How do I gently drop a "friend" ?
 

I have a friend that I met in AA. We have coffee one night a week after a meeting. She's been sober for 20-30 years. Well she plays it like we get together because she's being supportive and helping me. However, when we get together it's her mouth running from the minute we sit down until she notices I'm not paying attention anymore or I get "the look" like I"m sick of listening to her. Then she's like, oh how was work? Don't get me wrong. I get to talk sometimes, but not too much.

The thing of the "talking" that I'm fed up with is she's a broken record. Her daughter is mean to her and the lady who is in charge of the after school program where she works is mean to her, the girl scout cookie ladies are mean to her... it goes on and on and her neighbor problems. It's not just when we meet, this is what she talks about at every meeting too! So I get it double. I tell her, yes I know or well why do you keep doing this or that. :react
I feel like her counselor or psychologist. One day we were going to go to the art museum together. I got in her car and she started up about her daughter. Not, hi, how are you? Just bla bla bla! I told her I can't listen to it today. Please!

In the past I've actually had a couple of drinks before I met her to take the edge off. Of course it didn't work, but I did.

I don't want to see her anymore. I would probably see her at meetings but I want to gently tell her without hurting her feelings that I just don't want to meet for coffee anymore or I need to take a break or something. One night I just didn't show up and didn't answer my phone, but that's not nice and I felt bad when I lied and said I fell asleep.

If you have suggestions, comments, I'd love to hear them. Otherwise, just consider this a vent.

I had a "friend" like that. She goes on and on about herself and never lets me talk or shows interest in my life. I stopped taking her calls and email. She was so self involved, she didn't even notice. You are sweating over this, when in reality, she probably wouldn't even notice if you dropped her. There is no real relationship here. She will find another person to be her audience.

or she may notice b/c she has now lost the person she was using as a soundboard (literally)
I have no advice though ElleDee :(

Some people are just self involved, there's a guy called Tristan where I work (For some reason everybody I've met called Tristan has turned out to be a d******d) and all he talks about is himself. For hours. You cannot have a conversation with the guy because it just turns into him talking about how great he is. Sober or drunk or high, some people are just morons.

Thanks you guys! I appreciate the feedback. :tyou

I had a friend like that. I ditched her. Never regretted it. I call those people "professional victims"

"Professional victims." I'm going to remember that one! :c011:

emotional vampires.
they just suck and suck and keep on sucking.

You are her hostage.

Break free, she'll capture some other newcomer. I watched that same thing play out in meetings here.

I also met people like that, Elle (both in AA meetings, although I've been to only a few, and just in life). I would cut the conversation nicely and politely short when you run into her at meetings. If she asks to go for coffee, say you already have plans and maybe say what so that she does not feel like there is suddenly no communication. If she does not recognize your trying to keep distance several times, I would be direct and tell her you are at a stage where you would like to focus on you and activities you enjoy more. If you feel really bad about keeping her at arm's length, maybe go for a coffee with her sometimes and listen for a limited amount of time.

LOL. I typed that and then changed my post.

At the exact same time. It's a good thing I changed it before I posted, I would have looked weird :lmao We wouldn't want that.

do do do do...*Twighlight Zone*

this is good :)
you aren't lying or anything, so you won't have the residual guilt of being deceitful.

great minds..yadda yadda :D

I've heard people like that called 'emotional vampires'.

She has to go. :)

Haha, professional victims, I'm nicking that one.

A manner of living which demands rigorous honesty isn't the easy part of easy does it, so often mentioned in our fellowship!

Love and tolerance is the mantra, but having someone in your space that is a " crab in barrel of crabs" always snap, snap, snapping their claws ( mouths ) is a tough one. This is HER problem however, and not yours.

Perhaps, in a brief conversation - simply state - At this point in my sobriety, I am still progressing in achieving serenity. I love you, but simply cannot listen to issues that make me restless, irritable and discontented. ( pg xxvIII). Perhaps in the future.......

Or, tell her to bugger off!

peace to you....

There is a woman that I see at the Friday meeting that I avoid like the plague. She will walk up to anyone at anytime and start babbling about herself.

Last Friday she latched on to a guy because he made the mistake of asking how she was.

She just went on and on and on. Her medical problems, her school, her program, how she threw out her shoulder in Dancercise, what medication she is taking and why she just kept talking for 15 minutes straight. The look on this guys face was priceless. His eyes glassed over and I think he was wishing, even after five years sober, that he still drank.

She is relentless. I run the other direction when I see her and if she says hi I reply hi and keep moving.

Of course it does not really matter. I have been sitting in the back table with another person having a private recovery conversation and she will walk right up and interrupt so she can show me a new bracelet or tell me about her step work. Then after ten minutes of her babbling she will apologize for interrupting and say that was rude of her and walk away. :headbange

Never stops her from doing it though. It is like she does not know simple edict at all and the apology is fake because she thinks that makes it okay to interrupt in the first place.

Take some of these suggestions and run like the wind. She will find a new victim soon enough.

Maybe that's why I don't have any friends...lol

Seriously, I like my quiet time and time
with just my husband, birds, butterflies,
plants. :)

I do know people in AA but don't get
together with them or call them mainly
because I don't want to get attached to
folks.

Some of these people want to chit chat,
talk small talk, family stuff and it just
doesn't interest me. And im not interested
in sharing my personal life with other people,
including my family.

I am happy just the way I am, living a
simple, stress free life just wanting to
work in my gardens, spend time with
my spouse and look forward to taking
trips on our Harley.

To be honest with you guys, I share
more with you here in SR then anyone
else in my life other than my spouse.

I don't feel alone, you keep me company
and I don't have to leave my comfy chair. :)

Let's see, I got off track......

How would you loose her.....well, If it
were me, I wouldn't answer my phone
if she calls me. In fact I don't answer
my phone if I don't recognize the number
or person calling on my caller ID.

She can leave all the messages she wants
but Im not obligated to call her back. I have
my own life and I don't have time for her.

If I go to a meeting and she is there, I
would cordially say hello, not offering
anything more to the conversation. I
wouldn't lie to her in anyway, so I make
sure that my reasons for not calling her
back is an honest answer. Which is, I
am busy these days.

Take care of you and your recovery
which is most important. :)

Like that one too!

For phone calls you can 1. not answer, 2. answer but always be on the way out the door and can't talk, 3. if you have a cell phone, tell her your battery is about to die (I use this one a lot).

For meetings you can 1. go to another meeting place and/or time, 2. find someone to talk to before she can get to you, 3. If she engages with you, tell her you are sick (and you probably ARE!) and need to leave asap.

You could send her a card, letter, email or text expressing your need for space.

just some ideas. I tend to attract emotional vampires myself. I need to make a garlic necklace or something LOL

aasharon... your entire post sounded like I could have wrote it... minus the Harley... but I live in Milwaukee... haha. But yeah, that's how I am. I have pulled away from what friends I have because most of them yak yak and yak some more about people I don't know... and stuff I don't care about. It causes me stress. I don't share much of anything with people and like you said... I share here more than anywhere. You guys know me as well or better than any friend I've had. I just like my quiet time with my hubby, cats, my children and grands, and doing the things I enjoy doing. It's peaceful and I need peace... not "emotional vampires" and "professional victims."

All of you guys give such great advice and keep me going. I plan to tell her I'd prefer to not meet for coffee for a while because I want to get back to my real passion, my artwork, and working all day I only have the weekends and evenings to do it. That's no lie.

Love you all! :Val004:

No.

Its a complete sentence.

Yeah, "No is a complete sentence," amen to that.

I don't agree with lying to people like that, making up dead batteries or always on the way out the door or whatever. That doesn't really work with my recovery. I learned the "no" thing - it works (to be fair, I say "No, thanks.")

You don't need a reason to not spend time with anyone. They may think you do, but you don't.

I'm with bimini as well on the lying part.
It's too much work to come up with those excuses and they always leave me feeling...well..uneasy.
and I know what "uneasy" can do to me.

I'm glad this topic came up, because I sometimes get latched onto by nonstop motormouths. I just try to avoid them. Sometimes I'll exchange hellos and just keep on going.

ElleDee, I think I would stick with something nonspecific like "No, thanks, I have other plans" because any particular explanation or even the slightest detail could easily provide an opening for another hour of one-sided blather.

It's possible the poor dear has worn out and been cut off by all the other people she says are "mean" to her.

Maybe a little truth would help her in the long run. Maybe no one has ever pointed out to her that whining at length and treating someone else as a listening post is inconsiderate.

Anyway, good luck! ;)

Yeah... I don't need to give a reason why I don't want to do something. I am HORRIBLE at just saying NO, but No, I have other plans works for me. We'll see how it goes. :willy

I can comiserate, Elle. There are several comments here that sound good and are similar to what I've done to a couple of peace leeches that were getting harder & harder to take. I gave them plausible excuses like "I have to pick up my kids, or I've got a headache" until they asked me why I was doing that. When asked, I told them in as nice a manner as possible that their "constant rambling was emotionally draining and that was one of my triggers so I avoid that stuff now." The first time, the guy handled it well & actually made an effort to chill during the meetings but has not invited me for coffee since. The 2nd time was not so smooth and I went to a different meeting. People can be nerve-wracking sometimes! Good luck with your situation.

I knew someone like that. She would sometimes turn up at my house uninvited. She knew where I lived having given me a lift home one night. I just had to tell her straight that she was too full on. She sulked a bit but backed off and was fine with it eventually. xx

EllieDee, you are a very patient person. I cannot stand people who insist on overshadowing every conversation. Although, to be fair, I think there are those who don't even realize what they're doing or sounding like.

Personally, it takes me a long time to bond with people, but I can say for certain that your friend's personality is a turn-off to me. But, do exit the relationship gracefully. Good luck! :c011:

Bunnez

Definitely relate to your post and the comments.

If you think it could improve you could tell her (in the midst of her ranting about Debbie downer stuff) that she seems very unhappy. And that unfortunately you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by her sadness and frustration. Just let her know you're a sensitive person and you feel for her, but that her emotional stories are making you feel overwhelmed. Tell her you're open to be friends but that the conversations are too serious for you at this time.

Or you can always take the I'm busy route which is also completely acceptable.

Whatever makes you feel able to move on and be peaceful about your decision.