It's unfair
 

I'm out at the creek with my daughter, and there are a couple groups of guys hanging out smoking pot. We're downwind and it's pretty potent (this is not in any way unusual for Northern California). I don't even like pot, but I'm having a moment over it because it's not fair that they can get high if they want and people can drink if they want, but not me. I thought what I'd say if they offered me some, and I didn't think no thanks, I thought no thanks, I've got 34 days clean and sober all resentful like they should feel sorry for me because it's not fair. Not like those days are any sort of accomplishment, like they're a mark of a lesser person. I know that's not true, and I certainly mean no offense to anyone. I know I'm thinking about this backward, but there it is nevertheless. That's how I feel right now, and it sucks.

They might be dying in a ditch in the not distant future, thinking how unfair it is that there was a person with his daughter at the creek, enjoying life, while all they could do was get high and throw their life away....

Very true :)

It's unfair my parents weren't millionaires too. But I'm surviving okay.

We need to get past the resentment, because at some point that resentment will pop like a cork and we'll rebel with thoughts of "stuff it", which inevitably will lead to drinking!!

I've been there and got the box of t-shirts, viewing Sobriety as a negative thing lead me to a bad place each and every time, I instead needed to get a positive outlook on things!!

The reality I found myself in was I was incompatible with alcohol, no ifs and buts, that was the facts of the matter, I could either sit around and feel sorry for myself or embrace Sobriety and all it had to offer, a new life as a "non drinker" was waiting for me should I choose to grasp it and all the wonderful opportunities that came with it!!

Hang in there!! :)

Yeah, I often think how unfair it was that I wasn't born rich instead of so good looking.....

:)

Why not focus on what you've gained since quitting?

I've got some growing to do

I'm trading one kind of freedom for another. For me, sobriety means freedom, I know that. But sometimes what I feel doesn't quite line up with what I know.

Briar the thing is it doesnt matter what others do whats important is what you do & Briar you had a nice day down the creek with your daughter

forget others you done well Briar

I can relate to this feeling, but here's the thing, after years of drinking I didn't know anything else, how could I? all the important parts of my life, friends, socialising, meeting people, passing time, it all revolved around alcohol!!

But a leap of faith, and it is a scary leap of faith and a trust in what long timers say, to go from that to trying something new, a complete stab in the dark, that we'll only know and realise in hindsight!!

It's a scary proposition, but in hindsight, those long timers knew what they were talking about!! :)

What you know and how you fell about can/will line up. I think the resentment or feelings of "unfairness" come from the AV. The idea that others can still drink stems from a positive evaluation or pov of intoxication. You know this is not true, that intoxication has no positive aspects for you but something wants you to see it that way, the AV. Starve it out, it will lessen to nothing. 35 days is fantastic , good on you, time and squashing the stirrings of the AV builds sober muscle, you got this
Wish you well


Ps posting about it instead of bottling it up, is probably a great idea eh?

I found that how I frame the issue matters a great deal to me. I quit drinking dozens of times. Why? Because quitting drinking was framed as a loss in my mind. I had given something up. I had suffered a loss. I hated that. I resented it. I drank again.

One day I decided to give myself a better life, and alcohol was not going to steal it from me. All gain, no loss.

You had a day at the creek with your daughter, and alcohol didn't steal it from you. How cool is that? :a122:

That's my logic. I often post on here what the AV says and watch you guys beat it up. It teaches me some comebacks. And by reading the responses and practicing not getting defensive, I'm learning how to separate myself from the AV.

Thanks for helping me do this work!

Don't worry about them. Or the others.

Bunnez

Briar
With logic and an attitude like that, you strike me as a quitter.




Awesome! :)

Duplicate

1. Play the tape out as to what would be the consequence of drinking again.
2. Time will give you a much better appreciation of sobriety.
3. You were spending sober time with your daughter; think how precious that is to her.
4. Be careful of interpreting other people's lives from the outside. Maybe those guys have relationship problems because of the weed, or maybe they aren't doing much in life. We've all seen those marriages where everything looks perfect, and then they divorce.
5. Work at thinking of yourself as a person who has made a personally difficult decision to become sober because you are STRONG & MATURE. Because it's actually true. There are many people in your position who go on hurting themselves and their families because they don't have your strength of character.

What's fair for one just may be poison for another.

Problem today is that everyone is hung up on fairness and not puthing enough thought to what's moral.

MM

I struggle with that same "It's Not Fair!" reaction too.
But one day i figured out that what I believe is unfair is perceived as 100% fair to another person. And what i think is fair is perceived as unfair by another person.

So what can possibly determine "fair" to everyone?
I don't have an answer. There is no situation that will be seen as "fair" to everyone.

"Fair" is just another word for "opinion". One persons opinion on what is "fair" is different than most everyone else. And pretty soon we figure out that the way we equate "fair" is "what i want for me".

You are right it isn't fair, it sucks

Seriously, forget all that "ooo lala embrace these here sensations of nature sober whooooo hoooo"
"I never would have noticed the beauty of these twigs if I was loaded"
"Those poor souls having the time of their lives over there don't know what they're missing, sobriety rules"

It sucks and i am jealous seeing people drink, but overall better than the place booze eventually brings me

Briar, from reading your posts around here recently, I would agree that you are indeed a quitter ;) I was also resentful as hell when I quit. I used to covet other people's DNA. I would beseech the Universe as to WHY WHY WHY they got to be "normal" and I had to be a drunk. I'd stare daggers at some perfectly nice people in the restaurant who dared have a glass of wine in my line of vision. Then, when they left, leaving a swallow of wine in their glass...I'd have to restrain myself from running after them and saying, "Look! You left wine, what is wrong with you?!"

Today though? I am pretty happy with me. Sober me. I have found a lot of stuff about me there is to like and contribute that I never realized I had when I was too busy being a drunk and/or coveting other people's ability to drink without destroying their lives.

You are obviously very self-aware and strong so I think, sooner rather than later, those resentments will be things of the past. You're you...and as far as I can see, that's pretty awesome.

Hang in there :)

Your child will be grown before you know it. You won't regret time spent with your baby. You will regret envying pot smokers as opposed to being with your child. If you want recovery it may be time to step it up.

As someone who smoked for 30 years you're not missing anything - it's the same crazy train as the one we ride with booze, just a different carriage.

As for not fair - I could fill an exercise book with things that are not fair in the world - not just for me but others too - we just opened a new Children's Hospital here - there's a building full of not fair right there.

I get the sentiment and I'm not criticising you for having it - but yeah...in my hypothetical exercise book of not fairs, not being able to get high wouldn't make the cut Briar :)


D
D

Anybody that told you life was fair was a fool or a liar. Power through it and move on, it's a waste of a short life to bother with self-pity. It is what it is.

I knew you'd get me for that one, Dee. :) I was actually standing there typing the post thinking "Dee is going to have a field day with this."

I look forward to the day when I won't pause for a second to entertain thoughts like this. But I won't get there unless I'm honest about where I'm at now, right?

LOL.

I'm actually having a not fair day myself, so I'm administering some self medication to myself as well, Briar ;)

Honesty is good - shine that light on the monsters under the bed :)

D

It's ok. It takes time but your perspective can change.
I would think of it as, ugh. Well, they'll be in bed early and missing all of the fun. And waking up sluggish. And smoky smelling. And cotton mouthed. Lol It is all choice, remember why you are doing this.