couldn't make myself NOT want to do something destructive that I thought I enjoyed. God knows I tried, over and over and over... I CAN refrain from poisoning myself and ruining my life because now I WANT the opposite! I WANT TO BE SOBER! I WANT TO FEEL AND BE HEALTHY! I WANT TO WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND FEEL GREAT! There's no deprivation whatsoever once I finally decided I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I'm not NOT doing anything. I'm not denying myself of anything. I AM DOING EXACTLY WHAT I WANT AND I AM FINALLY LIVING!

It's all about developing new tools to deal with life, and it can be done!!

My decisions always lead me back to drinking, and so making better decisions, the places I went to, the people I hung out with, that became the foundation to making Sobriety happen in my life!!

You can do it too!! :)

I felt hopeless too, like I'd never be able to stop drinking. But after my last relapse (over five years ago) I was so sick of my life I had to try again to stay sober. And I made it. :)

Just get thru today without drinking. One day at a time. You can do this! :hug:

I'll look that up right now. Thanks.

Skeltoncrue, You may have hit me square between the eyes. I have heard so many tell me how great they feel being sober, and I want so much to be divorced from this alcohol, but I have to ask myself why, then, don't I quit? What is keeping me from quitting? I thought there would be some kind of power that would drag me away from this stuff and enable me to stay away from it forever. The truth is, I am afraid to let go. It has been my crutch for so long. What do I do without it?

This is my weakness and my lesson to learn. Thank you (all of you) for caring enough about another person to try to lift them up out of this mess.



I have prayed that God would take away from me the power of choice -- just remove my mental dependency on alcohol and get me away from it. Maybe, I have to do that myself.

Hey girl, I think I'm a smart one too. I also went through a hard time after the death of my daughter, and felt entitled to do whatever the hell I wanted. I did and did and did, until like you, it felt wrong. AA is not the answer for everyone, and I struggled with it a bit - especially the higher power, But I learned that the higher power was the people supporting me as I quit. While some people at AA are very new, very emotional, and very hard on themselves, I often like to go to 'open' meetings, where a longtime sober AA member tells their story, not in a pity me way, injects some humor here and there, and always leaves me walking away with something to think about. These are people who've rebuilt their lives and had years to analyze and reach real conclusions about themselves. You may wish to try one of those meetings first - the audience doesn't speak. You will find less misery and self pity and more stories of hope. I do go to the closed meetings and you are correct, those in early sobriety such as I was in and still am in have a lot of crying, people in and out relapsing, it can be hard, but I've decided it's more important to slog this road.
If you make a plan, give it a shot. If the plan is wrong for you, revamp it. There are many ways to get sober. I just couldn't do it alone - that was me. Best to you

I haven't read the whole thread as yet. I think we can share with others what our sobriety is to us, how we more than just live with it, how we flourish living a changed life ie a life without alcohol, and changing whatever behaviors to seek out alcohol. There are many programs, therapies, and techniques to quit for the choosing.

One size does not fit all. Sharing experiences, doing what works, not doing what doesn't work, not giving up no matter how dire the circumstances, never quitting on ourselves. I think these all share commonality with many others who stay quit year after year.

And yeah, there is always a way out of drinking. Always. There are some extreme medical conditions directly attributed to alcohol which can cause chronic health problems, even death when organs fail. Sad enough, eh?

With that in mind, there is no better time to quit than now.

It was so painful for me, week after week doing the same thing, wash, rise, repeat, I just said and felt I cannot do this any more, I cannot endure this ridiculous life any more. I wanted to stop the hideous merry-go-round & get my life back. When I look at people/friends now in that state I just can't believe how or why I suffered that & for so long.

Oh, my -- I have never thought about it much, but my life right now is so much pain -- so much! I have said to God that I'm good with dying -- in fact I think maybe it would be a true release from all of this.

I have felt hopeless about this -- about the direction of my life. I do for others constantly -- they know who to call -- and I am so overworked and busy that I collapse with a glass of Crown or a good vodka -- or a good glass of wine and think this is nice. But two, three, four, maybe five drinks later -- it's not nice, it's ugly and so am I.

I've done hard, difficult things before for others -- for my daughter and terminally ill husband, but me? I may have to go away somewhere -- somewhere where I can think, get all of this out of my system, but I hate to do this alone -- don't know if I can.

How are you doing today Hamartia? Have you abstained?

buk1000,
I have read Roll the Dice about five times now. I have written the poem in my ledger word for word. Somehow, I hope I can sear every word of this on my brain. "If you're going to try, go all the way. . . . There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods and the nights will flame with fire."

buk1000,
It's 4:13 here. I made it to 1:30 -- that's all. Sunday is a hard day for me because I am generally at home -- being home right now (well, I drink to stay here -- stay in the house -- in the same rooms with . . . . Anyway, no, -- no -- as always, I didn't make it damnit -- as always.

I have to make some very big changes. "it could mean freezing on a park bench. . . . "

If you are a reader there is a sticky at the top of this forum with a lot of great books about addiction and recovery you may want to check out.

You can do this. It isn't easy, but it's worth it.

Did you make it longer than you did yesterday? That counts as a success. The fact that you are here shows you have a glimmer of hope that you can do something different. I get the impression that you are really burned out and stressed. What can you do tomorrow that will help you cope with the stress in your life? Just one little thing.
I have quit drinking more times than I can count. I have been here on SR for 5 years and not had more than a month at most of sobriety in that whole time, usually only a few days or a week at a time. But I know that I can refrain - I've done it before. As long as you keep learning. Find your triggers. Read about habit change - it isn't easy, but it is doable. Read and ask questions here. There's lots of support here.

Also remember this part:

Do it, do it, do it, do it.

My Plan
 

1. Eat Well
2. No alcohol in the house
3. Stop and do something fun or relaxing before I get that stressed,
anxious feeling.
4. Stay Busy
5. Read something motivational every hour
6. Check in here at 11:30; 3:30; 5:00; and 8:00 (Trigger times for me)

This is Day 1. If there is someone who is also at Day 1 or 2 or whatever and wants to join me today, in staying sober and going to sleep tonight feeling good and waking up feeling great, let's do it!