Tomorrow morning I will most likely be jobless sadly
 

Sadly, and with a much hardened heart, tomorrow morning not sure I can go to work. I did everything in my power to sustain this week, but felt trapped, other worldly, like I was going to die, end to end this week. Its something, as being me, that is truly hard to admit. I have severe mental issues, and after today, yesterday almost now, I was scared out of my mind. I could hardly control me and the day felt like 10 years.

Panic attacks, and heavy anxiety, I locked myself in my house for 2 years, paranoid, partly delusional, and scared to go out. I got on medication, got a job, and worked my way to a full-time job. I was so proud of myself escaping my house and rejoining society. Now, on this sad evening, I must admit I am going to have to fly my white flag and retreat.

Something, I don't talk about much, I have disabled daughter. After I left the house I poured my heart and soul into the disability community, and did everything I could to help people and stand for their rights as humans. Now I feel like I am going to disappoint my daughter, and let her down. So sad and depressed, but anxiety has taken a hold and don't know what to do.

A moment of pure, unadulterated truth, I've always lied to physicians about, myself, and even my wife. I hear things that don't exist, have for a sometime (3 years) have a biological mother that is schizophrenic ( my real adopted mom raised me and she will always be mom), but now I am thinking and hearing things that truly don't exist. This scares me, this scares the hell out of me, I treated it with alcohol, but now the alcohol is gone and all I got is a ton of anxiety and voices.

I don't want to be branded crazy, but I don't want to live crazy either. I guess the real mea culpa here is for the first time in my life I am actually admitting it, I am worn out, weathered, scared, anxious, and quite somber at this hour. I know I am serial posting today, but this post is the post most dear to my heart.

Tomorrow the sun is going to rise, and the fear of having fear is quite possibly going to end TDG career, something he has loved, and something he is never quite sure he can regain.

I am not drinking, I wish I could at this moment, I know that tonight I will not sleep. I fear going to work tomorrow, not going to work tomorrow, having meds not having meds, being crazy, not being crazy. sobriety and no sobriety.

So for now, I sit here at midnight contemplating what to do, meds mean I can't drive a truck anymore, SSRI, SNRI, Trycyclics, Maoi's tried all the non narcotic meds, with limited success, and even if they worked it takes some time for them to kick in..... Ultmately, Benzo's did work, but you can't drive and take benzo's and if I am honest with a doctor for once in my life anti psychotics, oh that class scares me. I know this is a huge community, and please someone out there, if you take those type of meds tell me its not the end... So scared at this hour, but I know I can't keep living like this, my decision tonight, tomorrow and going forward are for the best I hope.

The most real I've ever been in a post, I hope others will read it and know you're not alone, and seek the advice of the more experienced in sobriety. Thanks for reading TDG, stay safe and sober, on this humbling somberring night. HOLY whatever, can't sleep and dying at this hour.

I think you have to do whats best for you in the long term, health wise, and to me it seems like you are doing just that. Living a lie will not last and the best thing for you is to resolve your health issues first and let the rest take care of itself. I do believe that your anxiety will improve and you will learn to manage them down the line. I can't speak from experience on the same issue, but I think you kno whats best for you. Stay strong and optimistic !

I follow your posts TDG and you have posted some really useful thoughts I wish you all the luck in the world my friend. Kind regards, Jude

I hope you'll decide to get help TDG. There's a vast array of medications and treatments out there.

I'm on a tricyclic myself - and I'm not crazy. Maybe a little freaky :240: but not crazy :)

D

Being too scared to get help keeps us caught in a nightmare.

I really urge you to go and seek professional help and to be honest with your Doctors about everything you've got going on. Please don't let concerns about how the meds will affect your job put you off because it sounds like it is in real jeopardy anyway. Sometimes removing the alcohol exposes so many other things that we've numbed away.

It did for me too. I was diagnosed with PTSD and a dissociative disorder. I needed professional help.

Just last week I was put on a new med to combat some physical difficulties brought on by stress. It has helped me so much. I'm not sure where I would be today without it.

Please try to take some deep breaths and be completely honest. Mental health issues can be treated just like anything else..and there is nothing you can say to your Doctors, psychiatrists, counsellors, that they haven't heard and dealt with before.

Wishing you well.

The night is droning on, I am sitting here perplexed and flummoxed by my possibilities, but in stead fast in my resolved to get help soon. Tomorrow is clearly a wash, I am going to call in and half quit, IE tell them the truth and ask for unpaid time off for 2 weeks so I can see a doctor get meds and help. See if light duty and or non driving is possibility, if not, I am ready, and need to just submit to the fact that I can't go on being afraid and living in misery and no matter what this is for the better.

Hey, there. I am so glad you chose to be so brave as to take the mask off.

I was really scared of and against the anti-psychotics too. I said I would never take them.

So here I am on a fairly high dose on one now.
It hasn't cured all my symptoms but it has done me far more good and more broadly across my symptom spectrum than I could have imagined.

Plus, I sleep like a dream.

I take 3 other meds too.

So, I can definitivitly (SP?) tell you that it is not the end. ok? :)

My life isn't easy, but it's easier. Most importantly I am not a danger to myself anymore.

My voices are not the same as yours, mine are intrusive, persistent, non-stop internal repititions of the single word suicide and it goes on and on all night long while I pace the floor begging it to stop and let me sleep. (bipolar mixed episode is what it's called.)

That has been completely cured!!!!

So please go get yourself the help you deserve.

You can get time off with FMLA.

Thanks Live for the sound advice, this morning I called in and basically said, having panic attacks, need time under the family medical leave act, and putting the ball in their court rather than out and out quitting. So now I wait to see what happens.

(((TDG)))

You are a brave man. I am praying for you. (Hope that's ok.)

I have no direct words that can possibly get around the whole depth of what you must be feeling.... but I feel for you.

What I can offer is this; when I have been most afraid of the 'what if's' in life.... time and again, the what-if's wound up worse than the 'what really happened's'.

As best you can, try to place your faith in things working out. Get yourself help. You're not 'crazy' if you have a condition.... you simply have a condition.

Do what you need to get yourself taken care of, treated, supported... and go from there. Live it the next step at a time for now.

TDC, thanks for sharing with us. As hard as it was, i do hope it helped you by opening yourself up somewhat.

I think you know us well enough here that there will not be any judgement placed on you, EVER.

I just wanted to say thanks for posting and PLEASE get the help that you need for your long term health; both physically and mentally.

Best wishes, and praying for you!

I hope you are doing okay. I think you did what was best for you. Please take care of yourself and do whatever it takes to get well and remain sober. We are all behind you. No judgments or expectations :hug:

I understand exactly what you are facing right now. Exactly.

And you MUST protect yourself at all costs.

Sending you love and light....

XO AO

Sending you good thoughts, TDG.
:)

The hour has come and gone and I should be at work right now as of 5 minutes ago, now I am waiting for a call back to see if they approved my leave request or if I am fired. I did do the right thing though, I didn't quit, I put that ball in their court. Today is still a positive day for me, I am happy not sad about this, time to move forward....

TDG...words cannot express how brave I think you are. Thank you for sharing something so deeply troubling..and personal. Thank you for letting us in.

Sending love, hope and bright blessings friend. Keep us updated.

Maybe when you see your doctor show him what you wrote. Sometimes more gets said on pap I found when having to tell a doctor really personal things

TDG, just want to wish you all the best. You are being pro-active by being honest with your doctor and going to him/her for help. Things will get better, you're doing all the right things!

Hang in there TDG!! SR is in your corner!! :grouphug:

TDG, I take an anti-psychotic fro schizo-affective disorder, and it's no big deal. But it helps me control the voices and abnormal thoughts. From what I have read here at SoberRecovery, benzos are a frightening, addictive medication that should be avoided if at all possible.

Please take your life back and be honest with your doctor.

TDG, you did the right thing by posting this. And, you did the right thing by calling into work and asking for time off to deal with your issues. I hope that your job will be there for you, but the main thing is to see a dr and do whatever you can to feel better.

TDG, really sorry to hear about your troubles but as people have said it sounds like you are (bravely!) doing the right things.

(P.S. -- I'm also very sorry about that snarky post I made on one of your threads a while ago. I do regret that.)

When you called work this morning were you able to speak with someone live?

If you only left a message you should call again to make sure they know the situation sooner rather than later.

Hoping that things are in the works for a decent accommodation by your workplace.

Wishing you all the best in your life's journey. :)

~~~ healing vibes sent your way ~~~

I love our beautiful little online family.

Forward we go, side by side...Carol D.

TDG,

You need to see a Dr right away, both to get help and to get him to write up to put you on FMLA. You may be able to collect on your company's disability insurance while you are off work under the FMLA act. If you have that kind of insurance then you will get it.
Legally you cannot be fired for utilizing FMLA.
This will give you time to rest, get medical help and some time for the meds to kick in.

While I don't take an Antipsychotic I’m familiar with the class of medication and I'm so glad you are choosing to see a doctor.

I applaud your courage in admitting to the voices and hope to put in perspective any stigma you may feel.

If one’s cholesterol is high- they go on cholesterol lowering medication. If one's has difficulty processing sugar- they go on insulin.

Unfortunately the majority of society is not at the point where an ‘irregularity’ in the brain is accepted as readily as an ‘irregularity’ of the body.

To be clear- I'm not a doctor and will speak in general terms about auditory hallucinations and their treatment. And to be clear- you are not ‘crazy’. If you want a label- consider yourself “Dopamine Challenged” ;).

It is believed that auditory hallucinations are the result of an excess of a chemical called Dopamine in the brain. An antipsychotics’ purpose- quite simply- is to reduce the amount of Dopamine in one’s brain.

While antipsychotics and insulin work differently, their purposes are similar. Both products are introduced to the body to help it regulate itself. Try not to buy into the stigma over taking medications to resolve sympoms in the the brain rather than in the body.

Congratulations again on your resolution to further take care of yourself.

Thank you all for your reply's, its around 3 pm and no reply from work yet, but I am hanging in there. I placed the decision on them, one way or another, I am no longer in control and I accepting this fact. Now is and will be about me, going to get help, handle my mental issues and deal with everything else on a later date.

I know they know situation and laid out my situation plane and clearly for them. I am not going to sweat today! For now I am focusing on being happy, not drinking, and just getting on with the day. Yes today is long and hard, but I am actually feeling some relief with my honesty and doing something I normally wouldn't do.

Thanks again for all your replies, what an awesome community, thank you SR

I hope theres a good outcome TDG :)

D

I agree -- this would be very important at this time
some slack during this period
only to find out later that by not taking the proper steps
the income that they may have had they have not
and find out that a doctor could have been great protection for them

MM

Actually, it isn't all on them. If you present documentation from your dr backdated to today, which should be no problem, then they cannot fire you legally.
It also gets you disability payments.


oops posting same time as above and he's right.

I have no insurance right now, but will go to the mental hospital on Monday, I couldn't do it today because I was waiting for my job to respond. They didn't so now on Monday I am going to be brutally honest with the doctors and see what happens. If I get no payments or unemployment doesn't work out, I have 45 days of living expeses saved up, so I am not in any immediate danger.