a foot in both worlds
 

What is the point of going to an AA meeting, if I just come home and drink anyway?

Its like all I can bring myself to do is "think" about recovery... I mean, I take some action. For example I went threw IOP, did not quit drinking during that, but I did become more open minded about going to AA meetings. And now that IOP is over, I still try to make meetings, but my drinking habits don't change. I am willing to read all about AA literature.. but I don't give up my nightly drinking.

Its like I want to be in two worlds at the same time. I want to continue to drink, and I want to be in recovery too. Or I am not sure I want to be in recovery and I am not sure I can admit powerless over alcohol and Im not sure I want to live a sober lifetime.

I have seen a similar pattern, of wanting to have one foot in the door and one foot out the door at the same time, in my dating life. When a relationship I am in is basically over and we have broken up, I tend to want to stay friends and sometimes a little more, like a friend with benefits. And even once it is completely over and we aren't acting like friends with benefits or even hanging out, I have a hard time moving on. And when I do move on and get involved with someone new, I cant fully be emotionally available to that person because I still miss my ex, even if I don't want to be with them anymore.

Something about my dating patterns remind me of how Im acting about getting sober.

I just cant decide which way I want to go and make a commitment.

Commitment is certainly the key word here. Part of you probably loves drinking, but part knows where that is likely to lead. Have consequences set in hard and steady yet?

You can't have both. And at this point you don't, you are simply drinking.

Sobriery is possible for anyone, but not without committment on a daily basis. Perhaps you could make a list of the pros and cons of each to see for yourself?

If you're like me, you have to get to a point where continuing to drink is scarier than giving up drinking.

It could be health problems that scare you, loss of career, family, legal issues but it has to be something.

It was health problems for me. But I will tell you that I could not stop one day before I was more scared of continuing to drink than giving it up and doing whatever I could to stay sober.

I had a rather serious diagnosis from my dr. to scare me but trust me, you don't have to drink until something really bad happens. It would have been much easier to stop a few years ago.

Which is scarier to you: Continuing to drink or stopping drinking completely? Really think about it.

I am no expert on sobriety and if you would have asked me this question in May, I would have said that I was more scared of stopping than continuing. In June I was brought to my knees and the scales shifted. Only then was I able to stop drinking.

Thank you for your comment MelindaFlowers. Unfortunately for me, I think I have faced consequences as a result of my drinking. But I don't think I have gotten to a point where I can really say that continuing to drink is scarier then becoming and living sober. I am in my comfort zone where I am. Even if it is not all that comfortable. It is familiar and easy and predictable. I hate being pushed out of my comfort zone, in regards to anything, but drinking is included.

I think that is what it comes down to for me. Have I hit a bottom that is firm and solid enough to build a step 1 on? Or will I not have any long term success in recovery because I haven't gotten to a bottom that will be the turning point for me?

I know it would be much better to quit before I reach a bottom like that. But its hard to get the determination, commitment, and motivation to live sober if you don't reach a convincing enough bottom.

I guess I just have to really assess the consequences I have had because of drinking and try to realize that it has gotten bad enough for me and there is no need to torture myself more and continue on to an even lower bottom before I do something about it.

NO! It's not just you!

YOU haven't hit your bottom yet. Keep drinking, you will; you're not gonna like it.

I hope you decide to quit drinking before something truly awful happens. :(

If your lucky you will hit your bottom before you kill yourself or someone else. Alcohol wants us dead but will only let us go after it has destroyed everything we love and cherish.

The good news is we can get off the train to death any time we want

I was like that for ages, trying to stop because I felt I should, that i needed to stop, but I didn't WANT to stop. Until you really truly want to stop I don't think you can successfully move forward with sobriety. I'm now happy (really happy) that I'm never going to drink again. Good luck :)