I was doing well - then I ****** up big time.
 

So basically did most of Feb sober apart from a couple of slip ups- and same again in Jan, apart from one.

Did all of March sober, during which time I was staying at a Buddhist monastery.

Then came to Chiang Mai for Songkran festival (Thai new year) on the 14th of April - and then fell off the wagon spectacularly. Feel pretty bad about myself needless to say and that now I may have lost all the merits I did to myself last month.

And actually seriously worried I may have done myself permanent damage - I'm 30, started drinking at 20, became a 'problem drinker' about 3 or 4 years ago.

Had a liver function test 2 and a half years ago, but that came back negative for any problems.

I'd been doing so, so well . . . and then I ****** up big time.

Anyways, just had to get that off my chest. Now, I'm in Pai, think the best thing for me to do is go back and spend another week at the monastery, really - and see if I can at least regain some of the mindfulness I gained and then lost. Motorbikes waiting outside.

Hope everyone heres doing good - its been a while since I signed in here.

welcome back AGAGONNHOJ :)

Go back to the monastery by all means - sounds great - but unless you plan to live there forever, perhaps use this time to give some thought to how you'll live in the material world too?

have you got a plan? There are some good ideas here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Go easy on yourself right now. Based on your post, it seems you have what it takes to make it sober for good. If you can think of any triggers that caused your relapse, you can use this as a learning experience. I fell off the wagon on Wednesday. The guilt still stings. :/

Do you do better with outside structure and support? If so, you should stay close to SR and keep us on dial while you go through the hard bits. The people here have been invaluable in getting a more focused sobriety.

Best wishes for your upcoming travels.

I think what you have said makes a lot of sense, Pouncer. SR has been invaluable in getting me to stay mostly sober since New Year.

I think it was definitely the social anxiety that caused it - because I've been doing so well living in Chiang Rai, got some amazing friends there, and when not with them enjoy spending time alone in the mountains around the city when not teaching English (what I currently do for a living).

So staying booze free from NYE until mid-March (when I started my first monastery stay this year) wasn't so much of a problem as I've been really happy living in CR.

But then went to Chiang Mai for the world famous Songkran water fights, and it was being on my own in a dorm without friends - and then slipped up - over a period of nearly a week, just couldnt stop.

Don't give up hope. I suffer from social anxiety, too. In fact, I think everyone I have talked to here at SR also has social anxiety. I am an introvert, but ironically loneliness and boredom are my major triggers. So is happiness. Addicts are a strange breed.

Find out what your triggers are and find out what you are most afraid of in sobriety. The need for escape is very strong when I want to drink, but I cannot address that need when I didn't even know what it was that I am escaping. Stay close to SR, too. The kindness and support from other addicts is critical in getting perspective and staying sober.

By the way, congratulations on your long stint of sobriety. That is something to be proud of, truly.

Glad your bk AG

Congratulations on your period of sobriety, you can do this!

Sounds like you know where you went wrong. Safe travels and be kind to yourself :-)

Go at things again AGAGONNHOJ!!

But change up your plan, there are always going to be festivals, birthdays, events, weddings, new years etc etc, the challenge is live our lives now as a non drinker!!

You can do this!! :)

Thanks everyone so much for your supportive, kind words. Means more than I can ever say.

I definitely feel a load better now, after a week of meditation. Though a bit tired from spending a lot of time on the motorbike - Wat Tam Wua is on the Mae Hong Son loop road, and decided to follow that all the way around and back to Chiang Mai.

Should be OK - just going to chill with a book at my guesthouse I think - picked up some Jack Kerouac on a book-swap shelf! Getting back to Chiang Rai in a couple of days, looking forward to seeing friends and being back home for a bit.

Though feeling a bit anxious as my school suddenly decided they aren't going to use my agency this year - meaning me and the other agency teacher both now have to find new jobs. I've been offered a position already, for more money. But with the other guy it's a different story, as while I'm a native speaker of English, he isn't - he's French.

And he's got an English wife who's extremely heavily pregnant, who's also a teacher at the moment, but who's going to have to stop working for a bit at some point, as it's due any week now.

But thats another worry for another time - given how well I was doing in CR, should hopefully be pretty easy to get back on it (so to speak) - without the being without friends, in a party hostel, in the craziness of Songkran, I was living happily, healthily and sober.

And now I've got the Buddha - I *AM* my own "higher power" ;) xxxx

Yeah, Songkran probably isn't the best time to be in Thailand for an alcoholic, that's for sure.

Glad to hear you're out of the monastery, and doing well again. Will PM you about your experience there.

Yeah, feeling a load better now. Still a bit worried about health and suchlike, felt very slightly agitated when leaving the monastery - due mainly to fears about trusting myself in the outside world. By the time I left, felt well and truly detoxed, and achieved a fair amount.

And right now (I'm spending a night in Mae Sariang, last town on the loop, 150 or so km from Chiang Mai), feel a bit tired, drained etc, but that's probably more to do with spending long hours on a motorbike, in the full glare of the sun, wearing a heavy helmet! Should probably drink some more water in a bit.