Unhappy Hour
 

Hi everyone,

Day 57 for me. I recently started a new job and just found out there is a happy hour scheduled with upper management as well as my coworkers and boss who I barely know. I don't feel comfortable skipping it, since I think that could make me look like I'm not a team player but I haven't even been in a bar atmosphere since I made the decision to get sober. I just worry that being in that atmosphere with a bunch of people I don't know and the nerves from upper management and being this early in my sobriety, and people asking me why I'm not drinking... I guess I'm just scared. I've avoided places like this so far because I care more about my sobriety than anything else, so I've been good about avoiding triggers.

Any tips, words of wisdom, encouragement, anything? I'm terrified of jeopardizing all I've worked for just because I get social anxiety and am put to the ultimate test. Thanks everyone

From what I've read on here very few people in the position you are going to be in have found that anybody does comment on them sticking to soft drinks.

Maybe have a dip into this forum before joining up with them and taking a few bathroom breaks so you have some time of peace to remind yourself of your success at dropping the alcohol - and again maybe checking in here.

Maybe sit down and make a list of every reason you have not to drink, and read it before you go to remind you what you will be giving up if you slip. 57 days is really good, and you do not want to lose that, and disappoint yourself, and others who care about you. Also, you are worried about the impression you will make, but drinking to calm nerves will not help. I do not know what kind of person you will are when you drink, but if you go over board and drink to much that will not make a good impression at all. I wish you the best. You have been strong for almost 2 months, have confidence in yourself.

If you have to go, just say "I don't drink" and then order a soft drink. If they ask you why, just say you've had your fill of drinking and don't drink anymore. :) If they still bug you, ask them why your not drinking bothers them... :) That usually leaves them quiet. ;)

There are tons of people in this world who don't drink for a variety of reasons. They don't need to know it's because you have a problem.

I doubt anyone will go as far as asking why you want a water instead of a drink, but if they do just tell them there is no reason, you're just not a drinker. Sounds like at day 57 that's the truth for you!

Try to remember you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you drink or not.

Keep it simple, some people don't drink and you're now part of that group!!

No explanations needed!! :)

In some ways you are in an ideal situation. You get the opportunity to establish yourself as a non-drinker right out of the gate. I don't expect there will be any questions. It think the questions tend to come when coworkers already know you as part of the drinking crowd at work and then you quit.

Congrats on 57 days!

If someone is concerned that you don't drink they probably have a problem with drinking.

I have no wisdom to impart for your situation. But hearty congrats on 57!

Tomorrow will be 58. You can do that.

I agree with Purpleknight. Keep it simple. I have been in those exact situations and I just ordered a Diet Coke and let the server know to just keep them coming if my glass was empty. She never asked if I wanted another, just kept them coming. No one else ever asked, or cared what I was drinking. I was the only one in the group that woke up feeling great the next morning...

Just have a plan in place before you go and stick to it. I think you'll find that we focus on our drinking more than other's ever do.

You don't drink, simple as that.

You can do this!

Thank you everyone! I expect most people to leave it alone when I tell them I just don't drink but I worry about my coworkers as it sounds like they have had their fair share of fun in events like these before, and I know from experience a drunk ALWAYS wants to know why someone isn't sharing in the fun. Or maybe that was just me trying to get others to drink so I wouldn't feel like I had a problem? Lol. I'm not even sure anymore. I know that I assume someone who's not drinking is either like me and on the road to recovery or they just don't like to drink (I'll never understand this person but an extremely envious of them!) and either way I guess I don't usually question it.

I know drinking is not the answer, besides I'd probably embarrass myself and wake up upset that I drank and probably jobless it's really in my coworkers' best interest as well as my own that I abstain.

I'm mainly worried because this group is quite close and they've all gone out for drinks before so I'm terrified that they will insist on buying me a drink or something to make me feel like I'm part of the team. I've been trying to drop hints since I started that I'm not much of a drinker, that my husband and I are homebodies and don't really go our on weekends, that I'm trying to get in shape (always a good reason not to drink) because I figured a day like this would come up. I just don't even like the idea of being in a bar or around a bunch of drunk people I barely know. :/

Seriously though, thank you all for your support and reinforcement. I'm definitely going to have SR on speed dial when we go and you have given me some really good tips. It's hard for me to remember that no one needs to know why I don't drink anymore because I always feel the need to justify why I don't or provide some explanation to make THEM feel better.

I LOVE this. Turning the questioning around on them- just perfect :)

Make an appearance but let it be known that you don't drink and don't prefer to hang out in bars...then say your goodbyes and leave. Otherwise if you stay you will likely get invited to other drinking events and will feel uncomfortable saying no until one day it's your downfall.

Protect your sobriety. They can't fire you for not going to an after-work social event.

I would guess you don't have to stay long either. Spend some time reading here first, affirm that you will not drink at the function. Make sure to say hi to your boss and upper management, just to show them you are a team player. I don't know about you, but I noticed that I am way more confident without the booze. I am not self conscious about slurring my words, etc etc. Then, you can slip out the door when things start getting cray-cray!

I agree with Lance40. You have the opportunity of establishing yourself as non-drinking right from the start.

Recently, I had to face a company dinner, too. My problem was that they all know me as a drinker, the guy who'd do shots all night long until someone poured me in an Uber cab for the ride home. My approach was simple. When asked for my drink order I said (confidently!) "San Pellegrino with lime." And when I was pushed for more of an explanation, I said, "I wasn't drinking tonight." No one pressed the issue further.

And I also had an exit plan. I left during the break between entrees and dessert. By that time I had spent a couple of hours with the group, they had their buzz on and didn't care about what I was doing. Leaving before dessert also ensured that I didn't get caught in their post meal bar hopping.

So my advice is to have a plan. And then act on it (or adapt it), and don't drink. No matter what.

Congratulations on 57 days Kafka.

I know your not looking forward to it and I completely understand why, but don't forget to try and enjoy it if you possibly can. If you have a bit of conversation going people won't be overly concerned with your (non) drinking.
Plus it helps a bit with your profile

It's not usually the people who DON'T drink that get talked about the following morning

Kafkaeque, so this has happened to me a lot in my early sobriety and I agree with others that you're in a good spot to establish yourself as a non-drinker.

For me, as someone that always drank, I now just order club soda (looks like a vodka soda) . I've never been pressed as to why, even by people I used to drink with, but will usually just add something to make sure nobody buys me a drink or starts asking questions. A simple "I'm on allergy medication," "have to be up early tomorrow," "have something to do when I get home," etc always works. People will very quickly forget you are even not drinking, or never even notice in the first place.

Hi Kafk, I'll go out on a limb and guess you won't be the only one not drinking alcohol. I will also go out on a limb and say that someone (or two) will end up getting a little too festive and it will be discussed at work.

Make it clear you're a non drinker - and remember that not everyone obsesses about drinking like we do/did - it's ok to refuse a drink, and perfectly ok to say 'no thanks I don't drink'

Come in early (before everyone is wasted), stay for about half an hour.
If someone ask you if you want a drink say:
yes, a diet coke would be great. Thank you (or whatever non alcoholic drink you like)
Leave it at that. I betcha anything that no one asks you why you don't drink.
It's not just alcoholics who don't drunk you know, diabetics, people in some religions like Muslims, Buddhists or Mormons, people into fitness and then some people just don't like it.
When you make your early exit, if someone ask you why you are leaving early just say:
I have to get up early tomorrow.
No need for details.

It's probably more an issue in your mind than theirs. It's pretty likely that what you're drinking or not drinking will not even cross their minds.

I completely understand your dilemma, but simply put your sobriety is worth everything. Having made a complete **S of myself at a business function with my husband, trust me- having stuck to my sobriety for 2 hours and had club soda with lime instead of wine would have me today with many less regrets, guilt and shame. It isn't worth it. If you are honest with yourself, the first drink will lead you down the path you do not want to go again. Congrats on almost 2 months! You can do it!

I have a similar issue having drank heavily with co-workers and bosses before and having around the same time sober as you. This summer will be a challenge, but I'm seriously thinking about making up a vague medical diagnosis as an excuse.

Let us know how you did! Always good to see our member hold strong!

Thank you everyone for your support and advice! I totally agree with having a plan On The Road and Lance! I didn't think about it, but actually having a set time I will stay there like half an hour or so as others mentioned and I think I'll set a plan for why I'm leaving in case anyone notices me sneak out. I'll definitely be ordering a kiddie cocktail or something since it'll look close enough to the real thing.

I just want all my new coworkers to like me so much that I want to make sure I have all of my 'sober devices' with me to make sure I don't end up drinking as my failed attempt to get my coworkers to like me and accept me as part of the group. You all have given me so much advice and comfort, though. You're right that I don't owe anyone an explanation for not drinking. People don't usually notice things like that and I bet I'm imaging the event far worse in my head just out of normal paranoia. I keep forgetting that not everyone obsesses over drinking like I do, so most won't even notice me not drinking.

Also, thank you to those of you who commented on me having a fresh start and the ability to establish myself as a non-drinker! I can't believe I didn't see it that way, instead I saw this as a situation where I'd be letting people down by not drinking with the team. So thank you all for helping me remain calm, create a strategic plan to enjoy the event but get our before it's too late, and helping me see the silver lining!

I KNOW I can do this and I'm going to keep reminding myself that if abstaining from alcohol will not be letting anyone down other than myself. Thank you thank you thank you all! The event was re-scheduled for next week so I will let you know how it goes :) I know I'll have SR easily accessible ... Just in case ;)

This.

It's like if my boss was going to jump off a cliff... and I didn't participate, would I be questioning my choice to not jump off a cliff? Sure I will go watch them jump off a cliff if it makes me part of their crowd, but being part of their crowd only goes so far until it puts me in danger.

If they drink, fine. if your employment is based on whether you drink or not you need to find a different employer.

I found no one cared if I drank or not, as long as I didn't condone them for drinking. I see fools jumping off the cliff every day, it doesn't mean I have to join them in order to work with them. If my work isn't good enough than again, I need to seek other employment.

Another thought: There may be other co-workers there not drinking! Just because they show up for an office hangout doesn't mean they're all drinkers as well. You could have some support there and not even know it yet!

I just had this happen and I was nervous too....I ordered a club soda (after going to the bathroom ahead of time to let the group settle) I positioned myself to be asked 'later' (not first), what I wanted, and later, when I was offered a drink, I said I had to get going soon and no one cared that I didn't drink. I will say, strangely, I did notice (not judge, noticed), a co-worker quickly drank 4 straight vodkas shots, not a beer whatsoever, within the first hour of said Happy Hour, and I would say, that's what was being noticed. As well, he came to work and had to leave early b/c he felt quite ill. I felt sad to see that, but was a reminder that I was doing the right thing! I do think that sometimes people will bluntly ask and in that case, less is more, so have fun, be confident, and Congrats on 57 days! Awesome job!