Feeling Really Ashamed
 

I actually joined this site some time ago (forgot my email password). I lasted 2 weeks sober and suddenly decided I was cured. I started drinking again but only the odd night at the weekend. This escalated to both weekend nights, then one night during the week.

Recently I've been back to a minimum of a half bottle of whiskey (at least) every night. Hiding bottles you name it.

This weekend though is officially my rock bottom! Went to an engagement party with my Girlfriend (I downed a half bottle before we went out). I then drank shots, vodka, beers basically anything that was going. I was absolutely wrecked and after failing to get into a club (too drunk) went home. My girlfriend had stayed out and next thing I remember is her shouting at me claiming I locked her out.

I then remember wrestling with her on the couch. Her Dad showed up (she phoned him) and she accused me of attacking her. I have never hit my Girlfriend before however she has on occasion hit me (she has a bad temper).

I left the next morning and went to my sisters and proceeded to continue drinking. I then continued drinking all through Sunday and woke Monday morning shaking. I had an interview at the University at 10:30 am and somehow managed to get the strength to get dressed and go. I told the interviewers that I had been unwell the previous day with food poisoning and was nervous and somehow managed to make it through the interview (this is a course that I've failed to complete twice due to heavy drinking). Amazingly I have been accepted on the course.

I phoned my girlfriend to tell her and attempt to reconcile and also to see my daughter. She refused to see me and told me to stay away. I eventually met her today and she has bruises all over her back and leg (I have a fat lip and bruised leg). I feel so ashamed I have never been violent towards her and normally I'm on the receiving end. She says I attacked her this time and as I was so drunk I can neither confirm or deny this. Either way my behavior was unacceptable and her family now consider me a wife beater.

I feel completely ashamed. I did not drink yesterday and will not drink today but I feel so low. What kind of person have I became? A woman beater! I was also unfaithful once due to my drinking so I can add that to the list. Actually hate myself right now and feel completely worthless. I used to consider myself a good person but sitting here thinking about not just the things listed above but all the things I've done I am definitely not. I feel like getting in my car and just disappearing.

This sounds like a real turning point for you. I don't have all the answers, not even close, but just offering my support....

I read once that "If you want self esteem, you have to do esteemable things." It a stronger person to own up and to participate and deal with your issues than to just get in your car and drive away.

This is a great place to get that support, all the best.

Alcohol changes you... I didnt believe it until I saw how I was when I wasnt drinking. If you truly want to stop and prove to your GF that you are a changed person, then I think actually doing it is the best way to prove it. Understand that she might be skeptical at first but show her you are getting help.

Maybe go to a meeting or go see a counselor. Good luck.

Dis-appearing is what I thought I was doing when I drank but we know better. Time will help but quitting drinking is what we are all about here. If it's what you are all about then this is a great start. Stick around, read everything, eat what you can and maybe get some vitamins. You can do this!

you got to leave her as for daughter

stay sober give it time she and her family are not going to listen and rightly so for now

to stand any chance of this situation getting better you must stay sober

do not further drink on this it will only get worse

hang in there it has happened learn from it

all the best nice to meet you

Each time you get the urge to drink again, Will, re-read your post.

You can climb out of this hole that you have dug for yourself. You really can. Many of us have. But you first need to stop digging...

Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.

Welcome

The insanity can be stopped if are willing to do what is necessary to stop it. If not it will only get worse.

Alcohol made do many things I am ashamed of but once I quit the healing started

Wow- tough spot, Will. But... frankly one that many, many folks on here can probably relate to. You have a (real) problem, but a FIXABLE/treatable, and resolvable problem. You need to stop drinking, now, first and foremost. Nothing is going to improve (both for yourself and for others) until that happens.

So... don't drink right now. Then... stay 'not drinking' for the rest of the day. When you wake up tomorrow, READ YOUR POST ABOVE, rinse, and repeat.

It can be scary, hard, daunting, and feel hopeless if you try to make it harder than that. For now though, if you keep it as simple as the single line I said above, it can be a LOT easier, especially at this stage. Don't drink right now, and don't drink today/tonight. Wake up, and repeat this.

Then, see a counselor or a therapist, and try to get to a meeting/bunch of meetings. You have some fences to mend, but you won't be able to mend anything if you are drunk (and you wouldn't remember them if you did anyway...).

Good luck, and we are here for ya.



(and don't turn into Ray Rice.....)

hey will
welcome back
I'd say (and it's unfortunate for all parties involved) that THIS is the proverbial fork in the road for you brother. You have 2 choices. Keep drinking or stop.
The fact that you don't even recall getting physical is frightening....do you think this is something she would make up? If not, you need to face this head on and it isn't going to be easy now that family is involved.
Domestic violence is not OK. If you did indeed do this, I really hope this will be the turning point for you to get help.
It took my 2nd DUI to finally face the fact I cannot drink. I got out of that AOK as did others on the road. THANK GOD.
stick around here - loads of support.

im not being harsh or nasty please understand its a bad situation with violence im not trying to make you feel worse but how would you feel if that was your daughter ?

its alot to accept im not being harsh im just saying if theres violence you cant predict there wont be again
thats why im saying give it time

let this be it we are all here for each other

good luck in staying sober

have you got a plan ?

Will, welcome back!

Having grown up in a violent home, I have zero tolerance for any kind of violence. It doesn't matter to me who starts it. It's simply unacceptable.

You can change if you decide to stop drinking and to fix things in your life. I hope that you continue to read and post.

Welcome back!!

I used to think I was "cured" after a period of abstinence for a long time, round and round in circles I went until the penny finally dropped, how could it? that 1st drink would always lead to the same place!!

I had to accept that myself and alcohol had to part ways on a permanent basis, and it sounds like alcohol is doing you no favours either!!

You can turn this around, write a new chapter to your life!! :)

Sounds like you have reached a point where the only way to go is up. Unless you want this madness to continue? It will continue thats a promise. Alchohol is liar. I've been there. I rejected good advice from a counselor I saw last year. Thought I could handle it. Next thing I know I was in jail with a bunch of legal problems. Please let this be your turning point. We are all here for you in the same boat you are in. Give it time with your gf..... Hang in there and stay strong. You can change this!

I agree with all the previous posters and I would like to add that it's not okay for her to put her hands on you either. Alcohol always makes every situation worse so hopefully this will be a turning point for you to realize that you need to quit drinking for yourself. It's in the past now and what happened happened so you can only move forward and make sure that it never happens again. You will always find support here. Remember: it's not okay for her to hit you either.

I'd like to say thanks to all of you who read my post and replied. I wanted to say thanks sooner but my girlfriend let me spend the evening with my daughter and put her to bed so I didn't get the chance to respond to all the messages of support.

I completely agree with the posts about violence being unacceptable and I abhor violence. This is why I feel so lost. I titled my post feeling ashamed, and while I do feel ashamed I think my overwhelming feeling is fear. I'm scared that I could be so out of control and scared that I don't know who I am or what I'm capable of.

My girlfriend was acting normal last night and I think she may want me back but I'm not sure it's a good idea right now. All I want to do is spend time with my daughter, read and try and sleep.

I know people will read my story and think 'he's using the I don't remember card' but I honestly can't, I promise you I've tried.

I discussed what happened with my girlfriend today and she said that when I finally answered the door it was as though I didn't know who she was or was even awake properly. I apparently kept saying "who the F*%$K are you" and "what the f%^&k do you want" before attacking her.

I've not slept well the last two nights I don't know if it's because my mind is racing or because of alcohol withdrawal, probably a bit of both. I'm getting really itchy at night especially my hands and feet and I wake every few hours drenched in sweat, so much so I have to get a towel to dry myself.

I actually haven't felt like drinking, the thought is there in the back of my mind and I know it will get worst but I know I won't drink tonight and that's all I'm focusing on. I've read a lot on here about taking one day at a time and that's what I'm focusing on. Today is my day three.

Excellent! 72 hrs. and yer still with us!

Well done Will for getting back in control.

Make sure you drink loads of water for your system to recover, plus if you're sweating at night. 2 litres a day.

You are really quite lucky. The police didn't get involved, you made it through your interview, you didn't injure yourself or anyone else bad enough to seek medical help, just a few bruises that will heal. You made it through your binge pretty much unscathed, except for your girlfriends parents opinion of you . And you can change that by getting and staying sober. You can't drink like you describe and expect such a "good" ending every time. You WILL hurt yourself, someone else, end up in jail, the possibilities are endless.

You have Plenty of time to turn this around. You learned a valuable about drinking "just a little".....You WANT to turn it around, that is what is important. Post here often, support is here for for you. Your next few days are going to be rough, but someone will be here. Be strong.

your not using a card its called a blackout where things happen and i literally do not remeber

glad you got to see your daughter

the sweating thing is normal bit scary but it calms down

i really relate to a lot of your withdrawl

ive had terrible blackouts think of it like the real life bruce banner/hulk

no joking i have woken up to mayhem many a time in my days of drinking

its gets better

one thing i didnt say is how honest your being about this i commend honesty !!

You can use these feelings as an opportunity for change.

Glad your here Will - I think many of us can relate with wanting to "disappear" - I know I did. All you can do is move forward & know with alcohol out of the picture, things will get better.

Okay, there is no point trying to remember what happened that night. It is totally futile to try because the fact of the matter is you are capable of violence under the influence of alcohol. You know that and because of that you now know there is no way you can drink again. I am a kind hearted, compassionate individual when I'm sober, no I'm not perfect but I am a decent person. When I am drunk and something pushes me the wrong way I am an animal, I can be extremely violent, aggressive, live like I have a death wish and have no respect for the law. The issue here is control. I nearly killed my brother the last heavy drinking session I had. After that I knew I couldn't ever drink again. I awoke the next day much like you, scared, upset, ashamed and ridden with guilt. I am doing my best to accept responsibility and live the life of the man I know I really am, not the bitter, angry individual that I cannot control taking over when I am drunk. You want to be an amazing dad, for people to respect you and to believe you aren't capable of hurting a woman, don't drink. You sound like a genuine and decent guy and your remorse is evidence of that. If you drink again who is to say what will have happened the next time you wake up. Waking up in prison cells, destroying relationships and near death experiences still didn't hit home for me, I just didn't get it. It took me almost killing my brother for me to realise. Don't let it get that far mate. I got lucky, you may not if you drink again. Peace.

Thank you everyone, it's truly amazing how supportive people on here are and I'm so glad I found this forum. I really appreciate the support and just reading some of the posts has me in tears at my desk as I really don't feel I deserve such understanding.

I'm just glad my daughter (she's 2) wasn't home when I was like that and every time I think about having a drink in future I'll try and remember that she doesn't know the drunk me and if I don't drink she never will.

your relationship sounds like my old one with my ex wife, because of our drunken fights we lost custody of our 2 small children
every week the police would be called to our home with the fights and arguments going on. sober we were good people we certainly never had the police on our doorstep sober, but then the drink got hold we were like raging bulls
when we lost our kids we blamed each other and the fights got worse we used to call the police on each other once we baited each other to push or hit out then it was assault and we would call the cops to get the other one arrested

total lunacy is how i see it looking back but when we were in it then it all seemed to be not as bad as everyone made out
our kids would be asleep when the trouble would go on so how dare they take our kids would be our defense

when the kids went and our older kids were just so utterly embarrased by what we had become me and her still clung together and of course the booze as no one else in the world would want me or her

it was a match made in hell in the end

not only did the drink have to go but i had to go away from her and she away from me

this was all 12 years ago i have been sober now for 10 and got my kids back out of care i dont get arrested anymore nor end up in prison i live a good honest life bringing my kids up on my own and working
thanks to aa and no more booze

if your anythng like me you will feel you desperatly need this girl as you can not face life without her
i had to give that up as well as the drink, i had to learn so much about me and how i am to grow
but first things first i know if i drink i will get angry and violent and look out world as there is a nutter on the rampage when i am drunk
dr Jekyll and mr hide and the sustance that brings about that change in me is drink

so if i dont drink i will not get drunk, i will not go around hitting out at anyone i will not wake up the next day full of fear about what i have done, with guilt shame and remorse
if i dont drink it will open a whole new world for me

and it can for anyone else who is like me i learned all i need and more from aa the people in aa with there honesty about themselves and how they really are is quite gob smacking you just dont hear people being so brutaly honest in the world, like you do in an aa room
so if you havent thought about it before then why not give aa a try ?

True that. I didn't fully realize this until I became sober either.

I have been thinking a lot about AA. There is a meeting tonight near me however I feel nervous about going. Coming on to this forum and admitting the things you've done feels different because you don't have to look people in the eye. Right now I don't think I could tell people to their face.

It's something I will keep thinking long and hard about but at the moment the support on here is helping.

Will198, I'm on day 24 and SR has been great. I'm glad we found it. Self-forgiveness is part of what I'm working on. I know you feel shaky right now, but it will get better.

Will your recovery is your recovery

Aa helped me out in beginning and i got a lot from it you dont have to talk you dont have to say your name even they are cool like that

my 1st meeting i was expecting a rowdy bunch of drunks what i got was all ages all races of ppl laughing talking making me tea a hello here and there i was baffed

in time i started to talk its not expected the moment just kind of happens

i leftt AA after 11 months got a lot from it

ive heard of other recovery programs also on this site inthe secular section

i dont depend on AA meetings to stay sober never have done but they really did help me

in my first mtn they said you can introduce yourself if you want so i stood up and just said hi im ..... i am alcoholic

i havnt looked back 4 days away from 14 months

hang in there

Will, I am glad you are here. I know what it is like to hit rock bottom hard. I always say that my rock bottom had a basement. One of the posters here, I can't remember who, has a great signature line. Something to the effect-rock bottom is the foundation on which I built the rest of my life. You can do this. If you don't feel ready for an AA meeting, just keep coming here.

Hey Will,

Congrats for quitting drinking and coming here. The only thing that can make an addict stop their addictive behaviour is their willingness to stop it, nothing else.

I say go to an AA meeting. I did, and the people were super nice. It may not be a good fit for my recovery, but who knows, it may be a good fit for you. There are also some good suggestions in the Rational Recovery section on this website as well.

As I let others know though, make sure, even in this early stage of sobriety that you make a plan. And by that have plans for any sort of situation that could expose you to booze or drinking, and have a plan how to deal with or avoid it. It also is good to have a minute-to-minute plan to avoid HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). It seems many people who stop drinking start again when a situation they didn't anticipate sneaks up on them.

Having a plan is the best way to avoid this.

Oh, and a hi to Maverickspoint. Thanks for sharing.