How do I "break up" with sponsor?
 

Hey everyone-- I am new to these forums so I hope my topic is okay, I just need some advice from someone who has been in AA. I joined AA several months ago and have been sober and very happy. All around it has been a positive experience. I feel great. But I am having trouble with a needy/possibly abusive sponsor and I don't know how to go about breaking it off without causing this guy to completely lose it and possibly lose his sobriety. The fact that it feels like breaking up with someone is enough to tell me it is not right.

Here is a bit of background:

This guy took me under his wing from day one. I am grateful for this. He has taught me a lot about sobriety and the steps and has been helpful. Unfortunately, something doesn't seem right lately. When we meet, he talks at me for 1 to 2 hours (I am not supposed to speak unless asked a direct question), and he is often droning on about sexual fantasies of his in great detail. He tells me over and over how insane he is, how he fell in love with his last sponsee (he is gay, I am not), and he tells me how sad it makes him that I don't call him every day. He tells me how much we need each other and how we need to work on deepening our friendship. He is making me uncomfortable. I am going to be frank here: I want someone to take me through the steps, not a needy friend who is possibly in love with me. I hate saying that, but it is true. He was extremely helpful for the first couple months but now is slowly crossing a line into something rather bizarre. Is this the normal sponsor/sponsee dynamic?? Last night I saw him cornered by his own sponsor and it was utterly strange how he suddenly became a submissive child in front of this guy, a sycophant. Something isn't right here. But I am afraid to "break it off" with him because of how much he "needs" and "loves" me, and I don't want him to hurt himself or drink (he is bipolar, history of suicide attempts). How on earth should I go about this?? When I try bringing up "getting too close" in a nice way he deflects and shoots me down. When the idea of me getting a new sponsor is brought up, I am "mistaken" and have "given in to stinkin thinkin." It is like "gaslighting" if you know the term (convincing someone they are crazy and that they need you).

His actions are completely inappropriate, whether he's an AA sponsor or not. Simpy call him and tell him you are finding a different sponsor. Let your meeeting organizer know as well as his actions are grossly out of line.

Just tell him it's not working out. No is a complete sentence. You are not responsible for his sobriety, HE is.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I would contact his sponsor, but this is based on my relationship with my sponsor's sponsor.

welcome!!
sorry to see ya have to deal with this and glad to see the experience isn't turnin ya off of AA.
is it normal? no. heres a good read on sponsorship.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

how to break it off....welp, id say with courage.you can get into detail or just say that it aint workin for ya. id think that keepin it simple with something like,"this aint workin for me so im getting another sponsor" would be good enough.


and this is awesome to read:
"I want someone to take me through the steps"

The sponsor/sponsee relationship is a mutual agreement, keep it simple, it's not working out and you're moving on from him!!

How frustrating, I am sorry you are going through this but it sounds like a stress and drama you definitely don't need while trying to stay sober. By the way, congratulations on your months of sobriety! I find that whenever you can be honest it is the best move. I'd keep it short, simple, but honest.

"Thank you so much for taking me under your wing and the support you have provided me thus far. Right now I am feeling uncomfortable with the more personal turn our relationship is taking and I think it is best for me and my sobriety if I find another sponsor. Thanks again for your help and I wish you the best of luck."

Maybe it is best done via email or text message so you don't have to fight off rebuttals on his part.

Get another sponsor and then tell current one that you have found another sponsor and thank you for working with me....etc.

Don't be high and dry without a sponsor, though.

If someone's sobriety is so tenuous that a sponsee moving on would possibly cause him to drink, he has no business sponsoring anybody. Because he is gay, he should not be sponsoring men - regardless of their orientation. Thank him for all that he has done, and move on. You do not owe him an explanation. If it makes it easier for you, get your next sponsor first, and let them hash it out if your current sponsor finds it necessary to discuss it.

I'm not in AA anymore but during the year I was I had 3 sponsors. The way I looked at it I "hired" them and they were my employee. I hired them to do a specific job and that was to take me thru the 12 steps the quickest and best way possible. As with any other employee if I felt they were not doing the job I expected then I would "fire" them and find another.

Seems a bit simplistic, but it's an analogy.

You don't owe this person any explanation. Just tell them you are finding another sponsor. And do that until you find the right fit.

Very. Very. Creepy.

~Bunnez

If he gets drunk for being dumped he was never sober to begin with. Do it with respect if you can but move on.

His actions and words are WAY out of line, rather creepy if you ask me!

In my opinion you should tell someone at AA who is in a position of authority about your situation and then have that person with you as you tell this sponsor you are '' moving on ''

Whatever he decides to do after that is on HIM and not you!! You are not responsible for his actions!

There is no one at AA in a "position of authority". That is not how AA works. If it helps you to have someone else with you by all means do so, but no one can "speak" for AA or even for a specific group.

He needs someone with him as a witness whilst he breaks the news!

That is an excellent point. The whole purpose of differing gender AA relationships is to circumvent the possibility of a romantic or physically intimate relationship.Makes sense.

I am in agreement with everyone else here...get out of it ..now. Let him know that for whatever reason, you feel the dynamic is not empowering your sobriety and you feel a change is what you need.

I have left my sponser twice same guy but not through I don't want to know you

First time I told him I dont think its working out as it didn't feel right I thought he was harsh

Then after finally getting 90 days went to aa and said I've done it I have found a piece of me

I started tea service and more and more mtns started to feel not right for me

After picking up my 9 month chip I left and told my sponser I am people pleasing and I don't feel right with it but I am going to be sober

It got a lil heated on his side with things like I haven't given it a chance etc he meant the steps I told him I'm not swapping my recovery for something that could risk it

After that i stayed away from mtns i did try another a month later but same feeling again

It could be my agrophobia I have spent my life alone sort of

Told him I want him in my life he is important even if he is funny with me didn't even text me on my yur sober I decided to ring him weird right ? My sister is aa and 2 years and cos I don't do the steps she doesn't think I'm sober so didn't call me on my year or birthday

I'm getting down writing this il never bash aa but there are some destroying it from inside and that's bad as aa has saved lives

With their initial help they saved mine

Feel down now weird

Listen to your conscience... It's never wrong. The difficulty lies in deciding which voice in your head is your conscience and which is your self will.

Something similar happened to me, difference was my sponsor was creeping me out by making lustful comments all the time about young women in aa and I never thought that was too "spiritual" or "recovered" in fact it reminded me of the way men can carry on whilst drinking.

There are some nuts in aa, but if you allow your sixth sense or conscience to guide you, you should be ok and know what to do

Sponsors and sponsees get dumped all the time. If this guy can't handle it then so be it. He sounds like a dry drunk. My sponsor has run the gamut with sponsees from those that have been sober 25 years to those who have passed away due to the disease. Not all sponsor/sponsee relationships work and this sounds like one that is not working. In the end, it is causing you anxiety and as we all know anxiety can be a big trigger for relapsing.

Eddiebuckle: ...Because he is gay, he should not be sponsoring men - regardless of their orientation...

Nuudawn: ...The whole purpos e of differing gender AA relationships is to circumvent the possibility of a romantic or physically intimate relationship. Makes sense...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Actually, neither one of these is true. I got sober in Gay AA groups/meetings here in Houston, and in my early recovery I spent some time in Gay AA groups and meetings in San Francisco, and we all followed the 'norm' AA suggestion of 'men with men/women with women' especially when it came to sponsorship. It has nothing to do with the possibility of romantic or physically intimate relationships; it has to do with the fact that men and women are different; we live different lives; we drink/use for different reasons; we need folks in recovery who can relate, and men and women....? We're just different, period.

I've had both male and female sponsors, and in doing my 5th step with my male sponsor, I learned more about his sex life than I EVER wanted to know....about anybody's sex life.

It's probably better to have a sponsor of the same gender, but it's not a 'must,' Remember, there are no 'musts' in AA.

(o:
NoelleR

There are a lot of musts in the Bb.

Middle of the road Aa doesn't seem to have many or any though.

One tip I have would be to meet him in a restaurant or coffee shop to break it off. This way, he will have to control himself somewhat because there are other people around. He may not have to control himself at all. He may be calm and collected. Block his phone number afterwards. Does he know where you live?

He sounds smarmy to me!

This right here!

The guy sounds dangerous in my opinion!

I've been fired and have had to fire someone in AA. It isn't easy especially when you see them the next few times. But, your sobriety is about YOU, not them or me or anyone else. If something isn't working for you, you need to get it out of your life. Period.

Soooo sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds massively uncomfortable. Good luck and please keep us informed about what is happening. I'll be praying for you and for your sponsor.

. . . and THIS! Agree 100%

There are no 'musts' in the program.

(o:
NoelleR

What you said above is enough reason to get a new sponsor IMO. The sponsor/sponsee relationship should not be a dominate/submissive type relationship.

The other things you've mentioned are creepy and very unhealthy. IMO it's time to move on.

sponsorship
 

dump you can't make anyone drink you can't make anyone get better you're on a life-and-death errand find a sponsor who has taken the steps and has what you want.... as a sponsor we have one responsibility to guide and other alcoholic through the steps so they can do likewise nothing else if we become friends afterwards wonderful the support group is where you can bitch wine moan and complain English helpful advice a sponsor is not a relationship expert on marriage counselor bank...... want to know something else the word sponsee doesn't even exist in any dictionary anywhere this idea of sponsorship has gotten watered down they take people hostage want to be in control because they're full of fear selfishness and ego this process helps us to be God dependent our own conception of God not people dependent read the middle of page 98 in the bottom of 99 top of 100 not being people dependent but God dependence