Another try at recovery...
 

Hi, my name is Lisa, and I am an alcoholic. I'm currently recovering from a pretty intense relapse. Three nights ago, I was on my 10th day of sobriety when I decided to throw away all the effort I had invested into my recovery.

I feel intensely ashamed of my decision to drink again. I am nervous about returning to my AA group this evening. I hope that I will be able to find success in my next attempt to establish a sober life. I had a friend from my AA group recommend participating in forums, so I thought I would join this one. This is my first post to Sober Recovery.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Here's to not giving up!

Welcome! This a great tool to add to your sobriety toolbox. Keep reading and posting and never give up!

Hi and welcome to SR, don't be too hard on yourself, you are not the first and certainly won't be the last to have a slip, but the fact that you are back here shows that you really want this which is half the battle in itself.
You have proved you can do it before, here's too another crack at it.
Take care

Welcome, waveridermke, to SR. You have found a really great forum. You will find support, encouragement and understanding here. Best of all it is 24/7/365; there is always someone who cares and truly wants to see you succeed.

Glad to hear that you already have face to face support such as AA.

Hi Lisa

If you're an alcoholic, as you say, you drank because you have an addiction to alcohol.

When we cross that line, falling off the wagon becomes our natural state. NOT drinking is abnormal for us, though that's the state we strive for.

You've lost ten days of bragging rights. In the big picture of things, that's nothing!!! And you know, ALOT of people have false starts a few times before they get it. I certainly did.

I think the majority of people will welcome you back with open arms, because they understand this. don't worry about the judges. You're there for YOU, not to impress anybody else.

to Not Giving Up!!!

H

Welcome waveridermke youl find a ton of support

Nice to meet you

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Thank you for your supportive replies! They are very helpful!

Welcome Lisa :wavey:

I'm only a newbie myself but what I have learnt so far is that I have to work at this every day in some way -whether it's doing some step work or writing my journal , something to keep me on track and keep my sobriety my top priority always.

Glad to have you with us !

This forum is a great source of support.

Welcome to our family. 10 days is great. You've done it once, you can do it again. 1 foot in front of the other, 1 moment at a time. Shame is so debilitating but you're making great strides to eradicate it by joining here & getting back to AA. You'll find no judgement from me - I was the Queen of Day 1's.

Join us over on the 24 hr thread - it's full of fabulous people who are supportive, funny, understanding & judgement free. Not only that, it's just one more tool you've got in your toolbox.

Hey there, Lisa. Welcome! I completely understand the feeling of shame for failing yourself. My heart is with you.

If I may, I think it'd be a great idea to really reflect (and share, if you're comfortable doing so) what happened three nights ago. I think writing down a description of what your emotions were at the time you made the decision to engage in that drink, combined with knowing how negative you felt afterwards (perhaps another bit of writing if you'd like), would provide you an effective resource as you restart your sobriety. I wish you the best!

Thank you for your suggestions.

Steve, I would like to share my story of that day - as it continues to confuse and trouble me. I remember feeling terrible when I woke up on Day 10 of my sobriety. I had taken to drinking several cups of coffee daily since I had decided to stop drinking, but had not really thought about the toll that much caffeine would have on my system. Drinking coffee had become a sort of "safe alternative" to drinking alcohol. So on Day 10, after waking up and feeling hungover, dehydrated, and anxious (a familiar theme of my former drinking schedule) and without being able to identify a satisfactory way to improve how I felt, I choose to address my difficulties the same way I had learned before - pick up some alcohol and drink until I feel better. I remember feeling numbly aware that this was a terrible decision, that I had already identified countless reasons why I should stop drinking completely. But the foundation of my previous conviction to stop drinking had dissolved into this hazy idea which could hardly influence my present decision to get drunk. I remember feeling detached from my environment as I walked to the corner store. I kept thinking "I can turn away right now" even as I handed my cash to the clerk. My mind seemed to have short-circuited. I continued drinking for two days after that. So, long story short, I drank too much coffee, woke up dehydrated and miserable, eventually figured that the best way to feel better would be to drink, acted out on this terribly insane notion, then realized just how much I had jeopardized in making this decision. It's hard to believe that could have made such a terrible choice.

Welcome to SR waveridermke :)

next time that auto pilot kicks in - force yourself to log in here...for me, even with auto pilot, there was always a moment where I had a choice - use that "I can turn away right now" moment to ask for help here :)

D

Don't be ashamed. I didn't quit on my first try. Damn far from it, actually. Shame was a big part of what kept me in active alcoholism. What released me was truly admitting my powerlessness over alcohol. No amount of time, effort, meetings, therapy, white-knuckling, or thinking was going to change the relationship between me and the bottle. The future of my life depended on my taking charge of my life and creating a new life where alcohol had no place. Looking back now the best decision I made was to start loving myself and practicing self-care. After that, the rest started to fall into place.

Welcome, Lisa :wave: You're with people who understand and who care and who know how difficult (but how absolutely rewarding) this journey can be :hug:

Stay close, read lots, learn lots and post lots. It's working for me and for many others too.

And please don't be embarrassed to go back to AA. I'm sure you'll be welcomed there too with loving arms xxx

Dee74, thank you for the advice on how to interrupt the auto pilot mode! I think posting to SR could be a lot help during those times.

HeadLump, thank you for your reassurances about going back to AA. I'm beginning to feel more confident in attending tonight's sessions. The kindness that the members of SR have shown today reminds me of the importance of reaching out and accepting support.

Ethos23, thank you for your insights about shame. It seems that a part of me has gotten used to feeling shame - especially because of how much drinking I used to do. I'd love to live a life in which I do not have to harbor so much of it.

Your awesome Lisa

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Pleased to meet you Lisa. I think it'll really help you to be here with us. We all understand - and you're never alone. Be proud of yourself for wanting to start again - we know you can do it.

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