As Dee just said, 20 year olds are still figuring out what life is all about. They look like adults but there is still an abundance of emotional and psychological maturation yet to be achieved.

Every contact you have with your son is a new opportunity; improvement in your relationship with your son may happen slowly but it absolutely CAN happen.

Hugs to you, hokey. I sure wish motherhood and children came with manuals.

Me too Leigh ... it's so frickin hard

Yes, it is.

I hate my life ... I hate what I have made myself ...

I hate ME

I HATE me ...

I hate me

Four months is still very early in sobriety; I believe that you will view your life differently as your sober time builds. Even if you don't, sobriety will make you better equipped to make positive changes.

Put the hate behind you, hokey. It has no place in your future. It belongs squarely in your past.

Alcoholism has impacted all of us very negatively. I can't tell you the extent of my self-loathing when I was in active addiction. That has turned around dramatically.

Hugs to you, sweetheart.

Hope to talk with you again, soon.

Thanks SL <3

Self hatred was a part of my life for 30 years or me...you don't change that over night...but you do change it.

I hope you'll come to forgive yourself Hokey...we can't change the past but we definitely can learn from it, and make ourselves and the world around us better for it.

Today is the only day we can do anything about. There are unlimited opportunities to be grasped :)

Don't waste it beating yourself into a pulp, Hokey :)

D

all I can say again is "I hate me '

and all I can say again is I hope you'll come to forgive yourself :)

It's pretty hard to move on when you're forever tethering yourself to things that have happened in the past.

D

In earlier times my life was all about me, I had to change that. Your son may have resentments he cannot see beyond right now, and this will make things difficult for you both.

Have you attempted to make amends to him? You certainly can't change the past, but sometimes it's possible to repair some of the past damage. I learned that I needed to see beyond myself and look at a bigger picture in order to deal with the fvckits. Put your efforts into amends of some sort or another. Hopefully he can help guide you in how to heal the wounds.

Hey, I am at six months and although I don't like to admit it, I can relate to a lot of what you said. What I KNEW on June 26th, the last day I drank, was that life could not get any worse than it was with daily binges and daily withdrawals.

I was going to die soon so even if life felt a bit boring I could deal with it. It literally came down to a little "dullness" or death. Not a tough decision.

A few things I still struggle with are phone calls, listening to music, and going out with friends. I used to love pouring that first drink and chatting on the phone, pouring one after the other and chatting away.

I used to feel like music sounded better while I was drinking. And finally, it's still hard to fathom never "going out" again on a Friday night. Even as I type this those things still make me sad. Like I said, I honestly do not even like admitting this.

But, these "fun" things I did gave me an inflamed liver which would kill me if I continued.

Not much of a choice anymore, really. We will rediscover the fun in life. The "fun" we had before was not normal or healthy.

I really think it will take us a year to feel totally comfortable not drinking.

I HATE me ... I hate what I have done to my kids .... I am a horrible person .... that is what Ive got from the steps .... that I am a horrible person ....

Sometimes it's good to vent an emotion here even it's a negative one. The problem is that because of our distance from you, we can't give you the supportive response we would like to.

You say you've done the steps. So I presume you have a sponsor and go to meetings. When is your next meeting? Why don't you go and try to share there about what's going on with you and your son and how it makes you feel?

I think it's important to focused on solutions. Have you attempted to make amends?