Ok now it's serious...
 

On friday night I mixed 12-15 beers with a bunch of benzos.
It wasn't on purpose. I didn't want to die. It was an accident. Maybe I did want to die subconsciously. I don't know. How I could do something so stupid is beyond me.
I never smoke pot, but I had acquired a little vial and I thought I would use it to have a spiritual awakening. The one they always talk about in the big book of AA. I'm not religious and I thought I'd find my higher power by getting really high and writing down my thoughts. It might have worked but I happened to have two beers in my house and while I was high I thought I'd have those two beers and say goodbye to drinking. Well before I had those beers I had a panic attack from the weed. So I took a benzo... which normally I'll take 1/2 or a 1/4 rarely to subdue very strong panic attacks. It didn't work and I ended up taking 5 which still didn't work but I was so high that each min felt like hours and I probably didn't wait for them to kick in fully. Then I had the two beers. By that time the panic was gone and I felt good. I woke up a bit later... not literally I was still sitting at my desk...but I counted 12 empty cans of beer... I started to feel very sleepy so I had 4 coffees...because I knew it was too dangerous to go to sleep....this was about 10pm and then I was all hyper and a full bar night ensued.... I was kicked out of many bars I was told... I don't remember. I covered myself in suntan lotion prior to going out because I believed that I was going to go to the beach (were having a massive snow storm where I live so that idea was insane).... this was all friday night... I drove many places... I drove on friday night to house party, then to a bar, then home. I also drove to another girls house and then drove and picked up a didfferent girl on saturday afternoon I don't remember any of this... I woke up sunday at 3pm.... feeling shaky as hell and scared out of my mind.... two more benzos down he chute and I felt good enough to get out of bed and eat .... went to work today feeling fine...I'm just so shaken up. I can't drink ever again.... I can't have caffeine ever again. I can't smoke cigarettes ever again. I've lurked here for about a year mostly arguing with people because I thought I could moderate and I thought I could do it my way. My way doesn't work. Please help me. Tell me what to do. I will do anything you suggest. If I have another coffee again, I will smoke a cig, and then I'll drink a beer, and that will be the end of me... I know it... this is my life or death. I can feel it. Please tell me what to do. Ive read your suggestions a million times before and I took them with a grain of salt.... I shouldn't have and I'm sorry. Please tell me what to do, even if you have told me before. My ears are wide open.

Go back and read what's already been suggested to you in previous posts. I'm sure they are still valid. You sound a lot more humbled. That's a great place to start the sober journey at...

The problem with that is that It was mostly arguing about moderation, so the topics were moderation. I'm not sure that I ever fully asked for help quitting. I've asked for help with cravings, I've asked for mostly help with withdrawals. But I'm not craving or withdrawing at the moment, I'm looking for a solution, what worked for you?

Hi Serper you can print this off

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

What to do:
You want the spiritual awakening the bb talks about, then go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the program.
It that simple.
And not argueing with any suggestions given to ya here might might be wise,too.


P.S.
AA worked for me when I worked it.

Well, from what I read you are putting all your eggs in one basket.

You are dealing with multiple addictions. You appear to want to resolve all of them at the same time. I respect that, however..

Why not attack the first biggest issue, Alcohol? Make a plan, you have options, AA, AVRT, Smart Recovery, etc. Cigarettes can come next, when you have solid legs under you.

Stopping is not that difficult, safe detox is the first step.

Then, once the physical addiction is out of the way, support comes in, and re-learning how to live, how to deal with stress, disappointments, conflicts, etc.

A little bit of everything, once I accepted that I could never, ever drink again. Anything that supported that decision to get sober was considered. If it kept me sober, it worked. I also had to accept that my own thinking got me into my situation and I had to be cautious about trying to think my way out.

Alcoholism is as much a thinking disorder as it is a drinking disorder.

I mention that only because you think too much. Quit thinking and quit drinking.

Good luck.

Time to draw a line in the sand Serper, moderation is not working, time to part ways with all substances on a permanent basis!!

You can do this with the right plan in place!! :)

Hi!
Aw! ((( hug))) addiction is so scary!!
I'm new in recovery so I'm pretty useless other than offering support!
I've tried moderating for years to no avail.
Best wishes and glad to see you here!
Sound like quite the weekend!!!! Good news is you aren't in jail!!! Xoxo

welcome back Serper.

Serper, you should do whatever will work for you to stop drinking. Get rid of any alcohol you have and don't buy anymore. Begin to find people and activities in your life that bring you fulfillment.

I'm sorry that things came to a head Serper.

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

read around, find a way., or ways, that make sense to you, and then give your all.

D

Yeah I'm not addicted to pot. I smoked it once last year. I'm not addicted to benzos either. I take 1 a month if that, and I've never abused them. I'm totally addicted to drinking and smoking cigs though. I had a safe detox... I'm going into day 4 and I feel physically fine, just an emotional wreck..... anger is the worst. I'm such a happy and calm person, it's very foreign to feel angry... that has what has kept me smoking.... you are right though. What is one more month of cigs when it's been 3 years of cigs, and I can't even hit more than 10 days sober....sobriety needs to come first until I get solid footing...

Perhaps you should see a doctor. You have argued many times in the past that being a med student gave you knowledge that would preclude you from seeing one. Perhaps it's time to be brutally honest and accept that you cannot do this yourself and that it may require medical or psychological care that you cannot provide for yourself. That in conjunction with a solid foundation in one or more recovery programs could go a long way.

Serper, I have not read your background but I can tell you this: You are damn right this is serious. You could have killed someone or a family. I have every sympathy in the world for your addiction problems. I am also an alcoholic. But if you are driving around out of you mind drunk and high then you have a major problem and it needs to stop.

Coffee is not causing this and neither are the cigarettes. The booze, benzos and weed are. If the booze is leading you to weed and benzos then start with that. Whatever way you cut it all three need to go. If you are an alcoholic and that is your main problem then start with that.

You joined a year ago. So you now know full well that moderation does not work in virtually all cases and it does not work for you. So therefore you need to quit completely, forever. This is a truth that you need to face and you need to quit immediately. See a doctor if you are conceded about DTs, by now you know all about those also.

This means doing it the hard way: Quit, draw up a recovery plan, never drink even a single beer again ever, identify your triggers and plan around them.

Smoke or don't smoke and drink or quit coffee, whatever helps. Whatever stops you drinking. Pick up new activities, eat as much as you want or need. Whatever it takes just don't drink. Consider attending AA, it sounds like you need as much help as you can get so I would recommend it. Again, whatever stops you drinking.

Your way does not work. You need help and support and an iron resolution never to drink again. So here is what I do EVERY DAY and it got me to 11 weeks:
- use AVRT to combat cravings and keep my addiction at bay
- attend an AA meeting for group support and to understand RECOVERY as opposed to ABSTINENCE
- read and post on this site to learn more, engage with people and to help where I can
- read the AA big book and research online

All in all I spend 3 or 4 hours EVERY DAY on my recovery. Obviously I will not do this forever but in these early weeks and months I personally feel it is necessary. And do you know what, if your alternative is killing someone else in a car crash then it should be your priority too.

I don't have much advice I'm only 10 days in (though actually AA meetings are helping me so far, just the meetings not big book etc yet, so I guessid recommend that) but I had a very similar night to you, minus the driving as I don't have a licence, but I understand the fear i thought I'd die too. I hope we both learn from this scary time,
I hope you find a way to stop drinking.

Hi.
Hi. Much good advice above if you take it. I’ll add a suggestion, print out your first post above and in sober moments re read it to understand what AA refers to as insanity of our ways.
Only you can get yourself sober by the process of NOT picking up the first drink one day at a time in a row!
We need to be honest about OUR drinking with our self and accept the fact we cannot drink alcohol in safety again. It’s that simple tho too many don’t get it.

BE WELL

I use the program of AA, this has kept me sober over a year. I have also used SMART in the past, they have a website smartrecovery.org. They also have meetings but not as many as AA, as well as a workbook and other reading material that may be helpful. I also see a counselor to deal with other issues. Most importantly you have to admit to yourself that you cannot ever drink normally again (it sounds like you have admitted this to yourself already). Whether you quit drinking "just for today" or "forever", either way of looking at it can work. Best of luck to you!

I think outpatient rehab at a minimum is needed because of the dangerous binge you went on. Go to meetings too. Who cares if you don't believe. I don't either, most of the time. I used AA for the social support early on and it worked well.

Hi Serper,

If I recall correctly, you are a student of medicine. There are completely confidential resources available to you as a student. You need to believe that now is the very best time to tap into these resources. If you finish medical school without seeking help or trying to do it on your own in real life and head to residency be assured that the problem will remain and likely multiplied.

Welcome back and best wishes.