How do I "break up" with sponsor?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1
How do I "break up" with sponsor?
Hey everyone-- I am new to these forums so I hope my topic is okay, I just need some advice from someone who has been in AA. I joined AA several months ago and have been sober and very happy. All around it has been a positive experience. I feel great. But I am having trouble with a needy/possibly abusive sponsor and I don't know how to go about breaking it off without causing this guy to completely lose it and possibly lose his sobriety. The fact that it feels like breaking up with someone is enough to tell me it is not right.
Here is a bit of background:
This guy took me under his wing from day one. I am grateful for this. He has taught me a lot about sobriety and the steps and has been helpful. Unfortunately, something doesn't seem right lately. When we meet, he talks at me for 1 to 2 hours (I am not supposed to speak unless asked a direct question), and he is often droning on about sexual fantasies of his in great detail. He tells me over and over how insane he is, how he fell in love with his last sponsee (he is gay, I am not), and he tells me how sad it makes him that I don't call him every day. He tells me how much we need each other and how we need to work on deepening our friendship. He is making me uncomfortable. I am going to be frank here: I want someone to take me through the steps, not a needy friend who is possibly in love with me. I hate saying that, but it is true. He was extremely helpful for the first couple months but now is slowly crossing a line into something rather bizarre. Is this the normal sponsor/sponsee dynamic?? Last night I saw him cornered by his own sponsor and it was utterly strange how he suddenly became a submissive child in front of this guy, a sycophant. Something isn't right here. But I am afraid to "break it off" with him because of how much he "needs" and "loves" me, and I don't want him to hurt himself or drink (he is bipolar, history of suicide attempts). How on earth should I go about this?? When I try bringing up "getting too close" in a nice way he deflects and shoots me down. When the idea of me getting a new sponsor is brought up, I am "mistaken" and have "given in to stinkin thinkin." It is like "gaslighting" if you know the term (convincing someone they are crazy and that they need you).
Here is a bit of background:
This guy took me under his wing from day one. I am grateful for this. He has taught me a lot about sobriety and the steps and has been helpful. Unfortunately, something doesn't seem right lately. When we meet, he talks at me for 1 to 2 hours (I am not supposed to speak unless asked a direct question), and he is often droning on about sexual fantasies of his in great detail. He tells me over and over how insane he is, how he fell in love with his last sponsee (he is gay, I am not), and he tells me how sad it makes him that I don't call him every day. He tells me how much we need each other and how we need to work on deepening our friendship. He is making me uncomfortable. I am going to be frank here: I want someone to take me through the steps, not a needy friend who is possibly in love with me. I hate saying that, but it is true. He was extremely helpful for the first couple months but now is slowly crossing a line into something rather bizarre. Is this the normal sponsor/sponsee dynamic?? Last night I saw him cornered by his own sponsor and it was utterly strange how he suddenly became a submissive child in front of this guy, a sycophant. Something isn't right here. But I am afraid to "break it off" with him because of how much he "needs" and "loves" me, and I don't want him to hurt himself or drink (he is bipolar, history of suicide attempts). How on earth should I go about this?? When I try bringing up "getting too close" in a nice way he deflects and shoots me down. When the idea of me getting a new sponsor is brought up, I am "mistaken" and have "given in to stinkin thinkin." It is like "gaslighting" if you know the term (convincing someone they are crazy and that they need you).
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
His actions are completely inappropriate, whether he's an AA sponsor or not. Simpy call him and tell him you are finding a different sponsor. Let your meeeting organizer know as well as his actions are grossly out of line.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome!!
sorry to see ya have to deal with this and glad to see the experience isn't turnin ya off of AA.
is it normal? no. heres a good read on sponsorship.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
how to break it off....welp, id say with courage.you can get into detail or just say that it aint workin for ya. id think that keepin it simple with something like,"this aint workin for me so im getting another sponsor" would be good enough.
and this is awesome to read:
"I want someone to take me through the steps"
sorry to see ya have to deal with this and glad to see the experience isn't turnin ya off of AA.
is it normal? no. heres a good read on sponsorship.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
how to break it off....welp, id say with courage.you can get into detail or just say that it aint workin for ya. id think that keepin it simple with something like,"this aint workin for me so im getting another sponsor" would be good enough.
and this is awesome to read:
"I want someone to take me through the steps"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
How frustrating, I am sorry you are going through this but it sounds like a stress and drama you definitely don't need while trying to stay sober. By the way, congratulations on your months of sobriety! I find that whenever you can be honest it is the best move. I'd keep it short, simple, but honest.
"Thank you so much for taking me under your wing and the support you have provided me thus far. Right now I am feeling uncomfortable with the more personal turn our relationship is taking and I think it is best for me and my sobriety if I find another sponsor. Thanks again for your help and I wish you the best of luck."
Maybe it is best done via email or text message so you don't have to fight off rebuttals on his part.
"Thank you so much for taking me under your wing and the support you have provided me thus far. Right now I am feeling uncomfortable with the more personal turn our relationship is taking and I think it is best for me and my sobriety if I find another sponsor. Thanks again for your help and I wish you the best of luck."
Maybe it is best done via email or text message so you don't have to fight off rebuttals on his part.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
If someone's sobriety is so tenuous that a sponsee moving on would possibly cause him to drink, he has no business sponsoring anybody. Because he is gay, he should not be sponsoring men - regardless of their orientation. Thank him for all that he has done, and move on. You do not owe him an explanation. If it makes it easier for you, get your next sponsor first, and let them hash it out if your current sponsor finds it necessary to discuss it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
I'm not in AA anymore but during the year I was I had 3 sponsors. The way I looked at it I "hired" them and they were my employee. I hired them to do a specific job and that was to take me thru the 12 steps the quickest and best way possible. As with any other employee if I felt they were not doing the job I expected then I would "fire" them and find another.
Seems a bit simplistic, but it's an analogy.
You don't owe this person any explanation. Just tell them you are finding another sponsor. And do that until you find the right fit.
Seems a bit simplistic, but it's an analogy.
You don't owe this person any explanation. Just tell them you are finding another sponsor. And do that until you find the right fit.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 2,057
His actions and words are WAY out of line, rather creepy if you ask me!
In my opinion you should tell someone at AA who is in a position of authority about your situation and then have that person with you as you tell this sponsor you are '' moving on ''
Whatever he decides to do after that is on HIM and not you!! You are not responsible for his actions!
In my opinion you should tell someone at AA who is in a position of authority about your situation and then have that person with you as you tell this sponsor you are '' moving on ''
Whatever he decides to do after that is on HIM and not you!! You are not responsible for his actions!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by Chilledice 
His actions and words are WAY out of line, rather creepy if you ask me!
In my opinion you should tell someone at AA who is in a position of authority about your situation and then have that person with you as you tell this sponsor you are '' moving on ''
Whatever he decides to do after that is on HIM and not you!! You are not responsible for his actions!
In my opinion you should tell someone at AA who is in a position of authority about your situation and then have that person with you as you tell this sponsor you are '' moving on ''
Whatever he decides to do after that is on HIM and not you!! You are not responsible for his actions!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 2,057
Originally Posted by Taking5
There is no one at AA in a "position of authority". That is not how AA works. If it helps you to have someone else with you by all means do so, but no one can "speak" for AA or even for a specific group.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle
Because he is gay, he should not be sponsoring men - regardless of their orientation.
I am in agreement with everyone else here...get out of it ..now. Let him know that for whatever reason, you feel the dynamic is not empowering your sobriety and you feel a change is what you need.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I have left my sponser twice same guy but not through I don't want to know you
First time I told him I dont think its working out as it didn't feel right I thought he was harsh
Then after finally getting 90 days went to aa and said I've done it I have found a piece of me
I started tea service and more and more mtns started to feel not right for me
After picking up my 9 month chip I left and told my sponser I am people pleasing and I don't feel right with it but I am going to be sober
It got a lil heated on his side with things like I haven't given it a chance etc he meant the steps I told him I'm not swapping my recovery for something that could risk it
After that i stayed away from mtns i did try another a month later but same feeling again
It could be my agrophobia I have spent my life alone sort of
Told him I want him in my life he is important even if he is funny with me didn't even text me on my yur sober I decided to ring him weird right ? My sister is aa and 2 years and cos I don't do the steps she doesn't think I'm sober so didn't call me on my year or birthday
I'm getting down writing this il never bash aa but there are some destroying it from inside and that's bad as aa has saved lives
With their initial help they saved mine
Feel down now weird
First time I told him I dont think its working out as it didn't feel right I thought he was harsh
Then after finally getting 90 days went to aa and said I've done it I have found a piece of me
I started tea service and more and more mtns started to feel not right for me
After picking up my 9 month chip I left and told my sponser I am people pleasing and I don't feel right with it but I am going to be sober
It got a lil heated on his side with things like I haven't given it a chance etc he meant the steps I told him I'm not swapping my recovery for something that could risk it
After that i stayed away from mtns i did try another a month later but same feeling again
It could be my agrophobia I have spent my life alone sort of
Told him I want him in my life he is important even if he is funny with me didn't even text me on my yur sober I decided to ring him weird right ? My sister is aa and 2 years and cos I don't do the steps she doesn't think I'm sober so didn't call me on my year or birthday
I'm getting down writing this il never bash aa but there are some destroying it from inside and that's bad as aa has saved lives
With their initial help they saved mine
Feel down now weird
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Melbourne, Victoria
Posts: 215
Listen to your conscience... It's never wrong. The difficulty lies in deciding which voice in your head is your conscience and which is your self will.
Something similar happened to me, difference was my sponsor was creeping me out by making lustful comments all the time about young women in aa and I never thought that was too "spiritual" or "recovered" in fact it reminded me of the way men can carry on whilst drinking.
There are some nuts in aa, but if you allow your sixth sense or conscience to guide you, you should be ok and know what to do
Something similar happened to me, difference was my sponsor was creeping me out by making lustful comments all the time about young women in aa and I never thought that was too "spiritual" or "recovered" in fact it reminded me of the way men can carry on whilst drinking.
There are some nuts in aa, but if you allow your sixth sense or conscience to guide you, you should be ok and know what to do
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Sponsors and sponsees get dumped all the time. If this guy can't handle it then so be it. He sounds like a dry drunk. My sponsor has run the gamut with sponsees from those that have been sober 25 years to those who have passed away due to the disease. Not all sponsor/sponsee relationships work and this sounds like one that is not working. In the end, it is causing you anxiety and as we all know anxiety can be a big trigger for relapsing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Eddiebuckle: ...Because he is gay, he should not be sponsoring men - regardless of their orientation...
Nuudawn: ...The whole purpos e of differing gender AA relationships is to circumvent the possibility of a romantic or physically intimate relationship. Makes sense...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actually, neither one of these is true. I got sober in Gay AA groups/meetings here in Houston, and in my early recovery I spent some time in Gay AA groups and meetings in San Francisco, and we all followed the 'norm' AA suggestion of 'men with men/women with women' especially when it came to sponsorship. It has nothing to do with the possibility of romantic or physically intimate relationships; it has to do with the fact that men and women are different; we live different lives; we drink/use for different reasons; we need folks in recovery who can relate, and men and women....? We're just different, period.
I've had both male and female sponsors, and in doing my 5th step with my male sponsor, I learned more about his sex life than I EVER wanted to know....about anybody's sex life.
It's probably better to have a sponsor of the same gender, but it's not a 'must,' Remember, there are no 'musts' in AA.
(o:
NoelleR
Nuudawn: ...The whole purpos e of differing gender AA relationships is to circumvent the possibility of a romantic or physically intimate relationship. Makes sense...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Actually, neither one of these is true. I got sober in Gay AA groups/meetings here in Houston, and in my early recovery I spent some time in Gay AA groups and meetings in San Francisco, and we all followed the 'norm' AA suggestion of 'men with men/women with women' especially when it came to sponsorship. It has nothing to do with the possibility of romantic or physically intimate relationships; it has to do with the fact that men and women are different; we live different lives; we drink/use for different reasons; we need folks in recovery who can relate, and men and women....? We're just different, period.
I've had both male and female sponsors, and in doing my 5th step with my male sponsor, I learned more about his sex life than I EVER wanted to know....about anybody's sex life.
It's probably better to have a sponsor of the same gender, but it's not a 'must,' Remember, there are no 'musts' in AA.
(o:
NoelleR
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