Breaking the spell : advice asked
 

I'm determined to break this spell, so any feedback is appreciated.

Three questions:
1. What age did you manage to achieve sobriety?
2. What did you do to achieve it?
3. What do you do to maintain it?

I probably (should) know that I need support as I've failed solo. They say find mentors in what you want to be successful in, so I'm thinking of the AA route. It would possibly kill the isolation too which is probaby contributing to the slipping.

My problem is that I want to quit drinking for good, but then I just seem to suddenly change my mind. I've been trying to examine why. As a coping mechanism when I can't figure a personal problem out? Wallowing in isolation? Anger? Family issues and past issues. I spent too long at home during Christmas and felt I was carrying some emotional hangover that I couldn't shake off for weeks after. Never again.

I'd like to just break it once and for all.

Well I think you have put your finger on it. 'Then I change my mind' could be my motto.

I am starting again after 11 months sober last year. I 'changed my mind' and drank again. But perhaps my mind was changed for me by the addiction. It seems we need every tool we can summon up to stop that happening. A positive attitude - i.e. seeing sobriety as an escape from a deadly trap rather than giving up a pleasure, one to one support, if it is available (that's what I am doing), and maybe group support. That usually means AA, though other brands are available.

Good luck to you friend.

1. 41 (after drinking in a problematic way since about 15 - not all the time, but once I started drinking you could bet I'd be blackout or at least legless drunk before I'd stop).

2. I started off on my own, and almost lost my sanity mistakenly thinking that just 'not drinking' would be enough. Finally I realised that alcoholism IS a kind of insanity, and I needed contact with others who understood me, so I got myself to AA, going to a variety of meetings 'til I found the ones where I felt most comfortable. I listened for similarities to learn from and overlooked the differences between myself and others in the fellowship. I read and listened LOTS. Gradually I started taking more of an active part. Helping with chairs; washing up; etc.; sharing my thoughts; and learning to accept help. I also has some counselling which my boss referred me for when the dry-drunk-depression hit me big time and she got proper worried about me (unlike my Doctor who said I'd just get over it)

3. I'm continuing with meetings at AA and coming on here. Reading lots. Working through the 12-steps and learning to take responsibility for myself and LIVE sober (not just be a dry drunk), and learning to understand my fears and anxieties; my resentments; my character defects and strengths; and coming to terms with my past so that I am ready to live my future. In social situations I have become very selfish. My sobriety comes before anything or anyone else. If people don't understand that then that's kind of tough, as it's non-negotiable. I do go out, but on my terms, and often will escape, Cinderella like, into the night to get away from alcohol and drunk people who are starting to get on my nerves (karma hey!!) but a lot earlier than midnight unless there's a good band playing.

I think you're asking yourself the right questions. Maintain sobriety for me is working on the stuff you wrote in the second paragraph. Coping mechanisms, anger, etc.

Before I could do that, I absolutely had to stop drinking. I took it off the table. No matter what, I wouldn't drink. No changing my mind. The rest has been a work in progress. I come here every day and read and post. I attend AA meetings for the fellowship.

Age? I started working on getting sober at 39. I turned 50 in November and I have 15 months sober. I'd recommend quitting sooner than later.

For me when the plan wasn't working it was time to change up the plan!!

Isolation never worked for me, support was key to counteract what my mind was trying to sell me, the reasons why I should drink!!

You can do this!! :)

PS. These are the AA promises. They actually DO come true!

The AA Promises
1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed
before we are half way through.
2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience
can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -
sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

I got sober at 31 and i accepted that i cant drink alcohol safely or responsibly

I went mtns group therapy seen an alcohol addiction outreach team i done service & volenteered and i completed 2 new college courses

36, I started going to AA, I still go to AA and still take suggestions. I honestly don't do enough of the other things we are supposed to do and I'm feeling it lately... Not that I want to drink but I'm in a negative head space for sure.

You can do this; pick a plan, any plan and see it through.

43

I accepted that I am an alcoholic and that I cannot drink, under any circumstances, without major repercussions. I also accepted that I will ALWAYS be an alcoholic and that there is no "cure". So the only solution is to never, ever pick up even one drink - for the rest of m life.

I use the support of SR and my family on a daily basis. I try to help others as well who were in my same situation as me, help newcomers, and learn from those with much more sober time than I.

Yeah the reason why I asked about age....is I think I have a lot of self-anger and self-hatred that i have not taken care of this sooner.

I'm 38 and feel like a dick that I've not put this to bed sooner. I can remember at 29 thinking "there's no way I'm going to drag this into my thirties" after an unsavoury incident....and 9 years later, the same ****.

Rather than be happy when I hear somebody has achieved sobriety before my age I think I feel a pang of jelousy and then self-loathing; coming from that place of knowing I am a bloody idiot. What an ego.

I'm now 58, securely and unconditionally abstinent since August 2011. The answers to the rest of your question are here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

I would have felt the same top, Crimson. Hell, when I hear someone got sober at 30 I get a little jealous!

So now what? What's the plan of action to stop?

If you do go to AA and do the 12-step programme, one of the things that you can learn (if you choose to!! - I can think of at least one person who has made the decision to stay angry as it's his 'right') is how to get past those resentments. Resentments against yourself, and against other people. Raging against yourself or others isn't a good way to keep sober and happy. Go steady on yourself. Many people need to hit rock bottom before they find the incentive to fight their addiction. Much better to put that emotional energy into getting a sobriety plan of action together for yourself now. No amount of anger will change the past.

'Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.'

I was 39/40 when I got sober. I found this community was a great help and I recommend you throw tyourself into it

The bottom line tho was I decided I didn't want to drink anymore - no matter what.

I accepted that I could never be the kind of drinker I wanted to be...which was basically someone who drank as much as he could without any ill effects.

I saw the way that Drinking road ended and it wasn't pretty.

D

Thanks for taking the time to write all of that. I think the AA is where I need to head. Be actively sober rather than taken it as a given that 'I don't drink anymore thus that's that'.

I kicked off at age ten, by the end of high school I'd been hospitalised three times as a resuLt of drinking, including a stomach pump.

Periods of control, and abstinence, but it just got worse.

Nothing scared me sober.

Beatings, car prang's, locked up..... Blah blah blah

No matter what I resolved or promised or vowed..... It just didn't happen.

An example of the category 3 "hopeless " variety alcoholic.

Throughout the history of alcoholism, there have always been three types.

Those who abuse alcohol for a period of their lives and eventually they get sick and tired of being sick and tired and they resolved "never again " and they quit.

Those who abuse alcohol for a period of their lives and eventually something really bad happens, normally something that threatens their security or health or both and they quit.

Then there's my type, nothing stops us, we want to stop, but it just never happens, despite repeated attempts, therapy, medicines..... Whatever.

Anyway...... Long story short, I have stopped and stayed stopped working the 12 steps and having a spiritual awakening.

Age 42.

Will power was sufficient to end drug use, but with booze that was a somewhat unhelpful power

Don't be too hard on yourself Crimson, I knew I was an alcoholic at age 18.
Now going on 50 I will have 2 years in exactly 2 months. I had to go through 30 years of hell to figure out that 'my' way wouldn't work. I needed the guidance that I found in A.A. and by working the 12 steps. I have to do the things I don't want to do. It is way easier to stay sober than to get sober. It get's better.

Began recognizing the need to 'cut down' and that drinking was sorely impacting my life in my late thirties. Though in my early thirties I'd gotten a DUI and been sentenced to AA, and in my early 20's had been in trouble with the law and had been blacking out and binge drinking since 14.... I hadn't 'recognized' any issue until my early thirties. So, at that time I began actual efforts to moderate and to go entirely without. I managed a 45 day no-drinking stint at one point. But apart from that.... couldn't go more than maybe a week or so without going back to drinking and was often drinking when I'd truly not wanted to....

So then in my late thirties I got ANOTHER DUI.... and with that and a few other escalating incidents around my family life, I could no longer deny the problem. At 39 I managed to string together 5 months of sobriety whereupon I decided I was "fine". Had only needed a "reset". Then came another 1.5 year relapse and the worst-ever pattern of blackouts, binges, habitual uncontrollable drinking. Mostly alone and in 'secret'.

I finally entered into what I consider real sobriety at 42. I did it with AA and SR and counseling and big changes to my lifestyle and focus on healthfulness and a genuine DESIRE to choose sobriety. It has been rich, rewarding, challenging, frustrating, depressing and wonderful. It has been far from easy but it has been more worth it than I'd ever imagined. My life is improving all the time and my mind and body are feeling better than ever.

It took me all those years and all those negative consequences because I was too stubborn to admit to myself what I was doing to my life, because I was too stubborn and proud to seek help, because I was too afraid to change. I am sure - had I been willing to accept in my early thirties and embraced AA and sobriety - that my life would be unrecognizable in its goodness today. I would have one less DUI on my record and would be financially secure and so much further ahead.....

But, that was my path and I accept and don't resent. I cherish my sobriety and my life today and I'm grateful every day that I made this choice. Life is deep, rich and joyful and every moment of it is a choice; to LIVE it and embrace it - or to blot it out with poison.

I choose life....

:ring

1. I was 38. Had recognised my problem drinking since age 18.
2. I truly wanted to change.
3. Constant vigilance ie AVRT. sounds like hard work but really is just a good habit that can be acquired.

Same age for me. I didn't want to change though. I thought I had a problem at 18, went to AA, decided I wasn't as bad as those people and continued my self destruction through drugs and alcohol all the way up until I was 34/35. I made it 30 days and again, felt I wasn't that bad. I finally got some time now...at 38. I use AA, AVRT, SR, and anything else I can get my hands on. The difference now is I have an open mind. I don't have to be as bad as someone else, I was bad enough for me.

Jennifer

the funny thing about all of us who thought "we weren't as bad as those people" in AA is this;

we all went out and kept on going.... until we were.

Bring the body and the mind will follow.
What does that mean? I heard that saying
a number of times thru out my recovery
and at first I never truly understood it.

The more I tried to figure it out the more
frustrated I got. Sooooo, I stopped racking
my brain and just did it. I continued to
follow direction and suggestions until one
day I understood the meaning of all those
important saying in recovery.

I suited up each day and brought my
body to meetings, open my ears, mind
and heart long enough to let things I
heard sink in.

The longer I followed in the footsteps
of many who learned how to remain sober
a many one days at a time themselves,
the longer I remained sober myself and
understood what addiction was, is and its
affects on my own mind, body and soul.

Once I stopped fighting and surrendered
to the process of recovery and remained
teachable then acceptance became the key
to open the door to my sober life living
happy, joyous and free one day at a time.

1. 44 years old when I put it down

2. I made sobriety my number one priority and did whatever I had to do in the beginning. No excuses. I even took time away from kids and work if I had to. I went to a lot of AA meetings, changed routines, stayed away from triggers, whatever.

3. Now I have found a routine in AA that is working for me. Good contacts, good meetings, etc... My life doesn't revolve around it as it seems to for some people but I believe in balance. I visit here often because it helps me remember what life was like and hopefully I can share experience. I've also been reading some books to help.

Best wishes that you find something that works for you.

Thanks for all your replies. I recognise myself in all of them.

It needs to be this time. I'm frustrated with it. It's like when things are going right I self destruct.

I cannot get out of bed. I'm 3 days in bed. 3 days of not eating, apart from some toast. The place is a mess. I just feel a dead weight.

There's aa tonight or Friday. Not sure if I'd get to the one tonight. I need to get back to work. Or I'm fvcked. This is bad.

I'm 33 and have known I was an alcoholic for about 4 years now.
I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. And the amount of money we spend drinking is ridiculous. At one point it was almost $500 a month. That's more than my car payment!
I'm so new to this alcoholism thing that I don't know exactly what will work in terms of maintaining sobriety. But I do know that I'm hard-headed and a brat and when I want something I get it and I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be sober.

1. What age did you manage to achieve sobriety? I'm 49 now and back to getting sober (on 35 days this time). Been trying on and off for about 4 years with increasing success. Each time I relapse I learn a bit more. Hopefully this time will be forever.
2. What did you do to achieve it? Was totally honest with myself about what drinking had done to my life (in terms of career, relationships, health, finances) and realised I wanted to enjoy the rest of my life.
3. What do you do to maintain it? Eat well (very important). Go the gym and move a lot in general (if I'm getting fidgety I just get up and go out for a walk). Read a lot.

A few months before I turned 55 I was taken from my job due to alcohol. I decided I was never gonna let alcohol affect my life again. I made the commitment to never drink again.
I was sent to rehab by my employer and did a couple months of aa meetings. When my "employer" determined I was better, they let me go.

I discovered SR a year ago. Have stuck around here since.
I also discovered AVRT. All I did was the "Crash Course". It was all I needed to do. That and log onto SR when I was craving in the early go of it. In two weeks I'll have fifteen months. Actually I spend too much time on SR I think. But spring is coming.

In my first ever meeting I think they saw someone who hadn't looked after themselves too well and emphasised HALT.

Hunger
Anger
Loneliness
Tired

These are four common triggers for alcoholics.

One of the first steps to getting better and learning a new responsibility for yourself and your drinking is in being watchful for those HALT triggers, and avoiding them wherever and whenever possible.

I would suggest getting to the first meeting possible, and in the meantime get some food in you to keep your blood-sugar levels up. (Lots of people swear by high sugar in the first few month, but I think that affected my emotional stability.) If you can't eat much at first maybe get some Lucozade Original in - the high glucose one - then you will hopefully feel more like eating shortly after. The meeting will help. I would say def don't isolate, as this won't help. I should imagine that after the meeting you will start feeling more positive and will be able to face work more easily. In the meantime make sure you contact them and don't burn any bridges, but if you haven't eaten then you're going to need to rest a little longer. Not bed rest though. Mind rest. I bet you'll feel much better and ready to face the world after a shower and fresh clothes. (Body first and mind will follow hey).

You can do this, but no-one can eat for you, or get to that meeting for you.

Get yourself an action plan, just for today. It is important to Keep It Simple, but it's also important to actually DO it.

EG.
Wash
Dress
Get food & non-alc drink (even if from an overpriced local store - and avoid walking past the booze if you can)
Have a small meal
Wash up
Go to meeting
Read through AA literature
Write action plan for tomorrow
Sleep


Good luck.
xx

PS - I'd say for first AA meeting, arrive about 10 mins early to the actual start time. And take some tissues (it can be quite overwhelming and lots of people have a few tears. Some people cry loads (I did).

Let us know how it goes Crimson, We are all interested.

Thanks! I kind of had a 'Roll over and die or get up and fight this bitch' moment. I got up and took a long, long, long shower.....then I scrubbed the place from top to bottom. Meeting would have been on at 7pm but I kept cleaning and then made a meal with what was there. I got a nice walk in which was shaky but good. Up for work the next day, out of sorts a little. Today felt better. I was going to the 7pm meeting tonight but....well boy and girl made up. Just when I accepted it was gone.

I bought a book for my kindle: Alcoholism to Recovery/ I'll Stop Tomorrow. I've been reading that and upon starting it I thought it was going to be waffle...but I've actually been surprised by the descriptions of alcoholic thought patterns. So accurate. Acceptance time. This isn't going away unless I take responsibility for it.

It's interesting you mention the HALT. The last two benders I was seriously lacking in food and in place of going for a nap as I was wrecked...I surfed on the net. Someone recently commented to me that I seem to be seriously affected by my physical state. If I don't eat every 2-3 hours my energy drops drastically and I make...errors.