Another awesome thing.
 

I was on my fiance's ipad last night and found messages where he was sending pictures of himself/inquiring about other women....

To add to my emotional distress of this week so far.

Now I have to think about whether this I need to break off my engagement and leave my relationship too? Seriously?

I thought god only gave us as much as we could handle......... I think he might have the wrong person, because I'm about to cave here.

Ugh.

sending love and hugs to you

I am so very sorry, Mrrryah. That is a tough blow to your heart and your self-esteem.

Please don't drink or drug over this. Call your sponsor right away; get to a meeting.

Please pick up the phone to call your sponsor now.

I am sorry about your situation. :hug:

I think you need to get sober before you decide anything about your relationship.

First things first. Sober first, all else can wait.

I have heard that God give us more than we can handle to draw us closer to him. Have you tried prayer?

Nothing fancy, no special prayer or grabbing a bible.

Just plain ole "God help me"

Very sorry he's hurt you like this. Never a "good" time to find out something like this.

I remember when my mom died, and I began to grieve... my boyfriend of six years shared his opinion with me that I was being selfish in my grief. Talk about feeling gutted... at that point, it gave me just enough strength to end that abusive alcohol-sodden relationship.

Sometimes, it's not a bad thing for these events to cluster-bomb us, because it can give us ironic strength.

Hi Mrrryah im so sorry this has happened have you got a gf that can come over or can you go a trusted friends house ?

Dont even let this throw you off course he aint worth self destructing over forget this person Mrrryah

i know it as easy as that but you got to drop this person

Sending a billion hugs M

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

A breathing exercise that calms panic attacks.

I often remind myself that God won't
give my anymore than I can handle
even if it gets rough. The most important
thing to remember is that He wants me
to remain sober doing whatever I need
to do.

I also have to remember that whatever
He wants me to have, it will come in His
time and not mine as much as I would
cry, whin, pout, throw tantrums.

And believe me I have gone thru many
situation thru out my recovery but still
continue to turn it over to Him.

You may not know or believe He hears
your cries for help or despair, but He
does.

There are many things in our life that
may not seem fair. However the most
important thing is for us to do what is
right. To keep our side of the street clean.
To be kind, caring, understanding etc.
for ourselves.

As I continue on my path in recovery
sharing my own ESH - experiences,
strengths and hopes with others then
I believe I will be taken care of. It may
not always be what I want, but I have
to believe it is what He wants for me,
which is better.

Stay on course with your recovery,
learning, changing, growing into the
person you are meant to me.

Kind, loving, considerate, caring,
sober and good things will come to
you. :)

Sorry to read about what you're going through. Yes, it's been a tough week, but you have lots of support here. Anyone you can talk to face to face?

I, too, am sorry that you have to go through this. Perhaps it is good that you find out now about what is going on rather than after you are married. Drinking really will make this matter worse; I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts!

too true!

Sorry for what your going through.

Don't allow his actions to be detrimental to yours. No one is worth that.

Sometimes God shows us what we need to see.

Bunnez

You may not see this right now but it's a blessing to find out now than when the vows have all been said at the altar. Sweetheart, I'm speaking from experience here. Not a good time for this to happen when you just lost someone so close to you. But YOU are worth staying sober ! Stay strong ,my heart goes out to you! In my experience I suggest break it off but hold tight to your sobriety!

Myrrryah,

Just don't pick up the first drink. You are worth more than that. You will find all you need in your life of sobriety. Just take it one day at a time. You are worth so much. It's not about him at all. It's about the beautiful person you can be. Pray and know we're here for you. Big hug.

Well over the last few hours I've changed my perspective on things.

a) Things could be alot worse. I could be Brennan. I could be Brennan's mom, or sister. I have my health - I have friends and family and a snuggly puppy dog that care about me. I have some money in the bank. I have a good paying job. I didn't kill myself or anyone else in my drinking career (yet) and I certainly should have numerous times.

So I lost a close friend and my fiance is screwing around. Yeah - it's a crap week. But I should be grateful for the things I do have, because in reality my life is not that bad.

b) An interesting realization I've come to.... I actually don't really want to drink/use. It's not the bad times that cause me to drink/use since I've been trying to get sober - it's actually the good times.

It's when everything starts going good in my life that I start to question whether I might be able to control my drinking.

I'm actually OK being sober through this. In a wierd way, it feels good to feel SO much, even if those feelings are bad.

And for today - based on what I am feeling - I'm pretty sure I'm safe from picking up a drink or a drug. So I should be grateful for that.

Thanks all for your continued support and love.

Mrrr.

Big hugs to you. Stay sober, and strong. Does he know you saw the posts? What a ****** feeling being blindsided. I am so sorry.

Mrryah, what is there to think about? Move on and find someone who respects you.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Hi Mrrryah -- big hugs to you girl. I'm glad to see your 2nd post -- finding gratitude when things are tough is so hard, so good of you to get that down in writing so you can go back to it when/if you need.

I wish I had more helpful things to say, but thinking about you and I know you're going to get through this.

You just need to look for the good things in life. Looks like you're on your way!

You are worthy of all good things. Period.

That sucks. I guess it is better to know now than learn about it three months past nuptials, though (so there's a . . dirty, gray, smudged "silver lining", if you think about it . .)

Proud of you M!!!
stay strong.
This was such a great post to read/hear.
*BEAR HUGS*

Thanks Jupity Jupe. <3

Hi Mrrryah1.

After a coupla decades of working with couples, and with my own extensive life experiences (not to mention numerous instances published on SR), it seems that most people are resigned to staying in destructive relationships with the faint hope that "things will work out on their own," that it was "just a phase," that "I won't find anyone better," that "He's my soul mate," that "I'm too old to find someone else," that "He's the last chance I have to be happy" or, much worse, that "I must be doing something wrong/there must be something wrong with me." That last option is precisely what the cheating/addicted/abusive partner is trying to achieve. Another favorite of mine is "He's a really good person, deep down inside." If you need to dig that deeply to find some semblance of a good person, then you've wasted your time and energy. Prepare to keep on digging as time goes on.

If the person survives the abusive partner, they eventually come to a point at which they realize that they've made a huge mistake, often years into the relationship. This is no way to live. I wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't respect anyone who would allow me to do such a thing.

Alas, all my training, experience, and my good counsel often fall on deaf ears. What often happens in couples therapy is that, when one of the people in the relationship begins to realize that the relationship is a destructive one, they find reasons (rationalizations) to discontinue the therapy. It's usually the abusive/neglectful/unfaithful partner who initiates this process, often in insidious ways, though it's just as often the "injured" partner who seeks to flee the sharp light of assessing the status of the relationship. I never get over the heartbreak of this particular outcome, knowing all the pain and suffering that's in store for them. Without a great deal of help, there simply does not exist a good prognosis for a relationship in which betrayal or other kinds of abuse are an issue, no matter how many individual cases there are to the contrary.

Over time, we tend to take our relationships for granted, very much at our own peril. I'm interested in not only making relationships work, but to have them flourish. A recent, quick survey among colleagues and friends (N=12) told me that most of them consider their marriages to be something along the lines of living with a roommate (and that this has been going on for years), with some actually using those words. Two are in couples therapy -- one of whom told me that his relationship has been better than at any time during their twenty five years of marriage. Five reported infidelity (three men and two women), and I'm aware that two other man have had affairs, and I'm pretty sure another woman has as well.

Time is more precious to me than at any other time in my life. I wouldn't waste a minute with someone who I couldn't trust. Having been on the other side of trustworthiness, I know what it's all about, and I've been around too long to tolerate it from someone else.

There are many things in life that are much worse than being alone.

I'm happy to read that you've arrived at a better place with your drinking, and I do hope that you get some peace of mind and satisfaction out of all this.

Not that I would condone his behavior, but maybe you don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water just yet, you have mentioned in the past how supportive he has been and how supportive his Mom is(I think?) maybe he is just suffering from a little "recovery fatigue" and not sure where he stands with you at the moment. We are all putting ourselves and our sobriety first and sometimes we leave a lot behind. He probably should have vocalized his issues but maybe he had a weak moment, probably have a talk, of course this is from a guys perspective :)
Best of luck on this.

Sending you a million hugs.

You don't have to drink over it.

Mrrryah,

Sending you hugs. If you want, you can PM me too if you need support. I have no problems with keeping in contact with you off-boards if you need more private support.

Your last post of reflection is very good & so is your self awareness. Hang in there....

Mrrryah, I'm not the best person to discuss cheating issues, but a suggestion I can come up with is that you wait a little. You said you are engaged... so hold on to that for a while if you don't want to break up with him, see where it all goes with a little "incubation". You are newly sober and your feelings and perspective are likely to change at least a bit. And I imagine you also seem somewhat "new" to him in this state. So perhaps get to know each-other better once again, before making more serious commitments, or before breaking it?

(((mrrryah)))

Like someone else said there's never a good time for this stuff.
I have to admit Anna's response was mine too, but it's your life...whatever else you decide, stay sober.

D

Myrrah,

Whatever the case may be, don't turn to alcohol/drugs at this time of uncertainty. You've been working really hard on your sobriety. Good for you!

To be honest, I have to ask whether there is a voice telling you, as it has in the past, that this might not be the right relationship for you. Some time back, you posted this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. Hang in there. Stay strong.

I'd go with my gut instincts. They most usually are right on target.

Just remember though, nothing is so bad, a drink won't make it worse.

A Big ole hug for you!