I am so used to doing this
 

So I fell off the wagon, again, tonight. I hate that it makes me like all these other posts that start out asking for help, blah, blah, blah, and than no one keeping their promises. I guess that is me too. I hate that I am not "special."

I am so used to going to the liquor store, I just do it, like clockwork. Keep in mind that out of three weeks of being sober, I drink 1/3 of the time. Does that make me "better?" I don't know.

I just felt like I had to go there. I don't know what else to do in the evening, many times, when I get off my computer except get out of the house and go "somewhere." "Somewhere" is always the liquor store. Where else is there?

I work from home half the week, have no real friends and feel very much alone. And before you all start telling me it is because I drink, it isn't true. I was very much sober, for 7 years, and still didn't have any real friends.

I would love someone to talk to. I would love a man in my life who loved me, that I shared my life with, I have never been married. I have a hard time connecting with people. I always feel left out, not good enough and like an outsider, drunk or sober. Always.

I hate that I gave into my addiction, yet the only way I seem to be able to stay sober is if I "have enough to do." That is always it. Keep busy, work, work, work, yet I have no real social connections. My mother, maybe, who I talk to on the phone almost every night, but no man, no friends, just me an my pets.

I don't want to excuse my actions. I failed. Yet my failure always leads me to the same place. A lack of social ability, maybe, too high of expectations, not being satisfied with what life has given me, and always alone. If I had some friends, I think this would be a lot easier.

I know one way you could make some sober friends and help your sobriety. Go to AA meetings. I would also suggest that you consider counseling. I see a counselor and it helps a lot, in all areas of my life. Give it a try. You've got nothing to lose but your misery. :hug:

Hi Mabel

the tough part about wanting change is we need to make change.
If we want different outcomes we need to make different decisions.

If we want that partner or those friends, I think we need to accept our current drinking life is not conducive to that.

We need to stop the drinking and 'fix' ourselves and our life is we want the kinds of things we know we deserve,

It's not an instant gratification - it's a leap of faith...if we do x we will get y...but it worked that way for me, and I suspect for a lot of other people too.

I did a lot of volunteer work - it filled up my day, got me mixing with others again, and got me out of my own head. Doing good helped me feel good too.

next time you feel the urge try and think in the longer term, not the immediate - what is it you want? who do you want to be? what will it take for you to get there?

and use us for support - before you crack - we love to help :)

D

I have a book here called "The Friendship Factor." I'm certain there are a lot of books that address this.

I'm not that great at making friends, either. I am an only child and I am used to being alone.

I find that if I want to have a friend, I have to make that happen. I have to make plans and I have to call them and maintain contact. It's difficult. One person at a time, I'm trying to build my team.

I hope you'll try along with me. Put down the bottle - it just magnifies the bad.

I don't really want to least. I don't want to pay for someone to love me. Seems f*cked up.

Counselling is not about paying someone to love you, or even like you, Mabel.
It's like seeing a Dr.

A good one might get you starting to love yourself tho :)

D

Sigh. But I Did Dee. I was sober for 7 years and things didn't really change. I didn't get any more friends, no more visits, no calls, I went to AA. I was still alone. Still am. I don't think it mattered either way. So this weird, great, lovely, magical solution of being sober didn't solve it all. Really, if I want to be honest, is it brought my expectations up from others and left me flat.

I couldn't be more honest about that. The more sober I was, the more I expected from others. The more I thought things would be better.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way!! I hope things get better for you soon. I know how it is to stay busy but there are many things you can do. Have you thought about volunteering? You will help people and meet people while doing so. I am looking into doing that soon. I have never gone to AA but everyone on here has recommended it.

I am also here if you need to chat , I am great at listening and like to chat as well!!
Send me a PM ! :)

are you prepared to consider that there might be other experiences of sobriety tho, Mabel?

Nothing much in my life changed when I got sober except I got sober.

I eventually realised I had a whole boatload of underlying issues to deal with if I wanted to be happy as well.

I've likened my sobriety before to the tide going out, leaving great mounds of driftwood dotting the beach.

Until I tackled that driftwood I couldn't start to heal the void in my I'd tried to fill with alcohol.

When I did heal that void, I started to love myself a little more. When I did, other people started loving me a bit more too :)

I have a great life sober now. I refuse to believe that's beyond you too, Mabel :)

D

I don't know. It felt like me standing as a pillar of sobriety in those 7 years, just flat because life was still the same. Yes, I met people in AA, still felt like someone who was on an island. Still do. Drunk or sober, I always do.

TY Dee. I don't know, it isn't that I don't love myself. I think I don't treat people poorly, I don't actually hate who I am. I am a "stand up girl," always. I just do not know how to make myself special enough for them to care about me. And when sober? If I am not working so hard to make them care, I feel like I have no purpose in life. And me alone feels, well, lonely. And you can't live your whole life alone, but I wonder why I am never enough for the people I seek. I guess that's it.

Sobriety doesn't eject you out of your own closet...you have to do that. You told Least you didn't want to pay anyone to love you. Is that in reference to counselling? In counselling, you pay someone to teach you how to love (aka accept) yourself. You pay prostitutes to love you...not therapists.

Without alcohol, we need to learn how to make real world connections. We have to stretch ourselves a little...we have to open and blossom a little.

You can sit alone in the corner of your life drunk or sober. Happiness requires being connected with others. Do you want that?

Yes, I do Nuudawn. Maybe a therapist doesn't love me, but you are still paying someone to "hear" you. Am I that pathetic? That I need to spend money (which I don't really have) to pay someone to hear what I think, how I feel, how I care? Seems sad that there is not enough love in this world, amongst all of us, that we have to do that. Very sad, really.

Can they help me? Maybe, to some extent I guess. But keep in mind, they are people too. ;)

Thats just it tho.

You don't need to work hard to make people care or make yourself special.

If being you is not enough, then either you do have some self esteem issues after all, or you're just not hanging with the right people :)

D

Therapy was the best freaking thing I ever did. Therapy takes guts in my eyes. You are exposing yourself to another human. And the more you get to know them...if you like and respect them? You still gotta tell them all the areshole things you keep doing when only last week you were all...ya I will never do that again. I am sooooo over that sh*t.

A good therapist always guides you right back to you...not to your mean mommy or your loser boyfriend or your jackazz boss...

A good therapist says...ya, and what are YOU going to do about it? Therapy is essentially about finally having a conversation with yourself.

Hi Mabel4, wow it's like we are twins. I too have the same introverted personality. The thought of paying someone to "spend time with me" makes me cringe.

I very recently was rejected by a guy who I spent no less then 10 hours a day talking to in text and IM for over a year every day. He knows everything about me. It hurt.

But when I think about it, who can blame him. I'm a complete mess. He knows I am.

Maybe a fresh start is what you need. If you get a few days sober, get that nice smile and I feel good attitude again and go out I bet you can meet people. Being sober is about new beginnings. Don't give up. Your worth a place on this earth and your worth loving. It begins at home.

I see my counselor regularly and I am not 'pathetic' because of it. On the contrary, I am much stronger and more together than I was when I was still drinking and trying sobriety in short bursts. I am more confident and happy. I don't 'need' people to fulfill me, but I do very well with people when I am with them.

You sound so beaten down. You just keep repeating "that's just the way it is, and has always been". ONLY IF YOU LET IT BE THAT WAY!!!

I used to feel hopeless too. Thought nothing would ever get better. I saw a shrink and started taking an antidepressant and it made quite a difference. I don't feel hopeless anymore. I have good days and bad, but I don't feel hopeless.

Give a counselor a chance to help you. People who do that like helping people. It's why they went into that business. :)

Hi Mabel - I have the opposite problem - too many friends and all of them drink. A lot.

I wish I could feel comfortable going to AA meetings but we live in such a small mountain town, I'd be embarrassed to meet people I know there. Anyway, I must find new friends who don't drink. Not sure how, but if I do, I'll let you know how I found them :-)
>AH

I grabbed this quote because I have said the exact same thing before. I've told a few of my therapists that I have to pay them to listen to me when they otherwise would not be, and that I think that sucks. While there is truth in that, it is only half true. As it has been pointed out, therapists are like medical doctors. They just focus on your psychology. In the same way we can't get medical doctors to treat us for free, we can't get psychotherapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. to treat us for free either. They aren't just there to listen to us, but to "treat" us, and hopefully help us fix at least some of the issues for which we're seeking their help.

I understand where you're coming from because I've been there.

In regards to where you would go when you just don't know where you SHOULD go, I'd say don't think that you need a destination. Honestly, when I can't think of anything I can do to get my mind off drinking or any other destructive thoughts, I just get in my car and drive. Not to any place in particular...I just stop being somewhere. When you're driving, you're nowhere, really, and sometimes that's exactly where you need to be.

Because you're spending so much time and effort trying to make people like you. That's the short version. The longer, more complicated and potentially life-changing version resides in your relationship with a trained professional.

A lot of shame in your comments. You're "pathetic" because you have to "pay someone to hear you?" You reach out for help here (in this case, without paying for it...at least so far), but you proceed to turn down that help because, and by doing otherwise, you'd be admitting that you need help by accepting it. So then, therapists are only for people who don't actually need help; and not for those who, by virtue of needing help, are thereby "pathetic." Okay. Now I'm making myself dizzy.

You may be right. You may not actually have a purpose in life. But how much longer are you willing to wait to start building or allow yourself to discover what's meaningful for you? You can start by stop being someone you think other people will like, and redirect your energies and your attention towards discovering who you truly are.

Hello Mabel. Thanks for starting this thread reading your story an the comments really helped me out, and I'm sure gave you something to think about.. You say you have problems making friends but you just made a bunch today, it's probably because you weren't trying so hard to you we're just being you, even if it's a hurt side of you.. So when your out in the world just do the same thing except show them the great side of you good luck

Therapists get paid because they've made what they love their life's work. We don't merely "listen to people's problems;" we help them come to know themselves and their desires, evaluate what it is in life/themselves that blocks them from getting what they want and need, and provide a safe place in which to make genuine contact with another human being, something that, for many people, doesn't occur anywhere else in their lives, and certainly not often enough...No matter how much we may convince ourselves that we're horrified by the very thought of such a thing. And no matter how supportive we are, people generally don't like the observations we make about them. And that's only part of it.

I love my work, though practicing psychotherapy is only a small part of it, and I think about my patients a good deal of my time away from them. There are so many daily occurrences and interactions that remind me of them, including my own inner life, that I'd be hard pressed not to think about them, even if I were merely indifferent towards their struggles.

If denial is a cardinal element of what we refer to as "alcoholism," then it's at least as much of a blessing and a curse in virtually every other issue that we as human beings deal with in life. None of us wants to "have problems," but only a sober and authentic self is able to do anything to improve his or her lot. Living an inauthentic life (or Socrates' "unexamined life") is indeed not worth living. That's my bias, and I'm sticking to it. We have as many ways to bury ourselves alive as we do to lie to and generally deceive ourselves, with or without booze, about anything and everything that pains us.

In my professional life, one of the most challenging of patients -- and often the most heartbreaking to work with -- is the man or woman who comes in later in life, realizing that they spent the previous fifty or sixty years living someone else's life. What, exactly, does 'hope' look like for someone like that? And what, if anything, does it even mean?

Life awaits, but not forever.

Hi Mabel4,

Sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment, hang in there things will get better.

I have to say I attend counselling every week (We're very lucky in Scotland that this is free) but even if this wasnt, Id GLADLY hand over my hard earned cash every week to have gained what I have in doing this.

Speaking to someone non judgmental and who you can truly speak to warts and all has been a huge asset to me. I finally feel I'm getting somewhere, but that's been down to me. It makes me proud of myself just for being able to get through that.

Why not give it a try? What you got to lose?

L x

Sobreity in itself won't create an awe inspiring, jump our of bed in the morning, fun filled, action packed life, we can just as easily sit in front of the TV every evening lonely and bored with a cup of tea in the same way when we were drinking.

Non drinkers can feel isolated from the world aswell as drinkers, Sobreity is only a foundation, and a foundation isn't good for much on it's own, it's only useful if you go on to build a house on it!! :)

Mabel
When you wen to AA did you do the steps and then try to practise the principles?.
How much and often did you engage in helping other sufferers?
Have you considered that you might be paying a therapist to help uncover your root problems and suggest a way forward that requires action on your part?
Not just to listen to you......
G:)

I have never been, but many people like AA. My father (who was sober 30 years before his death) went to AA when I was a kid, he too didn't have any friend, yes he had mom and his children, but he actually made friends there,for 1st time since he was a kid...a few that he felt comfy with for many years. Even if youdon't make life friend, you will be with people who are like minded. Just a thought.

I am listening and you have not paid me a dime. I care how you feel as everyone else that has responded to your post.

I hear a pity party going on but that is okay too, we all throw them.

I used to think I wanted to be alone. It was the only time I felt okay. Dealing with others was to much work. All that conversation and mumbo jumbo. "F" that. Just leave me to my own devices so I could watch my TV marathons with my dog and my cats. Who needs those people anyway? Just leave me alone. If I am alone I am okay!

I have found that is not the case at all. The reason I had no friends was because one, I pushed them all away and two because I was not being a friend. I took and took and took but never gave back. Call a friend just to ask how they are, Nope!. Offer to help a friend? Nope. Send a birthday card to a friend? Nope. Call and ask to get together for dinner or a movie? Nope. Nothing ever at anytime for any reason. I was extremely lazy when it came to keeping relationships alive.

Once I got sober and saw that I was really a selfish person in this regard I did make some small changes but I have come to the point that I don't really need everyday contact with people that I call my friends just as they do not need everyday contact with me. I am not living with them, they are not my SO, they are a friend.

I see many people at AA meetings that I call friends but I don't talk to them everyday. They are significant people in my life and I hope I am one in theirs but I also have my own life to live.

There are times I am alone, but I am not lonely. I am comfortable with myself which I never had when I was drinking. I drank to try and make myself comfortable whether it was in a room full of people or I was sitting alone on my couch.

I am the same person I was before but I look at things differently. My family did not change, my job did not change, my home did not change, I did.

You appear to have gotten tired of being sober because nothing changed, did you change?

Hi Mabel,

You may be tired of hearing this, but even your thread title suggests that you seem to have a resistance to change, probably even change of thinking and mental perspective. As far as I have seen and experienced, this is the number one reason that often keeps us from making meaningful improvements in our lives. "I am so used to doing this" - it's exactly why it happens, because we feel more comfortable doing what's familiar than what's unfamiliar. While we put the external world up to high expectations and wait for it to bring us the so desired happiness. The reality is, whether we like it or not: this is utterly impossible or the rewarding effect won't last long.

You have discussed a few things: that years of sobriety did not make a difference in your life, that you have no friends and find it difficult to have others' attention and care, and that you are against having a mental health professional to help you. The common pattern I see in all these things is the resistance to working on your root problems.

You can read it all over this board that virtually no one has succeeded at turning over their lives in sobriety just by the virtue of abstinence from our drug(s) of choice. People often discuss that it takes changing just about everything in our lives, or for sure making multiple, major long-term changes. From your comments is sounds that you have not done much of this.

When it comes to human connection, friendship and relationships - these also require a great deal of work, and not just in the beginning, constantly. I believe that "unconditional love" is something we may get from pets, or the love parents feel for their children may be like that, and it may be associated with saints - but it's not how most human relationships work. Everyone is "special" and unique by definition, that's not what attracts attention. It's how we use our attributes and potentials and how we are willing to actively work on the connection. I think people are usually willing to forgive a lot of mistreatment and betrayal even if otherwise the relationship and our hearts are in the right place and this is demonstrated in our actions. We don't get rewarded for perfection, but for effort.

Finally, psychotherapy is no different. A therapist's attention is indeed a service, but I think it's also like other relationships in that even professionals will be more excited and motivated to work with us if we display genuine interest and engagement. They are humans, not machines. And their listening and providing feedback is far from enough - in the end, we have to make the work and make the changes that we want to see, by active participation also outside of the office, we need to put the gained knowledge in good use. Seeking help is only the beginning, but it's a good start.

So in summary, I see this resistance in your comments regarding a variety of areas and feel that you should probably work on breaking that. There are options to do it, but we need to seek these out and then actively participate in the resolution. Our self-esteem can also only grow in healthy ways by demonstrating to ourselves that we are involved in our own lives and making it happen.

some really awesome advice and words in here.
Mabel, thanks for sharing how you are feeling. Just by posting that, you have helped numerous other people who are feeling exactly what you are, and by reading others advice...you have helped. SEE?
I hope you feel better today :) keep posting. we're all in the same boat lady!