A little input, please
 

I was going to post this on someone else's thread but I didn't want to hi-jack it with my own issues.

I've been alone for a pretty long time. No family, friends are married or engaged and have their own lives to live so I don't get to hang out with them much. And when I do I'm always the 3rd wheel. Had some close calls with romantically minded women over the last few years, but I always nipped it in the bud because I didn't want to drag them into my booze-soaked life, and also didn't want to clear any time in my drinking schedule to make room for them. So here I am, a pretty lonely guy.

Weeeeell...there's a new girl at work. We connected right off the bat like we've known each other for years. She's cute and funny and a bit of a goof. I am absolutely crushing on her! And I get the impression that the feeling is mutual.

I know that ideally I should have much more sober time under my belt before getting involved romantically (I'm in my 3rd week), but she won't be single for long. If not me, then some other dude is going to snatch her up and then I'll get to work with her every day and probably hear about all the fun stuff that she and her bf did over the weekend.

I can imagine the comments now. "Bad idea, SDH."

Is there any chance that this could be a good thing in early sobriety? Maybe some respite from the loneliness I've been dealing with for so long?

As I said, there have been other interested women over the years, but this is different. It's not just that there's a physical attraction there, we have fun together at work. Yes, we have FUN at WORK together. We just fit.

Anyway, neither of us has really "made a move" at the other, but every day we're together the flirting seems to edge a little closer to genuine affection.

FWIW, I'm using AVRT, not AA. Don't know if that changes anything.

Am I f****d? Is this a "no win" situation?

I think what you are feeling is normal however sober time side dating people from work can sometimes get messy. Only you can know what is best for you.

You're right, Della. I've maintained a strict "no dating at work" rule for myself. Which is another reason that I've had to nip a few in the bud. Then again, haven't felt like this about anyone in years. It'd be a shame to let the "right" person get away because the time or place was "not-so-right".

Here's my advice: Don't date anyone you work with.

I had to learn the hard way. Fell for a fellow intern. We got engaged. She broke the engagement off. I was heartbroken. We still worked at the same place and I saw her daily. It made me absolutely miserable.

If you think you can stay sober through miserable, good luck.

If you enjoy working together, have fun, that's wonderful. And a rare thing at work. So keep it at that level and stop future tripping about a lifetime relationship when you don't even have a month sober yet...

I would say it kind of depends on her drinking habits, but I would probably go for it. Before I quit for good I dated a woman who rarely drank and that kept me sober for months because I was happy with her and didn't want to look like a jack*ss in front of a sober person I was dating. For me, loneliness was a big issue in getting sober.

And yes, dating at work can be tricky. Another can of worms, but still might be worth it.

I was going to say that take away the 3 weeks sobriety issue - it's dating a co-worker.

eep.
I couldn't. No way. Work/Relationship worlds colliding. Uh uh.

My loneliness is why I never even considered getting sober for many years.

And that suited everyone but myself. What have you got to lose? Go for it

Danger Will Robinson.

I will never never never never date anyone from work again. Or even customers from work.

Looking back, at three weeks sobriety my brain was still really scrambled.

Ha, ha! Doggonecarl, point taken. "stop future tripping about a lifetime relationship when you don't even have a month sober yet..."

Not thinking about a lifetime, here. I have dated at work in the past, which is why I try not to do it now. But...it's the restaurant biz. People come and go all the time. Who knows how long either of us will even work there?

My daughter is a waitress and has been dating someone she works with for 2 years. I am not saying it can't work but you have to make sure you know you won't relapse if it doesn't work out. That's a big risk in early sobriety.

That's a good point Della - the emotional end of things does need to be considered.

SDH - I pm'd you. :)

i met my other half when i was 17 days sober. i'm nearly 10 months sober now and we're proper happy.

it can be ok, it can not be ok. i was very lucky to meet a 'normie' who cares as much as i do about my sobriety.

but dating a colleague? possibly not...

The reason for caution is because the risk of relapse is extremly high if it goes wrong

i always say 6-12 months

Im not against love or happiness its more about the pressures a new relationship brings to a newly sober person

Good luck in whatever you choose

Love is so hard to find. If it were me I'd go for it. But then I am still a damned fool who believes in fairy tales and love conquers all.

In the end, only you can answer your questions. Best of fortune to you.

I work with 5 happily married couples who all met on the job, still work together and all seem happy. I dont see why we insist on being miserable in sobriety. Dating a nice girl could be good for self esteem making you want to work on your long term sobriety. Youll never know if you just avoid the situation.

Met my wife at work. HR told us after we got engaged one of us had to leave due to policy. I left. Best two things that ever happened to me :)

I can't address the relationship in early sobriety thing.

Bimini - I haven't heard anyone but me use that in a long time...



Lots of good advice here. The interesting thing is that it's about 50/50.

It all depends is the real answer. But I remember in the movie 'Moonstruck'
"Don't sh*t where you eat."

Rule Five: As Olympia Dukakis said in "Moonstruck," "Don't **** where you eat." Try your hardest not to date anyone you work with.

Teachers should not date students. Bartenders should not date servers. Checkers should not date baggers.

The only possible exception to this rule is if the individual you wish to date works in a different department or section of the organization than you. Even then, use extreme caution.


Just casually say to her in a moment of lightheartedness, "I realize you are new here. But I call dibs if you are considering dating anyone you work with." That's all you gotta do my friend. Good luck.

Cute!
:)

Thanks for the tip, LBrain. I only wish I had that kind of charm!

I'm living with a guy who I used to work with and I know a ton of people who met through work and who are happy together. I say go for it. We are only going around once in this life and if you can grab a piece of the good stuff then you should grab it with both hands!

Wow! A lot of differing thoughts on this topic. Thanks for all your thoughtful replies everybody!

My own initial reaction to my "situation" was to only see the possible bad outcomes. "This won't end well."

But if something were to end up happening between she and I there could also be so many positives. And if it were to end badly...well, isn't that just a part of life?

Can't say what's going to come of it, but there are some things here for me to think over. Thanks again!

I'll echo the "no dating at work" thing from experience, myself. So, SO awkward when things ended. For me, the stress of that drove me to drink heavier than ever and caused me to lose my job because of emotional distress. Essentially, it fueled my downward spiral (though it would've happened eventually).

I wouldn't risk this double whammy, honestly. I'm sure she's lovely, but the sea is large and filled with some pretty wonderful fish.

Heck, you never really see people as they are except at work, where we often spend a good part of our waking hours. I've dated women from work before and it can be sublime. Just be prepared for one of you to leave if it works out and causes problems with other employees.

My bigger concern is your early sobriety. In early sobriety, the emotions are all over the place, as is the ego talk. You will see her relating to other guys - can you handle it? Also, does she drink? If she does I can almost guarantee you will want to drink with her and the whole thing will blow up. Ask me how I know this, lol. If she doesn't, it might work out. But you have to be honest with her about your sobriety.

I'd like to also offer that the coworker I dated had never drank in his life and encouraged me to stay sober. Food for thought.

Thanks, advbike. All things to consider. She does drink, not sure to what extent. As I said, we're in the restaurant biz. At the end of work we can have a "shifty" if we want, a free drink or two. We both finished at the same time the other day, she got a beer and I got a bottle of sparkling water and we sat and chatted. When I had finished my beverage she still had a mostly full glass of beer. She dumped it out and we walked out together. Of course I'd have to be honest about why I don't drink.

There is a series of steps I've been taking to try and achieve a more fulfilling life. I started working out a few years ago to regain some of my health. Went back and finished my college degree last year. The step I'm on now is quitting drinking. Next step is to find more rewarding work, but am planning to wait for a few months of sobriety when my brain will hopefully be firing on a few more cylinders.

It wouldn't be a problem to find a new job in the restaurant biz as I have tons of experience and good references. I'd like to get out of it completely, though. Point is, if I need to leave work to avoid an ugly situation it wouldn't necessarily be a step backward. Might actually put a fire under my butt to get on with things and find something better.

Reading this back it seems like I'm already planning for this to happen. It's really just flirting at work right now. Maybe I'm thinking WAY too much about this.

Well, at least you know she doesn't have a drinking problem. No way would I have left that beer undrunk, first date or not!

The one sentence that leapt out at me was if I don't snatch her up someone else will - not sure thats a great basis for a relationship.

I'm not sure this is about this girl at all SDH - I think it might be more about you right now? By your own admission you're a pretty lonely guy right now. I'd work on that - and not in the way you might think...

Gotta be honest - I would have made a huge mess if I'd acted on my feelings when I got sober. Apart from anything else those feelings changed from day to day for a while.

I'm glad I waited.

I needed to be ok with being with myself before I thought about bringing someone else into the equation.

D

Thanks, Dee. Yes it is about me, right now. I'm working on me and that's huge. I don't want to derail that, and I certainly don't want to muck around with someone else's life.

I guess I was thinking that maybe dating doesn't have to be the big deal that I've made it to be in my mind. That whatever the outcome, this could be part of my re-socializing process. Or maybe it really IS a big deal, not to be taken lightly?

I think it is possible for it not to be a big deal - but not with me, LOL.

I kinda get the feeling you might be the same SDH? :)

D

Dee, the fact that I'm posting about it here pretty much answers that question! lol